Wedding Stuff

It's 3:41 am, I just chose not to sleep tonight. I've been trying to visualize what I want in my wedding. I'm still coming up blank. It's funny... Back then, I never really thought he would actually propose and tell my folks.

So, yes... apart from the workload in the office, I also had to worry about the wedding I will be having. I have chosen to forsake all the games I play on Facebook and also this blog. I am just giving myself a breather because I didn't take any work home this weekend. I just chose to sit back, relax and completely veg out.

So here I am checking out wedding websites. I just know for a fact that I want something very simple. It should elegant, but simple. I think something should always dazzle people, like a chocolate fondue for dessert, or a huge cake with molten chocolate inside, no matter how much I don't like chocolate. I think that a nice simple dress would do, with not much trimmings. If I was to sum up what I wanted, I want a no fuss, non-ostentatious and non-flamboyant wedding. I want the money we will save to be for starting our lives together. Oh goodness, I still haven't even decided on a motif. Or a color scheme. I guess I'm still in awe that we're really going to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that we're getting married. I just thought that I would have more people telling me what to do than me deciding. And I didn't realize that I was this analytical. I keep thinking about the motif, and if it reflects both me and him. I was thinking of powder blue and wheat (think Facebook blue and Johnny Bravo blonde) the whole day and if they'd work. But it's great that Jeoff and I talked last night and he showed me this site where we can work with color combinations.

This is what I was considering the whole day...

It seems like a no fuss and very simple and elegant color scheme.

That other one also caught our eye. It represents our favorite pastime - having coffee. But it does seem dark and gloomy. And I'm pretty sure people in the Philippines wouldn't dream of having brown as a wedding motif. I once saw this episode in Married Away where they had a Black and White wedding. It was beautiful. I have always wanted something like that, but since I want to get married in a church, I might as well throw that concept away.

I know I'm just rambling and this hardly seems like a good thread of ideas for now. I am just scared that my wedding, the most important day of my life with husband-to-be, would be a complete disaster if I don't make the right decisions. When I was younger and older friends were fussing about their wedding plans, I would roll my eyes and say "how hard could it be to plan a wedding?". I think this is my major karma. Now, I'm going to be alone and I have to plan it from scratch. I only wish that Jeoff is here. I mean, I know he's a guy and all, and will probably not go through with every nitty gritty stuff with me, but it would help to have that kind of support. Nevertheless, I'll be sure to walk through the details with him. He shouldn't be shocked with a crazy theme wedding. Or should he? Haha!

I think it's my time to rest. My back is frankly killing me. I am just training for work this Monday, which means I have plenty of time to go through some of my thoughts. When I get home from work this Monday, I promise to relax and then go through a bundle of bridal magazines which I will have to purchase tomorrow.

This be it for the tired (and hopefully quickly losing weight) me... I promise to come up with more intellectual musings in the future. Haha!

Girl Meets Reality

A funny clip from Will and Grace reminded me of this song. Grace's husband Leo leaves New York for business. It's pretty amusing because she pops on her video recorder and sings a song for her hubby. Comically speaking, it's one pretty funny idea.

I can't really imagine singing a song on a video. I have done it once. And I sent it to him. I doubt that I'll have enough gumption and courage to actually post it online. Nonetheless, I'm talking about this because he's about to leave again.

Earlier, whilst waiting for a cab, I can't help but be a little misty-eyed. Why does a great day have to end? I know that I have been "hogging" him the whole time, nonetheless, I wish that he will actually stay longer. I sincerely wish that the remaining week of his visit will run incredibly slowly. If I wait for him to come back, it would be 2010.

I know this seems like word vomit, but I am feeling mixed about this. I wish he can stay and I know that he has to go. I know he has to work and take care of his business there and all I wish for is for him to be in my arms. Everyday that he was away, what kept me alive and waiting was the idea that he will be back and will be in my arms again. It seems like everyday is a battle to stay sane from missing him and from so much loneliness. When he left last time, I cried for a whole week. No one knew. I didn't want people to find out that I was that affected. Now, I vowed that I will never cry. I will not cry. I will be stronger and better and will draw from my memory everything that we did together - the trips to the mall, the making-out, the movies we've watched, the food we've shared (guess what, I think we're at that level where we can pick out food from each others' plate), and the laughter that really makes me feel that the intimacy we share is real. Laughing with each other and at each other is incredibly wonderful. I just wish it can go on like this forever.

Zen

It has been quite a whirlwind. I have to admit, I love being away from work and from the office. I love the ability to NOT check my inbox just because it's needed. I love the fact that people in the office also respect my need for some time alone and some time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I have come to realize that last year was placed in a pedestal for me. It's been one heck of a beautiful year. Being with my family, my friends, the man of my dreams, my kick-ass job and along the way... making mistakes, learning promptly what I was doing wrong and correcting things, one by one...

I have also been following a little bit of "The Secret". It's this nice school of thought that says you have to phrase things positively in order to push the laws of the universe to work for you.

So here are my positive thoughts for the year:

• I love my family... These are the people I will die for and will kill for. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents and wonderful loved-ones.
• I am a strong and intelligent person. I am capable of doing things that are beyond other people's abilities.
• I am a great trainer, a great people-person and a great employee. I am someone that people relate to and are able to respect and love.
• I am a good person and I will channel my energy to reflect the good in this universe to the people who need it.
• I am someone who doesn't need anyone to fulfill my dreams. I can work on it on my own.
• I am loving and understanding. I deserve someone equally loving and understanding as I am.
• I am forgiving. I will always see things from the other person's point of view before I start pointing fingers.
• I am true and real. I am capable of negotiating within the bounds of my reality instead of manipulating things to my advantage.

This year, my mantra is to be pure and true, with lots of zen moments in between.

I want to rediscover art, and beauty through my eyes. I want to see what else I can bring to the table. I want to challenge myself, and fight for the future more as a ready, willing and able person. I want to consistently perform at par with people whom I care for and people that I respect as individuals.

Mad Sense

How is it possible to want someone more and more everyday?
It seems awfully maddening to be away from him even for just one day. Maybe it's because distance really screws up your entire system for judgment and even a sense of propriety. I seriously want more and more and more and more of him. I want to be with him - to laugh with, to cry with, to go to the mall with, to have dinner with... I honestly wish I can be with this man for the rest of my life.