Wrapped Up

Myles has been on my ass lately about how Ryan has been choosing to stay out of my life. He seems mad at me for something. Supposedly losing me and his uncle all at the same week. It's pretty freaky how Myles would always say that Ryan has feelings for me when I feel nothing... Sometimes, I just ride along. Although, working with Ryan has been a little difficult after Myles told me... I wish he wasn't. If even half of it is true, I wonder how he feels about me talking about Jeoff all the time... Okay, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't...Myles is just crazy.
But wow, if he is... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it would be like if I had a relationship with him. Would it be the same? Meaning my relationship with Jeoff, would it be the same relationship I'd have. Would I be this in love? Would it be this amazing? Would it be this scary? Would it be this perfect?

The thing about love is I don't think it's a feeling. It's not a question of "what if" and "what should happen". It's a firm and honest decision. It's a decision to be with the one that matters. Lately, because I have been depressed and tired, I entertained the thought of staying away from Jeoff. It's funny cos the moment I chose to sort of "let go" was when I was completely frustrated with myself and not with him. I keep thinking that I was obsessed with him and I should learn how to love him less. I know I had this conversation with Glenna once. She told me that she makes no apologies for loving Work, her husband, and somehow, she knows someday, she might have to have to "let go" a little but she doesn't. She knows it's ok to love and to love fully and completely, with no apologies for doing so...without thinking of the pain that might have to be endured someday, God forbid, he ever leaves.

Now I'm just taking things in perspective. I know I have such a wonderful and amazing man in my life. It's amazing how he brings out the very best of who I am. Somehow, I just feel incomplete...I feel empty. I don't think it's something that Jeoff can fill though. Maybe this is why I keep branching out. I want to complete myself before he has to deal with me. I keep on taking more and more responsibilities in hopes of feeling rewarded and consoled by my work. I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it!

Every night, I lie awake thinking of what I want most in life...and I got this list.
Not a love life, nor another man, cos I already have that.
Not a car. Lord knows parking fees can kill me.
Not my own house cos honestly, I just see it as a place where I can rest.
Not friends, cos although I only have a few, I get so much from them.
Not a new mom and dad, although it won't kill if they were millionaires.
Maybe a family I can call my own. I mean, a kid and my husband... a house with a nice lawn. A routine where I can cook dinner and have to do laundry every weekend. Maybe I'm yearning for that sweet time when I can kiss my husband before he goes to work and I can give him a massage when he gets home. It's ridiculous to want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, but my gawd, I'd give my right arm to be able to do that...
Maybe getting more out of my relationship with Jeoff. I mean he gives me everything I want and sometimes, even more. But well... distance is distance. It wreaks havoc with nerves and fears and sometimes, even temper. It gets depressing when you see people getting flowers on Valentines' Day or kissing in a nice bar or restaurant. Being away from the one that you love is incredibly painful. Because you know that life is just not complete without it. I have been nursing depression for a year now. Doesn't really show, does it?

For some reason, I bet that whoever reads this will think that I am incredibly in love and I am a little crazy. I beg to differ. I know in my heart that should I be left again, I am not going to fall apart. Fall down, yes. Be depressed, HELL, yes. But I'm not obsessed. I am not pathetic. I am not going crazy.

I am just sad. Very, very sad.
And it's something that only people like me can understand.

Questions

Today, I was subjected to a lot of questions.

Mainly from my learners. Poor innocent learners that have no idea why I am leaving the company. I was asked so many questions, offered jobs that I had no idea how to do and also some quite err... indecent proposals? Haha! There comes a time in a woman's life that she would have to choose between an aging German guy who probably walks around with a cane and a slightly naughty upbeat woman who has lesbian tendencies. I chose none. Thanks very much though.

It was nice feeling wanted and appreciated at work.

I tend to be a pragmatist in dealing with loss and/or opportunities. Emotions don't seem to catalyze anything for me. I am always the one making choices, except for when I am feeling maternal. Or broken-hearted. Or both... But talking about emotions, I feel them curdling inside me, wanting to break free.

Why is it that now that everything is set, I feel so scared to touch the ground?

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Maybe it's because all of a sudden, I feel incompetent. I feel powerless. I am suddenly scared that I'll f*ck up and I would have no one else to blame but me.

I am hired to take the driver's seat. I am hired because I can change a company, because I make things happen, because I can train 150 people all at the same time at night and manage working tools and CRM softwares during my lunch hour and make it on time for a 9:30 AM client call. Because I am a micromanaging corporate b*tch and bosses love that. What the hell am I so scared of?

I am scared of all these changes. So terrified of something real that for the first time in my life, I might not know how to handle. Did I mention I was hired to take the driver's seat? That was what the Managing Director said. He said I was supposed to drive. The direction, I probably know. How, I have no idea. I only have my brain to work for me now.

If I was to strategically design a 2-year plan of action for this people using a RACI diagram, I'd be sure to include everyone - the more the merrier? The less of an A I am (that's accountable to you...silly!). If I was to create SWOT Analyses for every project then the weaknesses would always include "lack of time" or " inability by A to provide possible solutions and/or compromises". Every facilitator's guide in that office will contain only two terminal objectives:

1. To be able to learn all concepts
2. To be able to apply said concepts

None of those would be SMART objectives if I were to sum it up in a CSS code showdown among my helpdesk analysts.

I know everything I need to do. What am I so scared about?

I need to get the scaries off my head before I even start f*cking up my newfound career.

Tests

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 58% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||| 34% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||| 18% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 46% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||| 30% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
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Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).
General Note: the validity and reliability of DSM personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community. They are determined by the American Psychiatric Association and will likely be revised in the future.
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (22.8%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (77.2%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?(word pair test)
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Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

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According to Darwinian theory, optimal evolution takes place with random variation and selective retention. The evolution savvy individual will try many different approaches when faced with a problem and select the best of those approaches. Many historical intellectuals have confessed their advantage was simply considering/exploring/trying more approaches than others. The left brain dominant type suffers from limited approaches, narrow-mindedness. The right brain dominant type suffers from too many approaches, scatterbrained. To maintain balanced hemispheres, you need to exercise both variability and selection. Just as a company will have more chance of finding a great candidate by increasing their applicant pool, an individual who considers a wider set of options is more likely to make quality decisions.

What Famous Leader Are You?
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That isn't very cool. LOL!