Propinquity

I spent the other day with a guy I haven't seen for two years. His name is Jerome. He used to work with me in GoFluent and is so much younger than I am. It was spontaneous, have coffee and just hang cos he's studying for a client meeting. But of course, along the lines of talking, venting and bitch brewing about working, we had to talk about love, and life and breaking up and other things... 

He taught me the meaning of this word without so much as batting an eyelash. Propinquity. An age-old social science concept that makes me cringe because I hate subjectivity but nevertheless, astounds me. How many people in the world can you actually say you have propinquity with? 

There's just much to ponder. Why is it that people fall for someone whom they have something in common with? At the beginning of the relationship, you always tend to look for something in common, something that bonds you, something that unravels the person in front of you... 

Just yesterday, I spent time with Drei and Yogi. Drei himself being a victim of a long-term relationship break-up. That was propinquity. He loves documentaries, likes the Discovery shows, watches How I Met Your Mother religiously, drinks, smokes, born in August, intellectual, close to his immediate family, loves his friends and has common friends with me - PROPINQUITY. So what makes me not want to jump him? PROPINQUITY. Common friends, common issues, common baggage = more stress. 

The thought alone makes me want to question what the science of attraction is from the get-go. What is it that makes someone so irresistible that he/she/it would be the one? 

What exactly makes you want to fall for someone? And fight for it? 

The other day, the random man that I was in a flirtation (yeah, let's call it that, cos what the hell was it, right?!) with for 2 months has called it quits. He decided to date someone. He wants something serious which I can never (not now, maybe next year?) provide. I can give him all the coffee, ciggies, support, talking and even sexy times he wants but not what he may really want.  I decided to think that it's good for him because he is a good man, a very responsible and honest and wonderful (and oh my God, very sexy - damn!!) man. But my ego can't help but be offended by what happened. I was pretty close. Propinquity was there. Same thing - same baggage (his GF left him), same things we like (coffee and talk), same concerns (we haven't had sex for a while) and well, common fears (being the rebound person, among others). But he chose someone else, I guess someone with a clean slate with no onerous and ominous past. Should I have lied and said I was not in pain? Should I have lied and said I can be his everything? Should I have told him I loved him and made love to him even when I can't and couldn't? What is the basis of my propinquity with this man? If heartaches and break-ups were the only things we had in common (yeah, I think it was...in hindsight), why and how did we get pulled to each other? Was it just for physical reasons? (Yes, yes, in my mind, I am sexy too! PROPINQUITY!!! Damn it!). I think yeah... and along the lines, I misread and chose to ignore subtle signs that could make it work. 

I'm going to admit to only one thing and one thing alone... no matter what people say. I miss him, damned it. Fuck propinquity. 

Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you. 

In an Octopus' Garden

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog. Several things have happened.

Michael Jackson, King of Pop, is dead. I grew up listening to MJ. I was 9 0r 10 when I first saw MJ in his Thriller video, and I was terrified. I then saw so much more from MJ - Bad, Billie Jean and I was enthralled by how he sang and danced. I remember thinking that he looks like Erika Eleniak from Baywatch when he did the Black and White video. I also remember wanting to get tickets for a concert he had here in the Philippines. I also stayed up late to watch his documentary as done by Martin Bashir (who has recanted, what a d-bag!). A lot of people still look up to this dude despite the eccentricity. Oh well, we love the music, we love the icon, and we all love the stories... MJ will be missed - I will miss him.

Perez Hilton has claimed that Will I Am from The Black Eyed Peas has hit him. One gay dude calling a black guy a "fag" hence the retaliation from Will I Am's posse. Tsk tsk... Gays discriminating against their own... what has the world come to?!

Cory Aquino has been bed-ridden for days in the hospital. I just saw some ads about people joining a mass in the Sts Peter and Paul Chapel in Makati with satellite churches all over the Philippines holding a mass for her healing. I remember Kris tearfully (in her colegiala accent) thanking the masses for their support for her "mum". For some reason, because of Kris I guess, I feel very little sympathy for Cory. True, she supposedly changed the history of the Philippines but as of late, she has been like a pendulum, swinging from one side to another in terms of politics. I do hate people suffering, but for some reason I don't feel the urge to light a candle to wish for Cory's health. Maybe if I know for a fact that my future kids don't have to suffer paying hiked up taxes that her family and their cronies enjoy so much of.

Well, on to me...

I am dead tired. SDM hired a Korean guy that isn't technical AT ALL so I have to train him on the basics - even saving files or like shortcust like Ctrl-A or Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V. Ohhhh dear! I am feeling the stress, and the pain and yes, the need to make the Korean dude ready for the floor but OMG! I doubt that he will be.

I am scheduled to go back to school tomorrow. Back to SSHS (yes, HS was a bit of hell for me...) but this time for a really great cause - I am Ela's godmother. I got her a wonderful watch (the one for kids) from Blueberry which is a local brand for watches. I also got her a 100% cotton quilt and bolster. I got her a blue set though. I wanted her to appreciate all colors, I think I never see that kid in any other color but pink. LOL!

I woke up crying earlier. I feel so bad. I can't even begin to tell people about it. I'm so depressed - just ridiculously depressed. I am beyond words - beyond sadness. I wish I had more time to explore my feelings but I really don't. I had to get up and just put on my shirt and jeans to get something from the mall before it closes. I'm so alone. I do feel alone. This is something no one probably wants to think of, but when it comes down to what I do, where I go, I do feel ridiculously alone. I shop alone, cook alone, eat dinner alone, I primarily sit down only with my thoughts. Wish I can just release all these feelings.

I miss being part of a couple. I really miss holding someone's hand and looking into someone's eyes. I miss him.

Maddening World

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly sad. I don't really know why or what for, just have been deeply sad. Like a deep, hollow feeling that I can't shake off. I don't really understand what I am going through, maybe this is what they call "organic depression", I don't really know for sure.

Don't get me wrong, I know how to laugh. Just that, it's kinda hard to pretend that nothing's wrong..

Further

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

So here I am, blogging again. For some weird reason, I have come to be very lazy at updating this blog. Only because I can Twitter to my heart' content. LOL! And it's not like this blog gets read anyhow. Not that it matters too. I might as well remember things that I have to note anyhow.

The American Idol Season Finale
I just watched the finale of American Idol and Kris Allen couldn't deserve it anymore than he does. He has such a wonderful voice and has done an amazing job at preserving who he is throughout the whole competition. He has talent and he does an amazing job at being on stage and performing. He has the makings of a new Daughtry or be the next David Cook - wait, he is the next David Cook! LOL!

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho Videos
Meg's Note: I wish I can provide the video here, but I think that's just really unfair to me and to people who read my blog. I know where to find it and I guess it would just be unfair to even provide a link.
So I have been in and out of my mind about this whole Katrina-Hayden thing. See what staying at home does to a person? I think I watched every damned interview she had and every damned comment he had to say. I am kinda scared now. I mean, I have had a pretty weird life and I have to admit that I am a little scared. I am no celebrity but I must have done something crazy in my life once or twice. What if someone took a video of it and posted it on a site somewhere? I am freaked out -a little. I think that every woman has a right to be protected against being treated like a porn star. Servers for uploading videos should have a fail-safe method of protecting themselves and women against videos that are not done with consent. (As if any woman would want her video being played over and over again for some horny, crazy maniac out there, but you never really know...) Digital signatures can be run for sites that run services for uploading vids like that. Or they can mimic what Facebook has been doing. They can police certain videos that would be caught with nudity or maybe even a check as to how legit the "star" of the video is. Either way, cyberspace laws in the Philippines have been weak. I think someone should start protecting women from this kind of abuse.
I'm not really sympathizing with Katrina, nor I am tolerating Hayden's actions, but I think they're both consenting adults. Even without being told, Katrina should have known that what she was doing could leak to the public. Another point is she knew she was being videotaped when she was dancing. I think it's weird that she didn't know that she was being videotaped when she was banging her head off. So, there's that element of doubt for me as to her actual knowledge of being videotaped while having sex. It's just sad that people got their hands on that video, and I'm guessing these are the wrong people. (Yes, it's me being sarcastic...) I like the fact that she has amazing boobs though. Haha, I gotta pay a visit to Belo sometime!

Viral Gastroenteritis
Yup, I was an unfortunate stay-at-home patient for four straight days this week. I was too weak and too sick to actually do anything at home. I didn't even log in to check my mails. Anyone who needed to get in touvh with me had to do it through phone. And my poor Jeoff had to suffer through my mood swings and my apparent lack of sense.
I was diagnosed with having yeast in my stomach. Ewww, right? What the hell?! Supposedly, your gastric flora consists of everything - from bacteria to a little fungi. Mine was through the roof. This was because I kept taking medications - so everything from vitamins to pain killers could actually mess up one's normal gastrointestinal flora. I guess the soda, the coffee wasn't really helping me. I was out sick for four straight days. By Friday, I was rearing to go to work but being back to work last Friday was pretty darned tiring. Thus, I am at home now instead of being with friends.
I also look forward to the day that my stomach will return to normal and not turn at the sight of food. Well, normal food. I miss being able to eat something with grease - think Double Cheeseburger. And yes, some fries. Oh, what I would give for a good seafood ravioli too.

Pain
I am currently going through something that I think I won't be able to talk about in detail here. It involves my incumbent family (haha!). I hope that things work out well. I feel that by far, I've done my best and I can only wish for a little bit of restitution and a bit of resilience from my end. I feel that all my life, I've tried my very best to fight off people who always tell me that I can't do something. I guess that it's been a constant battle for me. Until the day I die, people will always want me to prove something to them. And it's been a little bit unfair, I would say. I hope that this dies its natural death.
The problem with me is that I tend to care too much. Sometimes, a little too much. I have told Jeoff that everyone else can go to hell but I will keep on doing what I need to do and all that matters is him and myself. I believe that firmly. I hope that someday, people can see through what wall they have created of me and for me. People tend to be cautious with me, and very judgmental. I hope that someday, somehow, I can be accepted for what I am and what I represent, rather than being kept away at an arm's length because of what I am and what I represent. I know this seems fuzzy, but I surely hope that whatever storm I'm feeling, there will be a calmer weather in the future.

Family Traps

Family Portrait - P!nk

I don't even know why the hell I'm blogging about it. I guess I don't really have anywhere else where I can actually say what the hell I feel, so I better just go ahead and state what I need to state.

I'm friggin' tired of being an older sister.

Funny, you say...

Yup, I dunno if anyone has ever treated being part of a family as a job but I am on this job 24/7. I actually want to give up on it. The more I think about it, the more it allows me to rationalize and justify what I am feeling.

I am from a family of very-together parents, and a brother that is not so together in his brain. I actually have the complex of a middle child brought on by the fact that I am the middle kid. Yes folks... I had a elder brother, who died while he was a fetus inside my momma's tummy. I exhibit the classic symptoms of the middle child syndrome...

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.

Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, there fore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however very artistic and creative. If forced to use abilities they will work well, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a writing or journalism career, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

Source: http://www.essortment.com/all/whatismiddlec_rsoe.htm

I have always wondered why the hell I always feel that my parents never really loved me the same way my brother was loved. He gets off scot-free, while I suffer asking for penance for everything I have done, good or bad.

Case in point, last Sunday, the belligerent brat decided to bring his highly pretentious GF to the house for an overnight stay. With Mama being away for the weekend to go back to the province and visit her kin, I was in charge. He threw a fit when I simply asked "You're not sleeping in the same room, are you?". What ensued was a heated exchange of words. Followed by pretentious GF saying calmly "I think I'll just go home...". (Obviously, she wouldn't be caught in the middle of a family drama which she herself caused, let alone be subjected to the darts of fury I have to lash out against her.) He slammed the door shut, almost locking me in the house. Upon trying to pry our ancient metal door open, I kept thinking to myself if I was wrong, if I was too strict... I sent an SMS to my mom, who after 2 hours later confirmed that she did approve of the overnight stay of the pretentious GF in the house, but had assumed that it was for Saturday and not Sunday night. That really got to me.

If I was actually to bring a strange man into my home, into my room, when I was 21... would my mom have gotten

a. a shotgun
b. dinner for the man
c. happy that her daughter will finally get laid

That is a question that will haunt my mind forever.

What happened next was also detrimental to my mental health as Mama got back home and spoke nothing of the incident. Like it was something normal.

Tuesday night, I come home with my belligerent brat of a brother (Yes, I love alliterations!) with his friends on the couch, watching TV and smoking. This was at 2AM... Do I react? Nope. I march straight up to my room. I told my dad the next morning to please tell my friggin' brother that I would really love some quiet time to myself, stress and all from the office. My Mama then tells my brother to lay off the late night couch sessions. My brother then texts me very hurtful messages like "Stay out of my fucking business" and "You're such a bitch...". Maybe I am. I forward the messages to my Mama, thinking she'd castigate the little freak to which she says "Just ignore him..."

Ok...I totally get it. The little repugnant brat was just venting. I want to vent to by calling him names no respectable newspaper would be caught dead printing. But nope, I just have to ignore it. I am trying to but it just cuts right to you. You know, back then, I was thinking, I want to raise my kids the same way my parents raised me but come to think of it... nope.

Sure I never did drugs. I didn't sleep around. I couldn't f*cking kill a bird, let alone another human being, but damn, I couldn't love myself for what I am cos I feel like I am never good enough. I was never given much discipline so I tried to be rigid and disciplined for my sake. I always was honest because I thought that the only way people can be honest with me is if I actually pushed myself to be a good person, good enough to never lie. I became a recluse, fighting for a friggin' chance to be a director, engulfing myself with so much eff*ng work, it ain't funny no more so I can prove to myself that I still got it... Even in my relationship with my fiance, I need to hear that I am loved for me to know that I am loved. I need to be valued and appreciated cos I never felt appreciated. How's that for f*cking twisted?!

Last night, when I got into a cab, I whipped out my phone and started typing the plate number of the cab I was riding. It was 1:30AM... and I just realized, oh right, Jeoff's dad is en route to Toronto... His dad asked me to ALWAYS send him the cab info everytime I go home. (Pretty preposterous, right, since I'm a 27 year-old woman who has always been taking cabs... ) I sent the message to Jeoff instead. He replied, "...you should send it to your folks. " The thing is my folks never asked me to actually text them any kind of information as to where I am. Could it be that for some malignant reason, his dad actually loves me more than my own folks do?

That Franklin Hat

I can't believe that this overpriced hat is going to the Smithsonian! I mean, come on! Was it that big of a deal that she sang something in the Obama Inauguration and for some reason, was wearing a gray wool hat with an amazingly huge bow?

It was a big fashion risk but not really something that should land in the history books. Oh well... Next up, Obama's napkin in the Inaugural Ball...

Sadness

For some reason, I can't quite convince myself to keep still. I'm jumpy, I'm weird and I have a mood swing problem the size of a dilapidated building in 5th avenue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm picking fights with Jeoff when there is no reason to. He insists that we keep pictures of us kissing in private. I deleted a whole album in serious disappointment. I wanted to delete every little picture of us. I seriously wanted to shoot him. Tsk tsk... I kept ranting about what the heck he's hiding and who he's hiding it from. I am in fact overreacting. I am unbelievably angry. I guess I do feel deprived... And I seriously don't want to analyze it.

If you have an answer for me, go ahead and try to explain it to me cos I sure as hell can't figure it out. I love the guy but sometimes, he makes me so angry. And yet I do wanna see him... I am so frigging weird! This hormone thing, so sucks. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl with a PMS issue. It's borne of being away from cola and chocolates for such a long time. And keeping away from carbs! Yeah, it's that, and only that.

What sucks more is that I am always sleep-deprived. I can't get to sleep and I can't sleep well. And not to mention the fact that Nickelodeon only shows the Nick Jr. line in the wee hours of the morning. What kind of a toddler is awake at 3AM? Can someone please tell me?! I am so confused...!

There's more to this than meets the eye I know. It must be the thousands of hours of pure commercial commute.

I am angry... no I'm not, just irritated, vexed and pissed - incredibly miffed. Oh what the heck...!

I guess what I'm saying is I'm depressed. I am getting incredibly lonely. I know I should never admit to being lonely and it sucks because right now, I am admitting to it. I feel alone. My friends are mostly married, one of them isn't but has a boyfriend she'd rather spend time with. Some other friends are incredibly toxic (yes, people...some friends can be considered toxic, you know, people who suck life out of you cos they can't suck the life out of someone else or from a bottle of alcohol). Some of my other friends are hard to contact. I have always liked myself - being alone - being in the center of something special or monumental, but now, for the first time, I find myself incredibly alone.

Jeoff is a million miles away, and no matter what he says, no matter how he claims that he's with me, he's just physically not with me. The loneliness is creepy... it's so dark and morbid. I'm not withdrawn or anything... just incredibly sad. People deal with this - and I dealt with this before. I don't understand what the hell changed between now and then that this has come to be so hard.

Maybe, it was meant to test my character.

As if I haven't been tested enough...

As of this writing, I am sleep-deprived, cigarette-free for hours now and listening to something incredibly gay (Clay Aiken)... Yes, I am being tested.

Girl Meets Reality

A funny clip from Will and Grace reminded me of this song. Grace's husband Leo leaves New York for business. It's pretty amusing because she pops on her video recorder and sings a song for her hubby. Comically speaking, it's one pretty funny idea.

I can't really imagine singing a song on a video. I have done it once. And I sent it to him. I doubt that I'll have enough gumption and courage to actually post it online. Nonetheless, I'm talking about this because he's about to leave again.

Earlier, whilst waiting for a cab, I can't help but be a little misty-eyed. Why does a great day have to end? I know that I have been "hogging" him the whole time, nonetheless, I wish that he will actually stay longer. I sincerely wish that the remaining week of his visit will run incredibly slowly. If I wait for him to come back, it would be 2010.

I know this seems like word vomit, but I am feeling mixed about this. I wish he can stay and I know that he has to go. I know he has to work and take care of his business there and all I wish for is for him to be in my arms. Everyday that he was away, what kept me alive and waiting was the idea that he will be back and will be in my arms again. It seems like everyday is a battle to stay sane from missing him and from so much loneliness. When he left last time, I cried for a whole week. No one knew. I didn't want people to find out that I was that affected. Now, I vowed that I will never cry. I will not cry. I will be stronger and better and will draw from my memory everything that we did together - the trips to the mall, the making-out, the movies we've watched, the food we've shared (guess what, I think we're at that level where we can pick out food from each others' plate), and the laughter that really makes me feel that the intimacy we share is real. Laughing with each other and at each other is incredibly wonderful. I just wish it can go on like this forever.

The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...

Proverbial Fly in the Ointment

There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart
You know how easy it is to tear it apart
If I lend it to you, would you keep it safe for me
I'll lend it to you, will you treat it tenderly
There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart

Love can suck big time. Especially when you're on the losing end of things. I just realized that over a span of a few years, I have been blissfully unaware of things because I choose not to be aware. Holes in people's hearts can vanish with just a little love but love doesn't really cure much. I think time does. But it really depends when the person has enough time to heal.

Once, I was told that we choose the people we let into our lives. There are times we can't let go but we have to. I always thought that I was the one with an incredibly huge issue about letting go. Apparently, everyone has that exact same tick - a troublesome affair that they just can't end, a question in their heads about the future, a gray area that never really warrants an answer but has always been the proverbial fly in the ointment.

Now, I'm still haunted by certain flies in my ointment - questions that get harder to deal with because they have no answers. Or if answered, poses more questions. Or if queried might lead me to a broken heart or a jaded soul. Do I really want to proceed?

If life was a huge flowchart, you'd have the answers. You'll have time to process and analyze certain ideals that could in fact lead you to what you want. Say for instance, all you've ever wanted is a man by your side...




You always have the ideal that if it makes a good story after the love has gone. It's always good if you can write it in a memoir somewhere, someday.

Oh my dear proverbial fly in the ointment... ahh, when will you ever go away? Why can't you leave me alone? I have tried to be good and wonderful but I guess that's not enough. You always have to stick to the ointment...

helter-skelter

Alright, so SDM actually threw me off this entire week. It was one hell of a tumultuous week. I had a very tiring week of training and some more thanks to her idiotic ideas.

She asked me to do a two-week training for our multilingual speakers. It was pretty bad. Supposedly, it was because she wanted me to attend SDI, since it was an in-house training to begin, with Chari at the helm, shouldn't there be a way to change it? The training plan had been four weeks all along, and she wanted someone to compress training... Now she is washing her hands off the incredibly stupid thing of compressing training after she promised me that the TLs will be taking care of the hands-on training of the newbies. She claims that it wasn't her idea to begin with. Argh! Talk about being incredibly two-faced! She even asked for Yong's help to assist in the hands-on training of the new starters I'm handling now. She probably thinks I'm incompetent when she's the one who still doesn't understand what the hell is her role in the company.

She fails to inform her TLs on time. Check out the email below:

From: SDM
Sent: 10 September 2008 19:49
To: Me
Cc: HR Manager; Director
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I have already informed the TLs about this, though as discussed, we can only have JD and Rachelle join your review because of their schedule. JD will be coming in at 2-11pm starting next week until the end of September. Rota has been updated. We can deal with Sheila later on.

Kind regards,

SDM

When I got the email from Rachelle, one of the TLs...

From: Rachelle the TL
Sent: 12 September 2008 14:45
To: Me
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I know we are going to take the IELTS exam but wasn’t aware of the of the training.

For September 15, I have a service review meeting with (bleep) at 2pm, so maybe I’ll be join around 2:30 pm. Depends on how long the call will be, hopefully not much issue so I can join earlier.

Thanks,

Rachelle

So there you are, she claims that she has done something only for me to realize that nothing has been done from her end. Her people aren't my people and I'm thankful that I have no direct reports to worry about. Thanks goodness that the director was copied and I was able to make sure that she can't manipulate me anymore. I keep asking her to document her "directives" from here on forward. That way, I can cover my ass in the future.

She also claims that I'm not professional enough because she thinks that I don't know how to multi-task. The effect of which can be catastrophic if I train more people in more hours than I am supposed to. This seems ridiculous but yes, teaching is a very difficult job. Throw in eager-beavers in class and the dumb blond wannabes with the older but supposedly technical gramps and grams, plus the classic apathetic "rockers" and you've got a misanthrope trainer in the making. Yes, I dedicate the eight working hours to my trainees. As if it matters. Training really was designed that way. She claims that I said something like I'm gonna need clones if the amount of work stands to be the same all the time. Ok, I said that to the HR Manager, who is a friend, and that comment was not addressed towards her.

Argh! Screw her. Mr. Director should kick her out! Bonus though, cos she keeps on messing up, the entire European division of the company we're supporting has started to complain about her. Let's see if she can still save her ass if she gets confronted with all the issues starting to plague the HD.

Helter-skelter... everything's coming down fast... everything's going down fast.

I swear, it's like the director hired Charles Manson as our boss or something. The difference is, Charles Manson still had some form of charisma. She doesn't really have that much charisma... I think everyone in the office has a point against her.

Waiting on the World to Change

Been a while since I updated this blog. Yeah, my long while being exactly 6 days...

Last Saturday, I had a great conversation with IndieTao. It's been a while since we last talked. We had a great time. Well, I had a great time. It's been a while since I've connected to someone completely in sync with who I am or where I am... She's what I consider a really great spiritual connection. Don't ask me why. It just is. I can't really explain it. It's just that people wear a mask every time there's an event or an occurrence. With her, I never have to wear a mask. I never really have to be the strong one. I can be who I am and not worry about getting into a bitch fit. From her, I gather some of my strangest, wildest yet most serene thoughts. And sitting outside of the Film Centre in UP with her made me realize how amazingly huge the world is, and how complicated things can be, and how awkward and odd life has become. Yet it gave me a sense of pride to know that I am dumbing it down one second, one minute at a time... That if I dissect it further, maybe it won't work. And if I sat down and let it take its course, it will be more than its weird amazing self and it will be something worth my while.

I have talked about injustice in this blog more than once. How the universe can conspire against you and how much the world can push you to break into pieces. IndieTao was right. She needs to see that people repent and people change...that love is real...that idealism isn't dead...that people see magic and purpose in life. And that is what I still believe in...

Sometimes, when humanity loses face and you lose sight of what should be, anger fills you. It consumes you until you're hardened and jaded by what is in this world. This world may not be all that it's cut out to be, and romantics will never have a chance. When romance has had its funeral and apathy takes its course, you've let the world win. You've brought yourself to the level of everyone else that had gone before you.

And so I mourn everyone who has stopped to smell the roses, only to be hurt by the treacherous thorns that lie underneath. I cry for those who have fought the battle to remain unscathed by pain but lie awake at night wishing death to those who have scorned them. I wish you have never let the world win over your heart. Because at the end of the day, you know that life was never fair. And the gamble was all yours.

Fight the great fight. You never let the world win over you.

Tagged by Starter Mom

I'm probably not going to tag anyone else, because I don't think anyone else reads my blog. :)

The rule is to list the things that make me happy and things that make me sad... Hmn...

What makes me sad...

• feeling unappreciated or when people don't see the things I do for them
• losing control over things I should have control over
• bad things happening to good people
• great things happening to people who don't deserve great thing happening to them
• realizing that I can be too self-righteous and extremely judgmental
• inability to function correctly when I don't drink coffee
• not being able to spend enough time on a certain task and not being able to do my best on that task
• having to kill time or feeling incredibly idle
• people who drain your energy
  
• dealing with decisions that were predetermined anyhow
  
• being too busy that weekends are necessary for me to rest
• being too tired to spend time with friends and/or family
• the feeling of being alone, even when I know I'm not
• having to really fight for what I know is right
• getting into a fight with anyone
• knowing that my parents are indeed, getting older
• when I'm faced with the fact that I'm incredibly far away from the man whom I love

What makes me happy...

• unwinding and reflecting on the day over a cup of ice-cold coffee
• TV, TV and more TV!
• a huge meal of fried daing na bangus, rice and iced tea - I could live on this for an entire decade, seriously!
• a great book, it could be about anything and everything
• a light-hearted and fun conversation with just about anybody, IE: manong driver when I ride a cab
• a perfect pair of shoes, the heels shouldn't be too high, and they shouldn't be flats - they should be just right...
• a tube of Philosophy's Kiss Me lip gloss
• a wonderful and slightly offbeat song that will be playing in my head for the rest of the day
• the promise of a new tomorrow
• great things happening to people around me
• stories from other people, anecdotes about the day or musings
• random acts of kindness from strangers, friends, family or even from myself
• great Sunday afternoons when I just veg out an watch countless episodes of X Files reruns
• any semblance of manners from people in the MRT
• chivalry
• blogging
• taking pictures of people who matter to me
• memories of great times with people I love
• funny movies
• hour-long baths
• fluffy pillows in silk cases
• watching little children having fun with their parents in parks or in the mall
• an hour-long massage from the nearby massage therapist
• making plans and keeping them
• being appreciated by my colleagues
• the feeling of being valued by my boss
• knowing my parents are in somewhat good shape both physically and financially
• December plans
• Jeoff appreciating me and loving me from afar
• understanding things from his perspective
  
• just merely thinking of him
  

Ink Blot

I feel like I'm this huge sheet of paper with a big black ink blot. It's worthless now.

I broke someone's trust. I did something horrible. I don't know what the hell came over me. I just know that somehow, I didn't mean to... And I only have myself to blame.

For the longest time, I thought I was really good at something, and somehow, I feel so gone and lost. I feel lost at sea, and I'm drifting away so violently. Like being swept away...

How do you forgive yourself?

Maybe if I write something nice on that blank sheet of paper, the huge black ink blot will be less noticeable. And maybe, just maybe, somehow, that sheet of paper will be worth something again.

Good Enough

The question I've longed to ask. Am I good enough to be loved the way I love him? Should it matter what he asks when all I know to say is "yes".

Maybe it's because I know I'll never understand how he captures me. I love him beyond anything. Somehow I know smart women never admit to loving something ultimately - beyond themselves. I've forgone being smart. Love has humbled me and continues to...

But the question remains. When will I be good enough for him?

Wasteland

Who Lyrics

After a long good look at what I have done, I think I did well. 60% of my people got to earn the right to be part of my company. Whew, not bad. Well, I don't think I was doing bad, despite the last post. Seriously... I think I was doing well despite the circumstances.

Now, I'm looking forward to a meeting with The Boss next week. He'll be back from his beloved Budapest and I'm his only ticket to getting those Hungarians to speak better and communicate with customers in a much better way. We'll have to talk about HDI soon as well. Mental note to self: Must be in complete anguish so he increases my salary as I bitch about the lack of tools the organization is giving me.

Yes, yes... I am in some sort of rebellion. I have had it with his knee-jerk reactions. I was hired for a process, not to change it. I ain't raising a finger to push his buttons. Make me a director, and I'll do everything needed. Hmn, sounds threatening enough. In the humor me department, this is something that I should do... Bargain for something greater and something that gives me supreme power over something I can not control.

I simply want the bond to end.

I know, I know, how stupid of me to agree to something I haven't checked out yet. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE everything in this company. I love the people, I've made great friends. Like JD, the sup for the European shift...Yong, their L2 - more like the human lifeline for all things technical... Roy, the reports analyst....Yogi, the lovable fashionista...Rye, the incredulous boy who looks like Nicole Richie...Ela, the process-analyst who looks like a fashion model... and Aileen, aka Boss Ma'am. Lots of names, mostly men. Have I mentioned I work for an IT company? They are mostly men. The last two hires were me and a lady manager whom we will further on call Cuddly (not because she is in real life, but because I can't call her a micromanaging dominatrix without actually feeling guilty about it).

Cuddly has been ratting me out to Pretty Boy, aka The Boss. I would cry about it, except that for some reason, I stopped caring a whole three weeks ago.

Funny, if I care not, why dost thou tryst thy ideals unto the screen, you ask...
Well, surprise surprise... I intend to write memoirs in the future. A male and female boss ganging up on me would completely make for excellent book sales, don't you think? I can embellish the truth and say that they intended to have an orgy with me but I stood my ground and actually said no, hence the pain they cause my head everyday of the work week. Kidding aside, of course, I am but human. I still somewhat carry the all powerful axiom of working-class laborers. You attack my work, you attack my humanity...you attack me.

For some reason, as I awoke earlier this morning, I really wanted to work and I thought about the reason. What drives me to work? Is it cause I get a two-thumbs up from The Boss? What about Cuddly? I don't really get any external validation from any of them. Nor do I get any satisfaction in expelling and chewing up trainees for dinner. I am simply someone who is ferocious enough to stare a lion in the face. Come chow time, I know I just intend to stand really still. Hence the song... I don't really need to fight to prove that I am right. I need to stand still. I just want to stand still.

I know I am never going to fully be immersed in this process. I know I only count to three when it comes to my principles. Give me three headaches and I'm gone. Somehow, I think Merlin is going to stretch my patience. Wait, I think Cuddly and Pretty Boy will be stretching my patience.

Humanity Loses Face Again

I just finished watching History's Secrets, from Nat Geo. It was an episode of Adolf Hitler's supposed disappearance from Berlin when the Red Army invaded and imploded half of Germany to get him to surrender.

It was a jam-packed hour, detailing how Nazi aids and officials have taken the cowards' way out and swallowed vials and vials of cyanide to escape Stalin's retribution. It was even more embarrassing to find out that Hitler, despite all of the destructive orders and pain he brought upon everything he claims to hold dear, Germany, Berlin and Europe, he chooses to die in his own bunker, biting down on a vial of cyanide and shooting himself with his own gun, only to escape Stalin. Back then, criminals' bodies were impaled upon poles to be displayed promptly in front of people to serve as a reminder never to commit the same crimes. Mussolini's remains were hung for the general public to see, including his mistress' remains after being killed by Communists. Adolf Hitler never become something that can be hung, he had his officers char his remains before Stalin could have him.

A few hours ago, I found out that a male friend has still been looking for a doctor to abort his unborn child. That is incredibly painful for me, after we have specifically spoken that he should not abort the baby, nor will I support him. He went to another friend, a woman, who while being married and supposedly smart, thinks that a baby that is just a few months old can be considered a tadpole. She mentioned something like it doesn't matter cos it's just a bunch of cells, and that it would be better instead of having fights in the future. Referencing people who, if possible, would turn back time, just to avoid having children to avoid being miserable.

Her last message burned me. "I know you're into having babies..." and something that resembled that tghe only logical, rational and practical thing to do is to make sure that the bunch of cells would be removed to avoid having a miserable relationship.

I replied. "I'm not into having babies. I'm into doing what's right."

I refused to tell the man what would abort the baby. They can experiment all they want. I will not use that little shred of knowledge I have in curing people to kill an innocent child. I simply refuse to condone what he is doing and the female friend supposedly helping him.

Adolf Hitler was a megalomaniac, and he was able to acquire that power. He used it and destroyed something he claimed to love. It can be juxtaposed with the example of having so much power over your own body. Pro-choice, supposedly. When you exercise power over your own body and destroy someone else's life in the process, does it make it a choice? Or does it make it murder? While intent and fear plays a major part in making that somewhat awkward decision, did anyone ever consider that the baby is real, and already has life? It's not some fucking bunch of bloody cells!

While I have no moral ascendancy on this topic and can not throw the first stone, it pains me to know that humanity, in my eyes, has lost face again.

Day in and out, you hear of people killing other people for something as petty as a few bucks, a bottle of beer, a cellphone, a lottery ticket... Day in and out, you encounter people at the worst days of their lives and yet you try to live a life that is real and pure. Believing in the goodness of people's hearts... Trying so hard to grasp that humanity in its most powerful form is great, noble, altruistic and moral - at least, ethical... Holding on to the hope that somehow, people are virtuous, principled...

I'm quickly losing faith in humanity... but what hurts most, is that people I thought were rightful and would understand me were not the people I thought they were.

Charmed

Picture of me, Myles and Rachel.
Those were the days when we were all friends. Gone were those days that we were friends.
We would often joke that Myles is Prue cos she's the eldest. Somewhat the strictest. She chooses to be very "protective" of the two of us. Rachel is Phoebe. She's the wild one... Would date anyone on impulse. While I am Piper. Has a Leo, who disappears every now and then but exists nonetheless. I am the most conservative one somehow. And I have the power to stop time. Okay...maybe not.

Well the point is, Prue and Phoebe had a little spat. Okay, it was a major spat. Somehow, Phoebe chose to absolutely disregard Prue's advice. Let's just say that when it comes to saving innocents, she kinda sucked at it. Prue was there to help and when Phoebe failed, she blamed Prue and yet Phoebe didn't really do what Prue told her to do.

In fact, Phoebe stayed for two whole hours in Coldstone just so she can tell everyone what a bitch Prue is. Poor Prue had to sit petrified in her workstation so her smoking buddies won't have to deal with a very loud and repetitive Phoebe who made Prue look like a scheming heartless bitch.

Piper was nowhere to be found cos she was busy tending to her bar. Piper wanted to be with them but Piper had to work but chose to stay away cos sisters always find a way back to each other.

The problem is it isn't a TV show. It's not some funny scene where the director yells cut.
I tried to patch them up but I guess the cut is so deep. I can't even get them in a room together. I guess, I better let it go. Although what Rach did was pretty bad. I hope Myles is ok.

Impossibility

I was being idle in the office when I decided to view my old emails.
I read the really really old ones. The ones where I was apologizing to a man I love sweetly and dearly. The ones where he wrote that he needs to be alone to find out who he is.



After he moved back to North York, I remember him calling me one day, when I was busy watching TV show on the Lifestyle Network with my mom, which we do often, although we both can't bake... It was ridiculous because all my senses came to life. It's as if everything I was hiding was awakened. He broke up with me and we kept in touch through email. I sort of started it, because I just "disappeared" from his life. I chose not to update my Friendster and deleted all blogs he might be able to find. I chose to be ungooglable (Read: No link on Google would ever be traced to me). So I sent him an email...saying hi generally. Back then, I was resigned that he would never be with me again. That he was in love with his ex and he would never choose me over her.

Well... 3 years later. Here we are. Sometimes, God gives you a miracle. I know He also can take it away. Now more than ever, I am reminded that people live such short lives. I only wish I can live a full one, being with him. I only wish he won't lose that love.