Trash

There are some days when you can't really figure out why the hell won't the universe shut up about your past. It's like things come back to haunt you, fight you and claw its way back to the present. 

Yeah, yeah it's over, nothing happened, you didn't get married, ain't nothing to cry about. It's spilt milk, he's not worth it. I have heard it a million times over. He and I got married virtually over the net. It's a stupid thing, like a game. But I didn't realize it would stay online.

Earlier, Ivan told me that he feels sorry for me cos I seem desperate. I talk to my ex, I'm hoping for a new relationship and he asked me, point blank if I don't think that my ex treated me like trash. 

That really got to me. I don't know if I cried and if I did, it didn't feel like I did... but I know he's coming from a very good place, with the purest of intentions but anguish just came out of nowhere cos I think it's true, but part of me refuses to believe that he never loved me. I loved him and I want to know that somehow, someway, he loved me too. That I wasn't just trash, I wasn't just something to be used. 

I know it's pointless but my heart is broken enough as it is, and I don't know why it's breaking more now. Maybe because my heart says he loved me, but my mind says no. How does one go from a place of contentment to a place of questioning in a matter of minutes. He's gone and it's useless to ponder whether he loved me or not, but it would make a world of difference to know he did. 

Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you. 

Could Have Been's

I haven't blogged for some time. I mean, it's been one serious event after another. All the drinking and booze-y nights I've had with team mates and friends and even family has made the transition to singlehood easy yet painstaking. I don't really like alcohol cos it has this superbly disturbing effect on me. I tend to be more awake than sleepy when I drink. Lolz. I know, I know, I'm just one of those people that don't digest it as nicely as other people do. But my limit has gone up. I can now drink 7 bottles of light beer without passing out. Hahaha!

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It's not like I have fans or anything but every time my mom and/or dad decides to give me something silly, like a tub of ice cream or  either one allows me not to get out of bed for one whole day, it makes me feel like I've let them down. They seem so comfortable in knowing that I'm depressed, that I'm in a rut, that I'm lovelorn and hopeless... Hahaha! No one has given me the fuck it, get out of your freakin' bed and stop eating that ice cream speech. Well, my friends are all really busy. My best friend, Cymmie just gave birth. Jack and Chloe are moving to Australia. Irish is busy with church. Winch is going through his own depression. Aileen and Arnel are getting ready for their baby. Yogi is well, himself... I guess I am starting to think that my depression is only mine. No one is going to sit down with me and tell me to move on or yell at me or say things like "you can do it, Meg, you're great...". It's all mine. But it doesn't help that some people did believe that I will get married, that he and I will be the exception - that long distance relationships all falter and die.

So to people who don't know... I just ended a 4-year relationship with a man whose name will never be mentioned. He took my heart and broke it into pieces, not that it's entirely his fault. I have to say that I had a hand, well, I had a huge hand in it. I didn't cheat or anything, but it was grave and I insulted his family, I made such a huge issue of certain things following his mother's comments about me and my family over the phone. I don't know, somehow, people gave me their theories about what happened. They keep telling me that he has another woman, that he's gay, that he has no balls, that he just lacked the drive, that he's afraid of commitment but my favorite is that he fell out of love, cos I think that is the most possible one. He woke up one day and he chose not to love me anymore. Nothing to it, it happens. It makes sense. It fits. Everything that mattered one day didn't matter anymore. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to make him happy, I was not worth the fight, I wasn't the one. I just wish he didn't waste my time. Hahaha... I could have slept around in my twenties. Now, I'm a 30-year old washed-up hasbeen and the only guys that want to sleep with me are those that I rejected in my early twenties. Hahaha. Okay,so I write this with all the dripping sarcasm and disdain of a scorned woman but I know myself well enough to know that somehow, I wouldn't have slept with any of them even then. Well, who am I kidding? Even now. Hahaha! 

So, over the weekend, I keep hearing this damned song. Via Videoke, the television, Youtube, I mean God knows, it was all over the place and I just thought, you know what, indulge... What could have been? I could have been a wife, a mother, a lover, a sweet addition to a family. I could have been the one... I could have made him breakfast every day, wearing my robe after a wonderful sleep, making pancakes and brewing coffee. I could have made Coddled Eggs with Jerusalem Artichokes for breakfast, or even Eggs Benedict, maybe some bacon on the side. I'd then get ready for work... shower with him, maybe to save water. Then have a quick make-up routine while he dresses up in his shirt and slacks. I'd put on my slacks and soccer-mom sweater set. We'd call each other for lunch cos he'd be working on one side of the Toronto area and I'd probably be somewhere in the middle so I can pick up groceries and pay for the bills after work. Somewhere near the post office, so we don't get late payment fees on the mortgage and my car payments. I'd be home before him, cooking some minestrone I learned from Giada or Nigella the other day. I'd have some store-bought cornbread so we can have a hearty meal. When he comes home, I'd be fresh off the shower, his slippers would be on the couch and I'd have done some light laundry. He'll be sitting on his Lazy Boy, flipping channels.I'd be giving him a light kiss and a nice back rub. Then I'd sit beside him for some TV and some soup...  His sister may be joining us for dinner, or I would have picked her up after grocery-shopping. She'd be joining us for some crazy conversation about her silly colleagues. His parents would call at night. I'd have a quick pow-wow with them and then they would talk to him. On weekends, we'd be jogging around in the park, near the mall... We'd have brunch then go to church. Then maybe go to the mall or just veg out. I like vegging out on weekends. Sleep through out the afternoon and maybe have a nice romantic dinner at night. 

There are so many things that could have been. 

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not regretful. Every single thing that lead me up to this, I would do again. Not because I don't know any better or because I know any worse, but because I am accountable for myself. I feel terrible for ruining my chances of what could-have-been's but you know what, if I was really loved, if I was someone worth fighting for, I would been fought for. If I was really the one, I would not have could-have-been's. I would be living them now. 

I'm not the one. I was let go of. In this world, that happens. I keep playing it in my head. I wasn't the one who let go, I kept on and I showed courage. I showed love in the most unbelievable stages of our lives together, unconditional, true, unfailing. Even when insults came at me, I stood up and vowed that I will love him forever. I am not sorry for loving him. I'm sorry for the consequences of my actions. I wish somehow, his parents will see that they push people away. I felt torn down every time I came across their path. I felt sad every time I met them cos they really make me feel like I was going to do something wrong, like I wasn't going to do right by their son. I hope the next woman that comes into his life will have more support from his parents. Maybe that's all I'm good for. I'm the woman that will be their yardstick for life - you know, if some Debbie, Angela or Rosemary enters his life, at least she's much better than Meg, and quite honestly, if that is what would make him happy, then I'm all for it. 

I have not given up on love. I'm just giving up on this one. I loved truly and unconditionally. I love him still. I don't care if you frown upon it or if you feel like you should slap me silly. I know I do and it's useless to lie to myself about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he doesn't anymore. He couldn't care less anymore about what goes on in my life. The tone of his emails have gone from slightly accusatory "I thought you lined your weekends up with men" to one-liners like "Ok" in a span of a week. I think he's meeting people and having fun, which should be the case. I always hoped he'd be back and he'd sweep me off my feet and say he loves me. That's not going to happen... 

The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing...I guess our song is over as we began to sing...

Enchanted

How does she know that you love her? It's funny cos the first time I saw this, I was with House. Me being Wilson, trying to be a good friend. It's showing on HBO as I type this entry. It's weird because I've never been a fan of either Amy Adams or McDreamy Patrick Dempsey but this film has made me realize a lot of the things I love about falling in love, about romance and reality. It's this film about a princess in an enchanted land who gets thrown into a well by an evil queen where she ends up in New York and in the home of a single dad and his daughter, Morgan.

When you think about it, romance is kind of like that. It is this enchanted and pristine princess that gets thrown in a well and ends up in the harsh reality of New York. In my case, it's the urban hub of Ortigas. Everyone has problems. Why sacrifice the good times for the bad? And so I end this entry with the one song that made me cry from this movie. Something that I feel everyday...

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close
We're so close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

Replied

Something that Dave wrote on my Multiply Page... I posted it as a comment but thought it was better as an entire entry. I miss my NHO Peeps. :(

One time, when Joey Benin was left alone in the house for the first time because the rest of the family went to Hong-Kong, he wrote these lines:

All those years I've longed to hold you in my arms
I've been dreaming of you
Every night I've been watching all the stars that fall down
Wishing you will be mine now
I just can't believe that you are mine now

You were just a dream that I once knew
I never thought I would be right for you
I just can't compare you with anything in this world
You're all I need to be with forevermore

Yes, romance is still alive. But in the case of Joey, he had to compose it and turn it into one of Side A's most memorable songs.

Romance have to be created. You have to write it, work on it, practice it. If you wait for romance to come one day riding in a white horse, you'll be disappointed. Besides the traffic and pollution in Manila would probably take its toll on the horse. Romance is not always in the taking, it's also alive in the giving.

The guy who cooks up a mix of his favorite love songs on a cd and gives it to his office mate. The girl who writes a note of love on a post it pad and sticks it to his screen. The husband who picks up a copy of his wife's favorite John Loyd movie for them to watch together.

John Maxwell has this 30 second rule. When you meet someone, use 30 seconds to add value to the life of that someone. He believes that at the base of leadership are relationships and relationships exists through effort.

Romance is the same. I agree with John Cage, while most of the world may not give us romance, we can give romance to the world.

That's so beautiful...

Purport

Paris Hilton supposedly didn't sing this song. For some reason, she seems like she was the one who sang and composed it. Repo co-stars swear by her vocal prowess. Supposedly, she has the voice of a princess. I dunno... seems like a regular Milli Vanilli to me.

I just passed the 6-month mark. I'm now technically a regular employee, by law and by contract... I can summon the Employment Law gods and demand for a higher remuneration scheme and a nicer title. I think I've proven myself as a great trainer.

I actually took this job because of the challenge it gives me. It's harassing being a creative mind in an analytical world. It's even more stressful when your analytical world is being ruled by non-analytical, non-creative people that are very unreliable. Case in point, the female manager who can not decipher Outlook nor can figure out how her service should be run. I am normally a very serene person, I'd like to think, but somehow, it has been a tumultuous 6 months. Yet, I feel that it was a good exercise for my patience and my perseverance. I'm now somewhat more attuned to what people feel. For some reason, men make more sense (though hanging it with gay people would hardly qualify as hanging out with men). In some weird sense, I think I have given this all I can, with all my heart and my soul. I think there will be challenges to come and I will be up for it.

I still feel like such a doormat for accepting the bond, but it feels like I'm trapped and I can't really focus on working on what I'm supposed to be working on. I seem to be okay with it when asked but seriously, I feel like I am starting to hate it. I don't know, call me weird but the idea that I'm committed for two years still feels like a chain on my ankles. Well, what the hell am I complaining about? I was the one who asked for this...

Oh well...

Proverbial Fly in the Ointment

There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart
You know how easy it is to tear it apart
If I lend it to you, would you keep it safe for me
I'll lend it to you, will you treat it tenderly
There's something beating here inside my body
And it's called a heart

Love can suck big time. Especially when you're on the losing end of things. I just realized that over a span of a few years, I have been blissfully unaware of things because I choose not to be aware. Holes in people's hearts can vanish with just a little love but love doesn't really cure much. I think time does. But it really depends when the person has enough time to heal.

Once, I was told that we choose the people we let into our lives. There are times we can't let go but we have to. I always thought that I was the one with an incredibly huge issue about letting go. Apparently, everyone has that exact same tick - a troublesome affair that they just can't end, a question in their heads about the future, a gray area that never really warrants an answer but has always been the proverbial fly in the ointment.

Now, I'm still haunted by certain flies in my ointment - questions that get harder to deal with because they have no answers. Or if answered, poses more questions. Or if queried might lead me to a broken heart or a jaded soul. Do I really want to proceed?

If life was a huge flowchart, you'd have the answers. You'll have time to process and analyze certain ideals that could in fact lead you to what you want. Say for instance, all you've ever wanted is a man by your side...




You always have the ideal that if it makes a good story after the love has gone. It's always good if you can write it in a memoir somewhere, someday.

Oh my dear proverbial fly in the ointment... ahh, when will you ever go away? Why can't you leave me alone? I have tried to be good and wonderful but I guess that's not enough. You always have to stick to the ointment...

Semi-Charmed Kind of Life

Ok, it's been a while since I've updated this blog. I've been writing in my journal. But I guess this blog is something I should also update every now and then. I just finished a new starter training for Merlin. Oh gawd, whoever said just having a few trainees is easy was seriously wrong. It takes so much for me to be able to facilitate a class for two people. Especially if they're incredibly lacking experience in IT-related processes. Merlin supports this complicated process that I haven't really mastered. Why am I teaching it? Cos I need to... Come on, no one masters centripetal force in theory, yet it's being taught in high school, right? Same concept. I never claimed to be a master of anything anyhow.

It's been a slightly charmed weekend. I just learned that I had psychic powers. Don't laugh. It's eerily true. I was in the office, minding my business when this overwhelming feeling of being online on YM came upon me. It was weird. Don't ask me why. I popped Jeoff's window open , eventhough I knew that there was a snowball's chance in hell that he'd be online and just typed a "mwah". And he replied. It says that Jeoff is offline. Turns out that he was appearing invisible to all his friends and just got online too. It happened again when I called him up and he just left the office, ready to call me. Coincidence? I don't know. It was weird and it boggled me for the whole week. Can people actually read you? And do I possess that power to intuitively feel that someone is about to call me? It's relatively weird. I know people connect in a psychic way but my analytical mind can not get over the fact that it shouldn't be the case. It was probably just sheer coincidence...

I'm ready to teach SDI next week. I have three external trainees from AIG and Infonxx. Oh well. Hope I do well. I just don't want to screw up. I better prepare my game face this weekend. I should appear as someone who is technical, and well-versed with ITIL principles. Ah, you know what, screw it, I'm gonna be me. Take it or leave it.

I just had a lovely dinner with Cym, one of my oldest friends from way back Kindergarten (I kid you not!). We were classmates in Kindergarten, until I was in UP Diliman. Well, we'd always have lunch together. She was taking up Interior Design and was always scheduled in the Architecture Building (aka Arki) while I was slaving away in Didactics in Palma Hall (aka AS - Arts and Sciences). Now she's married with a kid named Ela, and well... it's been a fun ride. We talked about everything under the covers - este sun pala. Haha! Nah, it's just nice to talk with someone who understands life after singlehood and isn't afraid to spare you wiser counsel.

I just bought a new anti-ageing cream from Nivea. I bought the one that promises to "erase fine lines" and "renew skin cells" as if no other product has ever promised that before. Quite honestly, I just need something that my skin can tolerate. Especially now that I am almost 30 and I'm not getting any younger. I can literally feel my whole body sagging. Take for instance my headlights, Daisy and Dolly (yes, you can give them names) which used to be perky when I was in my early twenties. Now, I absolutely NEED something that lifts and separates - or else. Well, not to mention the fact that now, I make sure that I use firming cream everyday for them. Ok, don't ask me why. I'm just weird about my skin. I know that smokers have a 75-80% chance of developing skin cancer that is why I'm extra careful. Skin cancer can attack someone who is almost 30 while lung cancer usually strikes at the age of 40 and above. I'm not being vain or anything. I just sincerely want to protect myself. Also, after the onslaught of my skin lesion episode last May (thank heavens it's over and yes it left me scarred for life), I swore never to take my skin for granted again.

I'm losing the battle of the bulges. I think eating rice after 12MN should be outlawed. :) Well, I only have myself to blame. Beginning today, I swear to minimize the intake of rice so when Jeoff gets here, I can actually be presentable to people and not be the porker that I am. Hehe.

The Black and White Affair is almost ready. I just need Matt to view Opus first. I told him I'd take him there, but he opted to go alone. Yeah, kinda weird if someone sees us together in a resto in Metrowalk. I actually wanted to ask him for a raise (I'm not asking for a hundred thousand or so, I was just going to ask for an additional 5 K or so... )And if I take him someplace public, he won't be able to react negatively. Haha!

Well, looks like this is it for me. I'm going to catch some shut eye and relax because I think my body has went into hyperdrive the past few days. I've never been so tired. Oh well, time to sleep. ;)

The Sorry Song

For all I am worth, no matter how worthless it all seems...I am sorry. If I only had the power to hit rewind or erase the past, I would. But I can't. This is what happened and I am willing to take responsibility for all that is, and all that will be...

If only I could turn back time...

Cos I Had a Bad Day

I should be really studying right now. The online portal is taking too long to load and I'm a little strapped for time. I have a killer migraine and I could seriously go for a big old seared tuna fillet right about now. And yet I am here, on this site, killing a good 20 or so minutes only to vent and state what I have to say.

Next week, I will be attending the certification training for HDI (Helpdesk Institute, UK). I'm pretty excited and yet I am scared shitless. What happens if I am not analytical enough to actually fight this thing? Oh well... we'll see. There's an exam right after and if I am not going to be certified, I might as well chicken out now.

People say that everything happens for a reason. You land a job because you're capable. Why does it feel like Matt (my Brit boss who sort of looks like Hugh Grant, only younger and with better teeth) believed in me way too much?

Today at work, I almost fell asleep cos I'm nursing a very bad migraine which eventually went away at around 10:35PM. About 25 minutes prior to the end of my shift. I think it's my laptop. I have to make sure that laptop stays disconnected from a power source because I swear, it's messing with my eyes. I was also almost late getting to work because there were no cabs in Megamall! I hate riding the MRT to work! Going home, five cabs passed me by without even uttering a word. All I needed to say was where I was headed and they all just roll their windows back up and drive as fast as they can. I think I wished they all never get good passengers today. I wished they never get passengers at all.

I got home and I've never been more tired. I switched the telly on and woah... the digital box is dead. Greeeaaaaatttt!!!! The only thing that's working is the internet, and I had to ping Blogger twice cos it wasn't responding the first two times I accessed it.

I went to the kitchen and saw that all my crazy brother (whom I love, don't get me wrong) left me was a little piece of veggie omelet. I was really hoping for a nice seared fish with lemon sauce,but well, he really can't cook. What was I expecting. Podium was closed and all I can buy was either a cheeseburger from McDonald's or a little can of sisig from Select. I would go for the omelet.

Okay, that was my bitch brew for the day. For some reason...I am really hoping that tomorrow won't be so bad. If only I could get some studying done!

Engaged

I am not going crazy... but...
A few hours ago, I actually dreamed about something weird.
I dreamed that I was in this house a Spanish ancestral house with huge Capiz windows. I remember seeing rose petals everywhere. As if there was a romantic party... There was a wonderful buffet on an elongated table covered in white cloth.

I was walking towards the huge wooden stairs when I saw Jeoff walking with his ex-girlfriend. The ex looked amazing. She was wearing a red dress, tight against her body. It was silk. Very lavish. He was wearing a suit. And they were walking together. His arm held out like a military man, her elbow I'm sure, slightly hurting his side, but he seemed so happy....

I was wearing a white dress. Not a wedding dress, just something I might wear to a nice party. I remember him saying something like please go away. This is my engagement party.

I was turned away...

I wasn't crying or anything, but I grabbed his hand and gave him back the iPod he gave me. I was looking at his face. He seemed so different. His hair was different, his skin, his face... Yet he felt like Jeoff. I remember thinking that the man was not even Jeoff...

He yelled and said "Damn it, Meg, stop running after me..." He threw the iPod to me and it landed on my shoe. I then remember a slightly older woman dragging me away from Jeoff and the ex. She seemed so mad because she was grabbing my hair and digging her nails into my arm, so I won't go back to the stairs. Jeoff and his ex then started making their way back to the guests.

I don't understand what it means. I remember waking up and not feeling sad but angry. I was really angry. No, we haven't had a fight. And no, I don't doubt that he loves me so very much. He says so, and shows me how much he does love me. And what really struck me is how different he seemed. It was like looking at another man, and it felt so weird... because I recognize the ex-girlfriend's face. But I know it wasn't him. Maybe that's why I was mad. I was fuming mad because I was scratching and kicking and clawing to get back to him. It felt like I was in twilight zone. He felt so different. His hair, his face and his eyes. I mean, everything was different yet similar and familiar... it looks like him but it wasn't him, or it felt like him but it wasn't him. Hell, I know this post doesn't make sense. I just thought I'd write about this.

What's weirder is that my man just made me feel so special today. I don't doubt that he loves me. Nor do I doubt that he's over his ex. But wow, that was some dream.

Mirrors

I had a very long talk with A*ya earlier. It was a wonderful talk. She too, has a loved-one, waiting for her. They have been together for a year and it has been the most wonderful relationship she's ever had.

She asked me if I ever get emotional about being separated from my loved-one.

I thought for a moment and said "No...". I regretted it the moment I said it because I know it isn't true. The pain of being away from someone you love, something we can share... I just didn't know how I'll be perceived. I automatically followed it up with "Yes.. It hurts."

I can see her tearing up because she felt the same pain. Same agonizing pain that comes with every moment that you don't have the one you love beside you. It kills you but it makes you long for another day, so that you can be with the one you love. I sincerely felt her pain. While our situations may not be the same, I know she felt the hurt in my voice as I felt hers. We kept on talking about love and hurting and being away. I told her my story, about not being able to leave and she told me her situation too. I told her my ideas, my thoughts, how being apart would crush you but you have to be stronger. How you commit everyday to the person you love because love is a commitment. It's not something that fleets or flakes out at the first sign of danger.

To me, she was glowing. I can see love radiating from her eyes. She would talk about him in the brightest context. With laughter to match... Pictures to show... It was beautiful. I think it is one love story I would like to hear of... I hope they do end up being together. I hope they do have children someday. I see her smiling at every mention of his name. Or how he would be wither her child. Or how wonderfully sweet and mature he is.

I didn't have to look into a mirror to see what was going on with me. In her eyes, I saw me, and in my eyes, she saw herself. And there is no mirror more powerful than that.

just an article i read...

CLOSING CYCLES
by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.

Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back.

Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

touched by the sun

i hate feeling this way. i feel like i'm going crazy.

i saw my parents kissing. i ran to my room and cried. cried for all that was lost. all that i'll never have. all that i'll never be.

i will never be HIS wife. never be HIS angel. never be anything to HIM!
he's gone. he will never come back.

so damned it, get it through your fucking thick skull, meg!

he is the man that i longed for and he can't be mine. there's nothing now between us, except distance and indifference, and maybe a little bit of care. why do i still love him? why can't i just unlove a man?!

why did he fall out of love with you? you're a failure, a nag, a bitch, a weakling. you didn't take care of him. you chased him out of your love and you deserve the pain and the suffering you're going through right now. because you'll never be good enough for anyone. never.

i am starting to hate myself. everyday is a constant breakdown. everyday is a constant struggle to be well. i am doing everything in my power to stop thinking about him and this feeling rears its ugly head everytime!


why?

why am i not over you?

why are you over me so quickly?!

he will never choose you. he will never want you back, so please meg, for all that is holy and wonderful, please learn to let him go. please stop loving him. learn to feel something else. learn to fight the feeling. learn to unlearn him. you have to stop hurting. stop believing. stop fucking hoping! you don't hear him calling your name. you won't hear him fighting for you. there is nothing left there. if he loves you, he'll be back but he isn't. isn't that enough fucking proof? for cying out loud, meg, wake up. he will never want you back. he gave up on you! he gave up on this relationship. he gave up on your love. he doesn't want to fight for you anymore. so shut up and suck it up! you'll never be together. you'll end up hurting yourself if you get to be with him.

why can't it be me that you are loving? why can't you for once in your life consciously choose to love me for the love that i am giving you? throw me some love, yes, i am begging right now! and to hell with what everyone says. i am pathetic and i want to continue loving you. and i want another chance and i want you to know that i need you.

you can't even find it in your heart to fight for me. please say it's over. please say it's worth it. please say you will be with me.

he will never love you. let him go.

let him go. let him go. let him go. let him go. let him go. let him go. and you will hear me say this over and over again until you actually do.

LET HIM GO!

yipee!

according to ivillage.com, i am almost over the messy part...

The break-up test

You're looking for Mr Right now
Well, there's good news and bad news. The good news is this: you're halfway there. It probably wasn't the nicest break-up, but you're past the messy part. Now for the bad news: even though you're no longer wading through boxes of tissues everyday, you've still got some post-break-up recovering to do. Our best advice is to take it slow, talk through all your feelings with an understanding friend or counsellor and trust that you are going to get over him. One word of warning: falling into bed with a new man might be fun at the time, but a rebound relationship won't cure your ailing heart.

ok, so fine, i may have cheated on some of the questions, but hey, they did say pretend that it was like a week from now. so, in a week from now, i'll be this. i promise i'll be this.

so hard

i know you're reading this.
i know you're wondering what's going on.
i know you want to know what i am thinking about.

i thank you for loving me.
having loved me means the world to me.

but now, more than anything...
i am still asking why.
i wish there was someway i could bring back the past
and make you fall for me again
i wish i'd stop hurting
stop yearning
for love from you

you say i'm human
i don't know...
you say there's no chance
and i respect that

but deep inside
i mourn for my loss
my chance at greatness
my chance at happiness
my chance of being with you

i didn't even know i screwed up

i hadn't even begun to feel
and already, i was lost

i feel like such a failure
losing you
i feel like such a fool
believing that there is a future
i feel so pathetic
praying to god for one more chance

for now...
i'm trying to live my life
one day at a time
to hell with sleep
to hell with eating
if hunger comes, i eat
if sleepiness comes, i sleep
but i never force myself to do anything
except not think of you
except not relive moments in my life that i spent with you

i can't believe it's over
i can't believe you're not there
i am at a loss without you

people tell me
i deserve better
that your love wasn't the love that i deserved
that your falling out of love with me is a sign that you never loved me at all
that your actions are not the actions of an honorable man
that i was abused and misused
that i was hurt and deliberately pained
only for the happiness of one man that is you

i say that is not true

i know that it isn't true

i know you're also sad

i know you're also grasping why you can't seem to want me anymore
i have one answer that can possibly put our minds to ease

we're just not meant for each other

and i'll never stop asking god why...

promise

i made my promise. i'll keep my distance. thanks.

you don't say!

I looked at my old blog again today. Man, was i stoned or what?! I didn't know i could write this way...

This was an entry dated May 21st of 2006.
Title: The Emancipation of Meg

adults learn best by doing.

i learned what love was by loving.

and now i'm ready to let go.

i have moments where i wish that he will return.

i am wishing nothing but the best for him.

i hope that he considers that the love i felt was real.

but tonight...

when everything has weighed so heavily in my heart and my pride can't take any more beating...

i can not depend on him to please me.

i can not live through him

through the hope that one day he will be mine alone.

he will always wander

and i am not any better than the people he will meet.

there will always be a better me...

someone wiser

braver

more beautiful

more spiritual

his queen

who am i but a fallen angel?

contending with a charmer will not do...

i am emancipating myself from the hope that was brought to me by this love.

i am emancipating myself from the face of heaven

true love has brought me closer.. healed my wings a little

now that i have lost it

i am broken again.

i am lost again

engulfed in this darkness, i turn to power

i turn to the healing nature of the need to be in control

i may not be able to touch the face of heaven ever again

but i will find the face of God

should i not be able to fly again

i will learn to jump and aim for salvation

because heaven knows that i would love nothing than to be in paradise

rather than the infernal emptiness that surrounds me now.

At this point in my life, I was nursing a badly bruised ego and a shattered heart. I didn't realize that I really felt all these until I revisited my blog. I think there is so much to learn from these previous posts, so I'm going to dig through these posts time and again. I hate seeing a sadder part of me come to life through these posts but I think it's great that I get to reflect on them.