Beautiful Nightmare

Ok, so the tests were normal. I'm so thankful. The ultrasound turned out to be a good test after all. It showed a section of my breasts - axilla, lobules, almost everything that I was worried about. It's good that:

1. There were no lumps/bumps or bruises in them.

2. It showed me how much fat I had in my breasts

Haha! Ok, not exactly medical in my sense. I am trying to cut back on lots of fat. Less sodium, less carbs as well. I had a great awakening. It's scary to be fat nowadays, lots of pain in my back and I really wish my HMO would cover breast reduction surgery. I just saw a woman in TheDoctors episode crying cos she can't open the pantry cupboards cos her breasts get in the way. I don't want to be like that...

I think sometimes, people can obsess so much about death when they haven't really started living. I was so scared I was gonna die that I was convinced that I was indeed, about to. The pain was sort of a manisfestation of what I was feeling inside. I was in a tremendous amount of stress. Everything was such a pain. It was a pain getting up in the morning and a pain to go home at night. I was always pretty casual with my time, giving it freely to whomever needs it. Now, I need to relax and really prioritize things that matter to me. I know it sounds crazy to admit this, but as a manager - I suck at prioritizing. People do feel, probably, that I'm there all the time, but in all honesty, sometimes, I am just a shell of who I am.

I can't keep on taking on people who assign me their peace of mind. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming that it has gotten to the point that it can cause severe breast pain.

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Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Meeting Joe Black Again

Ooohhh... swoon!

Yup, I spent the evening playing with Jeoff's Resto City and Cafe World. I miss him so badly and watching the movie on a local movie channel just made me miss him even more... :(

He's on a family trip in Niagara. Supposedly someplace really romantic. I wonder if other long-distance couples ever feel this way. In fact, I wonder if Jeoff even feels this way. I really feel so bad whenever I see a romantic movie on my own. The kissing and heavy petting on screen makes me the kissing and heavy petting with him! Haha! I know, I know, too much info, but sadly, I would really love it if I can spend a whole month just being with someone I love.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years now. It's crazy.

I am still swooning...

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...