Against All Types of Odds

Since I'm bound to make a complete idiot of myself on this post, I might as well go all the way. This is a recorded song of what I really feel right now. It's one of those moments where I need to write what I feel. And if you don't agree, I'm sorry, but you've been forewarned. 

There's so much to figure out when you're alone. The idea is that someone is always there, someone will always love you and someone will always be there to protect you. When I recently got sick, I realized that unlike most people, I don't really have a lot going on for me. No classmates pinged me, no teacher was on the phone, figuring out what the heck was happening to me, no officemates or bosses were on the phone wondering if I needed an extra lung and yes, wait for it, no boyfriend was on the phone or at my doorstep wishing I was going to get better. 

Over the past few days I've been in bed, praying to get better, I have had one constant contact and he's someone I used to be in love with. Somehow, somewhere, it sucks cos he's truly the only one that knew me, that really understood the inner machinations of my mind and somewhat took into consideration my happiness.   No one really has tried to do that for me, and I was, still am, grateful. 

It sucks not to have him in my life, but his life has no room for me now. I'm no one to him and he should be no one to me. I should find the next guy in my life and be a good girlfriend to someone else. Maybe in time, that person will know me, will make all types of effort to understand me and be with me. 

"Take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here. You coming back to me is against the odds and it's a chance I have to face..." 

Heartless

My friends all believe one thing - they think I'm heartless. I'm tough as nails. People I grew up with all believe that I am a corporate magnate with only one thing in mind - progress. I have to be honest, I am very task-oriented. I am very decisive and if I put my mind to it, I am bound to do it. With or without help from anyone. 

The one thing I have stopped doing since my break-up with Jeoff was to cry publicly. I didn't meet up with anyone to cry about anything. There were two major instances though that prompted me to call someone. I literally broke down over the phone, but because it was a phone conversation, I chose to let it all out, not hold anything back. I think if I saw anyone in person, I would not have been able to really say what I wanted to say. I wouldn't have been able to cry. I wouldn't have been able to do anything except smile and pretend I'm fine. 

It's so easy to wear a mask. Why do you think I wear contact lenses? When no one sees my eyes, no one can figure out what I really feel. They'll feel a little bit of it if I'm quiet or sad or angry, but no one knows how much emotion I really feel. Everyone's life revolves around their own world and I am sick and tired of taking the spotlight away from anyone. It's their turn now. 

A friend and I went to dinner tonight. She had a rebound affair and was very bothered with what her friends enumerated as her faults during the said rebound affair. There is only one thing I know for sure...no one has the right to tell her that it's enough, or that she shouldn't hope or that she made a mistake when it comes to her love life. That's her universe, after all. No one can claim that they know the answers or that they have the final say on what should be done. There's so much to hold on to when it comes to love, so much to hope for and yet, so much to be cynical about. 

The same way no one has the right to tell me that I should date or find someone or just simply "get over it". They didn't feel my pain, they didn't feel my anguish, they didn't toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night to beg God to change my ex' mind. They didn't think of death as the only way to stop and avoid the pain. They didn't have to make peace with each and every contractor I spent time with to plan for my wedding. They didn't see my mother and father's faces when they told me it's alright and that I'll be fine. They didn't see me cry over and over again, everyday from June until September, not sleep, not eat, not care about the way I look, not care about anything anymore. 

So am I as tough as nails when I say there's nothing for me out there? I haven't even begun to date anyone and already, I feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself. Primarily cos I think there are men out there that can be fun, amazing and great but may not be interested in someone like me. 

I have given the best years of my life to someone who chose to leave me, what makes me think someone out there will be able to look past the neuroses and take my hand and say he wants me for a lifetime? I don't have regrets because I was extremely happy with him and I learned so much from the relationship but I sincerely wish sometimes that he had told me that he doesn't think he and I would work out from the beginning. He did, but he continually kept coming back and kept asking me back. I should have known I wasn't the one from the get-go, but I am allowed innocence and ignorance at least once in my life. 

I have seen it happen a thousand times. I have seen people fall in love. I have seen people look into each others' eyes and see a semblance of a future. I don't see it. Why can't I see it for me? Why am I so scared that it won't happen when I used to not care? 

Maybe the answer is I'm not heartless. 

Propinquity

I spent the other day with a guy I haven't seen for two years. His name is Jerome. He used to work with me in GoFluent and is so much younger than I am. It was spontaneous, have coffee and just hang cos he's studying for a client meeting. But of course, along the lines of talking, venting and bitch brewing about working, we had to talk about love, and life and breaking up and other things... 

He taught me the meaning of this word without so much as batting an eyelash. Propinquity. An age-old social science concept that makes me cringe because I hate subjectivity but nevertheless, astounds me. How many people in the world can you actually say you have propinquity with? 

There's just much to ponder. Why is it that people fall for someone whom they have something in common with? At the beginning of the relationship, you always tend to look for something in common, something that bonds you, something that unravels the person in front of you... 

Just yesterday, I spent time with Drei and Yogi. Drei himself being a victim of a long-term relationship break-up. That was propinquity. He loves documentaries, likes the Discovery shows, watches How I Met Your Mother religiously, drinks, smokes, born in August, intellectual, close to his immediate family, loves his friends and has common friends with me - PROPINQUITY. So what makes me not want to jump him? PROPINQUITY. Common friends, common issues, common baggage = more stress. 

The thought alone makes me want to question what the science of attraction is from the get-go. What is it that makes someone so irresistible that he/she/it would be the one? 

What exactly makes you want to fall for someone? And fight for it? 

The other day, the random man that I was in a flirtation (yeah, let's call it that, cos what the hell was it, right?!) with for 2 months has called it quits. He decided to date someone. He wants something serious which I can never (not now, maybe next year?) provide. I can give him all the coffee, ciggies, support, talking and even sexy times he wants but not what he may really want.  I decided to think that it's good for him because he is a good man, a very responsible and honest and wonderful (and oh my God, very sexy - damn!!) man. But my ego can't help but be offended by what happened. I was pretty close. Propinquity was there. Same thing - same baggage (his GF left him), same things we like (coffee and talk), same concerns (we haven't had sex for a while) and well, common fears (being the rebound person, among others). But he chose someone else, I guess someone with a clean slate with no onerous and ominous past. Should I have lied and said I was not in pain? Should I have lied and said I can be his everything? Should I have told him I loved him and made love to him even when I can't and couldn't? What is the basis of my propinquity with this man? If heartaches and break-ups were the only things we had in common (yeah, I think it was...in hindsight), why and how did we get pulled to each other? Was it just for physical reasons? (Yes, yes, in my mind, I am sexy too! PROPINQUITY!!! Damn it!). I think yeah... and along the lines, I misread and chose to ignore subtle signs that could make it work. 

I'm going to admit to only one thing and one thing alone... no matter what people say. I miss him, damned it. Fuck propinquity. 

Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Maya Angelou's Still I Rise

Just needed some form of inspiration for today. I look to Maya Angelou for such inspiration and courage...

Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Beautiful Nightmare

Ok, so the tests were normal. I'm so thankful. The ultrasound turned out to be a good test after all. It showed a section of my breasts - axilla, lobules, almost everything that I was worried about. It's good that:

1. There were no lumps/bumps or bruises in them.

2. It showed me how much fat I had in my breasts

Haha! Ok, not exactly medical in my sense. I am trying to cut back on lots of fat. Less sodium, less carbs as well. I had a great awakening. It's scary to be fat nowadays, lots of pain in my back and I really wish my HMO would cover breast reduction surgery. I just saw a woman in TheDoctors episode crying cos she can't open the pantry cupboards cos her breasts get in the way. I don't want to be like that...

I think sometimes, people can obsess so much about death when they haven't really started living. I was so scared I was gonna die that I was convinced that I was indeed, about to. The pain was sort of a manisfestation of what I was feeling inside. I was in a tremendous amount of stress. Everything was such a pain. It was a pain getting up in the morning and a pain to go home at night. I was always pretty casual with my time, giving it freely to whomever needs it. Now, I need to relax and really prioritize things that matter to me. I know it sounds crazy to admit this, but as a manager - I suck at prioritizing. People do feel, probably, that I'm there all the time, but in all honesty, sometimes, I am just a shell of who I am.

I can't keep on taking on people who assign me their peace of mind. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming that it has gotten to the point that it can cause severe breast pain.

Untitled

Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...

Use Somebody

I am all alone on a Sunday night. It's rainy, cool, soft and depressing... I am watching the TV downstairs with my laptop on a pillow. I got so bored of playing with my pets on FB... I want to rest but I am too wired to do that. I'm waiting for HBO to show The Fast and the Furious. Watching Vin Diesel and treating him like eye candy won't hurt so badly today. 

Jeoff is in the US, visiting some relatives. He'll probably be back Monday night. I really, really wish he is in Toronto, so I can at least call him and talk to him. Honestly, I have been daydreaming that he will be knocking on my front door, white roses and all. It's a little crazy, I know. It's my dream of becoming Meg Ryan - some guy breathlessly whispering how much he loves me, rain pouring on us, and we passionately end in a fiery kiss. It's kind of crazy to sometimes want a prince to ride his white horse and sweep my off my feet. I bet no one really thinks of that. Oh but I do, sometimes. I really sometimes wish that he would actually surprise me - be home, be with me, in my house, in my arms and breathe the same air I am breathing. Fat chance - we do't have enough money and he can't just take a vacation...Oh well... Let's be realistic... 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend who lives here, in Manila. Someone who I can talk to over the phone without worrying about local call charges, someone who can very well ride a cab in the middle of the night when I feel like having ice cream at 4 in the morning, someone who can go to church with me on Sundays and can enjoy a good family meal with my folks and someone who I can make love to - physically, not just say it, but really do it... someone that can kiss me, hold my hands and really gaze into my eyes... Would we last? Would we enjoy each others' company? 

People don't really understand the machinations of a woman in a long distance relationship. People have always told me that LDRs fail. And people who come of LDRs tend to be bitter and fall into the same cycle. I have known so many women who have had their hearts broken cos they let their men go into war, work or another woman's arms a hundred miles away. I myself sometimes don't know how I stay sane and alright... It seems like my whole life (24 years, thank you very much!), I have waited for someone who will love me right, and love me truly. Now that I found him, he has to be snatched away from me by fate. It is immensely painful, almost unbearable especially on night like this when it's raining, dark and cold...

Good Girls Go Gaga

I don't really know why for some reason, I am loving this song. I don't intend to go bad anytime... nor do i have thoughtless friends. Just that it's stuck in my head for some reason...

I have come to a few realizations for my birthday and funny thing is, I don't really want to share them verbally. Better do it through my blog. Crazy...

   1. I don't process raw food...
   2. For some reason, I have come have aches and pains all over - I now use a bottle of wintergreen oil to get rid of back pains. Weird.
   3. I am crazy in love with nerds - Jeoff, Chuck and well, Superman - ultimate geek right? Lolz...
   4. I like Ube-flavored ice cream... Pretty crazy but I like it.
   5. I listen to Lady Gaga and I am not ashamed of it. Haha!
   6. I play Facebook games to escape reality - reality being deadlines, admin work and tons of crazy shit in the office.
   7. I am not meant to be in the political arena.
   8. I hate conniving and manipulative bitches who think they can get away with anything by raising their voices, flirting, showing cleavage and pretending they know all about Six Sigma Management Principles.
   9. Someday, justice will fall swift on people who owe me big time...
  10. I really want to get married, have kids and become a good wife and mother. I know no one sees me as that, considering how cutthroat I am but dear gawd, I'd bawl over for an opportunity to become Mrs. Jeoff Francisco now. I miss him.

Considering my top 10 list, I have to ask how people perceive me. I really have come to a point where I don't care. There are a lot of idiots out there and the only thing that matters to me is my family, who really should know me and who really should understand me. No one else needs to know who I am and what I am about except the people that matter. This is my bad phase I guess. I have been such a good girl for so long. People always need to be pleased but honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm turning 28. It's now or never...

Yellow Ribbon

It's one of the saddest, most affecting news of our time. Former President Cory Aquino, democracy fighter, mother of Noynoy, Kris, Pinky and Ballsy, advocate of peace, yellow lady, died a few days due to colon cancer. I grew up with Tita Cory being the president of the Philippines. I grew up watching documentary after documentary of every coup attempt there was to oust a woman president. I grew up believing, because this frail-looking woman became president, that I too, can become someone powerful and influential someday.

The theme I posted here was the proverbial them song of her regime - the yellow ribbon that became the symbol of EDSA, the culmination of the power of the masses that rose against the military rule, the tie that bound the Catholic Church, the new government and the ordinary people, under the foot of an Immaculate Conception statue in the long, winding road of EDSA.

This news has totally overshadowed the GMA state visit to the Obamas'. When GMA delivered her self-serving SONA, GMA primarily boasted of her invitation to the White House - being the first ASEAN leader to be invited to the White House. Tsk tsk... And while she claims that her need to sympathize with the Aquino family is not driven by her political motives, it seems to be so. It always is, and it always will be.

A few hours ago, I watched a long and winded TV telecast featuring Gen. Biazon and his cohorts De Villa and a few other military men who have stood with Tita Cory at the time of the 9 coup attempts. Tina Monzon-Palma who, once being with the TV network GMA-7, came to be a bit too harsh in dealing with Biazon - and interrogated him regarding the take-over of the media stations n the country. Other coup attempts include RAM and the other militant groups. Rehashing the past won't bring Tita Cory back. However, memories tend to haunt us and make us realize that today was not any different from yesterday. We still have coup attempts, we still have mass disorder and anarchy among the masses and even the military. We have never learned our lesson as a country. Sadly, the death of one person does not a chapter conclude. We need to believe in ourselves as a country and fight for what is right.

It goes back to the yellow ribbon. Do we as a country really understand the significance of a yellow ribbon? It's not to be used to mourn Tita Cory's death or to celebrate her life. It's not an FB profile picture to show the world that you are well-versed with the new...It is the bond that ties every Filipino to each other--rich or poor, old or young, educated or otherwise.. we fight for democracy, for goodwill, for peace, for great intentions, for equality, for human rights, for order and for the life that each and everyone has right now...

In an Octopus' Garden

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog. Several things have happened.

Michael Jackson, King of Pop, is dead. I grew up listening to MJ. I was 9 0r 10 when I first saw MJ in his Thriller video, and I was terrified. I then saw so much more from MJ - Bad, Billie Jean and I was enthralled by how he sang and danced. I remember thinking that he looks like Erika Eleniak from Baywatch when he did the Black and White video. I also remember wanting to get tickets for a concert he had here in the Philippines. I also stayed up late to watch his documentary as done by Martin Bashir (who has recanted, what a d-bag!). A lot of people still look up to this dude despite the eccentricity. Oh well, we love the music, we love the icon, and we all love the stories... MJ will be missed - I will miss him.

Perez Hilton has claimed that Will I Am from The Black Eyed Peas has hit him. One gay dude calling a black guy a "fag" hence the retaliation from Will I Am's posse. Tsk tsk... Gays discriminating against their own... what has the world come to?!

Cory Aquino has been bed-ridden for days in the hospital. I just saw some ads about people joining a mass in the Sts Peter and Paul Chapel in Makati with satellite churches all over the Philippines holding a mass for her healing. I remember Kris tearfully (in her colegiala accent) thanking the masses for their support for her "mum". For some reason, because of Kris I guess, I feel very little sympathy for Cory. True, she supposedly changed the history of the Philippines but as of late, she has been like a pendulum, swinging from one side to another in terms of politics. I do hate people suffering, but for some reason I don't feel the urge to light a candle to wish for Cory's health. Maybe if I know for a fact that my future kids don't have to suffer paying hiked up taxes that her family and their cronies enjoy so much of.

Well, on to me...

I am dead tired. SDM hired a Korean guy that isn't technical AT ALL so I have to train him on the basics - even saving files or like shortcust like Ctrl-A or Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V. Ohhhh dear! I am feeling the stress, and the pain and yes, the need to make the Korean dude ready for the floor but OMG! I doubt that he will be.

I am scheduled to go back to school tomorrow. Back to SSHS (yes, HS was a bit of hell for me...) but this time for a really great cause - I am Ela's godmother. I got her a wonderful watch (the one for kids) from Blueberry which is a local brand for watches. I also got her a 100% cotton quilt and bolster. I got her a blue set though. I wanted her to appreciate all colors, I think I never see that kid in any other color but pink. LOL!

I woke up crying earlier. I feel so bad. I can't even begin to tell people about it. I'm so depressed - just ridiculously depressed. I am beyond words - beyond sadness. I wish I had more time to explore my feelings but I really don't. I had to get up and just put on my shirt and jeans to get something from the mall before it closes. I'm so alone. I do feel alone. This is something no one probably wants to think of, but when it comes down to what I do, where I go, I do feel ridiculously alone. I shop alone, cook alone, eat dinner alone, I primarily sit down only with my thoughts. Wish I can just release all these feelings.

I miss being part of a couple. I really miss holding someone's hand and looking into someone's eyes. I miss him.

Contented

I've been crazy for Kris Allen for sometime now, since watching the American Idol Season Finale. This is one of his songs - Ain't No Sunshine. It's a really beautiful song about not having sunshine til the one you love comes to you.

Lately, it's been a weird and crazy ride. I have to admit that there are times when I feel like everything is still surreal. In retrospect, nothing really prepares you in terms of love and loss and even committing. The funny part is that there is no freakin' manual for falling so deeply in love. It strikes you at the most inopportune time and grips at you so tightly, it won't matter where it drags you to.

I realized that in this life, you have a thousand choices. You can choose your own ambitions, your own inhibitions, you can even choose your own deviations. In my case, I chose my emotions. I remember being so driven by power and needing so much more and now, I can honestly say that I am finding love to be an equally potent drive for me. It becomes your day-to-day fix.

Why am I blogging about something I claim to be true a few months ago? Because I feel myself slipping. A few weeks ago, Jeoff and I would have terrible fights - leaving me depressed, angry and wanting to get back at him. I can't really say what's wrong. It was probably the fact that everything seems out of my control. I hate my job because I can't have full control over it. I hate my life cos I can't even freakin' control what time I would wake up. I was constantly late in waking up (thank goodness for having a flexible schedule!) and I would always wake up angry and depressed and wanting to kick myself for a bad night or a bad sleep or having a bad dream that I can't remember. I felt like I needed an exorcist last week. I'm sure if Jeoff was to be asked, he wanted to drag me to a psychiatric ward. My addiction to control. I forgot how to be Zen and how to be relaxed about what I wanted and what I needed.

I had a heated confrontation with my new boss, her name is Lucy. I have been losing interest in my job for over a few months now. And if you follow my tweets (Yup, I have joined the Twitterverse), it always talks about how I hate my job, how my job discourages me and demotivates me to high heavens. And so on...

The problem is that Lucy is managing our team while moonlighting as an SDM (Service Delivery Manager). That or she's an SDM moonlighting as a Service Implementation Manager. Since I head training, I was naturally the choice to work on that particular campaign (the one she works for as an SDM). Problem is it's remote, it's too far away, I can't just pop in and out of the country just because I have to work on it. Furthermore, the company doesn't intend to lose money. Also, the client for that campaign has these impossibly strict rules of confidentiality that our company seems to want to uphold without putting their foot down on the way our company operates. Anyhow, I'm actually going to let it go because my life shouldn't revolve around a freakin' job. It should be about something I really want to do. I should start doing something I like, find a cause or work on something artistic.

Work should just be work. I should be contented with what I have. :)

Maddening World

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly sad. I don't really know why or what for, just have been deeply sad. Like a deep, hollow feeling that I can't shake off. I don't really understand what I am going through, maybe this is what they call "organic depression", I don't really know for sure.

Don't get me wrong, I know how to laugh. Just that, it's kinda hard to pretend that nothing's wrong..

Poetry in Motion

I don't want this to be forgotten...

...

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness

What is that?
“It is the end and it is the beginning” she said
I don’t understand.
“Your bitter journey’s end is at hand. You’re free.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope?

I hear the voice, yet I can’t see you.
“Come close to the light.”
Near the light, a silhouette patiently waiting
Who are you?
“You never were alone.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I never wanted to be alone.
“Come closer.”
I need to do my time.
“Here, time has no meaning. Come closer.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

As I come closer, I feel the warmth emanating from the light.
What does it mean?
“Salvation. Life.”
“Come closer."

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I see her.
The eyes…the face…the smile…
I know you.
“Yes you do.”
A Fallen Angel
She smiles

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

A journey into the light
Salvation
Life

Love

This was a poem written on Jeoff's blog dated April 21st, 2006.


And my response was...

so, i told you i liked you.
you told me you liked me.
it was april fools' day.
it was over coffee.
it was over a pack or so of cigarettes.
i never meant for it to go this way.
i am scared of losing you, pardon the selfishness of what i am about to say.
i feel so much for you and yet, you're afraid to hurt me?
didn't you just hurt me?
when you said all those beautiful things and then took it back with a swift "i don't want to hurt you?"
i want more from this life than you.
yet, this time, i want you.
i may not love you yet, but who's to say i can't?
and who's to judge that i won't?
all i'm saying is don't close your doors on what i am about to give you.
cos believe it or not it doesn't get any better than this
you'll never find anyone better than me
and sadly, i may never find anyone better than you...

i don't want regrets
i don't want to cry over you
i don't want to cry over things that could have been
i don't want to lose you

I WISH YOU'RE MINE.
I PROMISE NOT TO HURT YOU.
JUST PLEASE BE MINE.

and yes, i can't believe that i'm saying this
maybe you're right.
maybe i am just emotional right now...
maybe i need to spend more time thinking about this...

Further

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

So here I am, blogging again. For some weird reason, I have come to be very lazy at updating this blog. Only because I can Twitter to my heart' content. LOL! And it's not like this blog gets read anyhow. Not that it matters too. I might as well remember things that I have to note anyhow.

The American Idol Season Finale
I just watched the finale of American Idol and Kris Allen couldn't deserve it anymore than he does. He has such a wonderful voice and has done an amazing job at preserving who he is throughout the whole competition. He has talent and he does an amazing job at being on stage and performing. He has the makings of a new Daughtry or be the next David Cook - wait, he is the next David Cook! LOL!

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho Videos
Meg's Note: I wish I can provide the video here, but I think that's just really unfair to me and to people who read my blog. I know where to find it and I guess it would just be unfair to even provide a link.
So I have been in and out of my mind about this whole Katrina-Hayden thing. See what staying at home does to a person? I think I watched every damned interview she had and every damned comment he had to say. I am kinda scared now. I mean, I have had a pretty weird life and I have to admit that I am a little scared. I am no celebrity but I must have done something crazy in my life once or twice. What if someone took a video of it and posted it on a site somewhere? I am freaked out -a little. I think that every woman has a right to be protected against being treated like a porn star. Servers for uploading videos should have a fail-safe method of protecting themselves and women against videos that are not done with consent. (As if any woman would want her video being played over and over again for some horny, crazy maniac out there, but you never really know...) Digital signatures can be run for sites that run services for uploading vids like that. Or they can mimic what Facebook has been doing. They can police certain videos that would be caught with nudity or maybe even a check as to how legit the "star" of the video is. Either way, cyberspace laws in the Philippines have been weak. I think someone should start protecting women from this kind of abuse.
I'm not really sympathizing with Katrina, nor I am tolerating Hayden's actions, but I think they're both consenting adults. Even without being told, Katrina should have known that what she was doing could leak to the public. Another point is she knew she was being videotaped when she was dancing. I think it's weird that she didn't know that she was being videotaped when she was banging her head off. So, there's that element of doubt for me as to her actual knowledge of being videotaped while having sex. It's just sad that people got their hands on that video, and I'm guessing these are the wrong people. (Yes, it's me being sarcastic...) I like the fact that she has amazing boobs though. Haha, I gotta pay a visit to Belo sometime!

Viral Gastroenteritis
Yup, I was an unfortunate stay-at-home patient for four straight days this week. I was too weak and too sick to actually do anything at home. I didn't even log in to check my mails. Anyone who needed to get in touvh with me had to do it through phone. And my poor Jeoff had to suffer through my mood swings and my apparent lack of sense.
I was diagnosed with having yeast in my stomach. Ewww, right? What the hell?! Supposedly, your gastric flora consists of everything - from bacteria to a little fungi. Mine was through the roof. This was because I kept taking medications - so everything from vitamins to pain killers could actually mess up one's normal gastrointestinal flora. I guess the soda, the coffee wasn't really helping me. I was out sick for four straight days. By Friday, I was rearing to go to work but being back to work last Friday was pretty darned tiring. Thus, I am at home now instead of being with friends.
I also look forward to the day that my stomach will return to normal and not turn at the sight of food. Well, normal food. I miss being able to eat something with grease - think Double Cheeseburger. And yes, some fries. Oh, what I would give for a good seafood ravioli too.

Pain
I am currently going through something that I think I won't be able to talk about in detail here. It involves my incumbent family (haha!). I hope that things work out well. I feel that by far, I've done my best and I can only wish for a little bit of restitution and a bit of resilience from my end. I feel that all my life, I've tried my very best to fight off people who always tell me that I can't do something. I guess that it's been a constant battle for me. Until the day I die, people will always want me to prove something to them. And it's been a little bit unfair, I would say. I hope that this dies its natural death.
The problem with me is that I tend to care too much. Sometimes, a little too much. I have told Jeoff that everyone else can go to hell but I will keep on doing what I need to do and all that matters is him and myself. I believe that firmly. I hope that someday, people can see through what wall they have created of me and for me. People tend to be cautious with me, and very judgmental. I hope that someday, somehow, I can be accepted for what I am and what I represent, rather than being kept away at an arm's length because of what I am and what I represent. I know this seems fuzzy, but I surely hope that whatever storm I'm feeling, there will be a calmer weather in the future.

Lateralus

This song is for the one I love...
Keep it up and take it one at a time.
I love you...

I listened to this when I saw this once in a pool of songs I have. I can't believe how powerful they are...

Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more and
beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities.
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.