Against All Types of Odds

Since I'm bound to make a complete idiot of myself on this post, I might as well go all the way. This is a recorded song of what I really feel right now. It's one of those moments where I need to write what I feel. And if you don't agree, I'm sorry, but you've been forewarned. 

There's so much to figure out when you're alone. The idea is that someone is always there, someone will always love you and someone will always be there to protect you. When I recently got sick, I realized that unlike most people, I don't really have a lot going on for me. No classmates pinged me, no teacher was on the phone, figuring out what the heck was happening to me, no officemates or bosses were on the phone wondering if I needed an extra lung and yes, wait for it, no boyfriend was on the phone or at my doorstep wishing I was going to get better. 

Over the past few days I've been in bed, praying to get better, I have had one constant contact and he's someone I used to be in love with. Somehow, somewhere, it sucks cos he's truly the only one that knew me, that really understood the inner machinations of my mind and somewhat took into consideration my happiness.   No one really has tried to do that for me, and I was, still am, grateful. 

It sucks not to have him in my life, but his life has no room for me now. I'm no one to him and he should be no one to me. I should find the next guy in my life and be a good girlfriend to someone else. Maybe in time, that person will know me, will make all types of effort to understand me and be with me. 

"Take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here. You coming back to me is against the odds and it's a chance I have to face..." 

The Way He Loves Me

It's pretty baffling how one man can change the way you look at things, how one man can change the perspective you have in this lifetime. I know I probably sound like a schoolgirl gushing about her crush on this guy but dear God, I don't what I ever did in this lifetime to find someone so amazing and so wonderful. He makes me laugh and think and appreciate the things I have in this life. He sits down with me and I am calm in the midst of Makati traffic. I am humbled by this feeling and I can't imagine how and why I ever mistook this for something that won't work. I can feel his love and it radiates all over.

Again, I don't mean to sound incredibly mushy about how I feel. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about it. It's 2:30 in the morning, I just finished a lovely dinner with him some hours ago, and still, I can't stop thinking about how beautiful everything was and still is. And I honestly can't wait until I get to spend some time with him again.

I am not going to lie, I think a little part of me is scared as hell because he will leave for Canada again. I'm scared because I don't how to go back to not seeing him again for another year. I seriously wish I can make him stay or that I can go with him.

Still, it doesn't matter for now. I want to live with what is, not what will be or what was. I love everything and I can't thank God enough for sending me such a wonderful and amazing man. I am blessed to have him.

Tagged by Starter Mom

I'm probably not going to tag anyone else, because I don't think anyone else reads my blog. :)

The rule is to list the things that make me happy and things that make me sad... Hmn...

What makes me sad...

• feeling unappreciated or when people don't see the things I do for them
• losing control over things I should have control over
• bad things happening to good people
• great things happening to people who don't deserve great thing happening to them
• realizing that I can be too self-righteous and extremely judgmental
• inability to function correctly when I don't drink coffee
• not being able to spend enough time on a certain task and not being able to do my best on that task
• having to kill time or feeling incredibly idle
• people who drain your energy
  
• dealing with decisions that were predetermined anyhow
  
• being too busy that weekends are necessary for me to rest
• being too tired to spend time with friends and/or family
• the feeling of being alone, even when I know I'm not
• having to really fight for what I know is right
• getting into a fight with anyone
• knowing that my parents are indeed, getting older
• when I'm faced with the fact that I'm incredibly far away from the man whom I love

What makes me happy...

• unwinding and reflecting on the day over a cup of ice-cold coffee
• TV, TV and more TV!
• a huge meal of fried daing na bangus, rice and iced tea - I could live on this for an entire decade, seriously!
• a great book, it could be about anything and everything
• a light-hearted and fun conversation with just about anybody, IE: manong driver when I ride a cab
• a perfect pair of shoes, the heels shouldn't be too high, and they shouldn't be flats - they should be just right...
• a tube of Philosophy's Kiss Me lip gloss
• a wonderful and slightly offbeat song that will be playing in my head for the rest of the day
• the promise of a new tomorrow
• great things happening to people around me
• stories from other people, anecdotes about the day or musings
• random acts of kindness from strangers, friends, family or even from myself
• great Sunday afternoons when I just veg out an watch countless episodes of X Files reruns
• any semblance of manners from people in the MRT
• chivalry
• blogging
• taking pictures of people who matter to me
• memories of great times with people I love
• funny movies
• hour-long baths
• fluffy pillows in silk cases
• watching little children having fun with their parents in parks or in the mall
• an hour-long massage from the nearby massage therapist
• making plans and keeping them
• being appreciated by my colleagues
• the feeling of being valued by my boss
• knowing my parents are in somewhat good shape both physically and financially
• December plans
• Jeoff appreciating me and loving me from afar
• understanding things from his perspective
  
• just merely thinking of him
  

Blast from the Past

Watched this yesterday. I remember Jeoff and I talking about it a few days before he left for Canada. He was watching it over at his place while I was watching it over at mine. I remember laughing about it over the phone and chuckling at the wallpaper they had in the fall-out shelter and their new house. For some reason, his family and my family had the same wallpaper when we were still living in Taguig.

It was funny how I miss talking about movies and laughing about nothing and everything with him.

When he gets here, I promise to watch movies and create new memories we can talk about over the phone. And well, I'll definitely file for my IPG now... Maybe I should start studying soon.

I was talking with Aileen the other day and she mentioned that she chose not to take her Masters Degree in AIMS because she thought about how expensive it would be for her hubby to shoulder. I keep thinking, women do tend to change their perspective about their careers when they get married. I have always wanted to be a Training Director. Maybe I won't ever get to be one in Merlin. The highest post I can probably obtain is Training Manager but I'll take what I can take. But I know what I want, as I've always known.

Myles once told me that the future is how I make it. I want to make it with the one who holds my heart.

honest

I went to the laundry house earlier. It does have a clever name - Laundry Matt. Talking with Tito Mateo, the owner and his helper, Ate Ana, it was as funny as hell.

"Tito, magpapalaba po ako ng blanket, magkano na po ba un?" (Uncle - typical Pinoy way of greeting an elderly man, I'm going to ask you to wash some blankets, how much would that be?) I asked.
"Ah okay lang, 55 pesos per kilo yung blanket, comforters namin 75 pesos."(That's okay, 55 pesos per kilo for blankets, 75 pesos for comforters", replied the elderly old man who wanted to be called "Matt".
I placed the huge plastic bag I had with two comforters. The scale read 5.75 or 5 and three-fourths.
Ate Ana was standing behind me, and was looking at the reading. "Ah sakto, 5 and a halves..." she quipped...
"Ate hindi po, 5 and three-fourths po..." I said as quickly as I can.
Tito Mateo, standing over the reading, beamed proudly... "Yan si Michelle, LAGING nagsasabi ng totoo...". (That's Michelle, ALWAYS telling the truth.)

I wanted to die right then and there.

Someone to Watch over Me

A classic... No video, just a black and white picture of Ella Fitzgerald and it's something you might hear over a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato. It's almost impossible that I'd be listening to this song on a lazy Sunday morning.

I've been reviewing for my SDI certification and I thought of updating my laptop for some new Vista updates and to check some email from the office and I realized how much I remember the first date I've ever had with Jeoff. He doesn't remember much, but for some reason, I remember most of it. I remember how he smells - how the waiter keeps popping in and out with three plates of Mexican snack - the Quesadilla, the Nachos, the Fajitas...the beer. Everything seemed so wonderful though we were only a few meters away from the office. It was as if time stood still. It's ridiculous how much I remember what we talked about, how we talked about it... The morning after that date that made me send him more than a dozen SMS'.

For some reason, at that moment, I never really thought it would go anywhere, but here we are... Several years after, still clinging on to each other. I'm still smitten with him. He's still smitten with me. I only have God to thank for that. I pray that somehow, he's still going to be with me throughout everything that happens. It's almost miraculous how people hold on when they're in love. I think it's exactly what I learned from Glenna. A little patience goes a long, long, LONG way...

What I told him earlier was everything I have been feeling... It's getting really sad not coming home to someone who thinks you're worth everything. It's getting sadder and sadder not coming home to someone who cares about your day or thinks greatly of you even when you snore and drool comes out of your lips when you sleep.

I have been told once that relationship is not counting the years, but making the years count. I think somehow, I sincerely want to make the years count more.

What I Need

Vulnerability makes you do stupid things.

Song Lyrics

I was hoping for angels to appear out of the heavens when I made a decision earlier. I was hoping for the skies to open up and actually spew out golden stardusts and fine sprinkles of silver and blue and congratulate me for a job well done.

Turns out that the world doesn't stop when you do something good.

I was approached with a weird offer the other day. Something that has to do with me being "beddable". Haha! Funny word. Funny offer. What's even funnier was I was pretty close to doing it. I was extremely close to losing my senses in bed with another man. Why? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm desperate for something to hold. Because I'm a nympho? The answer is none of the above.

It's because I can't always get what I want.

I want words exchanged between me and Jeoff to be dripping with sweetness. I want him to feel an all-consuming need for me. I want the world to stop revolving when I call him. I want the earth to shake and for him to have to catch his breath when he sees me. I want him to feel that exhausting and mind-numbingly brilliant feeling of loving me.

I want to control him.

I told him about my indecent proposal. Sans the name of the guy, not that it matters... I asked him how much he trusts me.

The thing is when I think about it... It all happened so fast... I am still a little girl - the naive girl that never thought of herself as beautiful. All my life, someone else was pretty, someone else was hot... no one ever called me hot, or beautiful... or sexy? Or anything... I was always the smart, witty, funny and analytical girl no one ever asked to go to the prom with. I guess deep inside, I always knew only beauty queens and model-types will ever find true love. And people like me become doctors and lawyers - out to defend the damsels in distress when they finally file for divorce only to be with new knights in shining armors. The people left for us to enjoy would be those scarred by the beauty queens and model-types - slightly unscathed but eternally marked for life.

I talked with Jeoff earlier. I told him about the man. I asked him why he doesn't have that all consuming need for me. I asked him why he can't feel what I'm feeling...

I told him about my disappointment about the heavens not spewing out at least a couple of angels with a golden banner saying "Well Done". He said "The world doesn't stop just because you did something good. But the world stops when you do something bad."

And there it was...

I can't always get what I want.

But I get what I need.

Flirt Me

I just graduated from training today! I am officially a helpdesk analyst! Whoever said that I can't change careers must have been crazy cos I just proved to myself that I am not THAT dumb. I see logic and I can so do this!

Ok, going back home is still such a challenge. It's still a crazy hour's ride to get to the office but OMG, I love this job! When Matt gets back from Budapest, I am so treating him to dinner! Well, okay, I owe him dinner. Haha! Did I mention he's vegan?! I guess all that belief in me wasn't such a waste. I do have talent and I can fix computers and troubleshoot!

Apart from that, what is with today that everybody seems like they're flirting with me? After the assessment, there was one agent who kept on looking at me. The sup, JD, mentioned that he has been staring at me like that since day one. Nice. Men are starting to take notice. It just feels like lately, I'm so losyang. Haha. That's a word. Losyang! Losyang na si Meg.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being boy-crazy. It's just that somehow, I do need external validation that I am pretty and that I am pretty desirable. I go home every night to an empty bed and almost no food. I'm pretty miserable... nothing wrong with believing that men do intend to get into my pants and do intend to make me sorry that I ever spoke with them. While I have no intentions whatsoever of actually sleeping with any of them...I intend to use this newfound power and turn it to something useful, like someone carrying my laptop until I get a cab, or actually waiting for me to get a cab. Hah! I'm such a user!

One little snag though, Jeoff has been pretty unable (or unwilling) to talk with me again. Oh well, he is in FL now, training, but come on! if I sent him a text message and he chooses to ignore it. I sent him an email which he also chose to ignore. I swear, sometimes... Oh well. What can I do?

Anyhow, the excitement of today was pretty great for me. Today I learned and proved to myself and to everyone that I am not obsessed with Jeoff. I am not going through a quarter-life crisis. I am not dumb. AND men still want me. I had a very bruised ego when I started in Merlin. Bad assessments, bad motive, bad KPI matching. Now, I think I'm learning how to fit in. Hopefully, nicely.

Impossibility

I was being idle in the office when I decided to view my old emails.
I read the really really old ones. The ones where I was apologizing to a man I love sweetly and dearly. The ones where he wrote that he needs to be alone to find out who he is.



After he moved back to North York, I remember him calling me one day, when I was busy watching TV show on the Lifestyle Network with my mom, which we do often, although we both can't bake... It was ridiculous because all my senses came to life. It's as if everything I was hiding was awakened. He broke up with me and we kept in touch through email. I sort of started it, because I just "disappeared" from his life. I chose not to update my Friendster and deleted all blogs he might be able to find. I chose to be ungooglable (Read: No link on Google would ever be traced to me). So I sent him an email...saying hi generally. Back then, I was resigned that he would never be with me again. That he was in love with his ex and he would never choose me over her.

Well... 3 years later. Here we are. Sometimes, God gives you a miracle. I know He also can take it away. Now more than ever, I am reminded that people live such short lives. I only wish I can live a full one, being with him. I only wish he won't lose that love.