Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it. 

The iPod Game

I tend to torture myself with weird and vague questions about my life using my iPod. Today, I just uploaded a new playlist - the Sissy playlist. It's a collection of songs from boy bands - good, sad, painful and even funny ones.

Earlier today, Jeoff and I had the most painful fight ever. I just feel like he doesn't want to treat me fairly. He's an angry man. He believes to some extent that I ruined a possibly good wedding. That's beside the point though. In case you haven't been following what my life is about, that's okay. I don't really expect anyone to, considering half of my friends have probably given up on me.

Anyhow, this is going to be one huge word vomit so it better be at least over the top, cos it seems to be the running theme in my life. I think God is one mean DJ.

Yes, I play some stupid iPod game. Just now, I was relaxing in my room and decided to press shuffle on iTunes and asked God one random question. "What's gonna happen next?". It's so freakin' weird. Let me tell you what kind of songs I have on the Sissy playlist, alright?

1. On Bended Knee - It's from Boyz II Men which specialize in songs of regret...

Can we go back to the days our love was strong.Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? 

2. Four Seasons of Loneliness - Again some weird song from Boyz II Men that sings of four seasons of loneliness.

This loneliness has crushed my heart. Please let me love again. Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain. Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again... 

3. Total Eclipse of the Heart (by Glee) - Not that I had anything against the original version, I kind of needed a sissy playlist, remember? I had to go super ShowTunes by invoking the powers of Rachel Berry and the Kurt.

Once upon a time, I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart, nothing I can do... The total eclipse of the heart.

4. Everytime - From the Rhythm Nation diva, Janet Jackson. I badly wanted this song on my Sissy playlist cos it reminds me of High School and everything that was strange about it.

But everytime your love is near and everytime I'm filled with fear... cause everytime I see your face, my heart just begins to race everytime... 

5. Never Ever - This soulful song is from All Saints which may have been the basis for Val Kilmer's movie some odd years ago.

Never ever have I had to find, I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind. I've never had my conscience to fight. The way I'm feeling it just don't feel right. I'll keep searching deep within my soul, for all the answers. I don't want to hurt no more. 

6. Tearin' Up My Heart - Ok, this I don't have memorized. I remember it to be one of those break up songs too  from N'Sync.
7. Invisible Man from 98 Degrees - Yup, someone taken for granted.
8. All Rise - From Blue, which talked about universal love.
9. It's Gonna Be Me - From N'Sync again. Really freaky song about trying to win someone over and that the next time that girl will love again, it's gonna be them - sounds like a restraining order.
10. Other boy band and Glee songs that are bound to hurt you - Bad Romance, True Colors, My Confessions, Somebody to Love, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Amazingly, what I got was I Do, despite the fact that I was talking to God and asking for a sign as to what I need to do.

In case you've been living in a cave, this is the video for that damned song...

 

God is an unfair DJ. He kind of makes you hope for something you've always wanted. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Untitled

Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Enchanted

How does she know that you love her? It's funny cos the first time I saw this, I was with House. Me being Wilson, trying to be a good friend. It's showing on HBO as I type this entry. It's weird because I've never been a fan of either Amy Adams or McDreamy Patrick Dempsey but this film has made me realize a lot of the things I love about falling in love, about romance and reality. It's this film about a princess in an enchanted land who gets thrown into a well by an evil queen where she ends up in New York and in the home of a single dad and his daughter, Morgan.

When you think about it, romance is kind of like that. It is this enchanted and pristine princess that gets thrown in a well and ends up in the harsh reality of New York. In my case, it's the urban hub of Ortigas. Everyone has problems. Why sacrifice the good times for the bad? And so I end this entry with the one song that made me cry from this movie. Something that I feel everyday...

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close
We're so close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

No Fairytales

I will never let my children read fairy tales - ever! Especially when I have a daughter...

See, one of the things that fairy tales taught me was to hope for a prince in his shining silver armor, in his white horse to come and rescue me from everything that I am in. It seems that every woman in my age group still has that notion that someday, their princes will come.

Somehow, it's not good for the female psyche. It sucks that while most women have the ability to run Fortune 500 companies, or have the ability to perform as a hyphenate, they still have the notion that marriage is the finality of the race - IE: the finish line.

I saw my Tita the other day, and she stayed over for breakfast (french toast, wieners and fruit, thank you very much...), she asked me about my "marriage plans". I said I have a boyfriend and that we're very happy to which she prodded, "What, ayaw niya matali sa yo?" (Literal translation: "What, he doesn't want to be tied to you?")

The [roblem with "well-meaning relatives" is that they have the ability to make you feel less deserving than when you first started dating. When I was 24, I was being asked for a boyfriend. Now that I am 27, I am being asked for a husband. It's like no one wants to talk about how I single-handedly organized the training department of a young company and how I made sure that the training evaluation program was set in place. No one wants to talk about how I got off a car accident alive last year. No one wants to talk about how smooth my skin is thanks to the new Clean and Clear Refreshing Wash I use which is a steal at only Php 119.00. Everyone - well-meaning relatives or not, want to talk about how important marriage is, like I'll never get my happily ever after if I don't get married soon.

I smiled halfway through my delicious french toast (made with skimmed milk - thanks to how anal I am when it comes to cooking healthier food for my folks), and sat there - perplexed. I gave her the envelope she needed and proceeded to the dirty kitchen to smoke one good stick of cigarette.

While Cinderella might have been a non-smoker, the tar and coal and everything in that fireplace might have given her enough high for the days when she had to clean the fireplace. I thought about what my aunt said. And thought about why Jeoff doesn't want to marry me. It's just not time yet. I totally get that. It sucks because I see the logic in this whole waiting game. I just don't understand why sometimes, I'm gripped with fear that he will march off and leave.

Somehow, I get the idea. I understand that I'm not Rapunzel with the long hair, I'm not Snow White with the seven dwarves. I'm no Cinderella either. I'm just not a princess, and I'm not looking for a prince. I'm just a simple woman, who wants a simple man. But indeed, life is complicated. There's no happily ever after. There's work to be done after a relatonship comes alive - and you really have to do everything to make it happen.

The Sorry Song

For all I am worth, no matter how worthless it all seems...I am sorry. If I only had the power to hit rewind or erase the past, I would. But I can't. This is what happened and I am willing to take responsibility for all that is, and all that will be...

If only I could turn back time...

Losing Faith

Life has its limits...

Lyrics | If I Ever Lose My Faith In You lyrics

It was last March when I last saw Jeoff. It has been a good year and four months. Yesterday, we just spoke and for some reason, I've never felt more comfortable with him. He has been laughing at my jokes more, been more interested somehow in most of what I say. He has been patiently calling me despite the fact that I am just dead weight on my bed. It has been honestly, great! I mean people at work have been asking me how we make it work and all I keep saying is that you really have to work on it because the patience, the amount of trust and sense of humor should be way up there to make it work. People in the office have caught me sneaking into the pantry, just to answer a call. We haven't fought about anything for the past few months. I'm hoping it's not just a stroke of luck. I'm hoping that we're finally learning to see how everything should be.

I was pretty honest. About the proposal, the job, my fears, my pains - I guess when it all boils down to it, when you get to talk about everything, there's some hope that things will go well.

I guess when God gives you a slightly sucky job, He gives you a greater perspective in life. I've been amazingly blessed with such an understanding boyfriend. I know, mushy crap I need to write. Someday, Jeoff's going to be thankful that I mentally note all of the kindness he has been showing me. Haha...Ok, so if he's reading this, you better be thankful! :D

For some reason, he remains to be the one I run to. Friends have failed me so much that it hurts to think that I should probably give up on trusting altogether. Somehow, he is still the one I long to speak with at the end of the day. Thank God I found my center.

Saturned

This is a painting of Saturn, devouring one of his sons. It was when he learned his future. It was destined by the Fates... he will die when one of his sons eventually kill him. Supposedly, to prevent from his son killing him, he ate each one at the time of their birth. Goya painted this horrific abstract of Saturn devouring his child. Head and arm torn off, blood spewing. It was an extremely graphic imagery of how Saturn was driven to the point of insanity out of the fear of being killed. He chose to prevent it. He chose to destroy that which he initially held dear.

Saturn is the one in the astrological charts that keeps on bumping into your lucky stars on bad horoscope days. It gives you depression, isolation. It governs the house of emotions by repressing happiness and increasing intense negativity.

I have been living, governed by Saturn for a long time.

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming the damned star for whatever I'm going through. I just thought I'd start out with some weird icon that tends to define the state of mind I am in.

Just this week, I kind of learned exactly how much of a control freak I am. This is incredibly depressing, considering that I should have given up being the micromanaging bitch I am. Somehow, I can consider myself lucky because the man I gave my heart to didn't think I was too much of a scared control-freak to stick with me.

Like Saturn, fearing the future and imposing an incredibly horrible prevention plan became a cannibalistic and arduous task. It wreaked havoc with my mind and completely threw my relationship off with the man I hold dearly in my life. Metaphorically, I do tend to bite off and destroy something that seems to be working.

I guess it's something that people are so accustomed to doing.

Paranoia sets people off. It ticks them off and rubs them in the wrong places. It destroys the basic ability to trust in the goodness of a person's heart and intentions. And if you lose that hope, in humanity, in people, in the ones that you love, it's better to start living in a cave cos it's hard to get it back.

Pain damages your ability to feel. Supposedly, minor pain numbs you and desensitizes you. Your cells have a memory center somewhere in its mitochondrion (the powerhouse which houses the RNA and DNA centers of your cells). Your cells remember the pain and allows you to feel the pain prior to you actually feeling it. Somehow, allowing you to anticipate. For bigger and much major cuts and wounds, the theory is that the anticipation gets bigger. It is wider. The memory of the cells will be switching to maximum overdrive even prior to getting a stimulus.

Pain makes you do crazy things. But the fear of pain...? It makes you do something crazier.

It's almost impossible to live without fear but it's impossible to love in fear.

Engaged

I am not going crazy... but...
A few hours ago, I actually dreamed about something weird.
I dreamed that I was in this house a Spanish ancestral house with huge Capiz windows. I remember seeing rose petals everywhere. As if there was a romantic party... There was a wonderful buffet on an elongated table covered in white cloth.

I was walking towards the huge wooden stairs when I saw Jeoff walking with his ex-girlfriend. The ex looked amazing. She was wearing a red dress, tight against her body. It was silk. Very lavish. He was wearing a suit. And they were walking together. His arm held out like a military man, her elbow I'm sure, slightly hurting his side, but he seemed so happy....

I was wearing a white dress. Not a wedding dress, just something I might wear to a nice party. I remember him saying something like please go away. This is my engagement party.

I was turned away...

I wasn't crying or anything, but I grabbed his hand and gave him back the iPod he gave me. I was looking at his face. He seemed so different. His hair was different, his skin, his face... Yet he felt like Jeoff. I remember thinking that the man was not even Jeoff...

He yelled and said "Damn it, Meg, stop running after me..." He threw the iPod to me and it landed on my shoe. I then remember a slightly older woman dragging me away from Jeoff and the ex. She seemed so mad because she was grabbing my hair and digging her nails into my arm, so I won't go back to the stairs. Jeoff and his ex then started making their way back to the guests.

I don't understand what it means. I remember waking up and not feeling sad but angry. I was really angry. No, we haven't had a fight. And no, I don't doubt that he loves me so very much. He says so, and shows me how much he does love me. And what really struck me is how different he seemed. It was like looking at another man, and it felt so weird... because I recognize the ex-girlfriend's face. But I know it wasn't him. Maybe that's why I was mad. I was fuming mad because I was scratching and kicking and clawing to get back to him. It felt like I was in twilight zone. He felt so different. His hair, his face and his eyes. I mean, everything was different yet similar and familiar... it looks like him but it wasn't him, or it felt like him but it wasn't him. Hell, I know this post doesn't make sense. I just thought I'd write about this.

What's weirder is that my man just made me feel so special today. I don't doubt that he loves me. Nor do I doubt that he's over his ex. But wow, that was some dream.

Time of Your Life

They say that 26 is supposed to be the prime of my life.
Well here I am. Pushing that little tumbleweed to the corners of my mind, wondering if there will be a way to reconcile what I'm feeling and what I know.

I have been feeling incredibly stupid lately. Thanks to the idea that I'm supposed to be the training coordinator, I'm feeling like I need so much training that it should blow my mind. I've never been one to complain about training. Usually I get what the trainer means. But for some reason, Active Directory , Oracle and other Telco systems do not mesh well with the noodles in my brain. I have not been a very good pupil. I am not getting this. I'm not getting anything. I'm trying my very best, but man, is my brain fried or what?

So I'm also trying my very best to make my long distance relationship work. I'm a little worried because he's still not opening up. When I ask him about things, he seems still distracted and worried about something. I have absolutely no doubt that he loves and he's just sick of work, but I feel shut out of his life... completely and absolutely shut out of his life. Like I don't exist, and maybe it's better if I wasn't there, breathing down his neck about spending time with me and being with me. I'm thankful that I'm busy - with all this training crap. At least it gives me time to focus on my own crap. This is the problwm with me. I have to create drama in my own life so I don't create drama for him. Something incredibly pompous of me to do, because I need some direction, and some guidance in this relationship, and sadly, sometimes, I look towards the wrong people for advice.

The worst advice I've gotten so far? Get another job so you can focus on your own shit. See what happened?

There are a thousand things that I deserve right now. I'm only asking for three.

1. Good health and safety for my family and loved-ones , yes this include friends and Jeoff .
2. A very stable source of income
3. The ability to accept things as they come and not get incredibly fumed about it.

Zen moments tend to save you from long arguments and from stupid conversations. The ability to drown out white noise from the background is an amazing ability, and when you hear something you don't want to hear, the ability to pretend that you didn't hear it is so much better. Maybe I'm not asking for Zen moments. Maybe, I'm asking for the ability to lose my hearing. Or worse, the ability to feel anything more than what I feel now. If I'm always overwhelmed, nothing would be able to cause me so much pain.

Well, I'm 26 years old. Maybe it's not the time of my life yet. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the world isn't ready for me. I don't know. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I know I want to be good and complete before I marry the man of my dreams, who chooses to lessen his words, but not his love. I want to be ready for the world and all it has to offer. I am ready to be beaten but I am not giving up without a fight. I swear, even if this is the last thing I do.

Faith

What is faith?

faith
[feyth]
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
—Idiom
9. in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

[Origin: 1200–50; ME feith <>fed, OF feid, feit <>fidem, acc. of fidés trust, akin to fīdere to trust. See confide]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Looking back at my own definition, I always thought that it was to see the unseen, hear the unheard, feel the unfelt...

to see the unseen
to hear the unheard
to feel the unfelt

yes, you asked me to wait.
and gladly i will...
i am relinquishing all control
so i can gain the moment i lost
i am giving up power
so i can change the future

fight for me
want me so badly that you will head onto the war without qualms or fears
look for me
in your life
in the now
in the future
resist your demons
so you can hold me close

i choose to be
now choose for me

such is my faith

i am blind
i am deaf
i am heartless

but now, i see
now i hear
now i feel
and yes, eventually, i want to live
i want to love

only you

Fallen Angel Alterni

Well, now I know... I think I understand what faith is...
It's the ability to understand without asking.

Goodbyes

I just did nothing, chose to be idle for today. I just woke up. I haven't taken a shower and this feeling comes over... Like I have to be online.

It was my last day in ITI. Being part of this company, I chose to stay invisible. It wasn't easy. I'm not gonna launch into a whole gamut of nostalgic goodbye quotes, nor am I gonna say anything about being alone. I am alone. Always. All I have is myself to deal with my feelings. All I have is myself to depend on when I'm not feeling well.

I have never been a fan of the word "opening up", yet lately, I've been doing a lot of that. To Cara, to Mylene, to Gaius, heck even to Jerome and Paolo. Justin, I have asked to take care of me when I need a drink so badly. I guess it goes without saying, I have made friends and I don't understand this feeling that I'm trying to protect myself from.

I didn't cry yesterday. Leaving my station felt like I was gonna be back. I chose not to get any of the materials I made for my students. It's theirs. It's the company's property. I felt very composed, as I always do.

There's always so much punishment in crying. Your body clams up, your face heats up and you lose so much water just letting tears flow. There's always too much emotion involved... Your heart valves constrict a bit and so does your throat. The whole process is a drag. It doesn't allow you to speak or to reason. Someone once told me that crying is a sign that you are human. That you are real... You see things for what and who they are. Then after, you can expect a feeling of relief. A real and honest-to-goodness feeling of relief.

I am still not feeling that relief. I'm gonna miss them all. I'm gonna miss them all...

Mirrors

I had a very long talk with A*ya earlier. It was a wonderful talk. She too, has a loved-one, waiting for her. They have been together for a year and it has been the most wonderful relationship she's ever had.

She asked me if I ever get emotional about being separated from my loved-one.

I thought for a moment and said "No...". I regretted it the moment I said it because I know it isn't true. The pain of being away from someone you love, something we can share... I just didn't know how I'll be perceived. I automatically followed it up with "Yes.. It hurts."

I can see her tearing up because she felt the same pain. Same agonizing pain that comes with every moment that you don't have the one you love beside you. It kills you but it makes you long for another day, so that you can be with the one you love. I sincerely felt her pain. While our situations may not be the same, I know she felt the hurt in my voice as I felt hers. We kept on talking about love and hurting and being away. I told her my story, about not being able to leave and she told me her situation too. I told her my ideas, my thoughts, how being apart would crush you but you have to be stronger. How you commit everyday to the person you love because love is a commitment. It's not something that fleets or flakes out at the first sign of danger.

To me, she was glowing. I can see love radiating from her eyes. She would talk about him in the brightest context. With laughter to match... Pictures to show... It was beautiful. I think it is one love story I would like to hear of... I hope they do end up being together. I hope they do have children someday. I see her smiling at every mention of his name. Or how he would be wither her child. Or how wonderfully sweet and mature he is.

I didn't have to look into a mirror to see what was going on with me. In her eyes, I saw me, and in my eyes, she saw herself. And there is no mirror more powerful than that.

Questions

Today, I was subjected to a lot of questions.

Mainly from my learners. Poor innocent learners that have no idea why I am leaving the company. I was asked so many questions, offered jobs that I had no idea how to do and also some quite err... indecent proposals? Haha! There comes a time in a woman's life that she would have to choose between an aging German guy who probably walks around with a cane and a slightly naughty upbeat woman who has lesbian tendencies. I chose none. Thanks very much though.

It was nice feeling wanted and appreciated at work.

I tend to be a pragmatist in dealing with loss and/or opportunities. Emotions don't seem to catalyze anything for me. I am always the one making choices, except for when I am feeling maternal. Or broken-hearted. Or both... But talking about emotions, I feel them curdling inside me, wanting to break free.

Why is it that now that everything is set, I feel so scared to touch the ground?

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Maybe it's because all of a sudden, I feel incompetent. I feel powerless. I am suddenly scared that I'll f*ck up and I would have no one else to blame but me.

I am hired to take the driver's seat. I am hired because I can change a company, because I make things happen, because I can train 150 people all at the same time at night and manage working tools and CRM softwares during my lunch hour and make it on time for a 9:30 AM client call. Because I am a micromanaging corporate b*tch and bosses love that. What the hell am I so scared of?

I am scared of all these changes. So terrified of something real that for the first time in my life, I might not know how to handle. Did I mention I was hired to take the driver's seat? That was what the Managing Director said. He said I was supposed to drive. The direction, I probably know. How, I have no idea. I only have my brain to work for me now.

If I was to strategically design a 2-year plan of action for this people using a RACI diagram, I'd be sure to include everyone - the more the merrier? The less of an A I am (that's accountable to you...silly!). If I was to create SWOT Analyses for every project then the weaknesses would always include "lack of time" or " inability by A to provide possible solutions and/or compromises". Every facilitator's guide in that office will contain only two terminal objectives:

1. To be able to learn all concepts
2. To be able to apply said concepts

None of those would be SMART objectives if I were to sum it up in a CSS code showdown among my helpdesk analysts.

I know everything I need to do. What am I so scared about?

I need to get the scaries off my head before I even start f*cking up my newfound career.

Year 2007 (According to My Blog)

It's my countdown to 2008.

Got this one from Kcajcauorek

Copy and paste the first paragraph (well in my case, had to choose a couple or so) from your first entry of each month this past year. What better way to sum up your year and make a countdown to '08!

January 2007

I had a great time just vegging out. I am sooo laaazy! Oh god, I think I gained 50 pounds just by not doing anything... well, not entirely true. I was a bit busy researching for my article. And guess what? I get to do another one! I'm so happy! My article actually got published! People really pay to see my crap! And guess what? It's not any kind of nonsence that I used to do. Dear, this is a parenting article! A parenting article that is all about keeping your family close. I can't believe that I actually can write. Haha!

February 2007

i'm sad today. don't ask me why, it's just a general feeling of sadness. i am a bit depressed. i know it seems silly, feeling this way when there's nothing to feel sad about. i guess that's why journals were always there to begin with... to record and recap what happened in your life and for you to learn from it.

i forbade myself to cheer myself up today. i woke up feeling all the damned injustice done to me today, intentional or unintentional, felt or forgotten. it is just one of those days to reflect and to casually go through the motion of being me.

March 2007

so my hunny is here. i am as usual, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit rattled but more so, very happy that he's finally here. he's not staying for good. he's just here for a few days. i know... just a few days? well, i don't mind. as long as i can make him happy for a few days, that's all that really matters to me at this point. last night, i closed my eyes to a bright night, with a silvery moon and some stars. nope, i wasn't camping out. i opened my window to see the moon shining so brightly.

all i could do right now is wish that everything will be alright. he wouldn't think i'm a fugly biatch, or that i'm some weird psycotic looney case, or that i'm some weird she-devil brought out by the devil to torture him.

April 2007

it's over. no more hoping, no more wishing, no more dreaming of this man.

how did i realize it? how did i come to this conclusion?

i was walking in the grocery aisle sunday evening. i hate shopping in the afternoon, because there would be a lot of people there. so, i usually do my grocery shopping at night. thank god malls near my place are open til 10PM. i saw a couple. the guy was holding up a cantaloupe for his wife, who seems to be ready to give birth. the girl kind of looks like me. fair-skinned, a bit chubby, thanks to the pregnant belly. the guy looks a bit like him. a little tan, stocky... seems like someone you could run to for comfort. i just looked at them transfixed. i started shaking. before i realized it, i was tearing up. i looked away and went to the poultry section. it seems surreal, but i started noticing. every damned couple that was passing me by. someone was looking at me like they recognized me, someone seemed like they wanted to talk with me... a woman even looked at her boyfriend or husband and whispered. i think tears were starting to fall. and i was in the poultry section. that was extremely pathetic, even for me.

May 2007

i hurt someone badly today. and you know what hurts more? it wasn't that i hurt him. it was like i didn't feel anything. i let a man who could have been everything walk away with nothing. and i didn't feel anything.

i cried sure... but it was very menial, almost superficial. i was happy. i was excited. i was free again.

and then the man i love sends me a message. and the tears keep flowing again... every word, every single line, every apology, every nuance cuts through me like a knife. and i've never been happier.

and i've never been more alive...

June 2007

choose me...

people fall out of love because they choose to...people get scared of the future because of what they choose over things that should be there...people get lost because they never choose the right way.

i can make you happy. i can make you real. i can make everything happen in a few months if i my see that you see my worth, my truth, my beauty.

choose the pleasure, choose the pain

for now...

i promise to make you happy only if you let me

July 2007

Is it possible to miss someone this much?

Sometimes, I wish I can unlove someone just a little. Because somehow, the pain of the distance is killing me.

I'll be home soon. I'll be with you again. Back in your arms. Hearing your heart beating, that when I know I'm home. That's when I know I hear you. Feel you. I want to be home... I want to go home now.

August 2007

What are insights?

They are nothing but mere opinions. Free and cheap. Comes with a functional brain. Comes with a fancy package courtesy of words and deep melancholia and nostalgia that matters not to people who listen to it.

September 2007

I started out in this company wanting to disappear due to the incredible pressure I felt from all the other companies I have ever worked for. I remember trying to pirate someone from this company... Wanting that person to work with me, not as a subordinate, but as an associate, because I needed someone strong in my company. The universe didn't smile upon that chance of working together. The universe seemed to have another thing in mind. I quit my job and decided to go back to school and start my very own drug distribution company. That person, in turn, decided to ask me if I would be interested in doing this job while earning my masters in Toxicology. It seems like yesterday.

October 2007

Yes... I have fallen prey to the snazzy advertising and the cheesy theme about connecting to loved-ones abroad. Aren't we all suckers for that whole crap about connecting to people you care for the most?! At one point or another, you only want to make your life easier, hence my need to have internet connection at home.

I have been a loyal consumer of this broadband company. In fact, I was one of the oldest customers of this brand. Ever since they started their campaign, I have been loyally paying my bills, lining-up to get decent customer service and yes, even commenting on their forums. I even have a friend who works for them!


November 2007

It has always been postulated that the answer to life's questions can be figured out using a mathematical equation. A highly complicated one, if you ask me. It goes beyond triangulation of quadratic equations and breaks even the Mobius Strip. I'm guessing it has all the weird snake signs (What I call the Calculus symbol for integration, the elongated S?) and the function goes beyond negative infinity (yes, people, it exists).

People somehow define infinity as a number, actually, it's a mathematical law that numbers never cease, and that anywhere in this universe, you're bound to deal with numbers. Mauk Escher (MC Escher) even made tons of money trying to depict the concept of infinity. And he uses the Mobius strip to somehow capture the idea that something is never broken, and that it all exists as one whole band that is 3 dimensional and unbreakable.

December 2007

Ok, my bad... my recent fascination of all the applications on Facebook rendered my blog almost useless. I haven't had the chance to actually get into my blog and do some major blogging. I blame my apparent lack of self-control when it comes to my affairs. Hehe...

So what has been happening. Hmn... I have the Christmas Party to worry about this weekend. I wonder what I should dress up as. I'm also thinking of totally just vegging out on a Saturday instead of partying. I'm just not in a very partying mood lately. It's supposed to be a hat day for everyone. I wonder what hat I should wear. Justin (the tall one) said he'd come as a mime. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea since no one seems notice a mime. I'd just sit down and smoke, or wait for a few hours to go by until it's time to come home.

Fear

Fear is an emotion that makes us blind. How many things are we afraid of? We're afraid to turn off the lights when our hands are wet. We're afraid to stick a knife into the toaster to get the stuck English muffin without unpluggin it first. We're afraid of what the doctor may tell us when the physical exam is over; when the airplane suddenly takes a great unearthly lurch in midair. We're afraid that the oil may run out, that the good air will run out, the good water, the good life. When the daughter promised to be in by eleven and it's now quarter past twelve and sleet is spatting against the window like dry sand, we sit and pretend to watch Johnny Carson and look occasionally at the mute telephone and we feel the emotion that makes us blind, the emotion that makes a stealthy ruin of the thinking process.
-Stephen King, Nightshift (Published 1978, Foreword section)

I have to be honest. I am usually an orthodox scaredy cat with all sorts of fears in my mind. Sometimes, I still drive myself crazy, scared of how and why everything seems so perfect when it should be screwed up, and how and why everything seems so screwed up when it should be perfect. I am afraid of a whole lot of things. Things that might seems incredibly petty and simple. Things like being late for work, being caught in a web of lies made by supposed friends, being sucked into a relationship that might not have any meaning to the person you have loved for so long... I'm scared of losing friends, losing family members, losing loved-ones, losing my mind, losing what little intelligence I have, losing my confidence because of a stupid mishap that can't be avoided, losing a fight that I have long prepared for, losing ground, losing my edge, losing something I have.

They say that fear is an emotion that makes you go blind. It also makes you deaf, mute and unbelievably stupid.

People say that it is only fear that you should fear. Everything else must be faced with open arms. Anything unknown is an adventure. Anything new is fair game. Anything undiscovered must be explored and conquered, like a new land... a new treasure... a new opportunity.

I had a nightmare last night. How apt, I just finished watching "Nightmare Before Christmas".

I sincerely can't remember having nightmares. Apparently, I have had some before. It wasn't as one could imagine it to be. It was surreal. It wasn't monsters, or demons. It was amazingly human and distinctly very medical.

I slept at 5 in the morning earlier. Not wanting to miss a movie, and not wanting to lay off the Christmas merriment. No, I wasn't eating. I wasn't drinking. I was smoking, but only a couple of sticks. And no, I wasn't even taking anything - not even vitamins!

I remember dreaming about someone, who I can't remember. I can see myself in my couch, falling asleep. I can hear the same people partying outside our house (the community sponsors a street party every year). I distinctly remember feeling like I'm trying to wake up. Wanting to scream but can't... I can remember attempting three times and not succeeding. I remember hearing someone say "turn, goddamnit". I remember breathing hard. I remember the feeling that my chest was on fire and my whole body going clammy and cold. I could feel my veins being drained of blood. And how, I can't describe, perhaps cos I lack the words. I can even remember being air-light... like dancing on air. I remember screaming with no sound. My hands on my face, scratching like crazy that had I moved my fingers through my face that way, I would have wounded and gouged my eyes. I can never forget wanting so badly to scream and not being able to, wanting so badly to wake up and I can't.

I heard a voice saying "You'll never wake up. You'll never wake up." then I heard someone laughing.

I kept turning, i know I did! And it wasn't working. My whole body was paralyzed.

Finally, I clutched my foot on my lighter and I felt my foot turning. I gasped for air and woke up, finally. I was so scared. So frigging cold, I grabbed my jacket and just sat perplexed for a good 15 minutes. I was alone downstairs, so no one was there to see how shaken up I was. I can feel blood rushing to my whole body. Warm blood rushing to my legs, then to my tummy, then to my arms and fingers. I felt my head warming up and in a few minutes, I felt my clammy skin warm up, flushing. I ran to the restroom to look at the mirror. My face was so red. My chest was burning. I can feel my heart pounding so hard.

I ran to the kitchen and got a teaspoon of sugar. I gulped it all. This was my grandma's cure-all. Moments later, I sank into the couch again. Unable to move or so anything. It felt so supernatural and surreal. Like some force was holding me down. Also, it felt so medical because I know from school how a person with SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome) dies. They die from cardiac arrest in their sleep. Their blood drains to a specific place, like their spleen or their pancreas and their whole body gasps for fuel. Blood needs to redistribute quickly so their hearts won't give out.

The sugar worked.

It made me feel lulled.

Minutes later, I turned the TV on.

I called my hunny. Spared him the details though. My tummy still hurts. My heart still pounding as we spoke.

I haven't slept since. I think I'm going to sleep tomorrow morning, when everyone's awake.

Now I'm scared.