life is ok

life is much better now.
no more noises
less fears
i am me again...
do i matter, somehow, i know i do...

thanks for making me feel this way. you know who you are...

i love you

i don't even know what i'm doing

sometimes i wonder if i make sense at all. people fail me. people hurt me. people just don't get it. i am not made of stone!

Orange Julius

Yes, I started liking this drink as early as when I was 10 or 11... and thank God Eastwood suddenly felt that they need a healthier option. I miss drinking orange mango smoothies. And just regular orange makes me ecstatic...

Yeah, funny how this reminds me of someone. I haven't spoken with the person for a long time. Well, a couple of months or so, I haven't been counting.

I seem happier now and I feel more at peace with myself, knowing that someday, I will have someone with me to share my life with. I shudder to think what life would be without knowing how peaceful I can be with certain things.

I was asked a few days ago, how could I let my man just go out with his friends, and not get miffed. Hmn... well, cos I trust him completely. It's not like I can tie him down, or make him stay with me.

I think I'm getting what love really means.

Sometimes, you have to let the little things go so you can focus on the bigger and more important things. Sometimes, the future matters more than the now. Sometimes, the worry can kill you and break your heart. Sometimes, the fear will make you cower and lose yourself.

I started letting go a few days ago. Not being able to talk with him drove me crazy. But hey, I need to make something out of nothing, so I started studying something. What I won't say. It's some geeky technical language that might be important in the future. I think it has been working cos seeing something happen to my hard work is getting to me. I feel better about not being able to see or talk to my hunny.

I am crossing my fingers every day and wishing he would call or talk with me. I know he knows what I am worth and he is not just taking me for granted but well, what can I do? Sometimes, circumstances are beyond you. I need to lounge with people more. Relax, chill... have fun.

So for now, I will enjoy my orange julius - this refreshing drink.. the froth is just delightful, the sourness reminding me of life's weird turns, the sweet froth letting me remember life doesn't end with just a sad and sour note. :)

The Untold Fear

Fear is a defensive, survival advantage, and may have evolved in a variety of organisms. It is usually a response to a particular stimulus. For example, a person may see a spider and experience fear. Fear serves as motivation to escape to safety.
-Wikipedia

If you can go back to the past, would you? If she becomes available again, would you go back to her? I am scared. And I am fearful, because now that she lost her love, she can reclaim yours. And I am not someone who can match that. I am all but a year of your life, where she is the one-the beauty, the pain, the suffering, the happiness that I can never be.

The untold fear is you leaving me. Only to be with her.
The untold fear is you getting gurt again.
The greatest untold fear?
I stopped you from your destiny, and she was your destiny all along.


If I asked you to be mine forever, would you be mine forever?
And if she asked you now to hold her hand through this pain she is feeling, would you?

I only have my silence to cloak me, my heart to guard me and my thoughts to calm me.
Perhaps this is karma - since I have been awful, I need to feel hell and anguish.
Perhaps I did somethng good in my life, so I was lent an anegl in this life.

Please don't leave me.
I am lost without you.

Please don't kiss me goodbye while I kneel and beg you for my one real happiness - you...

The untold fear?
I am not the one.
The unspoken truth?
I am not the future.
The unsaid pain?
I am not enough.
The unwritten rule?
I am just human.
And she is the charmed, holy one.
And she is the beautiful, loved one.
And I am nothing
I am no one
I am no one without you...

My Dream Wedding Gown

Yeah.. nothing to do. Saw a wedding dress. I want this one! :) Haha! By the way, this doesn't mean I'm getting married. Just means that I ain't got nuthing else to do... +

River

Yes, I've cried rivers before... Don't get me wrong, sometimes, they were tears of joy. I don't always cry for sorrow or pain. I have come to the conclusion that somehow, I am always going to cry. For happiness, for pain, for suffering, for temporary peace of mind, for random acts of kindness, for frustration, for irritation, for a lost sense of direction and even for a complete sense of relief... But this ain't about crying. Rivers. It's this weird little phase in your life when you reach rock bottom and you try to climb and you try to reach little goals in your life so you can get to the big one. The phase before the big goal - it is my river.

The highest point of my life has been, to a sense, the lowest point. Believe it or not, the first time I lost everything, was the first time I realized I had everything I needed. I had thought I lost my career, my friends, my health, my sense of direction, my purpose, my money and most importantly, the love of my life. It was about a year ago... I just quit my job, because of things that still seem pretty petty now; I lost my friends, because they were related to the job...And the friends I thought would help me were the exact friends that destroyed me. I thought I was in a condition that can not be remedied at that time, so, I thought that was the end of my "normal life"; I lost all sense of direction, and purpose by not becomeing what I thought I would be... i just took a slightly dead-end consulting job that paid well and could sustain me through losing my money, my job and my condition. The love of my life was hopeless, he was miles away. I couldn't do much about it. He seemed so far away and nothing bonded me to him. Not my assumed condition, not my sense of humor which I was apparently losing as well, not much I would say. Nothing kept me grounded. Nothing kept me solid. I was a raw bundle of nerves and I didn;t know who to turn to.

I turned to the wrong people. I turned to friends who wanted to take advantage of my weakness. I turned to people who seemed interested but was interested in something I could give them, the little knowledge I had, the honesty I could give them, the one-sided friendship, money, companionship, no one really cared about how my heart was bleeding, or how my ego was destroyed. I was pretty tough outside, but on the inside, I was just a little girl. Lost and alone in a foreign place with no one to run to.

I saw my family and my friends pull me through. They have seen me through the worst. They saw me then and they probably know that it was rock bottom.

I don't know if I am out of rock bottom. I know that I'm not depressed. I am a generally happy person, even when I have problems. You're not really given much choice in this life. Either you suck it up or you blow it all off. Once I get to talk with a friend, problems seem smaller. Chasms become small steps. And the daring part? The insurmountable first climb? It becomes less of a challenge.

I lose myself everyday in conversation. I listen to people with their problems. I never judge them. I never ask for anything. Sometimes, when you have nothing to give, a little ressurance that you are there and you can be there is just enough. Sometimes, honestly, that is all I need to. When you hear people achieve more and surpass more than you have, you tend to ask yourself, why not me?

My mom had a long talk. It left me in the river again. So little goals like a pretty good job, a somewhat good saving scheme and slightly losing weight and regaining confidence has helped me. These little goals are to reach a bigger one. Oh well... It seems calm. Everything seems smooth-sailing. Everything seems cool and collected, almost placid. I love the calm. But it could be stormy thereafter.

I hope the river is placid throughout, I really do...

choose me

choose me...

people fall out of love because they choose to...people get scared of the future because of what they choose over things that should be there...people get lost because they never choose the right way.

i can make you happy. i can make you real. i can make everything happen in a few months if i my see that you see my worth, my truth, my beauty.

choose the pleasure, choose the pain

for now...

i promise to make you happy only if you let me

just choose me

cos i don't want to have to choose for both of us someday...

I believe...

I believe that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I believe that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe that you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I believe that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I believe that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I believe that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I believe that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I believe that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you've had.

I believe that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.

I believe that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I believe that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for our grief.

I believe that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe that people who don’t even know you can change your life in a matter of hours.

I believe that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I believe that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I believe that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.