At the Car Wash

It was a song by Rose Royce from the disco.
It was a fun song. I was watching "Don't Forget the Lyrics" and Wayne Brady was hosting.
It was funny and just plain amazing.

Until I realized how much I miss Jeoff.
I kind of had this inkling that I was going to think about him today... So much for "me time", LOL!

It's nearing dawn.
The leaves are rustling outside. I just poured myself a cup of coffee. The air is crisp outside. I can smell the blooms near my window - they're just potted plants but oh my God, just to feel him beside me would be heaven just right about now.

I love him to bits.

Me Time

Spending my weekend here at home kind of makes me feel slightly alone. I know I am bound to have something to do later. I am pretty sure that Sunday isn't all about Facebook and dozens of Nick cartoons, but while I am at it, let me tell you why I am enjoying my little alone time.

• I woke up at around 9PM. Had a little chat with Leo, a friend from the office. Too bad he's all alone there.
• Took a box of microwavable popcorn, butter flavored. Had a fun time just watching the poppers pop. Melted some butter in the microwave and threw in a dash of hot pepper sauce to the butter. And threw it into the popcorn. OMG! Joygasmic!
• Watched a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants and CatDog while I was munching down on the popcorn. Heaven!
• Took a shower. Used the chocolate/caramel shower gel. I came out of the shower incredibly refreshed. Felt so good after that, I even put on lotion! My skin feels a little better. Re-applied the wrinkle cream on my face and on my "crows' feet". Argh! I'm getting really old. It's around 2am.
• Got myself a good cup of coffee from the brewer. Added a dash of flavoring. Yum! It was vanilla and a little cocoa. Haaay! I drank that and puffed myself a good stick of lights. Absolute heaven!
• I tried a little HBO. Chanced upon Robert Downey Jr. and in this weird flick that looked like it was rotoscoped in CGI. Wow, I was hooked. It was "A Scanner Darkly", loved it! It was mainly a weird sci-fi kind of movie, but I loved how Winona Ryder and Keanu Reeves were in that movie. They seem so great together and the twist was just surprising, y'all should see it!
• It was 4:30am when I finished the movie and I decided to bake the remaining fish from dinner. I couldn't resist! It was bangus (milkfish) with the skin crisped to its perfect form, and the flesh dipped in soy sauce and lime! OMG! I wasn't gonna resist that for the world! Yum!
• I am currently eating that wonderful dish while I'm typing. :) Don't ask me how... LOL!
• I will later pour myself another cup of brew. And smoke a stick...

I am living a good life. :)
Yup and I'm grateful I didn't go anywhere tonight!

Meg Interrupted

The plan...
It was a lifelong plan - to be successful - to go beyond everyone's expectations. The best daughter, sister, classmate, friend, employee and hopefully director anyone's ever seen. '

If I was a machine, I was in my prime.

I still am.

I am 26 years old. I am well-versed in all sorts of BPO's - small scale to large scale industries. I am experienced in negotiations for accounts that need help. I was an implementations personnel for the longest time - implementing accounts and campaigns, designing modules and facilitators' guides, doing TNA's and ROI evaluations, even reviewing eLearning modules. I reviewed employees' performance and based on Excel sheets, I can say who stays or goes. I can command trainers and operations managers and had my brushes with bigwigs of companies. I was pretty powerful.

Now, I am someone who stays on the phones to teach English. How anti-climactic.

I am tried and tested in the rules of the game. I know that to proceed to the next level, I need to show how much I want it. I need to show hunger, drive, passion - the unquenchable need to progress.

Am I really that power hungry?

Actually, now that I have been thinking about it, probably not.

I consider my life to be pretty valuable to be wasted on a position that will probably destroy my hopes of becoming my own person. I don't want to follow someone's footsteps anymore. For me, at this point in my life if I can stay as stress-free as possible and get paid well enough, then that's pretty good for me. I don't need a shiny rectangular name plate on my desk saying "VP for Training". I think I've done good enough for myself here. There isn't much hunger now. There isn't much need for power.

People assume that it's because I'm about to get married and that I am probably throwing in the white towel and not finding a job befitting someone of my stature. Although this is shameless self-promotion, I'm not sorry to say that yes, I am better than where I am now. And yes, I have done better, but now, it seems trivial. I am sorry that I can't make more money but being able to go home as I please? It's pretty priceless. To be bored at wit's end just because of lack of things to do? Also priceless. To be rewarded with an occasional thank you from a student who learned a new word today, priceless!

I'm no housewife. I will not be a housewife. I know I need to grow as a person. But I simply choose not to make work as a lifelong passion. I think all I breathed, ate and slept was work then that now, I'm pretty fed up and I'm just enjoying what I have.

When I was younger, in my junior year in the university, a guy named PiWi Aragon, and he offered the whole class a peep into their past lives. Do you believe in that? I never did because I firmly believed in Karma. Professor Aragon gave me a run for my money when he told me something...

He said that I was an Brit who was given a chance to be in Asia by the British Empire in my past life and in every life I lived, I only chose power, intelligence, authority over true happiness. And that I had a chance to change it. That this life was given for me to fight for true bliss and I wasn't going to roam this earth alone...

I didn't understand what that meant.

My childhood friend Mary always comments on how sad my eyes are. She always says there's something hidden there. Like a sadness I was born with. I didn't understand what that meant. I had no idea because I wasn't sad. I wasn't crying right?

Onwards to college... I always viewed crying as a sign of complete and utter lack of self-control. I didn't see it to be in favor of me or in favor of anything that I stood for.

Emotions were futile, unless it was anger or pain. If you're not in anguish, shut your trap and just suck it up.

Until Siege, a former colleague told me that I always get what I want. Jeoff even mentioned that I was too serious about work. And suddenly, it hit me. Sir PiWi was right. Seems like I was falling into the same thing, following the same steps. Maybe because it all came to me so naturally. I wanted to excel at something, to prove myself, to be the very best at what I did such that no one has the right to point a finger. I had to be the smartest, most loyal and most amazing at what I did. I hated it when people pointed out mistakes so I did it such that I had no mistakes. I was far from perfect, but I knew I was getting there.

I stopped.

Did I find perfect happiness? Not really. I would never be completely happy. I understand that. I don't deny that, nor do I claim that I will never be. But for the first time in my life, I think I know what it feels like to belong to something or someone.

Missed

I feel stranded in a life that isn't mine.

I have been mulling about for weeks. I feel responsible for it. And I feel slighted for feeling this way. I have been slightly irritable, uninterested and very distant from people.

It was evident when I was at work last Friday.

Usually, I am a pretty good conversationalist but it feels like I spent most of my energy giving my lessons and winning clients, instead of actually dealing and conversing with anyone. I bet that most of the people were wondering what the heck was going on in my head.

I have been missing Jeoff, more so than I ever did.

Earlier, we had a pretty long talk. And it was heaven, I feel like floating... I really miss him so much. And I'm not talking about a conversation that talks about the future or the past, I am talking about just simply having a great conversation-about anything and everything under the sun. I really love this man because he quite honestly respects that I have a brain, well enough to figure out what I love talking about, and he also appreciates that there are some ideas I can't grasp. In short, he understands that I can't do it all.

I love the fact that he is opening up more and isn't so dyahe to come to me when there's a problem. I mean, I get the slight rants and the favorites and the different things that happened during the day, a play-by-play of the recent movie he loved and an everyday heartfelt "I love you", but nonetheless, I want to hear what bothers him, what makes him tick, what upsets him.

I got that. That was the best Valentines' day gift.

Don't get me wrong, it's like I told him. I am not here only for the good times, I want to be there for the bad times.

I love him to bits.

And although it's late... happy Valentines' Day, handsome. You are my life.

The Gamer

Saw this on one of my Multiply friend's page. I guess he posted it because of his own issues with gaming.

Well, it can be found on Yahoo. That's sad though. I am probably never going to be a gamer but Jeoff is one. He already told me before we got together... He's never really stopped paying for the bills or spent more than 6 hours on a raid before, so I am not sure if the dude on this story is just plain hooked or stupid...but you never throw 6 years of marriage for gaming. What they could have done though is make sure that the husband has enough time to play and raid.

I remember having to cut some conversations short so Jeoff could raid but never to a point where he would just put the phone down cos he needed to raid so badly. He schedules it so he doesn't lose sleep nor does he lose in touch with his WoW friends. (I call them the WoW friends - people from Winnepeg to Manitoba on his Facebook.) And I think that is very responsible.

The Yearning

Have you ever felt like you'd crazy if you don't see the person you love?

There's this unbelievable sadness inside me. It's tearing at every fiber of my soul. It's an indescribable yearning to be with the one I love. And I don't understand why this much pain is borne of this much love.

I feel my soul stretching far and wide just to be with him.

I have never wanted to be with anyone more than I want and need to be with him.

I have never felt this much yearning before...

Valentines' Word Vomit

What is February 14th but another date? For sure, others would find it significant, important, relevant and very compromising. I find it irritating, with a dash of salt to my already injured existence.

I don't intend to be in anyway, emo about this. Just that lately, I've been craving for a huge load of you guessed it... affection!

I am in a very healthy relationship. I love my man to bits and I know he loves me, but sometimes, he tends to be more straightforward and less affectionate. Here I go with my sweet mushy nothings, intended to make him forget about the long hard day he had... Sadly, he takes it more as an amusement and chooses to lessen the idea of "us" time, thanks to the long hard day.

I totally get it... I totally get that he doesn't get why I crave attention, affection and all the time in the world. I just get really insecure around Valentines' Day. He's currently in New York, with very little time for himself, and I know life is quite hard for him. I have no intentions of making it doubly hard by demanding attention and affection. He deserves all the rest he can get and all the things he needs to get - like some alone time, some time with friends. It's just that sometimes, it makes me feel somewhat neglected. I know he's not neglecting me. I know he's not taking me for granted, because dear God, he's been wonderful. But sometimes, things do not go your way and your feelings tell you something when you know it's not the truth.

Maybe I just need to have a long talk with him to rid myself of the evils of feeling unappreciated. But the thing is, I kinda get it, women and men have completely different needs. To him, if he asks me how my day was, and he listens intently, and get an advice about what to do next, he's home free. I completely appreciate that. I totally do... but I want to dwell on the feelings I feel. I want to talk about the future and our dreams together.... I want him to tell me how much he misses kissing me and embracing me. I want him to say that he'll never want anyone else over and over again. I want him to be okay with me being completely mushy and lovey-dovey.

Don't get me wrong, I don't cry and wail when I don't get what I want. I do get a little irritated with everyone else, which is probably not so good when you live with your brother and his slightly irritable girlfriend and your parents. I completely negate my positive vibes. I guess better that than me fighting with him cos I'd end up caving anyhow.

I am thankful that I'm slightly being mature about it. "SLIGHTLY" being the operative word here... I know that feelings don't necessarily matter to a guy. They choose to be with someone based on love, which is a feeling, but they value the solidity of that commitment to be with you. I don't really know for sure what I value. I know I value him. I value affection. I feel rejected when he fails to mirror what I say, like I tell him that he's the most beautiful man in the world, and he tells me that "you know that I think you're hot"... I mean, he takes it as me having self-esteem issues when all I want is a little TLC. And sometimes, yes, Friendster and Facebook comments - they sweep me off my feet. It's immature, childish and very unbecoming of a woman my age, but I really wish that I'd get an eCard or a public comment with him stating to the whole world that he loves me. Add the "awwww" factor and you always, always get brownie points.

I also know that no two people are alike. Sometimes, you get to love the person that may not necessarily be as romantic as you want them to be. But sometimes, I really wish he would be more romantic. Not the unrealistic Romeo that intends to make you swoon and sigh, but just someone that shows you affection when you most need it.

Maybe it has something to do with the distance. Or the fact that I really am madly in love with him, but seriously, a little love won't go array. Seriously.

I even doubt that this will get read until after Valentines' Day. Ü

Alright, alright... It seems funny how people tend to be, like me, a complete affection nazi. I would have been better off I was craving donuts or a big old gallon of choco chip ice cream. I am probably doing a thousand things wrong in this relationship too ie: being clingy when I feel like he's not being affectionate enough. Well, let me blame my girl hormones for that... The normal things that go through my head when he's not in the mood to throw some affection my way: "Oh no, he's not feeling the love anymore, I gotta show him more love, more affection, I need to spend more time with him..." What's in his head when he's not in the mood: "I'm tired, I need to go to bed early cos I have work tomorrow. I knows she knows I love her..." '
So yeah... for someone who knows that and read thousand of books on how to psychoanalyze him cos he's from Mars and you're from a completely different planet, (damn!) I suck at application. This is why I am never going to be Six Sigma certified... I get the theories. I totally can memorize everything from cover to cover but I totally suck at seeing things from a bigger perspective. I wonder why I totally get Math and all the never ending differentials and the functions but not him completely.

So what would make me happy right about now?

• Affectionate him... someone who tells me that the moon is nowhere as beautiful as me. Cheesy as hell but this is my blog right? Go write your own if you have any issues with that.
• Him with more energy for me. More time to talk with me about anything and everything under the sun. More time to talk about the future, plan with me, dream with me...
• Him having an idea of why I act so clingy sometimes.

Now getting those things won't be in any way easy. I do not think it's even possible. Again, not pointing fingers. I am just acknowledging the fact that things are very different and things are very negotiable.

I still think he's everything. I know he is my life. And this - the whole I need affection deal, does not change what I feel. It's just that if I can get what I want, why not?

Like I said, this is just word vomit... This is me at a certain time at a certain ideal. In dire need of coffee and smokes and great company as I have my daily walk around the province of Eastwood. I probably just need some ice cream. :)

Meandering Meg Musings

If there's anything I don't love, it's being idle...

Oodles and oodles of nonsensical non-productive hours meant for creating something extraordinary...your masterpiece, your canvas of life.

If I was a musician, I'd have tons of compositions now.

I've hit a slump in my professional life. Now I view work as actual work. I don't see nor do I feel extreme fulfillment when my students experience the "A-ha Moment" Oprah is so fond of talking about. Nor do I get to feel anything special as I go through work. Funny because I am not overloaded. I am not even hitting 10 lessons a day.

I can't really say what makes me tick. I know I'm pretty self-motivated. I don't really need anyone to tell me I'm doing a good job because I'm my own worst critic. I am however, concerned with what I've been feeling. I don't even feel like hanging out with people I used to hang with. I just feel like crawling into a rock and not leaving for days...

I am only comforted by the idea of two things:

1. Routine
2. I'll snap out of it syndrome
   

My friends have been on my case for weeks now. They have been pointing out that I've become a home buddy as of late. Hold on, I've always been a homebody. I've never liked the raves, the parties and the crazy and never-ending drinking/binging sessions my friends ask me to put up with. I really just prefer cooking for my friends and just taking some time to make a good pot of coffee and talking. People don't seem to get that.

I haven't watched a good movie as of late. I should so that soon.

My iPod collection is a weird one! I have songs from the 70's, techno music - yes, rave type music that I used to love, love songs - as in the cheesy ones, like the one I'm listening to, ala Olivia Newton John pre-Xanadu, I also have rock songs like Drowning Pool's "Bodies". I've been looking for Ozzy Osbourne's "I Don't Wanna Stop", it's pretty cool. I also wish to get the latest album compilation of Jaya. See? I basically listen to everything!

I could go for a huge cheeseburger right now. I'm thinking of juicy medium-rare fat patties from TGIFriday's with their huge fries and a glass of Coke Light! OMG! Joygasmic!

I am itching to go to the beach. Don't ask why... I have no right to wear a skimpy bikini, nor do I have the ability to breaststroke my way into greatness but dear God, the smell of the ocean would be really good for my soul right now.

The one thing I wanted for my Chinese New Year was a good kikiam. Don't think of the street food. Good kikiam is prepared methodically, using pork intestines as its casing with veggies and ground pork inside. It is actually better steamed. I got that last night. My mom cooked great kikiam for everyone. You can buy one from Maxim's Tea House in Ongpin St. It's the best!

I am totally losing my hair! That new shampoo I'm trying might be making my hair weaker than it's supposed to be. It smells wonderful though...

I am really good at cutting back on my smoking now though. I am smoking less and less and craving it less and less. There was even one time that I didn't smoke for an entire day. Well, it was a weekend, but hey, that still totally counts!

I have been doing some random exercises. I just set my iPod to Beyonce, Shakira or the Pussycat Dolls and it's an instant work-out. Or I can just opt to commute to work. THAT is an instant work-out!

Jeoffrey

What Jeoffrey Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you. You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries. You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings. You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun. Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Blogthings Addiction

I'm not so blonde after all!

You Are Blonde Highlights

Men see you as flexible and versatile - you fit in to every situation You've got the inner glow of a blonde, the intensity of a redhead... And the wisdom of a brunette.

How Blonde Are You?

I'm totally orange!

You Are an Orange

You have a zest for life, especially for anything colorful, wild, or dramatic. You have a unique take on the world, and you're not afraid to be a little funky. You are a bit reserved toward people who don't know you well. You have a thick skin, which can protect you from anything that goes wrong in your life. Once someone does get to know you, they totally get and appreciate you. Your friends see you as a bright person with a refreshing take on life.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Michelle

What Michelle Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I'm real...

You Are 78% Real

You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself. Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great... But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults. As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.

How Real Are You?

I told everyone I'm absolutely femme!

You Inner Gender is Female

You're sensitive, caring, and willing to connect with anyone who's open to you. You make friends easily, and you enjoy all sorts of conversations. You understand most people you meet - better than they understand themselves. You're totally a woman... or at the very least, your soul is female.

What's Your Inner Gender?

Affectionate Meg

Your Love is Based on Affection

Your need for love is very primal and basic. You can't imagine living without love. And for you, love is something that's best expressed through touch. You're always up for a hug or a cuddle. And you feel a bit rejected when you don't get enough affection. Whether you're sharing a blanket or sharing an order of fries, you thrive when you're close to the person you love. Why your love can last: You express your love freely and frequently Why your love can fail: You can come off as clingy, and this freaks people out

What Is Your Love Based On?

Hey!!!

You Are Low Maintenance

Otherwise known as "too good to be true" You're one laid back chica - and men love that! Just remember that no good guy likes a doormat. So if you find your self going along to get along... Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.

Are You A High Maintenance Woman?

Where are you from? I'm from Neptune!

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

Death by Sleeping

It was mentioned in Don Quixote, when a tavern wench sat upon Sancho's bed. Sancho's chest felt heavy and he thought he was laboring under the nightmare.

Filipinos call it "bangungot", an unpleasant night terror, where there is sleep paralysis and an emotional or traumatic sleep hallucination or a dream.

I had the unfortunate experience of going through that just now. Sad, but true... I woke up still thinking that everything is true. I woke up with bruises in my sides and a scratch on my leg. That's probably from all the twisting and the turning but the dream was so real, I really felt helpless. I remember crying in the dream...tears that were also real when I awoke. When I did finally come to, I bashed my arm against my nightstand, and my phone dropped to my stomach.. I quickly dialed the number of the person I dreamed about... and there was an answer. Thank God...

It was freaky and a tad bit painful. My stomach still hurts, maybe from the phone falling on me, or the twisting and the turning. It's near my appendix, I'm pretty sure. I haven't slept since I woke up... but I just realized, I've been asleep for 12 or 13 hours... Now, I'm not sure if I could sleep again.

PS: I'm sorry I will delete all future comments for this post. Please don't reply. The person involved is safe... In my dream, I traded my life for the life of the person involved. If that dream was true... then I gave it all up for the life of someone else... It would have been worth it...