Beautiful Nightmare

Ok, so the tests were normal. I'm so thankful. The ultrasound turned out to be a good test after all. It showed a section of my breasts - axilla, lobules, almost everything that I was worried about. It's good that:

1. There were no lumps/bumps or bruises in them.

2. It showed me how much fat I had in my breasts

Haha! Ok, not exactly medical in my sense. I am trying to cut back on lots of fat. Less sodium, less carbs as well. I had a great awakening. It's scary to be fat nowadays, lots of pain in my back and I really wish my HMO would cover breast reduction surgery. I just saw a woman in TheDoctors episode crying cos she can't open the pantry cupboards cos her breasts get in the way. I don't want to be like that...

I think sometimes, people can obsess so much about death when they haven't really started living. I was so scared I was gonna die that I was convinced that I was indeed, about to. The pain was sort of a manisfestation of what I was feeling inside. I was in a tremendous amount of stress. Everything was such a pain. It was a pain getting up in the morning and a pain to go home at night. I was always pretty casual with my time, giving it freely to whomever needs it. Now, I need to relax and really prioritize things that matter to me. I know it sounds crazy to admit this, but as a manager - I suck at prioritizing. People do feel, probably, that I'm there all the time, but in all honesty, sometimes, I am just a shell of who I am.

I can't keep on taking on people who assign me their peace of mind. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming that it has gotten to the point that it can cause severe breast pain.

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Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...

No Air

That song is always stuck in my head... And just in case people can't relate to it, here's the video...

So for some reason, that's what's been happening to me. I've been literally robbed of my air. My airway has been pretty inflamed as of late. And apparently, I have asthma. Great. Of all the fun diseases I can have, I get the best one. I am now allergic to almost anything - dust, smoke, pollen, anything that could trigger it. It literally sucks. It literally sucks because all I want right now is a stick of my Marlboro lights. I sincerely do... :(

Sick Day

I think I have pneumonia. Tomorrow, when I go to the doctor, and find out that I don't have pneumonia, we will then confirm that I am a hypochondriac.
I think it's a blessing in disguise, actually. I've been having the itchy fingers as of late. I haven't had enough time to update and prettify my blog and here we are now. Somehow, I think it's been deafening being alone. Alone in my room, alone in the house... It sucks but I think I had a lot of fun coughing myself to sleep.
I got to watch a lot of fun movies. I had a CSI marathon early in the morning, when I woke up. After which, I got some sleep again. Come lunch time, I woke up and ate some fish. Awww, fish! I just love the way fish cooks in white sauce, with mushroom and cloud ears. You can't have enough of a good thing... Anyhow, onwards to more CSI. Waking up at around 9PM after a good sleep, I was able to watch "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry". Adam Sandler is just so hilarious. I almost lost my breath watching him and Kevin James go through married life.
I also got to watch Zohan and Meet Dave. I'm planning to watch "Blades of Glory" later when I get extremely bored. Thank goodness for fake DVDs. I know, it's shameful to admit that I buy these things, but hey, I think I get great entertainment value off of them.
I'm planning to go to the doctor tomorrow. Hope it will be good. I wish I don't have pleural effusion or something scary like that.

Killing Me Sweetly

My friend Kell showed me something mighty freaky the other day.

It was an article about Aspartame, the main ingredient of diet sodas, NutraSweet and Splenda. I am a chemist for crying out loud, and I failed to see the signs. I have been a religious drinker of almost everything that doesn't contain sugar. Why, you ask? Mainly because it was a "healthier" alternative to drinking something laden with teeth-rotting sugar. Boy was I wrong!

The webpage is titled "My Aspartame Experiment". Therein lies the chronicles of bad Aspartame pharmacokinetics on lab mice.

Aspartame is chemically N-(L-α-Aspartyl)-L-phenylalanine, 1-methyl ester. This means it is a methylated ester of the dipeptide bonds of 2 amino acids - L-aspartic acid and L-phenylalanine. The bad thing about it being methylated means upon being subjected to extreme media - whether in highly acidic or alkaline environment, it hydrolyses, cleaving off Methanol in its media. This means inside your body, your stomach, with all the gastric acids in it, you can release Methanol in your system, particularly in the small intestine.

Inside the body, in greatly acidic media, Aspartame breaks down into three main products - Methanol, Aspartic Acid and Phenylalanine.

Phenylalanine is unsafe for someone who is born with Phenylketonuria. This is a genetic condition which is really rare. If you're born with this genetic diseases, that means you do not have the ability to digest or metabolize Phenylalanine to Tyrosine, which is something the body can recognize and digest. A spike of Phenylalanine in your blood stream can cause seizures. The mechanism of action of this amino acid is that it competes with naturally-occurring larger molecules of amino acid to enter the blood-brain barrier thus, resulting in seizures in humans.

Aspartic Acid is an excitotoxin, which inflicts damage on nerve and brain cells. Although still debatable, it is shown that in rodents, such as lab mice, it causes extreme neurotoxicity.

Methanol, although carried by lambanog and other fruit juices (OJ's have the highest concentration), becomes formaldehyde, in the small intestine. Formaldehyde is classified as a carcinogen by the US EPA (Environmental Protection Agency). The European Union also decided to discontinue the use of Formaldehyde as an embalming fluid due to its cancer risk on Sept 2007. While thousands of data from Aspartame-producers claim that due to very little portions of Methanol are released, it is still not enough. Your body needs naturally-occurring Ethanol, to neutralize the effect of Methanol. Sadly though, diet sodas and coffee with your usual non-sugar sweeteners does not contain that. Only fruit juices, like OJ, have both naturally-occurring Ethanol and Methanol.

There have been countless data supporting Aspartame and its effects on the body, stating the health risk it poses on your brain, nerves and other pathologies. Do not be the next victim.