Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Untitled

Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...

Further

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

So here I am, blogging again. For some weird reason, I have come to be very lazy at updating this blog. Only because I can Twitter to my heart' content. LOL! And it's not like this blog gets read anyhow. Not that it matters too. I might as well remember things that I have to note anyhow.

The American Idol Season Finale
I just watched the finale of American Idol and Kris Allen couldn't deserve it anymore than he does. He has such a wonderful voice and has done an amazing job at preserving who he is throughout the whole competition. He has talent and he does an amazing job at being on stage and performing. He has the makings of a new Daughtry or be the next David Cook - wait, he is the next David Cook! LOL!

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho Videos
Meg's Note: I wish I can provide the video here, but I think that's just really unfair to me and to people who read my blog. I know where to find it and I guess it would just be unfair to even provide a link.
So I have been in and out of my mind about this whole Katrina-Hayden thing. See what staying at home does to a person? I think I watched every damned interview she had and every damned comment he had to say. I am kinda scared now. I mean, I have had a pretty weird life and I have to admit that I am a little scared. I am no celebrity but I must have done something crazy in my life once or twice. What if someone took a video of it and posted it on a site somewhere? I am freaked out -a little. I think that every woman has a right to be protected against being treated like a porn star. Servers for uploading videos should have a fail-safe method of protecting themselves and women against videos that are not done with consent. (As if any woman would want her video being played over and over again for some horny, crazy maniac out there, but you never really know...) Digital signatures can be run for sites that run services for uploading vids like that. Or they can mimic what Facebook has been doing. They can police certain videos that would be caught with nudity or maybe even a check as to how legit the "star" of the video is. Either way, cyberspace laws in the Philippines have been weak. I think someone should start protecting women from this kind of abuse.
I'm not really sympathizing with Katrina, nor I am tolerating Hayden's actions, but I think they're both consenting adults. Even without being told, Katrina should have known that what she was doing could leak to the public. Another point is she knew she was being videotaped when she was dancing. I think it's weird that she didn't know that she was being videotaped when she was banging her head off. So, there's that element of doubt for me as to her actual knowledge of being videotaped while having sex. It's just sad that people got their hands on that video, and I'm guessing these are the wrong people. (Yes, it's me being sarcastic...) I like the fact that she has amazing boobs though. Haha, I gotta pay a visit to Belo sometime!

Viral Gastroenteritis
Yup, I was an unfortunate stay-at-home patient for four straight days this week. I was too weak and too sick to actually do anything at home. I didn't even log in to check my mails. Anyone who needed to get in touvh with me had to do it through phone. And my poor Jeoff had to suffer through my mood swings and my apparent lack of sense.
I was diagnosed with having yeast in my stomach. Ewww, right? What the hell?! Supposedly, your gastric flora consists of everything - from bacteria to a little fungi. Mine was through the roof. This was because I kept taking medications - so everything from vitamins to pain killers could actually mess up one's normal gastrointestinal flora. I guess the soda, the coffee wasn't really helping me. I was out sick for four straight days. By Friday, I was rearing to go to work but being back to work last Friday was pretty darned tiring. Thus, I am at home now instead of being with friends.
I also look forward to the day that my stomach will return to normal and not turn at the sight of food. Well, normal food. I miss being able to eat something with grease - think Double Cheeseburger. And yes, some fries. Oh, what I would give for a good seafood ravioli too.

Pain
I am currently going through something that I think I won't be able to talk about in detail here. It involves my incumbent family (haha!). I hope that things work out well. I feel that by far, I've done my best and I can only wish for a little bit of restitution and a bit of resilience from my end. I feel that all my life, I've tried my very best to fight off people who always tell me that I can't do something. I guess that it's been a constant battle for me. Until the day I die, people will always want me to prove something to them. And it's been a little bit unfair, I would say. I hope that this dies its natural death.
The problem with me is that I tend to care too much. Sometimes, a little too much. I have told Jeoff that everyone else can go to hell but I will keep on doing what I need to do and all that matters is him and myself. I believe that firmly. I hope that someday, people can see through what wall they have created of me and for me. People tend to be cautious with me, and very judgmental. I hope that someday, somehow, I can be accepted for what I am and what I represent, rather than being kept away at an arm's length because of what I am and what I represent. I know this seems fuzzy, but I surely hope that whatever storm I'm feeling, there will be a calmer weather in the future.

Month of March

Hey Now Now - Swirl 360

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog for the past few months. I still can't believe that for some reason, I've been overwhelmed and swamped with work. My weekends are now sacred, thanks to a healthy dose of overtime work being rendered so I can finish all my deliverables.

I am quite exhausted.

For some reason, I think highly of myself when I'm able to finish a lot of the tasks assigned to me. I love stretching myself to the limit primarily because it makes me feel that at the end of the day, I did something miraculous and I was able to erect the Tower of Babel on my own. Currently, I am at a lost because I am THE only training and development coordinator in Merlin with two sites under her belt. I am the only project manager with no team... and I am the lone wolf in the firm belief that training can have a feasibly good return on investment. Yes, I didn't need Six Sigma Training to prove that.

When Brit Boy comes back, I am sure to tell him how horrible it has been without him. I know I could actually lose my job but man, I am pretty sure they've seen how cost-effective I have been. For some reason, I kinda make it effortless, except that, my boss the current VP did this to me...

From: VP
Sent: 20 March 2009 00:34
To: Meg
Subject: FW: Meg's schedule

Here it is…
________________________________________
From: Brit Boy
Sent: 16 March 2009 17:22
To: VP; Boss1
Subject: RE: Meg's schedule

Hi VP,

I think this was a misunderstanding caused because Brenda is on holiday and Viktoria is standing in for her. I don’t think Meg was really needed on Friday as they were just doing the assessment but Viktoria didn’t know this.

We’ll make sure to be strict with trainees on their attendance in future. This had not been raised with me previously. I want to make sure that Meg knows that her work is valued. Things are pretty hectic in Campaign2 and no-one blames Meg for any confusion last week.

Thanks,
Brit Boy

________________________________________
From: VP
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:08 PM
To: Boss 1; Brit Boy
Subject: Meg's schedule

Hi Bosses,

I just want to raise a concern from Meg about her training schedule. She confirmed with me last night that she has no schedule for Campaign2 today so she can handle the newhire training in Campaign1 but since she finished late yesterday she requested to come in at a late schedule.

This afternoon though or around 8am UK time, we received a call from Victoria of Campaign2 looking for Meg as there is a scheduled training which will start in an hour. I advised her that I’ll get in touch with Meg to confirm as she may not be aware of it but Victoria emphasized that there is a training and that’s basically the reason why they’ve asked those employees to come to work that time. She asked for an immediate return call from Meg and if she can do an assessment instead or ask questions from each of them.

I’ve talked to Meg about it and she has raised some concerns. First she wasn’t informed about the training today since the schedule she knows is for her to conduct the training within 3 days and she has completed that for the week. She actually expressed her disappointment on the schedule and was concerned that there might be an impression on her that she’s not doing her job but I told her that I’ll be explaining it to you as well to clarify the situation. Second, if there’s any urgent request for training or changes in schedule, it would help if an email will be sent in advance so she can prepare and ensure that she won’t miss out the schedule. Third, she has also given me feedback that sometimes the attendees are late and not prepared for their meeting despite her advance notice or email reminder, perhaps we can remind the Campaign2 team about it. Let me know as well if I can directly advise SDM of Campaign2 about it. Lastly, if there is an available timeline for Meg's task in Campaign2, would appreciate if we can have it so she can manage her time effectively. I have been getting feedback from other people that Meg is getting tired and burned out so I’d like her to take some time off on those dates that she won’t have training schedules with Campaign2.

Pls. let me know as well if there’s any assistance you need from me or if you have any feedback for Meg, Process Analyst and Bitchy QA so I can discuss it with them.

Many thanks,
VP

Ok, if that doesn't state that I don't know how to handle my time, I don't know what else to make of it. Furthermore, I did raise a concern but I didn't complain! Also, notice how she conveniently left me out of the email trail. Tsk tsk... Such is a manager...

Zen

It has been quite a whirlwind. I have to admit, I love being away from work and from the office. I love the ability to NOT check my inbox just because it's needed. I love the fact that people in the office also respect my need for some time alone and some time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I have come to realize that last year was placed in a pedestal for me. It's been one heck of a beautiful year. Being with my family, my friends, the man of my dreams, my kick-ass job and along the way... making mistakes, learning promptly what I was doing wrong and correcting things, one by one...

I have also been following a little bit of "The Secret". It's this nice school of thought that says you have to phrase things positively in order to push the laws of the universe to work for you.

So here are my positive thoughts for the year:

• I love my family... These are the people I will die for and will kill for. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents and wonderful loved-ones.
• I am a strong and intelligent person. I am capable of doing things that are beyond other people's abilities.
• I am a great trainer, a great people-person and a great employee. I am someone that people relate to and are able to respect and love.
• I am a good person and I will channel my energy to reflect the good in this universe to the people who need it.
• I am someone who doesn't need anyone to fulfill my dreams. I can work on it on my own.
• I am loving and understanding. I deserve someone equally loving and understanding as I am.
• I am forgiving. I will always see things from the other person's point of view before I start pointing fingers.
• I am true and real. I am capable of negotiating within the bounds of my reality instead of manipulating things to my advantage.

This year, my mantra is to be pure and true, with lots of zen moments in between.

I want to rediscover art, and beauty through my eyes. I want to see what else I can bring to the table. I want to challenge myself, and fight for the future more as a ready, willing and able person. I want to consistently perform at par with people whom I care for and people that I respect as individuals.

Twilighted

Alright, I am officially bored. Jeoff will not be hearing from me in a few days, I think he needs a few days to actually miss me. I think I've been suffocating him lately. He doesn't seem too happy with me right now. Oh well...

I'm still amazingly happy that my boss, Matt, aka Mr. Shia LeBeouf, was very happy with my performance. He said I did a bang-up a job. It was great! I had a great appraisal with him. It felt genuine and honestly, I was also pretty thankful that I accepted this job. No matter how horrid it got, I can proudly say that I did my best.

Anyhow, I was reading Starter Mom's entry about this vampire Edward, from Twilight. I watched the movie and failed to read the book. Now I got to go get me that book. I feel so bonded to this vamp, Edward. It seems like it's a sin to love too much nowadays. Courtesy of "House," I felt like I had to let go of some of the affection I feel for the one I love. Thanks to "my love", I also had to lessen the whole romance factor as well because he gets turned off. Okay...well,seems like the undead can be a whole lot more romantic than the live ones...

Twilight Quiz by QuizRocket.com fun quizzes!
You are Alice Cullen. Your ability to foresee danger and misfortune doesn't diminish your bubbly optimism. You are a force to be reckoned with -- anybody with enough sense knows, you never bet against Alice.
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Took that quiz to check which one I am. Seems like I'm the weird one - the one who can see the future with the kickass hairdo in the movie. Well, I like her. I think we're going to be friends. I can totally see it - me as a vampire, as if I'm not pale enough. It's funny how this one movie and the whole book series totally changed the way people see romance. It sucks because it shows you that even someone as cool as Edward can execute lines like "You are my life now..." that just brings tears in your eyes. It almost made me stand up and clap in the theatre.

Sometimes though, you sit by and you let the reality bring you in and draw you to your life. Again, Edward Cullen is amazingly handsome and greatly fierce but he's been 17 for such a long time and well, vampires do have that old world charm. Compared to someone you are with at this life, who is not undead (Ok, double negation...), his anguished soul and tortured feelings of isolation would beg and cry and scream for someone to love.

Ok, enough of this talk. I better just watch some Kill Point and go back to reality.

Patience is a Virtue

It was just announced. The Evil Stepsister from the West aka The Telus Madame has just been recently promoted to General Manager. I wonder what she has been feeding Matt. If I feed the same thing to Matt, will I be the next Training and Development Manager?

Oh well... I shall be a coordinator forever... For the simple reason that I am happy working as a low-life peon in this company. If only they'll release me from the shackles of the bond that they placed upon my head...

I can't wait until my zen moment with Indie!!!

Purport

Paris Hilton supposedly didn't sing this song. For some reason, she seems like she was the one who sang and composed it. Repo co-stars swear by her vocal prowess. Supposedly, she has the voice of a princess. I dunno... seems like a regular Milli Vanilli to me.

I just passed the 6-month mark. I'm now technically a regular employee, by law and by contract... I can summon the Employment Law gods and demand for a higher remuneration scheme and a nicer title. I think I've proven myself as a great trainer.

I actually took this job because of the challenge it gives me. It's harassing being a creative mind in an analytical world. It's even more stressful when your analytical world is being ruled by non-analytical, non-creative people that are very unreliable. Case in point, the female manager who can not decipher Outlook nor can figure out how her service should be run. I am normally a very serene person, I'd like to think, but somehow, it has been a tumultuous 6 months. Yet, I feel that it was a good exercise for my patience and my perseverance. I'm now somewhat more attuned to what people feel. For some reason, men make more sense (though hanging it with gay people would hardly qualify as hanging out with men). In some weird sense, I think I have given this all I can, with all my heart and my soul. I think there will be challenges to come and I will be up for it.

I still feel like such a doormat for accepting the bond, but it feels like I'm trapped and I can't really focus on working on what I'm supposed to be working on. I seem to be okay with it when asked but seriously, I feel like I am starting to hate it. I don't know, call me weird but the idea that I'm committed for two years still feels like a chain on my ankles. Well, what the hell am I complaining about? I was the one who asked for this...

Oh well...

Proverbial Fly in the Ointment

There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart
You know how easy it is to tear it apart
If I lend it to you, would you keep it safe for me
I'll lend it to you, will you treat it tenderly
There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart

Love can suck big time. Especially when you're on the losing end of things. I just realized that over a span of a few years, I have been blissfully unaware of things because I choose not to be aware. Holes in people's hearts can vanish with just a little love but love doesn't really cure much. I think time does. But it really depends when the person has enough time to heal.

Once, I was told that we choose the people we let into our lives. There are times we can't let go but we have to. I always thought that I was the one with an incredibly huge issue about letting go. Apparently, everyone has that exact same tick - a troublesome affair that they just can't end, a question in their heads about the future, a gray area that never really warrants an answer but has always been the proverbial fly in the ointment.

Now, I'm still haunted by certain flies in my ointment - questions that get harder to deal with because they have no answers. Or if answered, poses more questions. Or if queried might lead me to a broken heart or a jaded soul. Do I really want to proceed?

If life was a huge flowchart, you'd have the answers. You'll have time to process and analyze certain ideals that could in fact lead you to what you want. Say for instance, all you've ever wanted is a man by your side...




You always have the ideal that if it makes a good story after the love has gone. It's always good if you can write it in a memoir somewhere, someday.

Oh my dear proverbial fly in the ointment... ahh, when will you ever go away? Why can't you leave me alone? I have tried to be good and wonderful but I guess that's not enough. You always have to stick to the ointment...

helter-skelter

Alright, so SDM actually threw me off this entire week. It was one hell of a tumultuous week. I had a very tiring week of training and some more thanks to her idiotic ideas.

She asked me to do a two-week training for our multilingual speakers. It was pretty bad. Supposedly, it was because she wanted me to attend SDI, since it was an in-house training to begin, with Chari at the helm, shouldn't there be a way to change it? The training plan had been four weeks all along, and she wanted someone to compress training... Now she is washing her hands off the incredibly stupid thing of compressing training after she promised me that the TLs will be taking care of the hands-on training of the newbies. She claims that it wasn't her idea to begin with. Argh! Talk about being incredibly two-faced! She even asked for Yong's help to assist in the hands-on training of the new starters I'm handling now. She probably thinks I'm incompetent when she's the one who still doesn't understand what the hell is her role in the company.

She fails to inform her TLs on time. Check out the email below:

From: SDM
Sent: 10 September 2008 19:49
To: Me
Cc: HR Manager; Director
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I have already informed the TLs about this, though as discussed, we can only have JD and Rachelle join your review because of their schedule. JD will be coming in at 2-11pm starting next week until the end of September. Rota has been updated. We can deal with Sheila later on.

Kind regards,

SDM

When I got the email from Rachelle, one of the TLs...

From: Rachelle the TL
Sent: 12 September 2008 14:45
To: Me
Subject: RE: IELTS Assessment

Hi Meg,

I know we are going to take the IELTS exam but wasn’t aware of the of the training.

For September 15, I have a service review meeting with (bleep) at 2pm, so maybe I’ll be join around 2:30 pm. Depends on how long the call will be, hopefully not much issue so I can join earlier.

Thanks,

Rachelle

So there you are, she claims that she has done something only for me to realize that nothing has been done from her end. Her people aren't my people and I'm thankful that I have no direct reports to worry about. Thanks goodness that the director was copied and I was able to make sure that she can't manipulate me anymore. I keep asking her to document her "directives" from here on forward. That way, I can cover my ass in the future.

She also claims that I'm not professional enough because she thinks that I don't know how to multi-task. The effect of which can be catastrophic if I train more people in more hours than I am supposed to. This seems ridiculous but yes, teaching is a very difficult job. Throw in eager-beavers in class and the dumb blond wannabes with the older but supposedly technical gramps and grams, plus the classic apathetic "rockers" and you've got a misanthrope trainer in the making. Yes, I dedicate the eight working hours to my trainees. As if it matters. Training really was designed that way. She claims that I said something like I'm gonna need clones if the amount of work stands to be the same all the time. Ok, I said that to the HR Manager, who is a friend, and that comment was not addressed towards her.

Argh! Screw her. Mr. Director should kick her out! Bonus though, cos she keeps on messing up, the entire European division of the company we're supporting has started to complain about her. Let's see if she can still save her ass if she gets confronted with all the issues starting to plague the HD.

Helter-skelter... everything's coming down fast... everything's going down fast.

I swear, it's like the director hired Charles Manson as our boss or something. The difference is, Charles Manson still had some form of charisma. She doesn't really have that much charisma... I think everyone in the office has a point against her.

Crystal Ball

If all of life's questions can be answered by a crystal ball...

Design Your Ball

Lava Lamp

Wishing for zen moments...

An SDM I want to kill...
Jeoff not answering his phone...
A three-week new starter training...
A three-day off site SDI course...
Puffy eyes from all the craziness I'm getting...

Get Your Lamp

Unfaithful

What is it about women and excitement and sparks flying in mid-air?

I got a splash of cold water when my friend confessed she was slightly having an affair with a guy she met in on of her business trips. Apparently, the man is well-educated, schooled internationally with a degree to back him up and an amazing connection with her. I was pretty thankful that I got to chat with her over a cup of coffee and smokes.

She understood that it was wrong. And she was begging me to stop it for her.
What was I to do? Shoot the guy? Rough him up? Pay him a million dollars to never see her again? I played the therapist part. I love asking questions about people and what the heck is going on in their minds. So, I stuck with the Meg routine and decided to just ask the really important question.
Why?!
And I got the most proverbial and cliched answer ever...

"No spark..."
Oh well, if you put it that way...
I was thinking that the guy had been irresponsible and horrifying, or maybe he had been an unfaithful slob who'd beat her up... but when he's a bore, well...
That's not really enough reason...

I think that sometimes, women have this tendency to become insatiable and discontented with what they have. They always see movies that remind them of how men can be so amazing and sweep them off their feet. No one tells women that after they've been swept off their feet, they'd have to fight for their love with every breath they take until the day they decide to throw in the towel. Every day is a struggle and a conscious choice to fight for the love you feel. Whether it be an ember lightly lit, a smoldering fireplace hearth or a smoking 3-point alarm fire. Passion fuels the love but you can't run on passion alone.

I think people equate love with lust, with fervent and wanton desire. I think it definitely brings something to the table but is not the essence of finding someone. I gave her an analogy...

Relationships are like newly-painted Faberge eggs. The sparks should be just what's outside - that enamel coating that just makes it look all shiny and cute. But what should be inside - the gemstones, those are worth so much more. It could be anything - your love, your affection, your trust, your commitment... whatever it is, it's good to want the enamel cos it's what somewhat envelopes all those gemstones, but when the whole thing is broken, it's senseless to pick up the enamel. Go for the gemstones.

I'm one to talk eh? I wasn't preachy... I tried to be away from the whole thing. It's just that it's necessary to set her straight. She begged for it. I wasn't gonna let her go until she saw it my way.
She promised me she's talk to him.
Well, we'll see...

The Dilbert Chronicles

Alright, I'm watching Discovery Channel's Most Evil and I can't stop myself from launching into a full blown bitch fit. They have this whole episode on Revenge and Murder. I am not as morbid as to commit cold-blooded murder BUT I have had it up to my neck with this woman and I really can't stop myself from trashing her in my blog.

I was hired as part of a means to continue a principle, and it's primarily of teaching newly-hired people. I remember when I first took this job, I prayed for it so hardly. I am happy and while I am not an expert in what I'm supposed to be doing, I am doing my darnedest best.

She however, hasn't been quite that productive.

She was hired as the manager. She will, soon, be my boss. And for the love of all that is holy and mighty, the boss of everyone. Tonight, after I took a much needed one-day hiatus from work, Miss Priss got a barrage of emails from all the clients' application owners, demanding better service.

Let me give you a brief background of how things work in our office. We're the IT help center for a global company, which means that we have to provide service for everything under the sun - telco, applications, PC software and hardware... you name it, we support it. Even the creation of the accounts for each employee of the said company. She has been with the company for quite some time now. She was even sent to the UK for further training. Coming back from the UK, she should have been ready to "better" the help center. But instead of doing so, she sort of changed the way things were being run. She tried to completely destroy the culture within, instead of assimilating the culture that the company already had. I would have to say, somehow, people were pretty excited about how she would "change" everything for the better. I just knew it was trouble from the very start.

It had been on crazy, reactive idea after another.

What ultimately makes her worthy of a bitch brew (trust me, I am drinking coffee and smoking as I write this blog entry), you ask? Well, let's see... Apart from the fact that she might not be thinking straight because she keeps linking our corporate IT help center to her previous companies which were end-consumer call centers, she keeps on trying to change the entire structure without understanding how it works. Companies on a molecular level are beings on its own. No matter how small it is, it won't exist as a single-celled organism. You need the mitochondria - the powerhouse where RNA and DNA should be housed - this means you need information to be completely ingrained within the system, so it would function as one and that it would be able to act on its own based on the genetic code it was given. I don't know if the analogy is even comprehensible. I just know for a fact that you don't destroy something that actually works. Her RNA and DNA are completely mixed-up and by gawd, she sucks as the mitochondrion.

Case in point, proclaiming that the FTE for a specific queue is too much. That queue has had 100++ tickets since I came on board and sadly, even the most brilliant (supposedly) mind in the UK has had issues in dealing with the tickets in that queue. Open tickets have been rotting there for MONTHS and since she has known exactly when the UK agents will be laid-off, she should have already done something about out German speaker months ago and she should have placed someone else in charge of that queue. Now, we're down to two local analysts who can't do much because they were not trained properly to deal with that number of tickets. Last I checked, the queue has reached over 170++. Imagine all the application owners from Nove Mesto to Marshalltown complaining and almost lunging at her. There was even one very specific email I had the displeasure to see. It was from an IT manager from Austin and it said that they were very tired of hearing that things will be investigated on. Everything about the service has been reactive. I remember once that a certain application called our attention and mentioned that everyone has been mistaken in routing tickets to a certain higher level of support and all she mentioned during that said meeting was "I'll coach the rep...". Number one, they're not called "reps..." cause they ain't selling stuff. Number two, the "rep" didn't really need coaching. According to the procedure as agreed upon in the SLA covering the said division, we are only providing up to a certain level of support. Why did I know that? Uh, because I know how to read... Or I made it a point to read something before I head on to a conference call. And should I not necessarily understand something, I will ask about it. I am not afraid to ask "reps" questions because they know more than I do... I'd rather look like I'm lost than look like I'm stupid.

Wonder idea number two... She wanted me to take the Six Sigma certification course being offered. Supposedly, I can certify the other people in the company. From what I understand, and from what was written in the ad, I can't really do that. Only Six Sigma certified trainers are allowed to do that...

So let me ask you this question... If you were hired just now and you had the option to learn about the service and the people, would you actually teach yourself the ropes or at least ask people who know?

I guess the answer for her is not really.

When the shit hits the fan... I wish no one is there to catch it all. If she makes anyone take the fall, I'll go to the director himself.

And that's why Dilbert's principle is true.

The Sorry Song

For all I am worth, no matter how worthless it all seems...I am sorry. If I only had the power to hit rewind or erase the past, I would. But I can't. This is what happened and I am willing to take responsibility for all that is, and all that will be...

If only I could turn back time...

honest

I went to the laundry house earlier. It does have a clever name - Laundry Matt. Talking with Tito Mateo, the owner and his helper, Ate Ana, it was as funny as hell.

"Tito, magpapalaba po ako ng blanket, magkano na po ba un?" (Uncle - typical Pinoy way of greeting an elderly man, I'm going to ask you to wash some blankets, how much would that be?) I asked.
"Ah okay lang, 55 pesos per kilo yung blanket, comforters namin 75 pesos."(That's okay, 55 pesos per kilo for blankets, 75 pesos for comforters", replied the elderly old man who wanted to be called "Matt".
I placed the huge plastic bag I had with two comforters. The scale read 5.75 or 5 and three-fourths.
Ate Ana was standing behind me, and was looking at the reading. "Ah sakto, 5 and a halves..." she quipped...
"Ate hindi po, 5 and three-fourths po..." I said as quickly as I can.
Tito Mateo, standing over the reading, beamed proudly... "Yan si Michelle, LAGING nagsasabi ng totoo...". (That's Michelle, ALWAYS telling the truth.)

I wanted to die right then and there.

No Air

That song is always stuck in my head... And just in case people can't relate to it, here's the video...

So for some reason, that's what's been happening to me. I've been literally robbed of my air. My airway has been pretty inflamed as of late. And apparently, I have asthma. Great. Of all the fun diseases I can have, I get the best one. I am now allergic to almost anything - dust, smoke, pollen, anything that could trigger it. It literally sucks. It literally sucks because all I want right now is a stick of my Marlboro lights. I sincerely do... :(