Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you. 

Further

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

So here I am, blogging again. For some weird reason, I have come to be very lazy at updating this blog. Only because I can Twitter to my heart' content. LOL! And it's not like this blog gets read anyhow. Not that it matters too. I might as well remember things that I have to note anyhow.

The American Idol Season Finale
I just watched the finale of American Idol and Kris Allen couldn't deserve it anymore than he does. He has such a wonderful voice and has done an amazing job at preserving who he is throughout the whole competition. He has talent and he does an amazing job at being on stage and performing. He has the makings of a new Daughtry or be the next David Cook - wait, he is the next David Cook! LOL!

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho Videos
Meg's Note: I wish I can provide the video here, but I think that's just really unfair to me and to people who read my blog. I know where to find it and I guess it would just be unfair to even provide a link.
So I have been in and out of my mind about this whole Katrina-Hayden thing. See what staying at home does to a person? I think I watched every damned interview she had and every damned comment he had to say. I am kinda scared now. I mean, I have had a pretty weird life and I have to admit that I am a little scared. I am no celebrity but I must have done something crazy in my life once or twice. What if someone took a video of it and posted it on a site somewhere? I am freaked out -a little. I think that every woman has a right to be protected against being treated like a porn star. Servers for uploading videos should have a fail-safe method of protecting themselves and women against videos that are not done with consent. (As if any woman would want her video being played over and over again for some horny, crazy maniac out there, but you never really know...) Digital signatures can be run for sites that run services for uploading vids like that. Or they can mimic what Facebook has been doing. They can police certain videos that would be caught with nudity or maybe even a check as to how legit the "star" of the video is. Either way, cyberspace laws in the Philippines have been weak. I think someone should start protecting women from this kind of abuse.
I'm not really sympathizing with Katrina, nor I am tolerating Hayden's actions, but I think they're both consenting adults. Even without being told, Katrina should have known that what she was doing could leak to the public. Another point is she knew she was being videotaped when she was dancing. I think it's weird that she didn't know that she was being videotaped when she was banging her head off. So, there's that element of doubt for me as to her actual knowledge of being videotaped while having sex. It's just sad that people got their hands on that video, and I'm guessing these are the wrong people. (Yes, it's me being sarcastic...) I like the fact that she has amazing boobs though. Haha, I gotta pay a visit to Belo sometime!

Viral Gastroenteritis
Yup, I was an unfortunate stay-at-home patient for four straight days this week. I was too weak and too sick to actually do anything at home. I didn't even log in to check my mails. Anyone who needed to get in touvh with me had to do it through phone. And my poor Jeoff had to suffer through my mood swings and my apparent lack of sense.
I was diagnosed with having yeast in my stomach. Ewww, right? What the hell?! Supposedly, your gastric flora consists of everything - from bacteria to a little fungi. Mine was through the roof. This was because I kept taking medications - so everything from vitamins to pain killers could actually mess up one's normal gastrointestinal flora. I guess the soda, the coffee wasn't really helping me. I was out sick for four straight days. By Friday, I was rearing to go to work but being back to work last Friday was pretty darned tiring. Thus, I am at home now instead of being with friends.
I also look forward to the day that my stomach will return to normal and not turn at the sight of food. Well, normal food. I miss being able to eat something with grease - think Double Cheeseburger. And yes, some fries. Oh, what I would give for a good seafood ravioli too.

Pain
I am currently going through something that I think I won't be able to talk about in detail here. It involves my incumbent family (haha!). I hope that things work out well. I feel that by far, I've done my best and I can only wish for a little bit of restitution and a bit of resilience from my end. I feel that all my life, I've tried my very best to fight off people who always tell me that I can't do something. I guess that it's been a constant battle for me. Until the day I die, people will always want me to prove something to them. And it's been a little bit unfair, I would say. I hope that this dies its natural death.
The problem with me is that I tend to care too much. Sometimes, a little too much. I have told Jeoff that everyone else can go to hell but I will keep on doing what I need to do and all that matters is him and myself. I believe that firmly. I hope that someday, people can see through what wall they have created of me and for me. People tend to be cautious with me, and very judgmental. I hope that someday, somehow, I can be accepted for what I am and what I represent, rather than being kept away at an arm's length because of what I am and what I represent. I know this seems fuzzy, but I surely hope that whatever storm I'm feeling, there will be a calmer weather in the future.

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Ok, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. I've been writing in my journal. But I guess this blog is something I should also update every now and then. I just finished a new starter training for Merlin. Oh gawd, whoever said just having a few trainees is easy was seriously wrong. It takes so much for me to be able to facilitate a class for two people. Especially if they're incredibly lacking experience in IT-related processes. Merlin supports this complicated process that I haven't really mastered. Why am I teaching it? Cos I need to... Come on, no one masters centripetal force in theory, yet it's being taught in high school, right? Same concept. I never claimed to be a master of anything anyhow.

It's been a slightly charmed weekend. I just learned that I had psychic powers. Don't laugh. It's eerily true. I was in the office, minding my business when this overwhelming feeling of being online on YM came upon me. It was weird. Don't ask me why. I popped Jeoff's window open , eventhough I knew that there was a snowball's chance in hell that he'd be online and just typed a "mwah". And he replied. It says that Jeoff is offline. Turns out that he was appearing invisible to all his friends and just got online too. It happened again when I called him up and he just left the office, ready to call me. Coincidence? I don't know. It was weird and it boggled me for the whole week. Can people actually read you? And do I possess that power to intuitively feel that someone is about to call me? It's relatively weird. I know people connect in a psychic way but my analytical mind can not get over the fact that it shouldn't be the case. It was probably just sheer coincidence...

I'm ready to teach SDI next week. I have three external trainees from AIG and Infonxx. Oh well. Hope I do well. I just don't want to screw up. I better prepare my game face this weekend. I should appear as someone who is technical, and well-versed with ITIL principles. Ah, you know what, screw it, I'm gonna be me. Take it or leave it.

I just had a lovely dinner with Cym, one of my oldest friends from way back Kindergarten (I kid you not!). We were classmates in Kindergarten, until I was in UP Diliman. Well, we'd always have lunch together. She was taking up Interior Design and was always scheduled in the Architecture Building (aka Arki) while I was slaving away in Didactics in Palma Hall (aka AS - Arts and Sciences). Now she's married with a kid named Ela, and well... it's been a fun ride. We talked about everything under the covers - este sun pala. Haha! Nah, it's just nice to talk with someone who understands life after singlehood and isn't afraid to spare you wiser counsel.

I just bought a new anti-ageing cream from Nivea. I bought the one that promises to "erase fine lines" and "renew skin cells" as if no other product has ever promised that before. Quite honestly, I just need something that my skin can tolerate. Especially now that I am almost 30 and I'm not getting any younger. I can literally feel my whole body sagging. Take for instance my headlights, Daisy and Dolly (yes, you can give them names) which used to be perky when I was in my early twenties. Now, I absolutely NEED something that lifts and separates - or else. Well, not to mention the fact that now, I make sure that I use firming cream everyday for them. Ok, don't ask me why. I'm just weird about my skin. I know that smokers have a 75-80% chance of developing skin cancer that is why I'm extra careful. Skin cancer can attack someone who is almost 30 while lung cancer usually strikes at the age of 40 and above. I'm not being vain or anything. I just sincerely want to protect myself. Also, after the onslaught of my skin lesion episode last May (thank heavens it's over and yes it left me scarred for life), I swore never to take my skin for granted again.

I'm losing the battle of the bulges. I think eating rice after 12MN should be outlawed. :) Well, I only have myself to blame. Beginning today, I swear to minimize the intake of rice so when Jeoff gets here, I can actually be presentable to people and not be the porker that I am. Hehe.

The Black and White Affair is almost ready. I just need Matt to view Opus first. I told him I'd take him there, but he opted to go alone. Yeah, kinda weird if someone sees us together in a resto in Metrowalk. I actually wanted to ask him for a raise (I'm not asking for a hundred thousand or so, I was just going to ask for an additional 5 K or so... )And if I take him someplace public, he won't be able to react negatively. Haha!

Well, looks like this is it for me. I'm going to catch some shut eye and relax because I think my body has went into hyperdrive the past few days. I've never been so tired. Oh well, time to sleep. ;)

helter-skelter

Alright, so SDM actually threw me off this entire week. It was one hell of a tumultuous week. I had a very tiring week of training and some more thanks to her idiotic ideas.

She asked me to do a two-week training for our multilingual speakers. It was pretty bad. Supposedly, it was because she wanted me to attend SDI, since it was an in-house training to begin, with Chari at the helm, shouldn't there be a way to change it? The training plan had been four weeks all along, and she wanted someone to compress training... Now she is washing her hands off the incredibly stupid thing of compressing training after she promised me that the TLs will be taking care of the hands-on training of the newbies. She claims that it wasn't her idea to begin with. Argh! Talk about being incredibly two-faced! She even asked for Yong's help to assist in the hands-on training of the new starters I'm handling now. She probably thinks I'm incompetent when she's the one who still doesn't understand what the hell is her role in the company.

She fails to inform her TLs on time. Check out the email below:

From: SDM
Sent: 10 September 2008 19:49
To: Me
Cc: HR Manager; Director
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I have already informed the TLs about this, though as discussed, we can only have JD and Rachelle join your review because of their schedule. JD will be coming in at 2-11pm starting next week until the end of September. Rota has been updated. We can deal with Sheila later on.

Kind regards,

SDM

When I got the email from Rachelle, one of the TLs...

From: Rachelle the TL
Sent: 12 September 2008 14:45
To: Me
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I know we are going to take the IELTS exam but wasn’t aware of the of the training.

For September 15, I have a service review meeting with (bleep) at 2pm, so maybe I’ll be join around 2:30 pm. Depends on how long the call will be, hopefully not much issue so I can join earlier.

Thanks,

Rachelle

So there you are, she claims that she has done something only for me to realize that nothing has been done from her end. Her people aren't my people and I'm thankful that I have no direct reports to worry about. Thanks goodness that the director was copied and I was able to make sure that she can't manipulate me anymore. I keep asking her to document her "directives" from here on forward. That way, I can cover my ass in the future.

She also claims that I'm not professional enough because she thinks that I don't know how to multi-task. The effect of which can be catastrophic if I train more people in more hours than I am supposed to. This seems ridiculous but yes, teaching is a very difficult job. Throw in eager-beavers in class and the dumb blond wannabes with the older but supposedly technical gramps and grams, plus the classic apathetic "rockers" and you've got a misanthrope trainer in the making. Yes, I dedicate the eight working hours to my trainees. As if it matters. Training really was designed that way. She claims that I said something like I'm gonna need clones if the amount of work stands to be the same all the time. Ok, I said that to the HR Manager, who is a friend, and that comment was not addressed towards her.

Argh! Screw her. Mr. Director should kick her out! Bonus though, cos she keeps on messing up, the entire European division of the company we're supporting has started to complain about her. Let's see if she can still save her ass if she gets confronted with all the issues starting to plague the HD.

Helter-skelter... everything's coming down fast... everything's going down fast.

I swear, it's like the director hired Charles Manson as our boss or something. The difference is, Charles Manson still had some form of charisma. She doesn't really have that much charisma... I think everyone in the office has a point against her.

It's Friday and I'm in Love

I was teaching a new batch of starters this week. I'm really tired and so, I think I have every right to miss out on blogging. Well, it's a weekend, I just got home from TriNoMa and I had a really great time. I thought I might as well tell everyone about the week that was.

Aug 18th
Monday was pretty darned hectic. It was Aileen's turn to do the whole orientation and I let her take her time instead of hurriedly going through 49 slides of HR Policies. She's basically reading the entire handbook to the new starters. The new starters included one German-speaking, two Japanese-speaking and three English-speaking analysts. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm training the United Colors of Benetton. The German speaker is incredibly hard to deal with. Oh my gawd, he can be such a pain in the butt. Oh well, I'll be moving on to my next batch right after anyhow. Screw it.
I went home at around 1:30 AM and waited until 5 AM. I called Jeoff up. I reminded him that it was my birthday and I deserved some time with him. Haha! Talk about manipulation! He was pretty out of it when I called. He was taking a nap. I said something like "Hun, aren't you going to greet me? It's my birthday!" He goes "Is it? You're too excited about your birthday..." He was trailing off when I also realized that it was just the 18th in Canada.

Aug 19th
Tuesday was pretty okay. It was hectic and I was teaching them the Support Portal and Customer Service. I am a bit behind schedule. It was my birthday and Merlin Policy dictates that I should treat everyone. Thank goodness Roy's birthday was on the 15th. He was the one who ordered from Buddy's and I paid for half the bill. We had amazing Pancit Lucban. We bought two bilao's. It was pretty damned good, especially with the cassava cake. I had so much to eat. But still I was pretty damned tired after the day was over. I needed some R&R. I went home pretty early but waited for Jeoff to call. I missed his call and when I awoke, he was already playing WoW. He was so ready to get me off the phone. It was pretty darn bad, because it was my birthday technically, and he can't even spare me some time. Oh well... men!

Aug 20th
Wednesday was of course, a pretty darned hectic day as well. Jeoff wasn't feeling well so he stayed home. He had a pretty bad stomachache. My poor baby was at home and not feeling so great, and I can't even take care of him. I'm telling you, the LDR thing sucks sometimes. Apart from not being physically together, it sometimes feels like because you're physically apart, you're also not connected to that person anymore. Like something stops you from really understanding things from your perspective. Nonetheless, I still went to work, this time teaching the trainees the ticketing system Merlin uses. I also figured out, based on sheer luck I guess, how to create a Support Portal account from Infra. I was able to teach the newbies everything about creating a Support Portal account. Career-wise, that was a big step. It really made me feel like I could be somewhat techie too. I also felt like it is a great feeling to make the newbies create their own Portal accounts. It made them feel like they were doing something good. Got home and checked with my hunny how he's doing. Still pretty sick. Awwww... :(

Aug 21st
I had to come to work early for a meeting with New Horizon's Learning Center. They provide Microsoft Certification training. They apparently specialize in CBT's, or computer-based learning. They did mention that they have live mentors who can assist participants. Now, we have about 5 analysts which we intend to certify in a few months' time. The level would be MC DST (Microsoft-Certified Desktop Support Technician) first, then MC SA (Microsoft Certified Systems Administrator). This is pretty exciting because I might want to learn how to be a DST. I don't know if I will ever get to be in the SA level. They had pretty great courses. However, I'm still pretty concerned about the budget. Training was pretty bad. German boy kept getting louder and louder and more annoying. What's more, I learned that he used to work for the same company I worked for. This kind of helped him become more "familiar" (read: feeling close) with me. It was pretty irritating when he kept insisting that the line on my slide that read "make sure that when laptop users want to back-up their files, they save it on their desktops" may confuse people because desktops are also called PCs. Hello! Oh gawd! I wish I never have to train someone who is this amazingly concerned about semantics. I was so pissed off, I asked Yong and Yogi to stay for an hour or so and get coffee. I pigged-out like hell! I ate a whole Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta breakfast sandwich and a Chocolate Lamington. Well, I think the highlight of the day was actually this...

Ewww, I know, I know... See, here's the thing. Yong, Yogi and I were walking to Starbucks from Ortigas Building which means we have to pass by Union Bank. Across Union Bank though, there was this immense cockroach! It was huge! As in if I put it in my palm, it would probably occupy my whole hand! It was almost as huge as a stick of cigarette. I've never seen anything like it! Ugh!

Aug 22nd
The day started with me having to call Chari to let her know about my plans of subcontracting her services to train my "kids" for SDI. Then, Rachelle asked for a round of Maxima training for her entire team. It also escalated to me having to reset someone's Oracle password because my passwords don't work in my very own Citrix client. It sucked like crazy because I was training people o Noetix and it was bundled with Oracle. Tsk tsk... I guess I'll never get my mojo working with Oracle again. I hate myself because I get flustered. If I'm teaching something important, I get confused when one application doesn't function well and instead of talking, I end up trying to fix my account. That's what I did. I sort of projected my incredibly unsystematic way of dealing with resetting my JAVA plugin so Oracle would work. Oh heck... I still ended up getting some coffee after. But we went for a bottle of beer first. Charles and Derrick visited the office and the Business Support gang decided to go to Carlos for pizza and beer. I got Erick, my former trainee, to tag along and we just had a few drinks. It was a fun time, cos we were primarily just chatting about work, it was light and pretty comfy. We moved to Starbucks right after and had a cup of java. Oh that was a great Friday night.
I ended going home at around 4 AM and Jeoff called me up, as if on queue. We spoke for a good 45 minutes or so, about anything and everything under the sun. It was as if it was the first time we spoke on the phone for so long. He was listening and laughing and teasing me. He was joking and he seemed like he was having a great time just talking with me. It was Friday, and I'm in love. :) That was one of the best conversations I had with him. I already miss him.

27

It's been almost 27 years since I was born. I just wanted to take the time to view my life from a 26 year-old's perspective...

I've been so blessed.

• I have a wonderful family whom I love very much. We've had our differences but we've been pulling through. I know that whatever kind of trouble or problem I face, my dad, my mom and my brother will always be there for me.
• Great friends whom I will never, ever wish to change. I have been fortunate to find so many wonderful people in this lifetime and I only can wish that whatever strength they give me is also the strength they draw from me. I almost feel army strong because of them and I will never wish for my relationship with them to change. I have a few very good friends whom I have shown the most vulnerable side of me. If I have cried in front of you, chances are I trust you. And if I have been crying and trying to explain my side at the same time, it just means that I'll give you half of my liver. I love my friends very much. While there are only a few whom I completely and absolutely trust, I sincerely thank you. I consider one to be my sister. And I love her to bits. You know who you are. :) Thanks for being the person who trusts me and the person whom I trust...sincerely.
• My career that may need a few changes but still is a kick-ass one. I'm very fortunate that I'm at this point where I can make my own decisions as a training personnel. While it is absolutely true that I am, at this point, the most senior and most learned training coordinator in the entire company, I think, I don't really wish for any promotion. I'm happy being able to teach and being able to find solutions to people's looping and sometimes twisted questions.
• I have been blessed with enough funds to be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures. Being able to take a cab when needed...capability to drink a cup of overpriced coffee when I want to, being able to dye my hair Phoenix-red...having a complete line of expensive hair care products just because I want to...a laptop that's amazing...a great bag and shoe collection...having cable and internet connection and electricity...
• Knowledge that is not necessarily useful but is amusing. I think this is the reason why people think I'm smart...because I know Potassium Permanganate explodes with sugar. Haha! Seriously! I think people assume I know a lot of stuff, but I think I only know a few things. It takes years to master an idea and decades to have one of your own, well at least a billion-dollar one. :)
  
• Having a slightly normal, kind of offbeat sense of sarcasm, wit and sense of humor. I think it saves me from a lot of confrontations.
  
• Having someone who is able to see through my actions and words right into my heart, who knows how to forgive and love while proximity isn't on our side

I have been blessed. I don't want to ask for anything else. I only ask that the people whom I love will be blessed with excellent health and more time with me.

It's been a wonderful world. It still is. It will always be. God has always provided and God has always been kind and good.

Chuck

I love this nerd!

This is what I'm pretty busy with over the weekend. Rye lent me his season 1 DVD of Chuck and seriously, I'm just going to be a couch potato and eat popcorn and never get up.

By the way, Chuck is played by Zachary Levi, the same annoying Kip Steadman from the now-defunct show "Less than Perfect".

One of those Days

It's one of those sad but very real I HATE MY JOB days. Wish I could get over the fact that I am almost ready to chew my own arm off to get the bond off my head. I feel like I'm a moving target. I certainly hate the fact that the SDMs of this company has somewhat managed to irritate me to my wit's end.

I don't understand why I can never seem to be completely happy in a company. Maybe when I get off this bond thing, I should really re-evaluate what the hell should I be doing. Maybe I will be happier being in a sweatshop factory. I don't know... But I am seriously giving this a thought.

I feel like I'm falling down... It's ridiculous to want to ask yourself what the hell you're doing in a company that you agreed to go to, but it's also ridiculous to turn your back on a decision you made. This is part of being an adult - delayed gratification, succinct and subtle ways to tell your boss he's annoying and knowing that actions have repercussions. If only everyone who works with you know these three rules then there wouldn't be much issues, right?

Bitch

Ok, so no more Miss Nice Girl. I am through believing that there is some justice in this world. I am a bitch and I'm not happy the person I've repressed for a good three years is resurfacing so promptly.

I've been realizing that I'm determined more than ever to get to be the training director - to a point that I actually almost cornered my boss and told him off. I just had a clever exchange with the woman he hired to be his Service Delivery Manager who thinks I directly report to her. Imagine my pain. The only reason I accepted this job was because I directly report to the Director. I never wanted to report to some bitchy manager who knows nothing about the service. If I wanted that, I would have just accepted any other job in a contact center. I can't believe it. She was marking her territory. She made it seem like I will be appraised by her. As if I care about damned appraisals. I can be fucking big time and they'd still flaunt the bond I signed upon employment. Oi vay! Two years!

I have several theories why I am turning into this angst-ridden training coordinator...

One - I am really this cutthroat, manipulative, conniving bitch who thrives in an environment that pushes me to throw my boss into a chair and ask him why the hell am I not being given the training director post...

Or maybe... I'm just lonely. Don't get me wrong... I'm not depressed. I'm not tired of my life. I'm not someone who cares so deeply for the world that global warming causes me alarm. I am really not that much of a Pollyanna. However, I am a woman. I am someone who cares a lot for the people she cares for. Whatever sense that makes. Maybe I am just wishing I can speed up time. Maybe I wish I can make time go faster by making me more tired.

Or I just like drama. Haha! Find me someone who doesn't like drama.

Everybody wants a good drama. Everybody wants a good villain. Everybody wants a good leading lady. I'm neither.

Last theory... I am just pissed cos I know I'm smarter and nicer and I practice all of John Maxwell's management principles, and yet, for some sucky reason, the bitch with the bigger ass and no idea of what the service she manages is the one who will appraise me.

Now, how's that for drama?

Wasteland

Who Lyrics

After a long good look at what I have done, I think I did well. 60% of my people got to earn the right to be part of my company. Whew, not bad. Well, I don't think I was doing bad, despite the last post. Seriously... I think I was doing well despite the circumstances.

Now, I'm looking forward to a meeting with The Boss next week. He'll be back from his beloved Budapest and I'm his only ticket to getting those Hungarians to speak better and communicate with customers in a much better way. We'll have to talk about HDI soon as well. Mental note to self: Must be in complete anguish so he increases my salary as I bitch about the lack of tools the organization is giving me.

Yes, yes... I am in some sort of rebellion. I have had it with his knee-jerk reactions. I was hired for a process, not to change it. I ain't raising a finger to push his buttons. Make me a director, and I'll do everything needed. Hmn, sounds threatening enough. In the humor me department, this is something that I should do... Bargain for something greater and something that gives me supreme power over something I can not control.

I simply want the bond to end.

I know, I know, how stupid of me to agree to something I haven't checked out yet. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE everything in this company. I love the people, I've made great friends. Like JD, the sup for the European shift...Yong, their L2 - more like the human lifeline for all things technical... Roy, the reports analyst....Yogi, the lovable fashionista...Rye, the incredulous boy who looks like Nicole Richie...Ela, the process-analyst who looks like a fashion model... and Aileen, aka Boss Ma'am. Lots of names, mostly men. Have I mentioned I work for an IT company? They are mostly men. The last two hires were me and a lady manager whom we will further on call Cuddly (not because she is in real life, but because I can't call her a micromanaging dominatrix without actually feeling guilty about it).

Cuddly has been ratting me out to Pretty Boy, aka The Boss. I would cry about it, except that for some reason, I stopped caring a whole three weeks ago.

Funny, if I care not, why dost thou tryst thy ideals unto the screen, you ask...
Well, surprise surprise... I intend to write memoirs in the future. A male and female boss ganging up on me would completely make for excellent book sales, don't you think? I can embellish the truth and say that they intended to have an orgy with me but I stood my ground and actually said no, hence the pain they cause my head everyday of the work week. Kidding aside, of course, I am but human. I still somewhat carry the all powerful axiom of working-class laborers. You attack my work, you attack my humanity...you attack me.

For some reason, as I awoke earlier this morning, I really wanted to work and I thought about the reason. What drives me to work? Is it cause I get a two-thumbs up from The Boss? What about Cuddly? I don't really get any external validation from any of them. Nor do I get any satisfaction in expelling and chewing up trainees for dinner. I am simply someone who is ferocious enough to stare a lion in the face. Come chow time, I know I just intend to stand really still. Hence the song... I don't really need to fight to prove that I am right. I need to stand still. I just want to stand still.

I know I am never going to fully be immersed in this process. I know I only count to three when it comes to my principles. Give me three headaches and I'm gone. Somehow, I think Merlin is going to stretch my patience. Wait, I think Cuddly and Pretty Boy will be stretching my patience.

Worlds at War

Worlds clashing and banging against each other - it seems like that... And my head is smack right in the middle....



I have been experiencing some difficulty in this job. It's a bit weird. I completely am wondering if this is the right move. Training has been one heckuva disastrous ride. Every bump giving me a wonderful migraine attack. I just spoke with Pretty Boy earlier. He said something like "I've been impressed with how you've handled the amount of work given to you." My foot. I think I now understand the reason why God made you so irresistible... it's because you're a jerk.

I know, I know, very uncharacteristic of me to trash my boss on my blog, yet somewhat, hell, it's my blog.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days. It's mainly because I have been busy setting up training and actually training new people. For some reason, my boss has been incredibly busy in Hungary... I seriously need some structure. I need a boss that would hold my hand through the first stages and would tell me off if I'm doing something wrong. I need someone who won't ignore my 5 Point Plan. I need someone who can decide immediately. I can't deal with indecisiveness. Nor can I deal with micromanagers.

What complicates things is sometimes, the new manager is somewhat similar to my direct boss. She always complicated things with knee-jerk reactions. I need a company that won't push only when someone pulls.

Training has been a complete bust. Imagine losing 4 people under a span of a month. I must be some kind of an attrition monster. I'm so incredibly bothered. What if I'm not good enough for this company? Oh crap. I seriously don't have time for self-doubt.

How I live my life is incredibly simple. Every day of my life, I always - ALWAYS - try to look forward to something. Like last March, I looked forward to being in my new company. Last year, I looked forward to Jeoff coming home. Now, I am still looking forward to Jeoff coming home (Maybe more than ever!) And seriously, I look forward to every weekend.

Lost

It's funny when you start off knowing where you are and end up in a sea of confusion...

I'm wondering if I've lost the magic touch. Back then, I'd be wonderful... Whenever I get into a new company, I'd be dazzling everyone with the touch of gold. All my ideas are valued and my skills are treasured and it makes everyone amazed. Now, for some reason, I am not getting everyone to go "Woah, she can't make water into wine, can she?!". I have been, for the past 3 days trying to understand all kinds of applications. I have been learning Active Directory, Oracle, Symphony and even Hyperion. Believe it or not, I am to support these applications in the next two weeks. I have several more applications to work on. Citrix being one of them, including VPN, and other such applications. I've never felt more lost...

It feels like I'm a fish out of water again. I am in a huge ocean of IT sharks and I'm the only guppy left behind. I am shark bait and I'm just waiting for the big bad ocean to give me that one shark that would swallow me whole. I got a 13/20 on my first assessment. Hell, it ain't even a passing mark. You know what? Hell I care, I got a good score. For someone who has never done tech support, I'm a really bad-ass candidate!

Well, the plan was really for me to go for it and in gung ho fashion...
I don't think I have the right to question my own decision. I studied the potential and took the time to research and fight my way into getting this job. I think I have the right to make mistakes and to learn from them. Well, little note to self, I'll do better the next time. I swear it!

Time of Your Life

They say that 26 is supposed to be the prime of my life.
Well here I am. Pushing that little tumbleweed to the corners of my mind, wondering if there will be a way to reconcile what I'm feeling and what I know.

I have been feeling incredibly stupid lately. Thanks to the idea that I'm supposed to be the training coordinator, I'm feeling like I need so much training that it should blow my mind. I've never been one to complain about training. Usually I get what the trainer means. But for some reason, Active Directory , Oracle and other Telco systems do not mesh well with the noodles in my brain. I have not been a very good pupil. I am not getting this. I'm not getting anything. I'm trying my very best, but man, is my brain fried or what?

So I'm also trying my very best to make my long distance relationship work. I'm a little worried because he's still not opening up. When I ask him about things, he seems still distracted and worried about something. I have absolutely no doubt that he loves and he's just sick of work, but I feel shut out of his life... completely and absolutely shut out of his life. Like I don't exist, and maybe it's better if I wasn't there, breathing down his neck about spending time with me and being with me. I'm thankful that I'm busy - with all this training crap. At least it gives me time to focus on my own crap. This is the problwm with me. I have to create drama in my own life so I don't create drama for him. Something incredibly pompous of me to do, because I need some direction, and some guidance in this relationship, and sadly, sometimes, I look towards the wrong people for advice.

The worst advice I've gotten so far? Get another job so you can focus on your own shit. See what happened?

There are a thousand things that I deserve right now. I'm only asking for three.

1. Good health and safety for my family and loved-ones , yes this include friends and Jeoff .
2. A very stable source of income
3. The ability to accept things as they come and not get incredibly fumed about it.

Zen moments tend to save you from long arguments and from stupid conversations. The ability to drown out white noise from the background is an amazing ability, and when you hear something you don't want to hear, the ability to pretend that you didn't hear it is so much better. Maybe I'm not asking for Zen moments. Maybe, I'm asking for the ability to lose my hearing. Or worse, the ability to feel anything more than what I feel now. If I'm always overwhelmed, nothing would be able to cause me so much pain.

Well, I'm 26 years old. Maybe it's not the time of my life yet. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the world isn't ready for me. I don't know. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I know I want to be good and complete before I marry the man of my dreams, who chooses to lessen his words, but not his love. I want to be ready for the world and all it has to offer. I am ready to be beaten but I am not giving up without a fight. I swear, even if this is the last thing I do.

Questions

Today, I was subjected to a lot of questions.

Mainly from my learners. Poor innocent learners that have no idea why I am leaving the company. I was asked so many questions, offered jobs that I had no idea how to do and also some quite err... indecent proposals? Haha! There comes a time in a woman's life that she would have to choose between an aging German guy who probably walks around with a cane and a slightly naughty upbeat woman who has lesbian tendencies. I chose none. Thanks very much though.

It was nice feeling wanted and appreciated at work.

I tend to be a pragmatist in dealing with loss and/or opportunities. Emotions don't seem to catalyze anything for me. I am always the one making choices, except for when I am feeling maternal. Or broken-hearted. Or both... But talking about emotions, I feel them curdling inside me, wanting to break free.

Why is it that now that everything is set, I feel so scared to touch the ground?

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Maybe it's because all of a sudden, I feel incompetent. I feel powerless. I am suddenly scared that I'll f*ck up and I would have no one else to blame but me.

I am hired to take the driver's seat. I am hired because I can change a company, because I make things happen, because I can train 150 people all at the same time at night and manage working tools and CRM softwares during my lunch hour and make it on time for a 9:30 AM client call. Because I am a micromanaging corporate b*tch and bosses love that. What the hell am I so scared of?

I am scared of all these changes. So terrified of something real that for the first time in my life, I might not know how to handle. Did I mention I was hired to take the driver's seat? That was what the Managing Director said. He said I was supposed to drive. The direction, I probably know. How, I have no idea. I only have my brain to work for me now.

If I was to strategically design a 2-year plan of action for this people using a RACI diagram, I'd be sure to include everyone - the more the merrier? The less of an A I am (that's accountable to you...silly!). If I was to create SWOT Analyses for every project then the weaknesses would always include "lack of time" or " inability by A to provide possible solutions and/or compromises". Every facilitator's guide in that office will contain only two terminal objectives:

1. To be able to learn all concepts
2. To be able to apply said concepts

None of those would be SMART objectives if I were to sum it up in a CSS code showdown among my helpdesk analysts.

I know everything I need to do. What am I so scared about?

I need to get the scaries off my head before I even start f*cking up my newfound career.

Missing You Like Candy

Been a long time since I last wrote here. I think the last time was a few months ago.

So what has happened?

Mandy Moore craze in Eastwood.
Mandy Moore is about to rock the world later tonight. All day and night long, I've been hearing Mandy Moore songs - from her break-out song "Candy" to the latest release.
Just to make you feel my pain from having to walk several meters to get food and hearing the blaring music... Mandy Moore also caused so much traffic in Eastwood that I almost had to get out of the cab prematurely to run to the office.

All that traffic, I hate Mandy Moore! Argh!

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Incubus and Maroon 5 visiting the Philippines
Incubus and Maroon 5 was just here. Did I get to watch any of their concerts? Did I get to see any of them? That's a resounding no...
Apart from the fact that I do work for a living, the damned tickets are so expensive. P5,000.00 to see Maroon 5? Err, I'd rather keep that for something else, like a new gadget or a semi-used MAC.

Almost landing a flight to Boracay for a staggering P10,000.00.
I almost agreed to the plan my friends had. They're planning to go to Boracay, and it was for a staggering and impractical amount of P10,000.00, only for the flight. We're not including hotel accommodations and whatnot because the resort might not be available. I am a little bit shocked, because it isn't that practical to begin with. Why not just reserve the P10,000.00 for something else? Like a flight to HK or something more enjoyable than staying in the beach with 10,000 other patrons?
The bad thing is that my friends think I'm not going because of the amount Oh let them think of what they want to think. It's too late to change their minds anyhow. I just don't agree with actually spending that much for something that expensive. Oh well, some people are just suckers for the beach and I'm sadly not one of those people. I would rather spend time with someone over a very good dinner and just have coffee. Oh well, but it is just so "manang" of me to do that.

Training and Development Coordinator for an Ortigas-based company
I have just tendered my 30 day's notice to iTi. I am now, officially, the Training and Development Coordinator for an IT company. Don't ask me what my responsibilities are. The Managing Director lost me at SDM. (Sound like Sadomasochism, but trust me, it's more IT-related than that.) Seriously, a year of training myself to use CRM softwares such as Salesforce is finally paying off. I'm now getting what I'm worth (I hope)! I have said goodbye to a few people in the company. Well there are only a few that need to know anyhow. No one needs to say goodbye and get me so teary-eyed. I am going to miss a few people though. But well, friends are friends, no matter where I am. So there.

Patience badly needed!
I noticed how I have been lately. I've been flaring up more and getting more and more negative about things. I don't like this person I'm turning into. I think my job is getting to me. And handling 10-12 different people within a day with different needs. I think the whole idea of losing it is turning up. Kidding aside, I think dealing with low-level learners makes me a bit more impatient. As I told Aleena earlier, I really need them to improve. And I can't stop at them learning how to use the past and the future tense. I need these learners to learn to love the language. It's darn hard... Sometimes, I really feel my brain starting to leak out of my nostrils. It's hard being an English trainer! It's even harder doing it over the phone. What's worse is that I feel so out of my element here. None of my learners seem to be improving. I never feel like I'm a good trainer or at least a trainer that's good enough to last. I guess that's why I'm yearning so badly to be back to what I know best, despite sacrificing my precious "me time" once more.

Jeoff
Ahh... the only thing in this world that keeps me sane...my breath of fresh air.
He once said that he's never for me when I need him. Actually, I think I would completely lose it if I wasn't with him. True, I have it better than other people but truth be told, maybe I need something to remind me that this is the case, and he does that so often.

Meg Interrupted

The plan...
It was a lifelong plan - to be successful - to go beyond everyone's expectations. The best daughter, sister, classmate, friend, employee and hopefully director anyone's ever seen. '

If I was a machine, I was in my prime.

I still am.

I am 26 years old. I am well-versed in all sorts of BPO's - small scale to large scale industries. I am experienced in negotiations for accounts that need help. I was an implementations personnel for the longest time - implementing accounts and campaigns, designing modules and facilitators' guides, doing TNA's and ROI evaluations, even reviewing eLearning modules. I reviewed employees' performance and based on Excel sheets, I can say who stays or goes. I can command trainers and operations managers and had my brushes with bigwigs of companies. I was pretty powerful.

Now, I am someone who stays on the phones to teach English. How anti-climactic.

I am tried and tested in the rules of the game. I know that to proceed to the next level, I need to show how much I want it. I need to show hunger, drive, passion - the unquenchable need to progress.

Am I really that power hungry?

Actually, now that I have been thinking about it, probably not.

I consider my life to be pretty valuable to be wasted on a position that will probably destroy my hopes of becoming my own person. I don't want to follow someone's footsteps anymore. For me, at this point in my life if I can stay as stress-free as possible and get paid well enough, then that's pretty good for me. I don't need a shiny rectangular name plate on my desk saying "VP for Training". I think I've done good enough for myself here. There isn't much hunger now. There isn't much need for power.

People assume that it's because I'm about to get married and that I am probably throwing in the white towel and not finding a job befitting someone of my stature. Although this is shameless self-promotion, I'm not sorry to say that yes, I am better than where I am now. And yes, I have done better, but now, it seems trivial. I am sorry that I can't make more money but being able to go home as I please? It's pretty priceless. To be bored at wit's end just because of lack of things to do? Also priceless. To be rewarded with an occasional thank you from a student who learned a new word today, priceless!

I'm no housewife. I will not be a housewife. I know I need to grow as a person. But I simply choose not to make work as a lifelong passion. I think all I breathed, ate and slept was work then that now, I'm pretty fed up and I'm just enjoying what I have.

When I was younger, in my junior year in the university, a guy named PiWi Aragon, and he offered the whole class a peep into their past lives. Do you believe in that? I never did because I firmly believed in Karma. Professor Aragon gave me a run for my money when he told me something...

He said that I was an Brit who was given a chance to be in Asia by the British Empire in my past life and in every life I lived, I only chose power, intelligence, authority over true happiness. And that I had a chance to change it. That this life was given for me to fight for true bliss and I wasn't going to roam this earth alone...

I didn't understand what that meant.

My childhood friend Mary always comments on how sad my eyes are. She always says there's something hidden there. Like a sadness I was born with. I didn't understand what that meant. I had no idea because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying right?

Onwards to college... I always viewed crying as a sign of complete and utter lack of self-control. I didn't see it to be in favor of me or in favor of anything that I stood for.

Emotions were futile, unless it was anger or pain. If you're not in anguish, shut your trap and just suck it up.

Until Siege, a former colleague told me that I always get what I want. Jeoff even mentioned that I was too serious about work. And suddenly, it hit me. Sir PiWi was right. Seems like I was falling into the same thing, following the same steps. Maybe because it all came to me so naturally. I wanted to excel at something, to prove myself, to be the very best at what I did such that no one has the right to point a finger. I had to be the smartest, most loyal and most amazing at what I did. I hated it when people pointed out mistakes so I did it such that I had no mistakes. I was far from perfect, but I knew I was getting there.

I stopped.

Did I find perfect happiness? Not really. I would never be completely happy. I understand that. I don't deny that, nor do I claim that I will never be. But for the first time in my life, I think I know what it feels like to belong to something or someone.

Meandering Meg Musings

If there's anything I don't love, it's being idle...

Oodles and oodles of nonsensical non-productive hours meant for creating something extraordinary...your masterpiece, your canvas of life.

If I was a musician, I'd have tons of compositions now.

I've hit a slump in my professional life. Now I view work as actual work. I don't see nor do I feel extreme fulfillment when my students experience the "A-ha Moment" Oprah is so fond of talking about. Nor do I get to feel anything special as I go through work. Funny because I am not overloaded. I am not even hitting 10 lessons a day.

I can't really say what makes me tick. I know I'm pretty self-motivated. I don't really need anyone to tell me I'm doing a good job because I'm my own worst critic. I am however, concerned with what I've been feeling. I don't even feel like hanging out with people I used to hang with. I just feel like crawling into a rock and not leaving for days...

I am only comforted by the idea of two things:

1. Routine
2. I'll snap out of it syndrome
   

My friends have been on my case for weeks now. They have been pointing out that I've become a home buddy as of late. Hold on, I've always been a homebody. I've never liked the raves, the parties and the crazy and never-ending drinking/binging sessions my friends ask me to put up with. I really just prefer cooking for my friends and just taking some time to make a good pot of coffee and talking. People don't seem to get that.

I haven't watched a good movie as of late. I should so that soon.

My iPod collection is a weird one! I have songs from the 70's, techno music - yes, rave type music that I used to love, love songs - as in the cheesy ones, like the one I'm listening to, ala Olivia Newton John pre-Xanadu, I also have rock songs like Drowning Pool's "Bodies". I've been looking for Ozzy Osbourne's "I Don't Wanna Stop", it's pretty cool. I also wish to get the latest album compilation of Jaya. See? I basically listen to everything!

I could go for a huge cheeseburger right now. I'm thinking of juicy medium-rare fat patties from TGIFriday's with their huge fries and a glass of Coke Light! OMG! Joygasmic!

I am itching to go to the beach. Don't ask why... I have no right to wear a skimpy bikini, nor do I have the ability to breaststroke my way into greatness but dear God, the smell of the ocean would be really good for my soul right now.

The one thing I wanted for my Chinese New Year was a good kikiam. Don't think of the street food. Good kikiam is prepared methodically, using pork intestines as its casing with veggies and ground pork inside. It is actually better steamed. I got that last night. My mom cooked great kikiam for everyone. You can buy one from Maxim's Tea House in Ongpin St. It's the best!

I am totally losing my hair! That new shampoo I'm trying might be making my hair weaker than it's supposed to be. It smells wonderful though...

I am really good at cutting back on my smoking now though. I am smoking less and less and craving it less and less. There was even one time that I didn't smoke for an entire day. Well, it was a weekend, but hey, that still totally counts!

I have been doing some random exercises. I just set my iPod to Beyonce, Shakira or the Pussycat Dolls and it's an instant work-out. Or I can just opt to commute to work. THAT is an instant work-out!

Single Me Out

OK, so here I am, doing my work, when I came across this log from an American trainer I supposedly should be working with. I totally wouldn't mind if she complains about my way of handling the lesson, or if my student complained, however, she concluded that I was a bad trainer because I didn't send out a complete report.

The procedure goes like this. We call the student for 10 minutes and see if the student is available for the lesson. We try so many times that our hands get calloused on the dial pad of our phones and we have to log everything that happens in the lesson. Now, should we have a student who won't be able to make it to their lessons, we mark it as a NO SHOW. It kind of leaves everything behind... a template that you may not have edited on account of preparing for the next lesson, a series of logs that you copied and pasted into the NO SHOW page for proper identification. Apparently, American Woman was not informed of such things and she automatically assumed that I sent a report to a client that was just a template.

What bothered me is how blatantly I can be singled out by this woman. Apparently, she has no idea that people can actually read lesson logs and that people can and will see. If she has any knowledge of the software, she would have indeed seen that I will be the next teacher for this student. She did this to aggravate me? Perhaps. She did this to throw me off balance? I guess so. Did she succeed? No. Because I am a bit bothered by the lack of information she was given from the very start. The poor woman knows scrap about the software she has to use. What a pity!

Manila - Alabang - Eastwood in 5 Hours!

Yes, I did take the chance to be interviewed.
Yes, I am at fault.
Yes, I should have just stayed home and rested.
Yes, I just came from a very bad flu.

Oh but the offer was too good to pass up. I had to take a chance and see. As my dad puts it.. "At least, nakapamasyal ka".(At least you got to roam around).
The setting was in Alabang. It was so friggin' far, I left my house at 1:00 PM my time, to arrive to the destination at 3:45 PM! I was panting and tired and swollen (my feet were) when I got to the site.

The office was amazing! Sparkling glass doors. Pristine floors. I loved the restroom. They had an NYFD (New York Fries Department) inside the actual building! The Festival Mall was within a 15 minute drive's distance. Parking spaces available like there's no tomorrow. Amazing training rooms. Excellent mini-conference rooms. Friendly agents and even friendlier managers. I swear I died and landed in call center heaven.

But there was one weird bit.

It was one huge traffic jam after another to get there. Getting out of there was even worse. I can't find any cabs anywhere. I had to walk a whole kilometer to get to a post and watch jeepneys pass me by every minute and I don't even know where they're going. It said "Zapote". I don't even know where that is!

The problem is I'm a geographically challenged gal. I had no idea where I was at the time. I knoew my way home and to Eastwood but other than that... I had no friggin' idea where on earth I was.

I was freaking because my panel interview lasted for half an hour. I would have finished earlier had it not been for this weird dude who kept asking me about my management background.

All I said was "I came here for the training analyst post, not as a manager. I want to do corporate TNAs and develop materials again and to teach trainers to be good facilitators."

Oh well. When I was about to leave the mini-conference room, they asked me the question I dreaded the most. "Would you like to be a manager again?"

Quickest reply was "No."

I said "I came here for the training analyst post, right?"

And I left. Never to return again.

I'll Manage

I started out in this company wanting to disappear due to the incredible pressure I felt from all the other companies I have ever worked for. I remember trying to pirate someone from this company... Wanting that person to work with me, not as a subordinate, but as an associate, because I needed someone strong in my company. The universe didn't smile upon that chance of working together. The universe seemed to have another thing in mind. I quit my job and decided to go back to school and start my very own drug distribution company. That person, in turn, decided to ask me if I would be interested in doing this job while earning my masters in Toxicology. It seems like yesterday.

It seems almost unbelievable that I have been here for one year. I have met incredible people along the way. I have met good people in almost every company I have ever worked for, but this has been one good ride. I almost fell off my chair when I noticed what date it was. It is now September... A good years or so ago, I was running my fingers through tons of paperwork, deciding on which school I should go to. Also, running figures on my Excel sheet, wanting the best drug distribution company to be set-up soon.

Due to so many changes in my life, I decided not to go through the business, not to go through going back to school. Long story short, I decided to be an ordinary employee with an 8-5 job and come home at the right time, have a good meal with my family and watch TV to lull myself to sleep. Although the money wasn't as good as my previous jobs, I think I was okay... I was doing okay...

I got bored. I got tired of what I was doing, and all I could do to entertain myself was to dwell on my former love - make up, clothes, I became a stylist at the same time. I would spend my entire Friday morning conceptualizing shoots and lay-outs and my weekends dressing, undressing and making people over.



That's the first mom I ever did make-up, hair and styling for. I think her name is Lyn or Raquel, of course, I don't remember anymore... Her pictures appeared on Health Today. I spent the next few months going through pegs - magazine cover shoots that would look amazing on magazines.

I didn't quit my job as an English teacher, I still went on. Finding the best solutions for my European students. Sometimes, it got frustrating as hell... Moving from one topic to another in a span of 30 minutes. My head mentally calculating the expenses for the next night-out...my brain seriously seeping out of my nose as my head spins around, looking for anyone to save me from the disruptive sound of my typing. Sometimes, you really want you students to learn and when they don't because of some weird circumstance, like inability to hear you, lack of practice, with which, they have full control over, it gets mighty frustrating...

It's almost a year now! Wow, I got over each and every insecurity. Before, I can't even tell the difference between "make" and "do". Now it's almost a surefire way of starting a good lesson.

I started wanting to disappear, now I can say that people somewhat respect my opinions. When I leave, I can say that I did my best and that I didn't cave in to the pressure, as I did the last two times I took work seriously. Now I can say that although I am visible to people, I am able to carry my weight in this company.

There isn't a reason in the world for me not to continue. But sometimes, I am afraid that there also isn't a reason to go on... If I could continue styling, and control each and every circumstance that comes my way, I will be the happiest person on earth! Sadly, styling doesn't allow yuou to progress in the corporate world. How else will I be able to afford anything without a good corporate job?

When my student asked me earlier how I'm doing. I didn't think of lying anymore.
"Tired", I said, my voice sounding really tired...
"Oh, that's not good..." he said in his thick German accent
"I said, oh, it's okay... I'll manage." I said, reassuring him that he was not the reason I was tired.
"Oh, I didn't know you can manage how your body feels!" he said, slightly amused that "manage" can be used in a variety of ways.
I moved on with the lesson, discussing "manage" in a variety of ways.

Today, I will be facing 5 more other students. All with their own needs, own perceptions, own ideals. As always, I'll manage.