Crashing Into Someone

I just spent the latter part of the day with friends, in a 24-hour spa. I was naked the whole afternoon... It's a pretty freaky and yet liberating experience. I spent some time in the jacuzzi with 5 or so other naked women and thankfully, my contacts were off, thus I wasn't able to look at others' boobs or booties, wondering if mine even hits the chart, haha! I just thought that somehow, I do still feel uneasy about being naked in front of other people whereas other women just took their towels off without any hesitation. My apprehensions about being naked will surely lessen someday, with more visits to that spa...

Spent the day with Chloe again, still worried about Jon. Crying, getting crazy about missing him. It's extremely sad, for her. She can't move on because they work together. She always has this crazy thought that she misses the guy so badly that she keeps regretting her decision to break up.

She asked me earlier how I coped with 6 break-ups and how I wormed my way back into normalcy. I told her that there's no such thing. Honestly, there is no way that you can ask for a normal, regular life right after a break-up. I was being asked questions like how I felt and what it was like with us being so apart and Jeoff breaking up with me over the phone. I told her the truth - that I felt so empty. It really tore me up inside that I kept thinking about pain and death and why God wouldn't strike me dead right where I was standing every time Jeoff would break up with me. There's this crushing pain in my heart, and then, there would be this amazingly huge gaping void in my being. I told her that anyone who has had their heart broken by the one the love the most knows what I feel. It can be likened to something dying inside you and there is nothing but a black hole that sucks out the life in you. And everyday becomes a struggle to fight the black hole so it won't take any more, but you know that everyday, something inside dies. It was so hard to explain. It doesn't really have words... I probably looked normal on the outside but it hit so hard when I get home. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and there was nothing that made me laugh... nothing made me happy. It was literally like my heart popped out and the pain was just so unbearable, my body can hardly contain it.

However, I fought for it.

I told her that if she really did love Jon, there would not be a decision to break up. There would be a decision to play it out and find the best option, like compromise or maybe even a cooling-off period if she really wanted some time to think. However, she made the ultimate decision to never fight for it thought she's weakening her resolve. 

It's crazy... I wish she'd get over that anxiety soon.

The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...

Indie's Post

There's a reason why people have friends.
You can count the so many times that you can bend over and be someone's intellectual slave. In a company, in a relationship and sometimes, just simply being acquainted with one person.
But your friend will always appreciate the intellectual quirks and quips that you dish out without being bored and/or being bemused and will digest it for you. In some extreme circumstances, you even find it treasured.

I love you, Indie. Thanks for being that person for me. :)

PS: December 27th, let's have dinner with the man of my dreams.
PPS: That pic reminds me of your MSN avatar back then. :)

Loving

It's funny how marriage changes things. It seems to do so in my posse, my click, my circle of friends, if you will.

Irish, my bestfriend, just got married.

I treat her like a sister, like an older, wiser sister though she's not older. It seems like her experience has brought me a guide. I tell her everything - the boyfriend woes, the career challenges, the daily ups and downs of being part of an interracial family - the list goes on.

I love her wedding, I simply do. I couldn't wait until she gets back from Macau to tell me all about her honeymoon, about her great time with her husband. I surely miss her.

It seems like the wedding I saw was straight out of a dream. It felt so amazing to see two people being united in front of the people they love and the people they care for. I can't believe how much I cried during the ceremony. It was so beautiful. It was just plain great. Someday, I hope that I will have the same ceremony - not the flowers or the Tiffany chairs, or the ball gowns or the arch - I just really want to see me sharing my life with the one I love.

We're grown up now. One has a kid, one has a boyfriend that is going to be a consulate, one is in Taiwan, working as a personal trainer, and one just got married. The clique that I had in high school is now all grown up... And I don't really know what I am yet. So I decided to make a list to remind me of who I was and who I have become...

• Corporate Training Coordinator
• daughter to Mom and Pop
  
• sister to my insufferable brother
  
• girlfriend to Jeoff for 3 years and running
• bestfriend to Cym, Irish, Chloe and Mary
• friend to people whom I have worked with in PeopleSupport, HTMT, iTi Consulting and now Merlin
• SDI-Certified Trainer - the only independent trainer in the entire Philippines who can handle an SDI course
• major micromanager
  
• events planner for Merlin
  
• magazine writer for "Moms and Babies" and "Health Today"
  
• erstwhile stylist and make-up artist for magazines
  
• big fan of Blue, my 1-year old "son" who now has a 73.5 GB of memory thanks to his "toys" and is amazingly white and creamy - just the wonderful color I want my laptop to be...
  
• avid reader of all books that I can get my hands on - now reading "Sophie's Choice"
  
• lover of all movies and TV series animated - The Simpsons, The Family Guy, American Dad, Sons of Butchers, Southpark, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, anything by Nickelodeon...
  
• passionate about mysteries and investigator shows on TV - The Kill Point, Burn Notice, CSI, NCIS
• artsy-fartsy teenager back then and now still appreciating art
  
• hater of all things elitist

I have come a long way. I used to be a chubby kid who only wanted out of high school because no one appreciated the way I am. My friends used to be high school girls as well whom enjoy a great McDonald's sundae cone in the middle of the afternoon heat. Time does go by fast, and sets you off for an adventure.

I'm glad we're grown up...

Tomorrow

Tonight, I intend to stay in the office until 5AM, eat some nice homemade BBQ from Banchetto. I totally intend to stay away from the fattening Brazo de Mercedes they sell over there. They make them Brazos like there's no tomorrow - it's meant for sharing - seriously.

Tomorrow, I intend to get some sleep. Read a good book (Sophie's World - yeah, yeah, very geeky again...Thanks very much!) and totally hang out with Indie. I want to go to Avenetto for a plate of their best Seafood Curry Pasta. I want to hear what has been going on with her... I miss that sparkling jolt of wisdom...

I seriously can't wait.

Patience is a Virtue

It was just announced. The Evil Stepsister from the West aka The Telus Madame has just been recently promoted to General Manager. I wonder what she has been feeding Matt. If I feed the same thing to Matt, will I be the next Training and Development Manager?

Oh well... I shall be a coordinator forever... For the simple reason that I am happy working as a low-life peon in this company. If only they'll release me from the shackles of the bond that they placed upon my head...

I can't wait until my zen moment with Indie!!!

Dr. Wilson is In

I could not relate more to this guy. I am Dr. Wilson, in the flesh, except that I am no doctor and I do not have an Amber. I do have a Dr. House though. And this is the dynamics of their relationship...

Dr. House, a brilliant yet slightly socially inept doctor, is a good friend of Dr. Wilson's. They spend most weekends together. They lived in Dr House's apartment for some time when he was kicked out of his own home by his then 3rd wife. Dr. Wilson is an expert in Oncology whilst Dr. House led the team of Diagnostic Medicine (no such department in local hospitals, unfortunately). Nonetheless, the two remained friends, through and through. While House berated everything in Wilson's life - marriage, family, practice, honesty, integrity, loyalty, civility - he remained steadfastly loyal as a friend. Wilson, of course, would be as nice as possible and save House' ass from being fired every time he messes up.

It's unbelievable how these two completely opposite people would end up being friends. Yet they are, through and through...

Dr. House just quit. It seems like the end of an era for the hospital. He got so fed up with the system and how people there supposedly don't care about targets and statistics. I think he chooses to care so much about other things because he doesn't want to care about the things he should care about. It's hard to be his friend, but it's harder to not be his friend. I guess there's still that little idea that I can save the world. The messianic me that tries to surface every now and then... Yet I know he's equally as brilliant and as valuable. It never felt good saving his ass every now and then, it always felt right. I must have been one helluva good lawyer a few lifetimes ago. It was always an idea - a feeling that somehow - I should do something good for him because the universe owes him for all the bad things that had happened to him. However, you do teach people and the universe, for that matter, how to treat you. You program yourself to be who and how you want to be. You decide who you should be and what should matter to you.

I was talking with Jay over IM the other day... He is just a hater, he says. Well, he doesn't hate. He just perceives that he hates.

Glenna

I am so proud of this woman. And I miss her so much! I miss the wisdom, the zen moments, the never-ending qoutable quotes I intend to live by. Ok, ok, enough hero-worship. It's just that at this point in my life, I was hoping to look up to someone who can have it all. And there she is. She's living her life to the fullest...

Unfaithful

What is it about women and excitement and sparks flying in mid-air?

I got a splash of cold water when my friend confessed she was slightly having an affair with a guy she met in on of her business trips. Apparently, the man is well-educated, schooled internationally with a degree to back him up and an amazing connection with her. I was pretty thankful that I got to chat with her over a cup of coffee and smokes.

She understood that it was wrong. And she was begging me to stop it for her.
What was I to do? Shoot the guy? Rough him up? Pay him a million dollars to never see her again? I played the therapist part. I love asking questions about people and what the heck is going on in their minds. So, I stuck with the Meg routine and decided to just ask the really important question.
Why?!
And I got the most proverbial and cliched answer ever...

"No spark..."
Oh well, if you put it that way...
I was thinking that the guy had been irresponsible and horrifying, or maybe he had been an unfaithful slob who'd beat her up... but when he's a bore, well...
That's not really enough reason...

I think that sometimes, women have this tendency to become insatiable and discontented with what they have. They always see movies that remind them of how men can be so amazing and sweep them off their feet. No one tells women that after they've been swept off their feet, they'd have to fight for their love with every breath they take until the day they decide to throw in the towel. Every day is a struggle and a conscious choice to fight for the love you feel. Whether it be an ember lightly lit, a smoldering fireplace hearth or a smoking 3-point alarm fire. Passion fuels the love but you can't run on passion alone.

I think people equate love with lust, with fervent and wanton desire. I think it definitely brings something to the table but is not the essence of finding someone. I gave her an analogy...

Relationships are like newly-painted Faberge eggs. The sparks should be just what's outside - that enamel coating that just makes it look all shiny and cute. But what should be inside - the gemstones, those are worth so much more. It could be anything - your love, your affection, your trust, your commitment... whatever it is, it's good to want the enamel cos it's what somewhat envelopes all those gemstones, but when the whole thing is broken, it's senseless to pick up the enamel. Go for the gemstones.

I'm one to talk eh? I wasn't preachy... I tried to be away from the whole thing. It's just that it's necessary to set her straight. She begged for it. I wasn't gonna let her go until she saw it my way.
She promised me she's talk to him.
Well, we'll see...

27

It's been almost 27 years since I was born. I just wanted to take the time to view my life from a 26 year-old's perspective...

I've been so blessed.

• I have a wonderful family whom I love very much. We've had our differences but we've been pulling through. I know that whatever kind of trouble or problem I face, my dad, my mom and my brother will always be there for me.
• Great friends whom I will never, ever wish to change. I have been fortunate to find so many wonderful people in this lifetime and I only can wish that whatever strength they give me is also the strength they draw from me. I almost feel army strong because of them and I will never wish for my relationship with them to change. I have a few very good friends whom I have shown the most vulnerable side of me. If I have cried in front of you, chances are I trust you. And if I have been crying and trying to explain my side at the same time, it just means that I'll give you half of my liver. I love my friends very much. While there are only a few whom I completely and absolutely trust, I sincerely thank you. I consider one to be my sister. And I love her to bits. You know who you are. :) Thanks for being the person who trusts me and the person whom I trust...sincerely.
• My career that may need a few changes but still is a kick-ass one. I'm very fortunate that I'm at this point where I can make my own decisions as a training personnel. While it is absolutely true that I am, at this point, the most senior and most learned training coordinator in the entire company, I think, I don't really wish for any promotion. I'm happy being able to teach and being able to find solutions to people's looping and sometimes twisted questions.
• I have been blessed with enough funds to be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures. Being able to take a cab when needed...capability to drink a cup of overpriced coffee when I want to, being able to dye my hair Phoenix-red...having a complete line of expensive hair care products just because I want to...a laptop that's amazing...a great bag and shoe collection...having cable and internet connection and electricity...
• Knowledge that is not necessarily useful but is amusing. I think this is the reason why people think I'm smart...because I know Potassium Permanganate explodes with sugar. Haha! Seriously! I think people assume I know a lot of stuff, but I think I only know a few things. It takes years to master an idea and decades to have one of your own, well at least a billion-dollar one. :)
  
• Having a slightly normal, kind of offbeat sense of sarcasm, wit and sense of humor. I think it saves me from a lot of confrontations.
  
• Having someone who is able to see through my actions and words right into my heart, who knows how to forgive and love while proximity isn't on our side

I have been blessed. I don't want to ask for anything else. I only ask that the people whom I love will be blessed with excellent health and more time with me.

It's been a wonderful world. It still is. It will always be. God has always provided and God has always been kind and good.

Jolt of Wisdom

I miss Cara, that jolt of wisdom who used to sit beside me.

Wonder what she's up to now...

Losing Faith

Life has its limits...

Lyrics | If I Ever Lose My Faith In You lyrics

It was last March when I last saw Jeoff. It has been a good year and four months. Yesterday, we just spoke and for some reason, I've never felt more comfortable with him. He has been laughing at my jokes more, been more interested somehow in most of what I say. He has been patiently calling me despite the fact that I am just dead weight on my bed. It has been honestly, great! I mean people at work have been asking me how we make it work and all I keep saying is that you really have to work on it because the patience, the amount of trust and sense of humor should be way up there to make it work. People in the office have caught me sneaking into the pantry, just to answer a call. We haven't fought about anything for the past few months. I'm hoping it's not just a stroke of luck. I'm hoping that we're finally learning to see how everything should be.

I was pretty honest. About the proposal, the job, my fears, my pains - I guess when it all boils down to it, when you get to talk about everything, there's some hope that things will go well.

I guess when God gives you a slightly sucky job, He gives you a greater perspective in life. I've been amazingly blessed with such an understanding boyfriend. I know, mushy crap I need to write. Someday, Jeoff's going to be thankful that I mentally note all of the kindness he has been showing me. Haha...Ok, so if he's reading this, you better be thankful! :D

For some reason, he remains to be the one I run to. Friends have failed me so much that it hurts to think that I should probably give up on trusting altogether. Somehow, he is still the one I long to speak with at the end of the day. Thank God I found my center.

Humanity Loses Face Again

I just finished watching History's Secrets, from Nat Geo. It was an episode of Adolf Hitler's supposed disappearance from Berlin when the Red Army invaded and imploded half of Germany to get him to surrender.

It was a jam-packed hour, detailing how Nazi aids and officials have taken the cowards' way out and swallowed vials and vials of cyanide to escape Stalin's retribution. It was even more embarrassing to find out that Hitler, despite all of the destructive orders and pain he brought upon everything he claims to hold dear, Germany, Berlin and Europe, he chooses to die in his own bunker, biting down on a vial of cyanide and shooting himself with his own gun, only to escape Stalin. Back then, criminals' bodies were impaled upon poles to be displayed promptly in front of people to serve as a reminder never to commit the same crimes. Mussolini's remains were hung for the general public to see, including his mistress' remains after being killed by Communists. Adolf Hitler never become something that can be hung, he had his officers char his remains before Stalin could have him.

A few hours ago, I found out that a male friend has still been looking for a doctor to abort his unborn child. That is incredibly painful for me, after we have specifically spoken that he should not abort the baby, nor will I support him. He went to another friend, a woman, who while being married and supposedly smart, thinks that a baby that is just a few months old can be considered a tadpole. She mentioned something like it doesn't matter cos it's just a bunch of cells, and that it would be better instead of having fights in the future. Referencing people who, if possible, would turn back time, just to avoid having children to avoid being miserable.

Her last message burned me. "I know you're into having babies..." and something that resembled that tghe only logical, rational and practical thing to do is to make sure that the bunch of cells would be removed to avoid having a miserable relationship.

I replied. "I'm not into having babies. I'm into doing what's right."

I refused to tell the man what would abort the baby. They can experiment all they want. I will not use that little shred of knowledge I have in curing people to kill an innocent child. I simply refuse to condone what he is doing and the female friend supposedly helping him.

Adolf Hitler was a megalomaniac, and he was able to acquire that power. He used it and destroyed something he claimed to love. It can be juxtaposed with the example of having so much power over your own body. Pro-choice, supposedly. When you exercise power over your own body and destroy someone else's life in the process, does it make it a choice? Or does it make it murder? While intent and fear plays a major part in making that somewhat awkward decision, did anyone ever consider that the baby is real, and already has life? It's not some fucking bunch of bloody cells!

While I have no moral ascendancy on this topic and can not throw the first stone, it pains me to know that humanity, in my eyes, has lost face again.

Day in and out, you hear of people killing other people for something as petty as a few bucks, a bottle of beer, a cellphone, a lottery ticket... Day in and out, you encounter people at the worst days of their lives and yet you try to live a life that is real and pure. Believing in the goodness of people's hearts... Trying so hard to grasp that humanity in its most powerful form is great, noble, altruistic and moral - at least, ethical... Holding on to the hope that somehow, people are virtuous, principled...

I'm quickly losing faith in humanity... but what hurts most, is that people I thought were rightful and would understand me were not the people I thought they were.

Charmed

Picture of me, Myles and Rachel.
Those were the days when we were all friends. Gone were those days that we were friends.
We would often joke that Myles is Prue cos she's the eldest. Somewhat the strictest. She chooses to be very "protective" of the two of us. Rachel is Phoebe. She's the wild one... Would date anyone on impulse. While I am Piper. Has a Leo, who disappears every now and then but exists nonetheless. I am the most conservative one somehow. And I have the power to stop time. Okay...maybe not.

Well the point is, Prue and Phoebe had a little spat. Okay, it was a major spat. Somehow, Phoebe chose to absolutely disregard Prue's advice. Let's just say that when it comes to saving innocents, she kinda sucked at it. Prue was there to help and when Phoebe failed, she blamed Prue and yet Phoebe didn't really do what Prue told her to do.

In fact, Phoebe stayed for two whole hours in Coldstone just so she can tell everyone what a bitch Prue is. Poor Prue had to sit petrified in her workstation so her smoking buddies won't have to deal with a very loud and repetitive Phoebe who made Prue look like a scheming heartless bitch.

Piper was nowhere to be found cos she was busy tending to her bar. Piper wanted to be with them but Piper had to work but chose to stay away cos sisters always find a way back to each other.

The problem is it isn't a TV show. It's not some funny scene where the director yells cut.
I tried to patch them up but I guess the cut is so deep. I can't even get them in a room together. I guess, I better let it go. Although what Rach did was pretty bad. I hope Myles is ok.

How to Save a Life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to Save a Life - The Fray

A friend just died.
We throw that word so loosely nowadays. Here in the Philippines, it is even acceptable to say "my friend". Redundance. Probably.

I think maybe, a few conversations in a good hour or so sadly doesn't make for a friendship. It makes for an interesting and riveting mental exercise in social networking. However, you take those things for granted sometimes. It sucks because when this person is suddenly taken from you, you miss them like crazy.

They remember the very first and the very last conversation they had with this person and people, people tend to be paranoid. They're creeped out. They're scared. They become lonely. They lose touch with their own problems. They suddenly feel bad. They start asking questions. They will want answers. They realize that life is short and for a time try to be whole, not wanting to question their own mortality or fate. They start wanting to help. They choose to fight some battles that aren't theirs. They eventually forget.

This is the first time I ever had to deal with someone dying - someone I sincerely knew and never wished any ill of. Karen was one person that took a lot of life's bad things. She battled Lupus. She battled so much more than that. She battled everyday and I don't know much, I knew some things. But I know she fought so much more than she wanted to let on.

I am still in shock. I have been scared, questioning everything in my life. I keep asking myself if I was to die tomorrow, would I want people to remember me this way? I make decisions everyday. To fight for something. To care for something. To ignore something. To learn something and to unlearn. Ultimately, I ask myself if I will be missed.

I can't ask myself if I can save her life. I can't. I can't think that had I spoken with her longer, things wouldn't have happened. Tinge of guilt sometimes get to me. Maybe if I stopped her from smoking, she won't pass on. If I chose to speak with her longer during our last conversation, I would have noticed something. I remember the very last conversation we had... It was in the ITI restroom. She was slightly bloated from the steroids and she mentioned something about being bloated and ugly. I told her, look at it this way, after all this, you'll be prettier. As if you're not pretty now. I had a lesson and I needed to go. I told her that and in her classic Karen way said "sige, gurl, go lang...".

Earlier, I looked through my archives of pictures... I just realized that while we were in some parties together, I don't have a picture of her. I don't have any pictures of her in the office, or in parties, when she looked her prettiest. I don't have her number. I don't have her email address. I don't have her in my YM list. I don't have any claim that I know her. All I have were 20-30 minute conversations with her. All I have as a memory are things we shared over a glass of iced tea or coke light or coffee, and a few sticks of smokes.

But these memories, I choose to treasure, I choose to believe in. Whatever we spoke of, whatever we talked about, Karen knows I only wished her to let go of. That was a long time ago. After that, we mainly talked shop. Business if you will...learners. How we deal with lessons, bad lessons and bad learners. She's my Bitch Brew Buddy. We complain about some of our students and well, she shares her thoughts too.

I only wish that wherever she is right now... she is happy. As Noel said when he was told this unfortunate news, "Malaya na siya" (Translation: Now, she's free). It gave me goosebumps. I know that she is free. And I hope she'll be smiling on us, knowing how much she is missed and loved.

Rest in peace, Karen. Thanks for the great times.

PS: I realized that there was one picture on my Friendster where I was sitting with Jonas, Noel and Karen. It was Myles who took it. :) She looks so beautiful there. She still is. She'll always be.

Faith

What is faith?

faith
[feyth]
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
—Idiom
9. in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

[Origin: 1200–50; ME feith <>fed, OF feid, feit <>fidem, acc. of fidés trust, akin to fīdere to trust. See confide]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Looking back at my own definition, I always thought that it was to see the unseen, hear the unheard, feel the unfelt...

to see the unseen
to hear the unheard
to feel the unfelt

yes, you asked me to wait.
and gladly i will...
i am relinquishing all control
so i can gain the moment i lost
i am giving up power
so i can change the future

fight for me
want me so badly that you will head onto the war without qualms or fears
look for me
in your life
in the now
in the future
resist your demons
so you can hold me close

i choose to be
now choose for me

such is my faith

i am blind
i am deaf
i am heartless

but now, i see
now i hear
now i feel
and yes, eventually, i want to live
i want to love

only you

Fallen Angel Alterni

Well, now I know... I think I understand what faith is...
It's the ability to understand without asking.

Goodbyes

I just did nothing, chose to be idle for today. I just woke up. I haven't taken a shower and this feeling comes over... Like I have to be online.

It was my last day in ITI. Being part of this company, I chose to stay invisible. It wasn't easy. I'm not gonna launch into a whole gamut of nostalgic goodbye quotes, nor am I gonna say anything about being alone. I am alone. Always. All I have is myself to deal with my feelings. All I have is myself to depend on when I'm not feeling well.

I have never been a fan of the word "opening up", yet lately, I've been doing a lot of that. To Cara, to Mylene, to Gaius, heck even to Jerome and Paolo. Justin, I have asked to take care of me when I need a drink so badly. I guess it goes without saying, I have made friends and I don't understand this feeling that I'm trying to protect myself from.

I didn't cry yesterday. Leaving my station felt like I was gonna be back. I chose not to get any of the materials I made for my students. It's theirs. It's the company's property. I felt very composed, as I always do.

There's always so much punishment in crying. Your body clams up, your face heats up and you lose so much water just letting tears flow. There's always too much emotion involved... Your heart valves constrict a bit and so does your throat. The whole process is a drag. It doesn't allow you to speak or to reason. Someone once told me that crying is a sign that you are human. That you are real... You see things for what and who they are. Then after, you can expect a feeling of relief. A real and honest-to-goodness feeling of relief.

I am still not feeling that relief. I'm gonna miss them all. I'm gonna miss them all...

Imposition

Meg's disclaimer:
I am very mad right now, so people who intend to comment, post anything that would just be all about fluffy honesty and friendship rules shit, please back off this site. And about commenting, it has been disabled, so don't even try!

im·po·si·tion /ˌɪmpəˈzɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[im-puh-zish-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	the laying on of something as a burden or obligation.

2.	something imposed, as a burden or duty; an unusual or extraordinarily burdensome requirement or task.

3.	the act of imposing by or as if by authority.

4.	an instance of imposing upon a person: He did the favor but considered the request an imposition.

5.	the act of imposing fraudulently or deceptively on others; imposture.

Dictionary.com

Do you have friends that drag you along every little damned thing in their life hat the only relief you have is if you shoot yourself in front of him/her with a .38 pistol? Does it often happen to you that this friend would make you wait for hours on end just to stay a bit longer with people you care very little about? Does it also happen that this person would make any event in your life (say, you're getting married or getting a promotion) a problem for her?

I am quite honestly shocked and disappointed. People tend to be very selfish... When I told a few people that I was leaving the company, they were pretty okay with it. When I told the one person who would understand, or so I thought, because she has seen how miserable I have been the past few months, she just kept repeating, over and over again that I am leaving her alone.

I let it go and waiting for her to be back from vacation, I assumed she'd be okay about it now.

Lo and behold, she still thinks it's her problem.

I mean, come on! Does it seem like I am leaving you to launch a personal attack on you?! Does it seem like I'm really abandoning you? And IF I am abandoning you, it is my choice and my personal commitment to do so and it doesn't revolve around you.

Sometimes, paranoia can be seen as extreme confidence and arrogance. Think that the whole world hates you, and know that the whole world will...eventually. You always think that I am at your beck and call and will be there for you no matter what happens, as you claim to be there for me? All you did was tell me to stay away from the one I love and to make me late for all my appointments. I missed a few opportunities just to help you out with your issues and until the very end of my stay here, you still assume this to be YOUR issue?

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Negativity

So some friends can be incredibly negative.

Here's what one of my friends said on YM:

obvious nga
kahit saang angulo mo tingnan mas mahal mo cya
tapos wala ka na namang tinira sa sarili mo
just don't expect him to be like that forever
nothing lasts...honest reality lang yan

~copied from an IM Chat Archive, name of the person deleted to protect his/her privacy

What does the world want from us? He's been nothing but wonderful lately and well, it just bothers me to high heavens why I'm being nagged to give a little less of my heart to someone who deserves it.

If he wanted to leave me, he would have done it sooner.
If he needed someone else, then why be with me?
And if I choose to be stupid, as is blatantly placed here, then let me learn from my own mistakes and rise from them. If I fail, it would have been my own doing, and no one else's.

I love him...enough to fight for him.
Everyone can just be negative on their own time.

A Trip Down Friendster Lane

Disclaimer: This is in no way a means to promote myself. It just feels good to take a trip down memory lane and to remember what people thought of me back then and think if that's what people still think of me now.



I have not been updating my Friendster for a VERY long time.
I may have been busy or otherwise, completely pre-occupied with a lot of things, but when Friendster was hot (I guess it still is...) they used to call the "Comments" box as "Testimonials". Here are some of the most amazing, if not funniest ones that I totally miss.

From Joy, my classmate in college... We went to Pandacaqui together, and took a long internship at one of the pharmaceutical laboratories located there.
This is what she had to say about me. Oh and I don't think I look like Angelu de Leon! Dear God! :)

11/16/2003 8:25 pm

Selfless!!! She really goes out of
her way to help anyone in need!
Kahitkakikilala lang nya!
Nung nasa Pandacaqui kame nina
Tere, we called ourselves F3(corny..)
and we were so fond of giving away
imaginary 'whitecards' to the maaangas
kapampangans..oops..kame lang pala ni
Tere, kasi si Mike, di sya naiinis sa
kahit na sino. Naka 1million whitecards
na kame, si Mike la pang nabibigyan!
Exaj no!
mmm...tsaka pala, meron syang 'sorry
syndrome.. feeling nya, kasalanan nya
lahat! hehe! Feeling nya, sya ang
dahilan kung baket patuloy na
bumabagsak ang ekonomiya ng Pilipinas!
Lastly...si Mike..she's a very
beautiful person inside and out. Di
nya lang maaamin sa sarili.. kamukha
nya nga si ANGELU DE LEON!!!!

Here's another one from Cushee. Well, back then, they had no limit on how much you write. I think Cushee was just totally taken aback and was really traumatized with what happened to her in that call. She eventually went past that and became one of the hottest models I've ever known. Hotstuff. :)

03/22/2004 8:59 am

Michelle Gan. Michelle. Mitch (I
almost called her that). Mike (to
beloved People Support Friends). One
of the biggest hearts I've seen. She
is so giving and one of the most
sincere persons I know. As a friend, I
don't think she'll EVER let you down.
The first time I met her, I had a Sup
call and she held my hand through it.
We're both control freaks...just a
little She's such a sweetheart. She
cares for her friends deeply and
supports them in their endeavors like
crazy (even if it means going home
alone during wee hours of the morning
and waking up at 4 to go to work).
She's simply like that, she's soooooo
sweet. I observed how she regard or
treat other people and it moved me coz
sometimes I'm like that, can't say no
to people, very flexible and sensitive
to other people's feeling even
sacrificing her own. But she does it
the best with ease while I try hard.
She's so compassionate and that's so
admirable. She's one of the most
beautiful faces I've seen (great smile,
great skin! flawless and clear. Like
looking at an angel's face!) You see
Mike and you feel safe. She's that
comfort place you run to, calm your
fears when you feel insecure or
unsure. My friend Eric pretty much
enjoyed your company at the Club (and I
did too!) I'm so looking forward to
more bonding moments with you. Thanks
sweetie for everything. **HUG**

*Actually, I think I enjoyed spending time with Eric then too. LOL! Too bad he was a bit younger than I was. :(

Another one from Mark, who was one of my Culture section co-writer. We were both correspondents for Kule in UPM. I love this guy to bits! Up to now, when we see each other around Eastwood, it's still the same feeling of doing leg-work together. I miss him so much!

05/6/2004 1:43 pm

Mike was one of my Atsis in Kule.
Together with Atsi Kat, we three were
the Culture Section's Chinese Mafia of
our time--or puwede na ring "The
Charmed Ones". Hehehe! Interview pa
lang ng mga Applicants, close na kami.
Love na love ko 'toh. Mahilig kaming
mag-leg-work together, mag-sama sa
article, magchikahan together, pati na
rin magpaka-toxic together. Yup, tama
nga, super caring nitong babaeng ito.
Certified philanthropist ata yan! May
pagka-Baby Arenas ata 'tong Sis ko na
toh. Sosy na may Napakalaking Puso. :-
) hehehe! Talino 'to at galing magpaka-
toxic sa pag-aaral. Left- brainer,
Right-brainer, pati na rin No-
Brainer, puwedeng-puwede ang utak ni
Mike. hahaha! Saka siya nga pala ang
Reyna ng "Suburbia" sa Malate. Want
some free tickets and free chaperon?
Just approach her! Hahaha! Luvya!
Mwah! =P

To remind me of a schedule swap, Badet actually had to post this amazing testimonial. LOL! Watch out, you might fall off your chair!

03/21/2004 1:37 am

c mike- my sweet n thoughtful batchmate
n seatmate. certified virgin kaya u
guys out there, this girl is one big
catch.dehinds pa nagka2boyfriend ever!
and she looks like angelu deleon,rayt?
i think their similarity does not end
there kc they both look like angels
pero mga naughty girls naman!cge, since
we're in the same bldg na, titirhan ko
na kyo ng tuna sandwich,he,he=)sana
ma2loy n swap natin...

Allyn is one of the most amazing and most wonderful people I ever met. She had the same birthday as me. I mostly remember her when I was smoking once in the Export Bank parking lot, and shaking in so much stress at the time, she asked for one cigarette. I remember hugging her so tightly when she was about to leave. I miss her so much! She knew I threw writing out the door as soon as I graduated. She gave me this beautiful hand crafted diary for my birthday, and wrote there that life begins with chronicling it.

03/17/2004 5:42 pm

In P.T. Anderson's "Magnolia" the
fictitious 1960s quiz show star Donnie
Smith [William H. Macy] said, "I have
so much love in me, I just don't know
where to put it." Took me 30-odd years
to figure that out but you...well
you'll know soon enough because you're
way smarter and wiser than I am. I know
sometimes you feel it's hardly worth
waking up to another day of petty
injustice, random cruelty and senseless
prejudice but...let me just borrow
Hannibal's line to Clarice: "If you're
looking for something good, true and
incorruptible...you only need to look
in the mirror to find it."

I just love how this testimonial was written. I think what I loved more was it was a countdown, something that Chloe and I are both familiar with since Stephenian Voice days. LOL! We still keep in touch, and I swear, should I ever get married, she is going to be one of my bridesmaids! By the way, from here on, I think they started calling them "Comments".

11/23/2006 2:33 pm

10 Things about Mich/Mike/Meg and what have you

10. Her kikay knowledge can really impress everyone
9. She can give _________ a mind blowing_________. (Fill in the blanks)
8. Her witty sense of humor will really make you laugh... nonstop!
7. She's actually strong on the outside but soft on the inside..
6. Her stories will make your time with her worthwhile (in my case, my time is always not enough when I spend it with her)
5. She will go out of her way to help you even if you don't ask her to. She knows your needs and that's the kind of friend she is.
4. Her advices will remind you of Dr. Phil (without the arrogance), Oprah Winfrey (with all the wit), and Margie Holmes (with the vivid description and the insightful facts) combined... of course she's prettier than Dr. Holmes
3. She will listen without judgments but will not spare you with her frank counsel
2. Her open-mindedness and liberal thinking is infectious. You will get an interesting perspective just by talking to her
1.She's just one of the rarest friend one is blessed to have... (need I say more?)

*I guess item number two proves that Badet's testimonial is not true. LOL!

Of course, if people would assume that I am no longer a "cerified virgin" as Badet puts it, then I can always be thought of as a lesbian, LOL. Here's my "girlfriend", Daisy.

02/14/2007 8:14 pm

* I miss my Beb so much!Love love my beb..miss u sooooooo much!I'm so happy for you!You got your man..keep him.Mwah!Mwah!Miss u my Beb, stay hot!Thanks for everything!"

Here's another dude that could very well be a back-up spouse. LOL. Just kidding. Jack and I have been friends for as long as I could remember. In all honesty, I think we were born to be friends because I have never met anyone who was exactly like me even in clothing color preferences. LOL. You need to have a female Jeoff, seriously!

04/17/2007 11:27 pm

Mitch is my double from an alternate reality. In short, she's me... with boobs. To prove my point, here's my testimonial to her: (Reference: See her testimonial for me.)
Meg or T.A.F.K.A.M (The Another-me Formerly Known As Mitch) has been my friend since eversince. Ito yung girl na bibigyan ako ng food every special event. Siyempre naman kasi may siomai at kikiam din siya from me. Dude, you remember the time I spent the night at your place and we were planning to dissect this icky frog? I have to agree with you that it is one of the best times of my life too. Sobrang low-maintenance friend nito, but when she says on her profile that there's nothing she can't talk about with anyone, it's an understatement. The duration I speak with her on the phone on a single session can be counted using man days! Hehehe. Good news! You're gonna become immortal because, by the looks of things, I might not get married at all! :P I dub you one of the most important friends

Of course, when it comes to writing, no one can be as amazing as my EIC, Irish. Apart from being my EIC, have I mentioned that we have been friends since elementary school? Yeah, I choose friends but I make sure I stick with them no matter what. :)

06/5/2007 9:52 am

Ang tanga na lang talaga ng lalaking di maka-realize ng kagandahan ni mitch, inside out. you will love her not just for her angelu de leon looks, diana zubiri cups (hehehe sorry gurl), you will be touched by the generosity of her heart and selflessness, amused by her wit, talent, intelligence, sarcasm and naughtiness. you'll love her just because there's really no logical reason not to do so.
i can't help loving this girl, and sometimes i'm guilty that i can't always be there (physically lang naman) for her when she needs a timeout from everything. kaya, may utang ako sayong kape one of these days, okei? ingat parati.

*This was in reference to me begging her for a date after my BF broke up with me then. :) Well, that was a long time ago, LOL!

Of course, some of the very best comments are from Jeoff. :) Too bad he's busy all the time. Oh well, someday, he'll post this really long comment for me, haha!