The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...

The Way He Loves Me

It's pretty baffling how one man can change the way you look at things, how one man can change the perspective you have in this lifetime. I know I probably sound like a schoolgirl gushing about her crush on this guy but dear God, I don't what I ever did in this lifetime to find someone so amazing and so wonderful. He makes me laugh and think and appreciate the things I have in this life. He sits down with me and I am calm in the midst of Makati traffic. I am humbled by this feeling and I can't imagine how and why I ever mistook this for something that won't work. I can feel his love and it radiates all over.

Again, I don't mean to sound incredibly mushy about how I feel. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about it. It's 2:30 in the morning, I just finished a lovely dinner with him some hours ago, and still, I can't stop thinking about how beautiful everything was and still is. And I honestly can't wait until I get to spend some time with him again.

I am not going to lie, I think a little part of me is scared as hell because he will leave for Canada again. I'm scared because I don't how to go back to not seeing him again for another year. I seriously wish I can make him stay or that I can go with him.

Still, it doesn't matter for now. I want to live with what is, not what will be or what was. I love everything and I can't thank God enough for sending me such a wonderful and amazing man. I am blessed to have him.

27

It's been almost 27 years since I was born. I just wanted to take the time to view my life from a 26 year-old's perspective...

I've been so blessed.

• I have a wonderful family whom I love very much. We've had our differences but we've been pulling through. I know that whatever kind of trouble or problem I face, my dad, my mom and my brother will always be there for me.
• Great friends whom I will never, ever wish to change. I have been fortunate to find so many wonderful people in this lifetime and I only can wish that whatever strength they give me is also the strength they draw from me. I almost feel army strong because of them and I will never wish for my relationship with them to change. I have a few very good friends whom I have shown the most vulnerable side of me. If I have cried in front of you, chances are I trust you. And if I have been crying and trying to explain my side at the same time, it just means that I'll give you half of my liver. I love my friends very much. While there are only a few whom I completely and absolutely trust, I sincerely thank you. I consider one to be my sister. And I love her to bits. You know who you are. :) Thanks for being the person who trusts me and the person whom I trust...sincerely.
• My career that may need a few changes but still is a kick-ass one. I'm very fortunate that I'm at this point where I can make my own decisions as a training personnel. While it is absolutely true that I am, at this point, the most senior and most learned training coordinator in the entire company, I think, I don't really wish for any promotion. I'm happy being able to teach and being able to find solutions to people's looping and sometimes twisted questions.
• I have been blessed with enough funds to be able to enjoy life's simple pleasures. Being able to take a cab when needed...capability to drink a cup of overpriced coffee when I want to, being able to dye my hair Phoenix-red...having a complete line of expensive hair care products just because I want to...a laptop that's amazing...a great bag and shoe collection...having cable and internet connection and electricity...
• Knowledge that is not necessarily useful but is amusing. I think this is the reason why people think I'm smart...because I know Potassium Permanganate explodes with sugar. Haha! Seriously! I think people assume I know a lot of stuff, but I think I only know a few things. It takes years to master an idea and decades to have one of your own, well at least a billion-dollar one. :)
  
• Having a slightly normal, kind of offbeat sense of sarcasm, wit and sense of humor. I think it saves me from a lot of confrontations.
  
• Having someone who is able to see through my actions and words right into my heart, who knows how to forgive and love while proximity isn't on our side

I have been blessed. I don't want to ask for anything else. I only ask that the people whom I love will be blessed with excellent health and more time with me.

It's been a wonderful world. It still is. It will always be. God has always provided and God has always been kind and good.

Someone to Watch over Me

A classic... No video, just a black and white picture of Ella Fitzgerald and it's something you might hear over a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato. It's almost impossible that I'd be listening to this song on a lazy Sunday morning.

I've been reviewing for my SDI certification and I thought of updating my laptop for some new Vista updates and to check some email from the office and I realized how much I remember the first date I've ever had with Jeoff. He doesn't remember much, but for some reason, I remember most of it. I remember how he smells - how the waiter keeps popping in and out with three plates of Mexican snack - the Quesadilla, the Nachos, the Fajitas...the beer. Everything seemed so wonderful though we were only a few meters away from the office. It was as if time stood still. It's ridiculous how much I remember what we talked about, how we talked about it... The morning after that date that made me send him more than a dozen SMS'.

For some reason, at that moment, I never really thought it would go anywhere, but here we are... Several years after, still clinging on to each other. I'm still smitten with him. He's still smitten with me. I only have God to thank for that. I pray that somehow, he's still going to be with me throughout everything that happens. It's almost miraculous how people hold on when they're in love. I think it's exactly what I learned from Glenna. A little patience goes a long, long, LONG way...

What I told him earlier was everything I have been feeling... It's getting really sad not coming home to someone who thinks you're worth everything. It's getting sadder and sadder not coming home to someone who cares about your day or thinks greatly of you even when you snore and drool comes out of your lips when you sleep.

I have been told once that relationship is not counting the years, but making the years count. I think somehow, I sincerely want to make the years count more.

Losing Faith

Life has its limits...

Lyrics | If I Ever Lose My Faith In You lyrics

It was last March when I last saw Jeoff. It has been a good year and four months. Yesterday, we just spoke and for some reason, I've never felt more comfortable with him. He has been laughing at my jokes more, been more interested somehow in most of what I say. He has been patiently calling me despite the fact that I am just dead weight on my bed. It has been honestly, great! I mean people at work have been asking me how we make it work and all I keep saying is that you really have to work on it because the patience, the amount of trust and sense of humor should be way up there to make it work. People in the office have caught me sneaking into the pantry, just to answer a call. We haven't fought about anything for the past few months. I'm hoping it's not just a stroke of luck. I'm hoping that we're finally learning to see how everything should be.

I was pretty honest. About the proposal, the job, my fears, my pains - I guess when it all boils down to it, when you get to talk about everything, there's some hope that things will go well.

I guess when God gives you a slightly sucky job, He gives you a greater perspective in life. I've been amazingly blessed with such an understanding boyfriend. I know, mushy crap I need to write. Someday, Jeoff's going to be thankful that I mentally note all of the kindness he has been showing me. Haha...Ok, so if he's reading this, you better be thankful! :D

For some reason, he remains to be the one I run to. Friends have failed me so much that it hurts to think that I should probably give up on trusting altogether. Somehow, he is still the one I long to speak with at the end of the day. Thank God I found my center.

Impossibility

I was being idle in the office when I decided to view my old emails.
I read the really really old ones. The ones where I was apologizing to a man I love sweetly and dearly. The ones where he wrote that he needs to be alone to find out who he is.



After he moved back to North York, I remember him calling me one day, when I was busy watching TV show on the Lifestyle Network with my mom, which we do often, although we both can't bake... It was ridiculous because all my senses came to life. It's as if everything I was hiding was awakened. He broke up with me and we kept in touch through email. I sort of started it, because I just "disappeared" from his life. I chose not to update my Friendster and deleted all blogs he might be able to find. I chose to be ungooglable (Read: No link on Google would ever be traced to me). So I sent him an email...saying hi generally. Back then, I was resigned that he would never be with me again. That he was in love with his ex and he would never choose me over her.

Well... 3 years later. Here we are. Sometimes, God gives you a miracle. I know He also can take it away. Now more than ever, I am reminded that people live such short lives. I only wish I can live a full one, being with him. I only wish he won't lose that love.