Against All Types of Odds

Since I'm bound to make a complete idiot of myself on this post, I might as well go all the way. This is a recorded song of what I really feel right now. It's one of those moments where I need to write what I feel. And if you don't agree, I'm sorry, but you've been forewarned. 

There's so much to figure out when you're alone. The idea is that someone is always there, someone will always love you and someone will always be there to protect you. When I recently got sick, I realized that unlike most people, I don't really have a lot going on for me. No classmates pinged me, no teacher was on the phone, figuring out what the heck was happening to me, no officemates or bosses were on the phone wondering if I needed an extra lung and yes, wait for it, no boyfriend was on the phone or at my doorstep wishing I was going to get better. 

Over the past few days I've been in bed, praying to get better, I have had one constant contact and he's someone I used to be in love with. Somehow, somewhere, it sucks cos he's truly the only one that knew me, that really understood the inner machinations of my mind and somewhat took into consideration my happiness.   No one really has tried to do that for me, and I was, still am, grateful. 

It sucks not to have him in my life, but his life has no room for me now. I'm no one to him and he should be no one to me. I should find the next guy in my life and be a good girlfriend to someone else. Maybe in time, that person will know me, will make all types of effort to understand me and be with me. 

"Take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here. You coming back to me is against the odds and it's a chance I have to face..." 

Trash

There are some days when you can't really figure out why the hell won't the universe shut up about your past. It's like things come back to haunt you, fight you and claw its way back to the present. 

Yeah, yeah it's over, nothing happened, you didn't get married, ain't nothing to cry about. It's spilt milk, he's not worth it. I have heard it a million times over. He and I got married virtually over the net. It's a stupid thing, like a game. But I didn't realize it would stay online.

Earlier, Ivan told me that he feels sorry for me cos I seem desperate. I talk to my ex, I'm hoping for a new relationship and he asked me, point blank if I don't think that my ex treated me like trash. 

That really got to me. I don't know if I cried and if I did, it didn't feel like I did... but I know he's coming from a very good place, with the purest of intentions but anguish just came out of nowhere cos I think it's true, but part of me refuses to believe that he never loved me. I loved him and I want to know that somehow, someway, he loved me too. That I wasn't just trash, I wasn't just something to be used. 

I know it's pointless but my heart is broken enough as it is, and I don't know why it's breaking more now. Maybe because my heart says he loved me, but my mind says no. How does one go from a place of contentment to a place of questioning in a matter of minutes. He's gone and it's useless to ponder whether he loved me or not, but it would make a world of difference to know he did. 

Heartless

My friends all believe one thing - they think I'm heartless. I'm tough as nails. People I grew up with all believe that I am a corporate magnate with only one thing in mind - progress. I have to be honest, I am very task-oriented. I am very decisive and if I put my mind to it, I am bound to do it. With or without help from anyone. 

The one thing I have stopped doing since my break-up with Jeoff was to cry publicly. I didn't meet up with anyone to cry about anything. There were two major instances though that prompted me to call someone. I literally broke down over the phone, but because it was a phone conversation, I chose to let it all out, not hold anything back. I think if I saw anyone in person, I would not have been able to really say what I wanted to say. I wouldn't have been able to cry. I wouldn't have been able to do anything except smile and pretend I'm fine. 

It's so easy to wear a mask. Why do you think I wear contact lenses? When no one sees my eyes, no one can figure out what I really feel. They'll feel a little bit of it if I'm quiet or sad or angry, but no one knows how much emotion I really feel. Everyone's life revolves around their own world and I am sick and tired of taking the spotlight away from anyone. It's their turn now. 

A friend and I went to dinner tonight. She had a rebound affair and was very bothered with what her friends enumerated as her faults during the said rebound affair. There is only one thing I know for sure...no one has the right to tell her that it's enough, or that she shouldn't hope or that she made a mistake when it comes to her love life. That's her universe, after all. No one can claim that they know the answers or that they have the final say on what should be done. There's so much to hold on to when it comes to love, so much to hope for and yet, so much to be cynical about. 

The same way no one has the right to tell me that I should date or find someone or just simply "get over it". They didn't feel my pain, they didn't feel my anguish, they didn't toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night to beg God to change my ex' mind. They didn't think of death as the only way to stop and avoid the pain. They didn't have to make peace with each and every contractor I spent time with to plan for my wedding. They didn't see my mother and father's faces when they told me it's alright and that I'll be fine. They didn't see me cry over and over again, everyday from June until September, not sleep, not eat, not care about the way I look, not care about anything anymore. 

So am I as tough as nails when I say there's nothing for me out there? I haven't even begun to date anyone and already, I feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself. Primarily cos I think there are men out there that can be fun, amazing and great but may not be interested in someone like me. 

I have given the best years of my life to someone who chose to leave me, what makes me think someone out there will be able to look past the neuroses and take my hand and say he wants me for a lifetime? I don't have regrets because I was extremely happy with him and I learned so much from the relationship but I sincerely wish sometimes that he had told me that he doesn't think he and I would work out from the beginning. He did, but he continually kept coming back and kept asking me back. I should have known I wasn't the one from the get-go, but I am allowed innocence and ignorance at least once in my life. 

I have seen it happen a thousand times. I have seen people fall in love. I have seen people look into each others' eyes and see a semblance of a future. I don't see it. Why can't I see it for me? Why am I so scared that it won't happen when I used to not care? 

Maybe the answer is I'm not heartless.