The Lost Video

The song "You Ought to Know" comes to mind. Especially the line about "You told me you'll hold me until you die, til you die, but you're still alive..." Sometimes you can't do anything anymore about people and their wishes. They choose to love you or they choose not to. In this case, with me and him, he chose not to anymore. I actually applaud him for that, because there's not a lot of people who can decide to end something that feels like an obligation. People actually commit to something and believe that it's going to last forever. Now I know it's being naive on my part and not really being true to myself. 

I wish him the best. He deserves someone in his life that would make him  think that he wants to live his life instead of living a life decided for him. He deserves someone that he loves enough to fight for. I was sadly less in comparison... Oh well, sometimes, people fall short of what is expected of them. I can't do much about that. I can only hope that he finds love. 

Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it. 

The iPod Game

I tend to torture myself with weird and vague questions about my life using my iPod. Today, I just uploaded a new playlist - the Sissy playlist. It's a collection of songs from boy bands - good, sad, painful and even funny ones.

Earlier today, Jeoff and I had the most painful fight ever. I just feel like he doesn't want to treat me fairly. He's an angry man. He believes to some extent that I ruined a possibly good wedding. That's beside the point though. In case you haven't been following what my life is about, that's okay. I don't really expect anyone to, considering half of my friends have probably given up on me.

Anyhow, this is going to be one huge word vomit so it better be at least over the top, cos it seems to be the running theme in my life. I think God is one mean DJ.

Yes, I play some stupid iPod game. Just now, I was relaxing in my room and decided to press shuffle on iTunes and asked God one random question. "What's gonna happen next?". It's so freakin' weird. Let me tell you what kind of songs I have on the Sissy playlist, alright?

1. On Bended Knee - It's from Boyz II Men which specialize in songs of regret...

Can we go back to the days our love was strong.Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? 

2. Four Seasons of Loneliness - Again some weird song from Boyz II Men that sings of four seasons of loneliness.

This loneliness has crushed my heart. Please let me love again. Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain. Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again... 

3. Total Eclipse of the Heart (by Glee) - Not that I had anything against the original version, I kind of needed a sissy playlist, remember? I had to go super ShowTunes by invoking the powers of Rachel Berry and the Kurt.

Once upon a time, I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart, nothing I can do... The total eclipse of the heart.

4. Everytime - From the Rhythm Nation diva, Janet Jackson. I badly wanted this song on my Sissy playlist cos it reminds me of High School and everything that was strange about it.

But everytime your love is near and everytime I'm filled with fear... cause everytime I see your face, my heart just begins to race everytime... 

5. Never Ever - This soulful song is from All Saints which may have been the basis for Val Kilmer's movie some odd years ago.

Never ever have I had to find, I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind. I've never had my conscience to fight. The way I'm feeling it just don't feel right. I'll keep searching deep within my soul, for all the answers. I don't want to hurt no more. 

6. Tearin' Up My Heart - Ok, this I don't have memorized. I remember it to be one of those break up songs too  from N'Sync.
7. Invisible Man from 98 Degrees - Yup, someone taken for granted.
8. All Rise - From Blue, which talked about universal love.
9. It's Gonna Be Me - From N'Sync again. Really freaky song about trying to win someone over and that the next time that girl will love again, it's gonna be them - sounds like a restraining order.
10. Other boy band and Glee songs that are bound to hurt you - Bad Romance, True Colors, My Confessions, Somebody to Love, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Amazingly, what I got was I Do, despite the fact that I was talking to God and asking for a sign as to what I need to do.

In case you've been living in a cave, this is the video for that damned song...

 

God is an unfair DJ. He kind of makes you hope for something you've always wanted.