Still Unhappy

I just got invited to go the Reserve, in Julio Vargas tonight. I turned it down. I decided to stay home cos my life shouldn't be a myriad of parties and endless drunken nights anymore. 

6 months without a love life - yup, he broke up with me, have you been keeping up?! 

5 months without guilt - finally, after a month, I forgave myself for supposedly ruining our relationship. Hey, he chickened out! 

4 months of being 29 years old - almost 30, damned it!!! 

3 months of being a good friend to my teammates at work - I am not the lone wolf anymore! 

2 months of being in a flirtatious thing with someone... girl or guy, I'm not gonna say, hahaha! 

35 days without alcohol - the get tipsy kind. Cos I had Jager last night and a little beer earlier. 

20 days of wondering when the heck my period is gonna come - doc placed me on another medication

10 days since my HPV shot - the price of being promiscuous (according to a good friend), in my case, just needed to cos the company will pay for half of it... 

4 days without excessive coffee 

N raised to the power of X as Y approaches zero days without sex - yeah, I really should have an animalistic bump and grind soon. 

So, am I still unhappy? 

Me last night, with one of my good friends, Cee Pua. 

Me, after work... Sans the make-up 

After chatting with a friend over coffee and cigs

Yogi buying me coffee with an artistic effect via the window... 

I am not unhappy. I'm actually relieved. This has nothing to do with the ex nor does it have anything to do with anything from the past. I'm just ready to live my life. 

On Oct 16th, I saw the worst of me. I hit rock bottom and really fell into a bad depression. No one can actually say that I didn't try, I didn't do my best to fight for the best that we can do. I actually did. I did my part and I can't be blamed anymore. I fought for us and fought for him... no matter what he or his family or his friends think. I saw Joyce, and told her about my dilemma. I cried for hours and believed that there is no one that can lift me up. I realized though that no knight in shining armor would come. I had to be my own messiah, my own savior. I am not going to wait for a man nor am I going to wait for a redemption. I had to be my own best cheerleader, my own ring leader, my own everything and I found myself to be stronger. 

This is the day I reclaimed my life from him and started living again. Jeoff is dead to me, at least the Jeoff I loved. I am dead too, but I remain alive and I try to retain that life. 

Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Wedding Stuff

It's 3:41 am, I just chose not to sleep tonight. I've been trying to visualize what I want in my wedding. I'm still coming up blank. It's funny... Back then, I never really thought he would actually propose and tell my folks.

So, yes... apart from the workload in the office, I also had to worry about the wedding I will be having. I have chosen to forsake all the games I play on Facebook and also this blog. I am just giving myself a breather because I didn't take any work home this weekend. I just chose to sit back, relax and completely veg out.

So here I am checking out wedding websites. I just know for a fact that I want something very simple. It should elegant, but simple. I think something should always dazzle people, like a chocolate fondue for dessert, or a huge cake with molten chocolate inside, no matter how much I don't like chocolate. I think that a nice simple dress would do, with not much trimmings. If I was to sum up what I wanted, I want a no fuss, non-ostentatious and non-flamboyant wedding. I want the money we will save to be for starting our lives together. Oh goodness, I still haven't even decided on a motif. Or a color scheme. I guess I'm still in awe that we're really going to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that we're getting married. I just thought that I would have more people telling me what to do than me deciding. And I didn't realize that I was this analytical. I keep thinking about the motif, and if it reflects both me and him. I was thinking of powder blue and wheat (think Facebook blue and Johnny Bravo blonde) the whole day and if they'd work. But it's great that Jeoff and I talked last night and he showed me this site where we can work with color combinations.

This is what I was considering the whole day...

It seems like a no fuss and very simple and elegant color scheme.

That other one also caught our eye. It represents our favorite pastime - having coffee. But it does seem dark and gloomy. And I'm pretty sure people in the Philippines wouldn't dream of having brown as a wedding motif. I once saw this episode in Married Away where they had a Black and White wedding. It was beautiful. I have always wanted something like that, but since I want to get married in a church, I might as well throw that concept away.

I know I'm just rambling and this hardly seems like a good thread of ideas for now. I am just scared that my wedding, the most important day of my life with husband-to-be, would be a complete disaster if I don't make the right decisions. When I was younger and older friends were fussing about their wedding plans, I would roll my eyes and say "how hard could it be to plan a wedding?". I think this is my major karma. Now, I'm going to be alone and I have to plan it from scratch. I only wish that Jeoff is here. I mean, I know he's a guy and all, and will probably not go through with every nitty gritty stuff with me, but it would help to have that kind of support. Nevertheless, I'll be sure to walk through the details with him. He shouldn't be shocked with a crazy theme wedding. Or should he? Haha!

I think it's my time to rest. My back is frankly killing me. I am just training for work this Monday, which means I have plenty of time to go through some of my thoughts. When I get home from work this Monday, I promise to relax and then go through a bundle of bridal magazines which I will have to purchase tomorrow.

This be it for the tired (and hopefully quickly losing weight) me... I promise to come up with more intellectual musings in the future. Haha!

Loving

It's funny how marriage changes things. It seems to do so in my posse, my click, my circle of friends, if you will.

Irish, my bestfriend, just got married.

I treat her like a sister, like an older, wiser sister though she's not older. It seems like her experience has brought me a guide. I tell her everything - the boyfriend woes, the career challenges, the daily ups and downs of being part of an interracial family - the list goes on.

I love her wedding, I simply do. I couldn't wait until she gets back from Macau to tell me all about her honeymoon, about her great time with her husband. I surely miss her.

It seems like the wedding I saw was straight out of a dream. It felt so amazing to see two people being united in front of the people they love and the people they care for. I can't believe how much I cried during the ceremony. It was so beautiful. It was just plain great. Someday, I hope that I will have the same ceremony - not the flowers or the Tiffany chairs, or the ball gowns or the arch - I just really want to see me sharing my life with the one I love.

We're grown up now. One has a kid, one has a boyfriend that is going to be a consulate, one is in Taiwan, working as a personal trainer, and one just got married. The clique that I had in high school is now all grown up... And I don't really know what I am yet. So I decided to make a list to remind me of who I was and who I have become...

• Corporate Training Coordinator
• daughter to Mom and Pop
  
• sister to my insufferable brother
  
• girlfriend to Jeoff for 3 years and running
• bestfriend to Cym, Irish, Chloe and Mary
• friend to people whom I have worked with in PeopleSupport, HTMT, iTi Consulting and now Merlin
• SDI-Certified Trainer - the only independent trainer in the entire Philippines who can handle an SDI course
• major micromanager
  
• events planner for Merlin
  
• magazine writer for "Moms and Babies" and "Health Today"
  
• erstwhile stylist and make-up artist for magazines
  
• big fan of Blue, my 1-year old "son" who now has a 73.5 GB of memory thanks to his "toys" and is amazingly white and creamy - just the wonderful color I want my laptop to be...
  
• avid reader of all books that I can get my hands on - now reading "Sophie's Choice"
  
• lover of all movies and TV series animated - The Simpsons, The Family Guy, American Dad, Sons of Butchers, Southpark, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, anything by Nickelodeon...
  
• passionate about mysteries and investigator shows on TV - The Kill Point, Burn Notice, CSI, NCIS
• artsy-fartsy teenager back then and now still appreciating art
  
• hater of all things elitist

I have come a long way. I used to be a chubby kid who only wanted out of high school because no one appreciated the way I am. My friends used to be high school girls as well whom enjoy a great McDonald's sundae cone in the middle of the afternoon heat. Time does go by fast, and sets you off for an adventure.

I'm glad we're grown up...

The Wedding

So, get this, while I'm on the subject of marriage, let's talk a bit about weddings. After all, every girl has planned on walking down the aisle with a huge white fluffy gown adorned with all things shining and shimmering.

My Disclaimer - I ain't getting married, you fools! Just wondering what it would be like to plan a wedding. In case you didn't read the last post, I am planning to be unmarried for a very long time.

If I was to get married next year, well, I'm a bit superstitious. I want it to have something to do with the number 8. Call it my mental Escherism coming out, or perhaps, my Mobius strip obsession. Whatever it is, I want to be on August 8, 2008. Exactly 11 days before my 27th birthday. I want it to be a garden or a beach wedding. Either way is just fine, with a nondenominational ceremony. I want only family, close friends and some relatives there. I kind of figured that it's hard to filter who you can invite to these things. Invite a colleague and the whole office goes with them, so it's pretty easy to just invite close friends and zero acquaintances. It's easier and more practical that way. Besides, you don't want people to not remember you and your significant other after the wedding. I want people who will be attending my wedding to feel what I'm feeling, cry when the waterworks start, revel in the food, no matter how weird chicken tastes like if it's prepared kosher, and would literally walk with me down the aisle. I don't want acquaintances criticizing my gown, the bridesmaids' dresses, my groom's muffled whisper of "I do" as he willingly (or unwrttingly) accepts the demise of his young bachelor life. I have my "well-meaning" relatives to do that for me, thank you very much!

I tried an online wedding calendar from Elegala. It said that if I was to get hitched this year at exactly 08-08-08, I need to do this:

Upon Engagement
Talk with your fiance and all parents or family members you choose to involve regarding budget, style, size of event, location, time of year and attendees. Our Personalized Budget can help you decide how to allocate your expenses.
Determine whether or not you would like to hire an event planner to assist in all the research and planning details. (your other option is a partial, or day–of coordinator—which can be hired at a later date).
Start thinking about the overall style and theme of your reception. Browse our Reception planning guide for ideas and advice.
Begin researching and visiting reception sites. Our Local Resources section will help you determine the local facilities that meet your needs.
Set the date and locations; reserve the ceremony site, reception site, and accommodations for out–of–town guests.
Book your hotel room for your wedding night and pre wedding night.
Select your wedding party attendants.
Send your engagement notice to your local newspaper. Be sure to get multiple copies of the newspaper in order to send to grandparents and family members.

By December 15, 2007 or sooner:
Start researching and booking your wedding vendors.
Research these major planning details, determine your style and vision and start creating the perfect event —
   Catering (if not provided by your reception venue)
   Ceremony (if he/she is not already part of your ceremony site)
   Flowers
   Music
   Photography
   Cakes (if not provided by your reception venue or caterer)
   Dresses
   Stationery & Invitations
   Transportation
   Favors & Gifts
Interview and begin booking your vendors. Concentrate on booking major vendors such as the caterer, officiant, florist, musicians photographer and baker first. Visit our Local Resources section for a list of the top wedding vendors in your area.

Between December 15, 2007 and February 6, 2008:
Start shopping for your wedding gown, bridesmaids' dresses and accessories. Visit our Local Resources section for bridal boutiques in your area.
Research the honeymoon. (This is a great task for the groom!)
Create gift registries at your local department stores. Many registries are also available online for those guests purchasing gifts out of town. Visit our Registry section for helpful advice.
Discuss plans for any bridal showers, engagement or bachelorette parties with your close friends and relatives.
Schedule the ceremony rehearsal, rehearsal dinner and departure brunch.
Begin gathering names and addresses and compile your guest list.
Shop for wedding invitations and stationery. Access recommended stationers in our Local Resources section.

Between February 6, 2008 and March 8, 2008
Order your wedding dress
Decide on your bridesmaids dresses and obtain ordering instructions and deadlines from the store or boutique.
Finalize your guest list and send "Save the Date" cards with hotel information to guests. (remember that everyone who receives a save–the–date will be invited to the wedding)
Call your facility coordinator or catering director to schedule the menu tasting.
If preferred, hire an event planner to assist with final details and "day of" procedures. Review our portfolio of your area's top planners in our Local Resources section.

By April 18, 2008
Reserve the honeymoon and book flights. (remember passports if needed)
Book all wedding day transportation. Access your area's best in our Local Resources section.
Choose and book a hair and make–up artist for your wedding day. Visit our Local Resources section for recommendations.
Reserve the groom's and attendants' tuxedos at a local tuxedo shop.
Shop for favors, attendant gifts and items for welcome baskets. Find stores near you in our Local Resources section.
Order invitations.
Schedule the bridesmaids' luncheon.
Order wedding rings.
If preferred, sign up for dance lessons. Find instructors in your area in our Local Resources section.
Purchase any last accessories—stockings, lingerie, etc.
Make appointment for first dress fitting.
If preferred, hire a calligrapher and submit wording information so he/she can begin envelopes. Access calligraphers in your area in our Local Resources section.

By May 29, 2008
Finalize and confirm with your florist all flower arrangements, bouquets, and boutonnieres.
Finalize and confirm special song selections and play lists with ceremony and reception musicians.
Finalize and confirm requested shots and with your photographer.
Plan all ceremonial events with the clergy member, including any music, readings and vows.
Write your wedding vows and any speeches if you wish. Consult our Readings and Speeches section for inspiration.
Shop for honeymoon outfits.
Mail invitations, being sure to use proper postage.
Call your wedding coordinator, catering director, and reception facility manager with an estimated guest count.

By June 8, 2008
Print programs for the ceremony.
Mail rehearsal/rehearsal dinner invitations.
Pick up the wedding rings and double check the fit.
Try out hairstyle and make–up.
Log RSVP's as they come in for meal choices.
Send wedding announcement to local newspaper.
Contact the wedding coordinator about hotel room blocks, confirm reservations for appropriate guests.
Assemble visitor gift baskets to place in the hotel rooms of those traveling from out–of–town. Remember to include directions from the hotel to the ceremony and reception site.
Schedule final dress fitting. Make sure bridesmaids have done the same.
Get name change forms if you plan to change your name.

30 Days Before
Most room blocks will no longer be held after this date. Be sure that all visitors have confirmed their room reservations.
Begin preparing place cards and table cards.
Apply for marriage license. Different states have different policies. You will get a marriage license in the county in which you are married, regardless of where you and your fiance actually live.
Confirm schedule, arrival times and any other arrangements with all vendors. It may be helpful to fax directions, contact numbers and the day's itinerary to all vendors.
Confirm honeymoon reservations: including flights, hotel accommodations, and any rental cars.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with initial meal choices.

10 Days Before
Make final facility rental payment.
Confirm tuxedo arrangements.
Begin packing for honeymoon.
Pick up your dress and break in your shoes.
Confirm rehearsal arrangements with bridal party.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with final guest count estimate.
Schedule time to drop off favors, place cards, seating chart etc.

3 Days Before
Make a check–list of final things to remember.
Drop off favors, place cards, seating chart etc.
Contact wedding coordinator, catering manager, and facility manager with final guest count, entree choices, and clear any outstanding payments.

1 Day Before
Complete packing for honeymoon, prepare to check into your hotel.
Take some time to relax at some point during the day, and think about something besides the wedding.
Drink plenty of fluids—especially in the summer—and avoid sodium.
Attend the rehearsal ceremony and rehearsal dinner.
Get to bed early and get some rest.

Day of the Wedding
Eat a good breakfast with family and friends.
Enjoy any pre–wedding primping.
Put wedding announcements in the mail.
Relax and enjoy your day.

Holy Heck! That's a lot of work! Or as some of my students would say, that is a lot of jobs! Imagine doing all of that in less than a year? The engagement itself sounds pretty tiring as is...

Okay, well, here's how twisted I am. This is my dream wedding. Something that could and might happen 5 years from now. I'm just documenting this so li'l ol' me don't forget it.

The Possible Venues

This is from Fernwood Garden. It's a nice snapshot of their Courtyard Garden at night. Like I mentioned. It's either a garden or a beach. So in case it's a slightly chilly August, I'd like the wedding to be here.



If it was a beach, I want to try something private and wonderful. This seems like a really good place to start. It's a private haven named Tali Beach.



The Possible Floral Arrangements

This is really important, any wedding would be lost without this. I have always loved flowers. For some reason, I never really get any. Oh well. I guess you need to be practical nowadays. This is a combination of magnolias and gardenias. I wanted raindrop rosebushes too, but this is the best I can come up with. It grows throughout the whole year. I want this on my bouquet and other parts of the garden/beach as I get married.



This is also a really cool arrangement. It's magnolias and lilies and lisianthus. It seems pretty expensive though.



The Possible Wedding Cake

Well, I would like it to be chocolate all over, with Marzipan coated all over it. Tiered, so I can keep the first tier of the cake for our first year anniversary. That is the tradition, right? Quite honestly, I don't think this is "possible", I really want my wedding cake in the future to be like this.



The Possible Wedding Dress

Ah... the dress is after all, for the bride, and they say that is her day... so...



Ok, now I'm beat. Wedding is really hard work eh? Oh dear God, thank heavens I'm lazy as a rock.