In My Head

Yup, this is my life. It's a myriad of parties, crazy and amazing nights out with friends and drinking sessions after work at this Mom and Pop place called "Whistlestop". I can say, I should be the envy of everyone I know. I personally think I drink too much, apparently, I can hold my alcohol anyhow. I haven't done anything stupid or crazy or God-forbid life-altering. I think hitting the right combination of slightly sleepy enough to not cry when I get home,  happy enough to enjoy any silly dare and sober enough to get home is a skill. Good thing I always hit it at 3 drinks. At the end of 3 drinks of mojito, or premium beer, I can head home, not cry and want to get enough sleep and yet, enjoy the company of the usual suspects I drink with. 

Ivan and Iris are two of my closest pals right now, prolly cos of the August connection. I don't know. 

Because of Ivan, I've learned to let things go slowly. I feel happier somehow... I think he makes me realize that tomorrow is always better cos I've never seen anyone so carefree yet so responsible at the same time. (Is that hard to imagine?!) I see myself in him somehow. He loves to have fun, go party on the weekends, have drinks after shift, take pics, watch movies. That used to be me! I used to want to have fun and my weekends used to be filled with so much wondrous events. 

Iris is a spitfire. She has a thing for several guys in the office and she flirts with them openly. It's so funny how she can get a guy super red in the face. Last 29th, she had a dare from her best friend, Cucci to neck with Ivan. It looks like they totally enjoyed themselves. Lolz. She even kissed Ivan on the dance floor. The only dare I was willing to do after a tall glass of Strawberry martini was to dance with Ivan in a seductive way. I just unbuttoned his shirt and pretended to straddle him but other than that, I wasn't in the mood to lick, neck or kiss anyone. I kind of wanted to get home and remove my curly hair wig, lolz. 

Iris' birthday bash @The Fort Piazza

So yup, they seemed like they had fun. I'm still trying to rest from my party the other night, at Icon. It was so weird seeing the Intercon for the first time since I was almost about to get married there. I saw the pool, the cute resto that I wanted to try, where I was supposed to get a complimentary breakfast as part of the honeymoon suite that I will get for my wedding. It was so odd, and yet I felt a peace that I can't explain. This was the last step to truly getting over someone - the might have beens. The next step would be to be able to name him again on this blog and maybe to truly delete all the bad memories I have ever had, be more forgiving and be less pointed about what could be and what will be. 

Iris, Candy, Russ and Me... @Icon

I totally love my friends cos they're with me at any point. It makes me miss my married friends, but well, what are you to do? You don't like the same things anymore and well, sometimes, vices are the only things that hold you to someone. At least Ivan and Iris wouldn't reprimand me if I slept around, lolz, not that I do... 

I miss my friends. I miss Irish and Cym and Chloe, somehow, I know they miss me too. I was really tight with them when I had Jeoff, maybe because for some reason, I felt like I was going to have that kind of life... you know, young wife, about to be a mom, cooking for her hubby and I was going to totally love it. I was pretty sure of it. The sad part is, I ended up losing Jeoff over distance and time and space and while my plethora of friends and family think he's stupid to let me go, he's a much happier person now and he's bound to find the right girl soon. He made me want to be the wife... And now that I'm not going to be a wife, I think I have to keep on frequenting the clubs and going to parties to meet the one. I know that sounds like a crappy, sucky plan but maybe, when I meet the one, I can then do the couple stuff - you know, shopping for pots and pans with friends, grocery shopping, cooking on the weekends, having fun by the park... and not feel hurt or rejected at the end of the day. 

Oh well, someday, maybe when the time is right, he'll come to me and say he wants to get married. Maybe... 

Could Have Been's

I haven't blogged for some time. I mean, it's been one serious event after another. All the drinking and booze-y nights I've had with team mates and friends and even family has made the transition to singlehood easy yet painstaking. I don't really like alcohol cos it has this superbly disturbing effect on me. I tend to be more awake than sleepy when I drink. Lolz. I know, I know, I'm just one of those people that don't digest it as nicely as other people do. But my limit has gone up. I can now drink 7 bottles of light beer without passing out. Hahaha!

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It's not like I have fans or anything but every time my mom and/or dad decides to give me something silly, like a tub of ice cream or  either one allows me not to get out of bed for one whole day, it makes me feel like I've let them down. They seem so comfortable in knowing that I'm depressed, that I'm in a rut, that I'm lovelorn and hopeless... Hahaha! No one has given me the fuck it, get out of your freakin' bed and stop eating that ice cream speech. Well, my friends are all really busy. My best friend, Cymmie just gave birth. Jack and Chloe are moving to Australia. Irish is busy with church. Winch is going through his own depression. Aileen and Arnel are getting ready for their baby. Yogi is well, himself... I guess I am starting to think that my depression is only mine. No one is going to sit down with me and tell me to move on or yell at me or say things like "you can do it, Meg, you're great...". It's all mine. But it doesn't help that some people did believe that I will get married, that he and I will be the exception - that long distance relationships all falter and die.

So to people who don't know... I just ended a 4-year relationship with a man whose name will never be mentioned. He took my heart and broke it into pieces, not that it's entirely his fault. I have to say that I had a hand, well, I had a huge hand in it. I didn't cheat or anything, but it was grave and I insulted his family, I made such a huge issue of certain things following his mother's comments about me and my family over the phone. I don't know, somehow, people gave me their theories about what happened. They keep telling me that he has another woman, that he's gay, that he has no balls, that he just lacked the drive, that he's afraid of commitment but my favorite is that he fell out of love, cos I think that is the most possible one. He woke up one day and he chose not to love me anymore. Nothing to it, it happens. It makes sense. It fits. Everything that mattered one day didn't matter anymore. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to make him happy, I was not worth the fight, I wasn't the one. I just wish he didn't waste my time. Hahaha... I could have slept around in my twenties. Now, I'm a 30-year old washed-up hasbeen and the only guys that want to sleep with me are those that I rejected in my early twenties. Hahaha. Okay,so I write this with all the dripping sarcasm and disdain of a scorned woman but I know myself well enough to know that somehow, I wouldn't have slept with any of them even then. Well, who am I kidding? Even now. Hahaha! 

So, over the weekend, I keep hearing this damned song. Via Videoke, the television, Youtube, I mean God knows, it was all over the place and I just thought, you know what, indulge... What could have been? I could have been a wife, a mother, a lover, a sweet addition to a family. I could have been the one... I could have made him breakfast every day, wearing my robe after a wonderful sleep, making pancakes and brewing coffee. I could have made Coddled Eggs with Jerusalem Artichokes for breakfast, or even Eggs Benedict, maybe some bacon on the side. I'd then get ready for work... shower with him, maybe to save water. Then have a quick make-up routine while he dresses up in his shirt and slacks. I'd put on my slacks and soccer-mom sweater set. We'd call each other for lunch cos he'd be working on one side of the Toronto area and I'd probably be somewhere in the middle so I can pick up groceries and pay for the bills after work. Somewhere near the post office, so we don't get late payment fees on the mortgage and my car payments. I'd be home before him, cooking some minestrone I learned from Giada or Nigella the other day. I'd have some store-bought cornbread so we can have a hearty meal. When he comes home, I'd be fresh off the shower, his slippers would be on the couch and I'd have done some light laundry. He'll be sitting on his Lazy Boy, flipping channels.I'd be giving him a light kiss and a nice back rub. Then I'd sit beside him for some TV and some soup...  His sister may be joining us for dinner, or I would have picked her up after grocery-shopping. She'd be joining us for some crazy conversation about her silly colleagues. His parents would call at night. I'd have a quick pow-wow with them and then they would talk to him. On weekends, we'd be jogging around in the park, near the mall... We'd have brunch then go to church. Then maybe go to the mall or just veg out. I like vegging out on weekends. Sleep through out the afternoon and maybe have a nice romantic dinner at night. 

There are so many things that could have been. 

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not regretful. Every single thing that lead me up to this, I would do again. Not because I don't know any better or because I know any worse, but because I am accountable for myself. I feel terrible for ruining my chances of what could-have-been's but you know what, if I was really loved, if I was someone worth fighting for, I would been fought for. If I was really the one, I would not have could-have-been's. I would be living them now. 

I'm not the one. I was let go of. In this world, that happens. I keep playing it in my head. I wasn't the one who let go, I kept on and I showed courage. I showed love in the most unbelievable stages of our lives together, unconditional, true, unfailing. Even when insults came at me, I stood up and vowed that I will love him forever. I am not sorry for loving him. I'm sorry for the consequences of my actions. I wish somehow, his parents will see that they push people away. I felt torn down every time I came across their path. I felt sad every time I met them cos they really make me feel like I was going to do something wrong, like I wasn't going to do right by their son. I hope the next woman that comes into his life will have more support from his parents. Maybe that's all I'm good for. I'm the woman that will be their yardstick for life - you know, if some Debbie, Angela or Rosemary enters his life, at least she's much better than Meg, and quite honestly, if that is what would make him happy, then I'm all for it. 

I have not given up on love. I'm just giving up on this one. I loved truly and unconditionally. I love him still. I don't care if you frown upon it or if you feel like you should slap me silly. I know I do and it's useless to lie to myself about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he doesn't anymore. He couldn't care less anymore about what goes on in my life. The tone of his emails have gone from slightly accusatory "I thought you lined your weekends up with men" to one-liners like "Ok" in a span of a week. I think he's meeting people and having fun, which should be the case. I always hoped he'd be back and he'd sweep me off my feet and say he loves me. That's not going to happen... 

The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing...I guess our song is over as we began to sing...

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...

Yellow Ribbon

It's one of the saddest, most affecting news of our time. Former President Cory Aquino, democracy fighter, mother of Noynoy, Kris, Pinky and Ballsy, advocate of peace, yellow lady, died a few days due to colon cancer. I grew up with Tita Cory being the president of the Philippines. I grew up watching documentary after documentary of every coup attempt there was to oust a woman president. I grew up believing, because this frail-looking woman became president, that I too, can become someone powerful and influential someday.

The theme I posted here was the proverbial them song of her regime - the yellow ribbon that became the symbol of EDSA, the culmination of the power of the masses that rose against the military rule, the tie that bound the Catholic Church, the new government and the ordinary people, under the foot of an Immaculate Conception statue in the long, winding road of EDSA.

This news has totally overshadowed the GMA state visit to the Obamas'. When GMA delivered her self-serving SONA, GMA primarily boasted of her invitation to the White House - being the first ASEAN leader to be invited to the White House. Tsk tsk... And while she claims that her need to sympathize with the Aquino family is not driven by her political motives, it seems to be so. It always is, and it always will be.

A few hours ago, I watched a long and winded TV telecast featuring Gen. Biazon and his cohorts De Villa and a few other military men who have stood with Tita Cory at the time of the 9 coup attempts. Tina Monzon-Palma who, once being with the TV network GMA-7, came to be a bit too harsh in dealing with Biazon - and interrogated him regarding the take-over of the media stations n the country. Other coup attempts include RAM and the other militant groups. Rehashing the past won't bring Tita Cory back. However, memories tend to haunt us and make us realize that today was not any different from yesterday. We still have coup attempts, we still have mass disorder and anarchy among the masses and even the military. We have never learned our lesson as a country. Sadly, the death of one person does not a chapter conclude. We need to believe in ourselves as a country and fight for what is right.

It goes back to the yellow ribbon. Do we as a country really understand the significance of a yellow ribbon? It's not to be used to mourn Tita Cory's death or to celebrate her life. It's not an FB profile picture to show the world that you are well-versed with the new...It is the bond that ties every Filipino to each other--rich or poor, old or young, educated or otherwise.. we fight for democracy, for goodwill, for peace, for great intentions, for equality, for human rights, for order and for the life that each and everyone has right now...

Jolt of Wisdom

I miss Cara, that jolt of wisdom who used to sit beside me.

Wonder what she's up to now...

Me Time

Spending my weekend here at home kind of makes me feel slightly alone. I know I am bound to have something to do later. I am pretty sure that Sunday isn't all about Facebook and dozens of Nick cartoons, but while I am at it, let me tell you why I am enjoying my little alone time.

• I woke up at around 9PM. Had a little chat with Leo, a friend from the office. Too bad he's all alone there.
• Took a box of microwavable popcorn, butter flavored. Had a fun time just watching the poppers pop. Melted some butter in the microwave and threw in a dash of hot pepper sauce to the butter. And threw it into the popcorn. OMG! Joygasmic!
• Watched a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants and CatDog while I was munching down on the popcorn. Heaven!
• Took a shower. Used the chocolate/caramel shower gel. I came out of the shower incredibly refreshed. Felt so good after that, I even put on lotion! My skin feels a little better. Re-applied the wrinkle cream on my face and on my "crows' feet". Argh! I'm getting really old. It's around 2am.
• Got myself a good cup of coffee from the brewer. Added a dash of flavoring. Yum! It was vanilla and a little cocoa. Haaay! I drank that and puffed myself a good stick of lights. Absolute heaven!
• I tried a little HBO. Chanced upon Robert Downey Jr. and in this weird flick that looked like it was rotoscoped in CGI. Wow, I was hooked. It was "A Scanner Darkly", loved it! It was mainly a weird sci-fi kind of movie, but I loved how Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves were in that movie. They seem so great together and the twist was just surprising, y'all should see it!
• It was 4:30am when I finished the movie and I decided to bake the remaining fish from dinner. I couldn't resist! It was bangus (milkfish) with the skin crisped to its perfect form, and the flesh dipped in soy sauce and lime! OMG! I wasn't gonna resist that for the world! Yum!
• I am currently eating that wonderful dish while I'm typing. :) Don't ask me how... LOL!
• I will later pour myself another cup of brew. And smoke a stick...

I am living a good life. :)
Yup and I'm grateful I didn't go anywhere tonight!

Missed

I feel stranded in a life that isn't mine.

I have been mulling about for weeks. I feel responsible for it. And I feel slighted for feeling this way. I have been slightly irritable, uninterested and very distant from people.

It was evident when I was at work last Friday.

Usually, I am a pretty good conversationalist but it feels like I spent most of my energy giving my lessons and winning clients, instead of actually dealing and conversing with anyone. I bet that most of the people were wondering what the heck was going on in my head.

I have been missing Jeoff, more so than I ever did.

Earlier, we had a pretty long talk. And it was heaven, I feel like floating... I really miss him so much. And I'm not talking about a conversation that talks about the future or the past, I am talking about just simply having a great conversation-about anything and everything under the sun. I really love this man because he quite honestly respects that I have a brain, well enough to figure out what I love talking about, and he also appreciates that there are some ideas I can't grasp. In short, he understands that I can't do it all.

I love the fact that he is opening up more and isn't so dyahe to come to me when there's a problem. I mean, I get the slight rants and the favorites and the different things that happened during the day, a play-by-play of the recent movie he loved and an everyday heartfelt "I love you", but nonetheless, I want to hear what bothers him, what makes him tick, what upsets him.

I got that. That was the best Valentines' day gift.

Don't get me wrong, it's like I told him. I am not here only for the good times, I want to be there for the bad times.

I love him to bits.

And although it's late... happy Valentines' Day, handsome. You are my life.

The Gamer

Saw this on one of my Multiply friend's page. I guess he posted it because of his own issues with gaming.

Well, it can be found on Yahoo. That's sad though. I am probably never going to be a gamer but Jeoff is one. He already told me before we got together... He's never really stopped paying for the bills or spent more than 6 hours on a raid before, so I am not sure if the dude on this story is just plain hooked or stupid...but you never throw 6 years of marriage for gaming. What they could have done though is make sure that the husband has enough time to play and raid.

I remember having to cut some conversations short so Jeoff could raid but never to a point where he would just put the phone down cos he needed to raid so badly. He schedules it so he doesn't lose sleep nor does he lose in touch with his WoW friends. (I call them the WoW friends - people from Winnepeg to Manitoba on his Facebook.) And I think that is very responsible.

Valentines' Word Vomit

What is February 14th but another date? For sure, others would find it significant, important, relevant and very compromising. I find it irritating, with a dash of salt to my already injured existence.

I don't intend to be in anyway, emo about this. Just that lately, I've been craving for a huge load of you guessed it... affection!

I am in a very healthy relationship. I love my man to bits and I know he loves me, but sometimes, he tends to be more straightforward and less affectionate. Here I go with my sweet mushy nothings, intended to make him forget about the long hard day he had... Sadly, he takes it more as an amusement and chooses to lessen the idea of "us" time, thanks to the long hard day.

I totally get it... I totally get that he doesn't get why I crave attention, affection and all the time in the world. I just get really insecure around Valentines' Day. He's currently in New York, with very little time for himself, and I know life is quite hard for him. I have no intentions of making it doubly hard by demanding attention and affection. He deserves all the rest he can get and all the things he needs to get - like some alone time, some time with friends. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel somewhat neglected. I know he's not neglecting me. I know he's not taking me for granted, because dear God, he's been wonderful. But sometimes, things do not go your way and your feelings tell you something when you know it's not the truth.

Maybe I just need to have a long talk with him to rid myself of the evils of feeling unappreciated. But the thing is, I kinda get it, women and men have completely different needs. To him, if he asks me how my day was, and he listens intently, and get an advice about what to do next, he's home free. I completely appreciate that. I totally do... but I want to dwell on the feelings I feel. I want to talk about the future and our dreams together.... I want him to tell me how much he misses kissing me and embracing me. I want him to say that he'll never want anyone else over and over again. I want him to be okay with me being completely mushy and lovey-dovey.

Don't get me wrong, I don't cry and wail when I don't get what I want. I do get a little irritated with everyone else, which is probably not so good when you live with your brother and his slightly irritable girlfriend and your parents. I completely negate my positive vibes. I guess better that than me fighting with him cos I'd end up caving anyhow.

I am thankful that I'm slightly being mature about it. "SLIGHTLY" being the operative word here... I know that feelings don't necessarily matter to a guy. They choose to be with someone based on love, which is a feeling, but they value the solidity of that commitment to be with you. I don't really know for sure what I value. I know I value him. I value affection. I feel rejected when he fails to mirror what I say, like I tell him that he's the most beautiful man in the world, and he tells me that "you know that I think you're hot"... I mean, he takes it as me having self-esteem issues when all I want is a little TLC. And sometimes, yes, Friendster and Facebook comments - they sweep me off my feet. It's immature, childish and very unbecoming of a woman my age, but I really wish that I'd get an eCard or a public comment with him stating to the whole world that he loves me. Add the "awwww" factor and you always, always get brownie points.

I also know that no two people are alike. Sometimes, you get to love the person that may not necessarily be as romantic as you want them to be. But sometimes, I really wish he would be more romantic. Not the unrealistic Romeo that intends to make you swoon and sigh, but just someone that shows you affection when you most need it.

Maybe it has something to do with the distance. Or the fact that I really am madly in love with him, but seriously, a little love won't go array. Seriously.

I even doubt that this will get read until after Valentines' Day. Ü

Alright, alright... It seems funny how people tend to be, like me, a complete affection nazi. I would have been better off I was craving donuts or a big old gallon of choco chip ice cream. I am probably doing a thousand things wrong in this relationship too ie: being clingy when I feel like he's not being affectionate enough. Well, let me blame my girl hormones for that... The normal things that go through my head when he's not in the mood to throw some affection my way: "Oh no, he's not feeling the love anymore, I gotta show him more love, more affection, I need to spend more time with him..." What's in his head when he's not in the mood: "I'm tired, I need to go to bed early cos I have work tomorrow. I knows she knows I love her..." '
So yeah... for someone who knows that and read thousand of books on how to psychoanalyze him cos he's from Mars and you're from a completely different planet, (damn!) I suck at application. This is why I am never going to be Six Sigma certified... I get the theories. I totally can memorize everything from cover to cover but I totally suck at seeing things from a bigger perspective. I wonder why I totally get Math and all the never ending differentials and the functions but not him completely.

So what would make me happy right about now?

• Affectionate him... someone who tells me that the moon is nowhere as beautiful as me. Cheesy as hell but this is my blog right? Go write your own if you have any issues with that.
• Him with more energy for me. More time to talk with me about anything and everything under the sun. More time to talk about the future, plan with me, dream with me...
• Him having an idea of why I act so clingy sometimes.

Now getting those things won't be in any way easy. I do not think it's even possible. Again, not pointing fingers. I am just acknowledging the fact that things are very different and things are very negotiable.

I still think he's everything. I know he is my life. And this - the whole I need affection deal, does not change what I feel. It's just that if I can get what I want, why not?

Like I said, this is just word vomit... This is me at a certain time at a certain ideal. In dire need of coffee and smokes and great company as I have my daily walk around the province of Eastwood. I probably just need some ice cream. :)

My December

I realized that in a few hours, it would be a brand new year. I will miss this year and all the crazy and weird things I had to do to make this year work for me, but nonetheless, I am thankful, or as one of students put it-THANKSFUL... LOL!

Gratuities

My family who's all in great health. My mom and my pop being together for 27 years and would still (shamelessly) make out in front of my brother and me. My brother who despite being wild and crazy never kicked out once in his university of choice and may actually graduate after 3 more years of being in college. LOL, love you bro!

Jeoff, who constantly made me feel amazing since we got back together this July, or was it June? I never really remember the dates anymore. It even got to a point that we both forgot our anniversary and he kept insisting that it was September 16th and I kept insisting that it was October 29th.

My job which makes me relax and comfortable and gives me enough money for a big life-changing event for the next year. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am bound to be an employee for the rest of my life, LOL. Kidding, it kind of reminds me that people out there want to learn and it rewards me automatically. A students says something like "You're the best teacher ever", in a day, and you're set for a whole week.

My old friends. I have several friends but some I have met since nursery school. These friends, I feel will be with me forever! No matter what I do, no matter how much I cry, whine, go crazy or mess up, will always have my back. I especially am thankful that Cym has given birth to a lovely girl named Elhaym, and although I haven't seen the baby yet (I'm afraid to go near a baby cos I smoke), I will see her and I'll be thanking God for that beautiful sweet angel...

2007 at a glance

I lost weight! Yay! Not enough, but I have to lose some more...

A friend gave birth.

The first time I went to Luisita and saw Tin's baby, Drake! Cute kid!

I proved to myself that I can survive for a month without Jeoff. After a month, we were back in each others' arms, well figuratively.

Got BLUE, my favorite laptop that I'll never give up for 17K Asus! :)

One of my friends announced that she's getting married soon.

Met Cara, Myles and Rachel. Got Ryan and Shaui to work for ITI.

Got to have very interesting and quite challenging students at work.

Met Frank, my blind boy. (No offense meant, he knows I call him that). He's the 13 year old boy I tutored for a time.

Decided to let things slide and chill.

Reconnected with some old friends, Toshi and Erik.

Had a very good time with people at work. Got close to the Support people courtesy of Gai. Knew Glenna and Noelle more. Met new people at work, like Paolo, Justin and Kevin who all make me laugh.

Things to look forward to

More money!

More career opportunities!

More shopping days with my friends. I would love to go shopping with you. Chloe! Please prettify me! LOL!

A life changing event that will totally rock my world, I hope.

Year 2007 (According to My Blog)

It's my countdown to 2008.

Got this one from Kcajcauorek

Copy and paste the first paragraph (well in my case, had to choose a couple or so) from your first entry of each month this past year. What better way to sum up your year and make a countdown to '08!

January 2007

I had a great time just vegging out. I am sooo laaazy! Oh god, I think I gained 50 pounds just by not doing anything... well, not entirely true. I was a bit busy researching for my article. And guess what? I get to do another one! I'm so happy! My article actually got published! People really pay to see my crap! And guess what? It's not any kind of nonsence that I used to do. Dear, this is a parenting article! A parenting article that is all about keeping your family close. I can't believe that I actually can write. Haha!

February 2007

i'm sad today. don't ask me why, it's just a general feeling of sadness. i am a bit depressed. i know it seems silly, feeling this way when there's nothing to feel sad about. i guess that's why journals were always there to begin with... to record and recap what happened in your life and for you to learn from it.

i forbade myself to cheer myself up today. i woke up feeling all the damned injustice done to me today, intentional or unintentional, felt or forgotten. it is just one of those days to reflect and to casually go through the motion of being me.

March 2007

so my hunny is here. i am as usual, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit rattled but more so, very happy that he's finally here. he's not staying for good. he's just here for a few days. i know... just a few days? well, i don't mind. as long as i can make him happy for a few days, that's all that really matters to me at this point. last night, i closed my eyes to a bright night, with a silvery moon and some stars. nope, i wasn't camping out. i opened my window to see the moon shining so brightly.

all i could do right now is wish that everything will be alright. he wouldn't think i'm a fugly biatch, or that i'm some weird psycotic looney case, or that i'm some weird she-devil brought out by the devil to torture him.

April 2007

it's over. no more hoping, no more wishing, no more dreaming of this man.

how did i realize it? how did i come to this conclusion?

i was walking in the grocery aisle sunday evening. i hate shopping in the afternoon, because there would be a lot of people there. so, i usually do my grocery shopping at night. thank god malls near my place are open til 10PM. i saw a couple. the guy was holding up a cantaloupe for his wife, who seems to be ready to give birth. the girl kind of looks like me. fair-skinned, a bit chubby, thanks to the pregnant belly. the guy looks a bit like him. a little tan, stocky... seems like someone you could run to for comfort. i just looked at them transfixed. i started shaking. before i realized it, i was tearing up. i looked away and went to the poultry section. it seems surreal, but i started noticing. every damned couple that was passing me by. someone was looking at me like they recognized me, someone seemed like they wanted to talk with me... a woman even looked at her boyfriend or husband and whispered. i think tears were starting to fall. and i was in the poultry section. that was extremely pathetic, even for me.

May 2007

i hurt someone badly today. and you know what hurts more? it wasn't that i hurt him. it was like i didn't feel anything. i let a man who could have been everything walk away with nothing. and i didn't feel anything.

i cried sure... but it was very menial, almost superficial. i was happy. i was excited. i was free again.

and then the man i love sends me a message. and the tears keep flowing again... every word, every single line, every apology, every nuance cuts through me like a knife. and i've never been happier.

and i've never been more alive...

June 2007

choose me...

people fall out of love because they choose to...people get scared of the future because of what they choose over things that should be there...people get lost because they never choose the right way.

i can make you happy. i can make you real. i can make everything happen in a few months if i my see that you see my worth, my truth, my beauty.

choose the pleasure, choose the pain

for now...

i promise to make you happy only if you let me

July 2007

Is it possible to miss someone this much?

Sometimes, I wish I can unlove someone just a little. Because somehow, the pain of the distance is killing me.

I'll be home soon. I'll be with you again. Back in your arms. Hearing your heart beating, that when I know I'm home. That's when I know I hear you. Feel you. I want to be home... I want to go home now.

August 2007

What are insights?

They are nothing but mere opinions. Free and cheap. Comes with a functional brain. Comes with a fancy package courtesy of words and deep melancholia and nostalgia that matters not to people who listen to it.

September 2007

I started out in this company wanting to disappear due to the incredible pressure I felt from all the other companies I have ever worked for. I remember trying to pirate someone from this company... Wanting that person to work with me, not as a subordinate, but as an associate, because I needed someone strong in my company. The universe didn't smile upon that chance of working together. The universe seemed to have another thing in mind. I quit my job and decided to go back to school and start my very own drug distribution company. That person, in turn, decided to ask me if I would be interested in doing this job while earning my masters in Toxicology. It seems like yesterday.

October 2007

Yes... I have fallen prey to the snazzy advertising and the cheesy theme about connecting to loved-ones abroad. Aren't we all suckers for that whole crap about connecting to people you care for the most?! At one point or another, you only want to make your life easier, hence my need to have internet connection at home.

I have been a loyal consumer of this broadband company. In fact, I was one of the oldest customers of this brand. Ever since they started their campaign, I have been loyally paying my bills, lining-up to get decent customer service and yes, even commenting on their forums. I even have a friend who works for them!


November 2007

It has always been postulated that the answer to life's questions can be figured out using a mathematical equation. A highly complicated one, if you ask me. It goes beyond triangulation of quadratic equations and breaks even the Mobius Strip. I'm guessing it has all the weird snake signs (What I call the Calculus symbol for integration, the elongated S?) and the function goes beyond negative infinity (yes, people, it exists).

People somehow define infinity as a number, actually, it's a mathematical law that numbers never cease, and that anywhere in this universe, you're bound to deal with numbers. Mauk Escher (MC Escher) even made tons of money trying to depict the concept of infinity. And he uses the Mobius strip to somehow capture the idea that something is never broken, and that it all exists as one whole band that is 3 dimensional and unbreakable.

December 2007

Ok, my bad... my recent fascination of all the applications on Facebook rendered my blog almost useless. I haven't had the chance to actually get into my blog and do some major blogging. I blame my apparent lack of self-control when it comes to my affairs. Hehe...

So what has been happening. Hmn... I have the Christmas Party to worry about this weekend. I wonder what I should dress up as. I'm also thinking of totally just vegging out on a Saturday instead of partying. I'm just not in a very partying mood lately. It's supposed to be a hat day for everyone. I wonder what hat I should wear. Justin (the tall one) said he'd come as a mime. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea since no one seems notice a mime. I'd just sit down and smoke, or wait for a few hours to go by until it's time to come home.

Love, Actually

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around.
-Prime Minister (portrayed by Hugh Grant)
Motion Picture - Love, Actually (2003)

Reflecting on this year's ups and downs, I just realized that love sort of makes the world go round. Love of money, love of family, of a man or a woman. It makes people desire more, want something other than the life they have, achieve things beyond their wildest dreams...it makes them late for work, buy sexy lingerie and do crazy things.


And love actually is...

• Just a wonderful, exciting feeling that makes you believe that the world is a swirl of orange-colored skies and pink trees with rainbow drippings in every step.
• A crazy deranged feeling that kills you as much as it sustains you.
• An excuse to be crazy.
• The be all and end all of my existence.
• Hurts big time!
• Cradles you in time of need.
• Makes you look forward to the next year, and the next, and the next...
• Gives you less reasons to fear being tied down to a single person for the rest of your life.
• Is not easy to do, especially when you've been hurt before...
• Takes so much of your time and effort.
• Does crazy things to your insides when you're about to see the man or woman of your dreams.
• Not lust.
• Not security or trust or any of those words that you thought you were looking for in a man or a woman.
• An absolute bliss to have.
• A remarkable journey that I know is worth having.

And love actually is what I intend to pursue the next year, and the next... and the next.

The Wishlist (Part 1)

So it's Christmas. I have been wanting a few things this year.



A VISA and ticket to Canada
I think that's enough crying over spilt milk. I want to get to Canada. I want to be with Jeoff. I want to find a way to get there and I am not afraid to admit it. So people who can read this, this is me begging. If you know how I can get there, please let me know!


Lipgloss collection
Okay, okay, I have way too many lipglosses to be asking for a whole set of lipglosses, but hey, I love my lips and I like color on them. I love the plumpers, the slick shiny lipglosses, the baby pinks and the shocking reds. If anyone will give me one of these, or better yet, one from the Kiss and Makeup, then they will get a big wet kiss from me.


A brown trench coat
I'm a large. This trench coat is from GAP. I think it's a great way to spend money. I know it's really warm here in the Philippines, but I'm a sucker for these jackets! I would love to get my hands on this ensemble-completer! It's gonna be fabulous with my taupe bag and my shiny leopard-print stilettos! Cool!


Knee-high boots
I love these boots! The first time I laid eyes on them, my heart just skipped a beat! I can imagine outfits to go with this! I can imagine tight white tops with loose mini skirts and a wife leather belt on me. This is again, on my weekends, and therefore will never be seen by anyone in the office!

Those are all I can think of for now. I think I need to have a few more window-shopping days to find out what else I might want.

So, just wait for part 2. :)

Another Day Goes

I work at night, and I sleep all day. Such is life for a person who has earned a living feeding off another country's resources, and with good fortune, I've done my best and my part to responsibly face each challenge with much aplomb. I have carefully thumbed through materials, researched, learned and unlearned. I've crossed chasms of unsuccessful projects and pushed boundaries when it comes to my craft. But at the end of my night, when I come home, that's when it starts.

I am an alcoholic.

Right. I'm just messing with you.

It's when I realize how I have changed over time. I am more mellow now. I lose myself in a book (most recently, prolly Facebook, harhar!). I could keep silent and just have a random idea tossed in my head for hours on end. I can stay by my window and watch people busily tend to their lawns or clean their cars (I live in a place where garages are not really used as garages.). I have come to believe that I have grown. Back then, I would kick and claw and scream for a chance at something - a styling job, an article, another job, some time with a boyfriend, coffee time with friends. Now, I've learned how to back out, bow out gracefully and even admit my mistakes automatically (Well, more often than not...).

Last week, I just received some pretty bad news. I am still in shock as to how it happened. I can't imagine what I could have done, or what could I not have done to make something happen. I am, of course, devastated. For whatever reason this happened, I was told, by a very wise man, that it's just a snag and that I'll get through it. I am... Everyday. Slowly but surely. When something beyond your comprehension happens, the first thing that comes to mind is to blame someone, get hurt and start clinging on to dear life or to cling to people that matter. Thank God people I love somehow love me too. They're still around, and not going away for a long time... I hope. The doubts creep in and the fear sets in. You're boxed in. You're trapped. You're stuck. Then you drown in self-pity and think that it's the end of the world (Okay, too dramatic, but hey, don't stay in the kitchen if you can't take the heat, eh?). It could have been. I could have annoyed the hell out of people. I could have isolated myself (which I think I did for a few days). I could have burned bridges and fought and kicked and screamed and clawed for something...

Now, I'm letting go, and I'm moving on. When things screw up, somehow, you got to see a better, bigger picture to keep you going on, to get you fighting - silently, but still fighting.

For now, I only want one thing...another day loving and living, feeling and understanding...

Party Pooper

Ok, my bad... my recent fascination of all the applications on Facebook rendered my blog almost useless. I haven't had the chance to actually get into my blog and do some major blogging. I blame my apparent lack of self-control when it comes to my affairs. Hehe...

So what has been happening. Hmn... I have the Christmas Party to worry about this weekend. I wonder what I should dress up as. I'm also thinking of totally just vegging out on a Saturday instead of partying. I'm just not in a very partying mood lately. It's supposed to be a hat day for everyone. I wonder what hat I should wear. Justin (the tall one) said he'd come as a mime. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea since no one seems notice a mime. I'd just sit down and smoke, or wait for a few hours to go by until it's time to come home.

Again, please don't ask why. I'm just not a party person.

Lately, I've noticed that I only want to stay at home and just lie down. Maybe it's the whole sedentary lifestyle getting to me. Maybe it's the lack of people who truly understand what a party is to me. Maybe I prefer to have a simple cup of java with friend and chat non-stop about our lives, our perspectives and all that shit. Oh crap, it's the weird introverted freak I've been trying to hide all these years! It's rearing its ugly head.

Hopefully by the weekend, this feeling will be over and I'll get to enjoy a party with colleagues. Oh well...

Bringing Sexy Back....

My Disclaimer: Have you read a Jessica Zafra essay? Well, this is one of them. Self-mockery, to my belief, is the best form of flattery. To people who are faint-hearted, easily insulted and lack the sense of humor I need for my audience may very well just stop reading from this period on. Thanks!



I can't sleep. I've been up since 4 in the morning, trying to get some shut-eye. I can't believe that I'm still not asleep... So I'm cuddling with my laptop, wondering what the heck to write about when I chanced upon a sexy picture of Rose Byrne and Brad Pitt from the movie Troy.



I just sort of realized that the media is full of sexy images. And a girl needs to do everything to sort of catch up. I guess this is the reason why Anne Hathaway had to take her clothes off, or why we make such icons out of Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton, both of which had their own homemade videos to sell online.

So, if we look up to these icons, and men worship them, how's a normal everyday 20-something clod to compare? I mean, I am definitely no Paris Hilton, nor am I near Pamela Anderson. I am most definitely not a Selma Blair, a Sienna Miller or Mandy Moore. I am an Alex Borstein in a world of Drew Barrymores and Demi Moores. Am I making any sense? I guess what I'm saying is I'm a fat bloated woman in a world of women who took the 60-day fab-abs challenge and won! Makes you want to rethink fitting into a nice dress for work tonight eh?

The thing is, I never really see myself as someone who should be worried about the way she looks. I am perfectly happy with the way I look. I am surrounded by beautiful, smart and darn right sexy women who sort of experience the same insecurity as I do. Some think that their tummy is bigger than their boobs, some think that their boobs are too small, some think that their thighs are as huge as Meralco posts. Honestly, the list goes on and on and on and on and on... and women tend to be as petty as possible. I remember a friend actually telling me that she'll sell her soul to have abs like one of the models we worked with on a photo shoot. I was an apprentice stylist then, and when I was indeed dressing Miss Patches (people who actually style other people, I think you know what I mean...), she bluntly told me "Pangit ng skin ko noh?! Buti pa yung skin mo, ang puti-puti..."

So what am I about to say... Yeah, somehow, for some oddball reason, when you look at someone else, there's always something of them you wish you had. I want to have Rose Byrne's face. I want to have Demi Moore's figure. I want to have Mandy Moore's eyes. I want to have Hayden Panettiere's skin. I want to be as cool as Avril Lavigne. And of course, when all else fails, I want to have Pamela Anderson's body. So, what am I doing to achieve any of these things? Nothing.

I think there's just an endless plethora of things to work on as a person. I can have my teeth whitened and have a tummy tuck... I can probably go for an overhaul. But you know what, no... I believe that in some weird forsaken tribes in the Amazon, women like me, bring the sexy back to the tribe and I rule... :)

The Wedding

So, get this, while I'm on the subject of marriage, let's talk a bit about weddings. After all, every girl has planned on walking down the aisle with a huge white fluffy gown adorned with all things shining and shimmering.

My Disclaimer - I ain't getting married, you fools! Just wondering what it would be like to plan a wedding. In case you didn't read the last post, I am planning to be unmarried for a very long time.

If I was to get married next year, well, I'm a bit superstitious. I want it to have something to do with the number 8. Call it my mental Escherism coming out, or perhaps, my Mobius strip obsession. Whatever it is, I want to be on August 8, 2008. Exactly 11 days before my 27th birthday. I want it to be a garden or a beach wedding. Either way is just fine, with a nondenominational ceremony. I want only family, close friends and some relatives there. I kind of figured that it's hard to filter who you can invite to these things. Invite a colleague and the whole office goes with them, so it's pretty easy to just invite close friends and zero acquaintances. It's easier and more practical that way. Besides, you don't want people to not remember you and your significant other after the wedding. I want people who will be attending my wedding to feel what I'm feeling, cry when the waterworks start, revel in the food, no matter how weird chicken tastes like if it's prepared kosher, and would literally walk with me down the aisle. I don't want acquaintances criticizing my gown, the bridesmaids' dresses, my groom's muffled whisper of "I do" as he willingly (or unwrttingly) accepts the demise of his young bachelor life. I have my "well-meaning" relatives to do that for me, thank you very much!

I tried an online wedding calendar from Elegala. It said that if I was to get hitched this year at exactly 08-08-08, I need to do this:

Upon Engagement
Talk with your fiance and all parents or family members you choose to involve regarding budget, style, size of event, location, time of year and attendees. Our Personalized Budget can help you decide how to allocate your expenses.
Determine whether or not you would like to hire an event planner to assist in all the research and planning details. (your other option is a partial, or day–of coordinator—which can be hired at a later date).
Start thinking about the overall style and theme of your reception. Browse our Reception planning guide for ideas and advice.
Begin researching and visiting reception sites. Our Local Resources section will help you determine the local facilities that meet your needs.
Set the date and locations; reserve the ceremony site, reception site, and accommodations for out–of–town guests.
Book your hotel room for your wedding night and pre wedding night.
Select your wedding party attendants.
Send your engagement notice to your local newspaper. Be sure to get multiple copies of the newspaper in order to send to grandparents and family members.

By December 15, 2007 or sooner:
Start researching and booking your wedding vendors.
Research these major planning details, determine your style and vision and start creating the perfect event —
   Catering (if not provided by your reception venue)
   Ceremony (if he/she is not already part of your ceremony site)
   Flowers
   Music
   Photography
   Cakes (if not provided by your reception venue or caterer)
   Dresses
   Stationery & Invitations
   Transportation
   Favors & Gifts
Interview and begin booking your vendors. Concentrate on booking major vendors such as the caterer, officiant, florist, musicians photographer and baker first. Visit our Local Resources section for a list of the top wedding vendors in your area.

Between December 15, 2007 and February 6, 2008:
Start shopping for your wedding gown, bridesmaids' dresses and accessories. Visit our Local Resources section for bridal boutiques in your area.
Research the honeymoon. (This is a great task for the groom!)
Create gift registries at your local department stores. Many registries are also available online for those guests purchasing gifts out of town. Visit our Registry section for helpful advice.
Discuss plans for any bridal showers, engagement or bachelorette parties with your close friends and relatives.
Schedule the ceremony rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and departure brunch.
Begin gathering names and addresses and compile your guest list.
Shop for wedding invitations and stationery. Access recommended stationers in our Local Resources section.

Between February 6, 2008 and March 8, 2008
Order your wedding dress
Decide on your bridesmaids dresses and obtain ordering instructions and deadlines from the store or boutique.
Finalize your guest list and send "Save the Date" cards with hotel information to guests. (remember that everyone who receives a save–the–date will be invited to the wedding)
Call your facility coordinator or catering director to schedule the menu tasting.
If preferred, hire an event planner to assist with final details and "day of" procedures. Review our portfolio of your area's top planners in our Local Resources section.

By April 18, 2008
Reserve the honeymoon and book flights. (remember passports if needed)
Book all wedding day transportation. Access your area's best in our Local Resources section.
Choose and book a hair and make–up artist for your wedding day. Visit our Local Resources section for recommendations.
Reserve the groom's and attendants' tuxedos at a local tuxedo shop.
Shop for favors, attendant gifts and items for welcome baskets. Find stores near you in our Local Resources section.
Order invitations.
Schedule the bridesmaids' luncheon.
Order wedding rings.
If preferred, sign up for dance lessons. Find instructors in your area in our Local Resources section.
Purchase any last accessories—stockings, lingerie, etc.
Make appointment for first dress fitting.
If preferred, hire a calligrapher and submit wording information so he/she can begin envelopes. Access calligraphers in your area in our Local Resources section.

By May 29, 2008
Finalize and confirm with your florist all flower arrangements, bouquets, and boutonnieres.
Finalize and confirm special song selections and play lists with ceremony and reception musicians.
Finalize and confirm requested shots and with your photographer.
Plan all ceremonial events with the clergy member, including any music, readings and vows.
Write your wedding vows and any speeches if you wish. Consult our Readings and Speeches section for inspiration.
Shop for honeymoon outfits.
Mail invitations, being sure to use proper postage.
Call your wedding coordinator, catering director, and reception facility manager with an estimated guest count.

By June 8, 2008
Print programs for the ceremony.
Mail rehearsal/rehearsal dinner invitations.
Pick up the wedding rings and double check the fit.
Try out hairstyle and make–up.
Log RSVP's as they come in for meal choices.
Send wedding announcement to local newspaper.
Contact the wedding coordinator about hotel room blocks, confirm reservations for appropriate guests.
Assemble visitor gift baskets to place in the hotel rooms of those traveling from out–of–town. Remember to include directions from the hotel to the ceremony and reception site.
Schedule final dress fitting. Make sure bridesmaids have done the same.
Get name change forms if you plan to change your name.

30 Days Before
Most room blocks will no longer be held after this date. Be sure that all visitors have confirmed their room reservations.
Begin preparing place cards and table cards.
Apply for marriage license. Different states have different policies. You will get a marriage license in the county in which you are married, regardless of where you and your fiance actually live.
Confirm schedule, arrival times and any other arrangements with all vendors. It may be helpful to fax directions, contact numbers and the day's itinerary to all vendors.
Confirm honeymoon reservations: including flights, hotel accommodations, and any rental cars.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with initial meal choices.

10 Days Before
Make final facility rental payment.
Confirm tuxedo arrangements.
Begin packing for honeymoon.
Pick up your dress and break in your shoes.
Confirm rehearsal arrangements with bridal party.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with final guest count estimate.
Schedule time to drop off favors, place cards, seating chart etc.

3 Days Before
Make a check–list of final things to remember.
Drop off favors, place cards, seating chart etc.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with final guest count, entree choices, and clear any outstanding payments.

1 Day Before
Complete packing for honeymoon, prepare to check into your hotel.
Take some time to relax at some point during the day, and think about something besides the wedding.
Drink plenty of fluids—especially in the summer—and avoid sodium.
Attend the rehearsal ceremony and rehearsal dinner.
Get to bed early and get some rest.

Day of the Wedding
Eat a good breakfast with family and friends.
Enjoy any pre–wedding primping.
Put wedding announcements in the mail.
Relax and enjoy your day.

Holy Heck! That's a lot of work! Or as some of my students would say, that is a lot of jobs! Imagine doing all of that in less than a year? The engagement itself sounds pretty tiring as is...

Okay, well, here's how twisted I am. This is my dream wedding. Something that could and might happen 5 years from now. I'm just documenting this so li'l ol' me don't forget it.

The Possible Venues

This is from Fernwood Garden. It's a nice snapshot of their Courtyard Garden at night. Like I mentioned. It's either a garden or a beach. So in case it's a slightly chilly August, I'd like the wedding to be here.



If it was a beach, I want to try something private and wonderful. This seems like a really good place to start. It's a private haven named Tali Beach.



The Possible Floral Arrangements

This is really important, any wedding would be lost without this. I have always loved flowers. For some reason, I never really get any. Oh well. I guess you need to be practical nowadays. This is a combination of magnolias and gardenias. I wanted raindrop rosebushes too, but this is the best I can come up with. It grows throughout the whole year. I want this on my bouquet and other parts of the garden/beach as I get married.



This is also a really cool arrangement. It's magnolias and lilies and lisianthus. It seems pretty expensive though.



The Possible Wedding Cake

Well, I would like it to be chocolate all over, with Marzipan coated all over it. Tiered, so I can keep the first tier of the cake for our first year anniversary. That is the tradition, right? Quite honestly, I don't think this is "possible", I really want my wedding cake in the future to be like this.



The Possible Wedding Dress

Ah... the dress is after all, for the bride, and they say that is her day... so...



Ok, now I'm beat. Wedding is really hard work eh? Oh dear God, thank heavens I'm lazy as a rock.

Unmarried

Yesterday afternoon, I woke up to go to my second job. Yeah, didn't my Blogger profile tell you I was a hyphenate? I am tutoring a blind kid. We mainly talk. It's kind of useless to help him with his subjects unless I can read Braille. I basically prepare for his lessons brushing up on Meteorology, Computer (think of your former subject in High School) and a bit of Science (Yes, the all-powerful Physics for Dummies came to be super useful!).

Anyhow,the blind kid's name is Frank. He's 13 and getting giddy with all the crushes he has in school. It's kind of funny. The first time he told me he had a crush on someone, I, in full faux pas moment, uttered "Huh? How can you see what she looks like?!". He has supposedly fell in love with his 54-year old GMRC (Good Manners and Right Conduct) teacher, which for me spells trouble. Apparently, he falls in love with smells. His teacher must have some weird kick ass perfume to make him fall head over heels because he can't stop talking about her, much to my terror. He gave her a fruit basket the other day, and by God, the old lady's cashing in on her student's blatant admiration.

I just kind of realized that it was wrong. I told Frank. I didn't want to sound like a mother but I kind of scolded him. I was pretty straightforward, saying that it wasn't right. She is as old as your mother, and you are better off finding a girl your age. He just laughed and asked me how old I was, and how old my husband is. I said that I'm not married and I'm twice his age. If he thinks I'm old (Trust me, this kid thinks I'm ancient!), then all the more his teacher, who's like 3 years more than twice my age. I actually told him not to put too much attention to it and start concentrating on other things, like his studies. Then he started asking me questions, like what it's like to have a girlfriend and why are girls so hard to deal with. I started explaining different angles and told him that in time, he will have a relationship with the right girl and understand all these things. I tried redirecting the topic to our lesson, this time, we were talking about English Idioms and how to use them. He kept wanting to go back to the topic. I indulged the young boy and got the shock of my life when he told me "When I marry, all the girl needs to do is to take care of our children. I don't like children but I think I'll be forced to have them."

I gave him the vocabulary word "chauvinistic", and explained why he should never ever say that the only place for a girl is the house and to take care of children. He then mentioned "Is that why you're not married? You don't want to stay at home and have children?".

Quite honestly, I do see myself married, with children. In fact, it is a lifelong dream to have a family of my own. I want to have a husband I can cook for, and can make love to. I want a lover and a partner. I want someone to fight for, and someone who will fight for me.

It's kind of weird because I have to endure tons of reunions with supposedly well-meaning relatives and family friends that ask me why I'm still not married. And now, a 13-year old kid is asking me the same question. Yeesh, lay off me, will you all? I am bound to be married. Maybe it would take a whole lifetime until the time is right, but it will happen, somehow.

So yes, I still remain unmarried. I will be unmarried for a long time from now and it doesn't matter. I know that a piece of paper and a church blessing does not a good partnership make. I've seen marriages go down the drain just because the couple rushed things, and ended with some weird commitment after the feeling's gone. I want something nurtured, something that will stand the test of time and the test of individual differences. I want something that is deep and real, and I'm working on it. So quit asking and just support me.

Infinity

It has always been postulated that the answer to life's questions can be figured out using a mathematical equation. A highly complicated one, if you ask me. It goes beyond triangulation of quadratic equations and breaks even the Mobius Strip. I'm guessing it has all the weird snake signs (What I call the Calculus symbol for integration, the elongated S?) and the function goes beyond negative infinity (yes, people, it exists).

People somehow define infinity as a number, actually, it's a mathematical law that numbers never cease, and that anywhere in this universe, you're bound to deal with numbers. Mauk Escher (MC Escher) even made tons of money trying to depict the concept of infinity. And he uses the Mobius strip to somehow capture the idea that something is never broken, and that it all exists as one whole band that is 3 dimensional and unbreakable.

If life is somehow taken as one whole piece, does that mean that life continues on and on without you knowing it? If the Mobius strip is the model for time and space, then space and time is in fact, or exists in one plane and gets contorted by the planar factors that destroys or nurtures it.

Should this be the truth about time and space, then that means someone can contort it to make it go back in time and/or move forward to the future.

If time could be bent, so can space. Imagine the time it would take for you to reach Uranus from Earth if this was true. No more traveling via in light years, but in a matter of seconds.

If this was true... Anyone can live forever and jump from one time to another. Change the course of history. Alter the future. Manage the past.

Alas, the concept of Infinity is true. But the concept of time and space following it may not be.

We've heard it all before. We always say that life is a vicious cycle. We always refer to our lives as something we have experienced before. We keep holding on to the past. Looking for answers. Hoping to change it to alter the future. We always learn our mistakes at the very end and hope to fix it before it turns into one whole ugly mess.

I'm not perfect. I've done things I'm not very proud of... But I know how to move on. I know how to fix my life and the way I deal with it.

Answers can't be found in the past. It can be found in the person you've become because of the past. Life isn't cyclical anyhow. It's linear. You can't expect to be borne of the same mother after you die. Whether you believe in recycled souls or not, you choose the destiny you have and in this destiny, that's where you need to find the truth. Infinity exists only when you know that it's the same situation with the same person, with no changes and with no external factors. But life isn't a controlled environment, is it?

The future you have is the future you make.