My December

I realized that in a few hours, it would be a brand new year. I will miss this year and all the crazy and weird things I had to do to make this year work for me, but nonetheless, I am thankful, or as one of students put it-THANKSFUL... LOL!

Gratuities

My family who's all in great health. My mom and my pop being together for 27 years and would still (shamelessly) make out in front of my brother and me. My brother who despite being wild and crazy never kicked out once in his university of choice and may actually graduate after 3 more years of being in college. LOL, love you bro!

Jeoff, who constantly made me feel amazing since we got back together this July, or was it June? I never really remember the dates anymore. It even got to a point that we both forgot our anniversary and he kept insisting that it was September 16th and I kept insisting that it was October 29th.

My job which makes me relax and comfortable and gives me enough money for a big life-changing event for the next year. It keeps me grounded and reminds me that I am bound to be an employee for the rest of my life, LOL. Kidding, it kind of reminds me that people out there want to learn and it rewards me automatically. A students says something like "You're the best teacher ever", in a day, and you're set for a whole week.

My old friends. I have several friends but some I have met since nursery school. These friends, I feel will be with me forever! No matter what I do, no matter how much I cry, whine, go crazy or mess up, will always have my back. I especially am thankful that Cym has given birth to a lovely girl named Elhaym, and although I haven't seen the baby yet (I'm afraid to go near a baby cos I smoke), I will see her and I'll be thanking God for that beautiful sweet angel...

2007 at a glance

I lost weight! Yay! Not enough, but I have to lose some more...

A friend gave birth.

The first time I went to Luisita and saw Tin's baby, Drake! Cute kid!

I proved to myself that I can survive for a month without Jeoff. After a month, we were back in each others' arms, well figuratively.

Got BLUE, my favorite laptop that I'll never give up for 17K Asus! :)

One of my friends announced that she's getting married soon.

Met Cara, Myles and Rachel. Got Ryan and Shaui to work for ITI.

Got to have very interesting and quite challenging students at work.

Met Frank, my blind boy. (No offense meant, he knows I call him that). He's the 13 year old boy I tutored for a time.

Decided to let things slide and chill.

Reconnected with some old friends, Toshi and Erik.

Had a very good time with people at work. Got close to the Support people courtesy of Gai. Knew Glenna and Noelle more. Met new people at work, like Paolo, Justin and Kevin who all make me laugh.

Things to look forward to

More money!

More career opportunities!

More shopping days with my friends. I would love to go shopping with you. Chloe! Please prettify me! LOL!

A life changing event that will totally rock my world, I hope.

The Fast and the Furious - Tokyo Drift

Watched the movie, "The Fast and the Furious, Tokyo Drift" the other night. I almost fell out of my chair. OMG! It was amazing, amazing, amazing!

While I have to say that I'm not a big fan of Lucas Black nor Bow Wow, I have to say that it was a very great experience. I liked the cool cars and how amazing the drifting scenes were. It took a lot of effort for me not to beg my brother to give me a fake DVD copy of that. I wanted to watch it over and over again.

My favorite scene was pretty anti-climactic. It was when Han Vielside Mazda (The orange-black car)crashed into DK's Vielside Nissan Fairlady (The black car)! It was pretty intense and the effects were priceless!

The story begins with Sean being mercilessly thrown to Japan, because of the racing antics he pulled in the US. He had to live with his dad, a marine officer. He automatically plunged himself in trouble with a successful businessman who believed in his racing abilities named Han (Sung Kang) who had a partner named DK, short for Drift King (Brian Tee). Racing for Han, he perfected the art and the skill of drifting and fought to avenge Han's death.

Han's death (the crash I described above) was because DK found out that he was being cheated off some money by Han who had side deals all the while that DK was running the business Yakuza style. DK's uncle, a Yakuza gang lord, discovered Han's shady deals and shamed DK by confronting him in his own den.

The story deals mainly with Japanese culture. You see a lot of Japanese men crying, DK in particular, when he was confronted due to the bad business deals of Han, and one of DK's henchmen who lost a drifting race to Sean. You see perfectionism in the face of major adversity.

You also see how one man struggles to fight for his honor, which essentially is what the Fast and the Furious movie franchise was all about.

I honestly think Paul Walker would have done a much better job as Sean but hey, I guess wrecking way too many cars would cost a lot of money so they went with the Friday Night Light's Lucas Black.

An added bonus: Vin Diesel appears to reprise his role in the previous prequels as Dominic, admitting that he was one of the few people Han has dealt with before.

Year 2007 (According to My Blog)

It's my countdown to 2008.

Got this one from Kcajcauorek

Copy and paste the first paragraph (well in my case, had to choose a couple or so) from your first entry of each month this past year. What better way to sum up your year and make a countdown to '08!

January 2007

I had a great time just vegging out. I am sooo laaazy! Oh god, I think I gained 50 pounds just by not doing anything... well, not entirely true. I was a bit busy researching for my article. And guess what? I get to do another one! I'm so happy! My article actually got published! People really pay to see my crap! And guess what? It's not any kind of nonsence that I used to do. Dear, this is a parenting article! A parenting article that is all about keeping your family close. I can't believe that I actually can write. Haha!

February 2007

i'm sad today. don't ask me why, it's just a general feeling of sadness. i am a bit depressed. i know it seems silly, feeling this way when there's nothing to feel sad about. i guess that's why journals were always there to begin with... to record and recap what happened in your life and for you to learn from it.

i forbade myself to cheer myself up today. i woke up feeling all the damned injustice done to me today, intentional or unintentional, felt or forgotten. it is just one of those days to reflect and to casually go through the motion of being me.

March 2007

so my hunny is here. i am as usual, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit rattled but more so, very happy that he's finally here. he's not staying for good. he's just here for a few days. i know... just a few days? well, i don't mind. as long as i can make him happy for a few days, that's all that really matters to me at this point. last night, i closed my eyes to a bright night, with a silvery moon and some stars. nope, i wasn't camping out. i opened my window to see the moon shining so brightly.

all i could do right now is wish that everything will be alright. he wouldn't think i'm a fugly biatch, or that i'm some weird psycotic looney case, or that i'm some weird she-devil brought out by the devil to torture him.

April 2007

it's over. no more hoping, no more wishing, no more dreaming of this man.

how did i realize it? how did i come to this conclusion?

i was walking in the grocery aisle sunday evening. i hate shopping in the afternoon, because there would be a lot of people there. so, i usually do my grocery shopping at night. thank god malls near my place are open til 10PM. i saw a couple. the guy was holding up a cantaloupe for his wife, who seems to be ready to give birth. the girl kind of looks like me. fair-skinned, a bit chubby, thanks to the pregnant belly. the guy looks a bit like him. a little tan, stocky... seems like someone you could run to for comfort. i just looked at them transfixed. i started shaking. before i realized it, i was tearing up. i looked away and went to the poultry section. it seems surreal, but i started noticing. every damned couple that was passing me by. someone was looking at me like they recognized me, someone seemed like they wanted to talk with me... a woman even looked at her boyfriend or husband and whispered. i think tears were starting to fall. and i was in the poultry section. that was extremely pathetic, even for me.

May 2007

i hurt someone badly today. and you know what hurts more? it wasn't that i hurt him. it was like i didn't feel anything. i let a man who could have been everything walk away with nothing. and i didn't feel anything.

i cried sure... but it was very menial, almost superficial. i was happy. i was excited. i was free again.

and then the man i love sends me a message. and the tears keep flowing again... every word, every single line, every apology, every nuance cuts through me like a knife. and i've never been happier.

and i've never been more alive...

June 2007

choose me...

people fall out of love because they choose to...people get scared of the future because of what they choose over things that should be there...people get lost because they never choose the right way.

i can make you happy. i can make you real. i can make everything happen in a few months if i my see that you see my worth, my truth, my beauty.

choose the pleasure, choose the pain

for now...

i promise to make you happy only if you let me

July 2007

Is it possible to miss someone this much?

Sometimes, I wish I can unlove someone just a little. Because somehow, the pain of the distance is killing me.

I'll be home soon. I'll be with you again. Back in your arms. Hearing your heart beating, that when I know I'm home. That's when I know I hear you. Feel you. I want to be home... I want to go home now.

August 2007

What are insights?

They are nothing but mere opinions. Free and cheap. Comes with a functional brain. Comes with a fancy package courtesy of words and deep melancholia and nostalgia that matters not to people who listen to it.

September 2007

I started out in this company wanting to disappear due to the incredible pressure I felt from all the other companies I have ever worked for. I remember trying to pirate someone from this company... Wanting that person to work with me, not as a subordinate, but as an associate, because I needed someone strong in my company. The universe didn't smile upon that chance of working together. The universe seemed to have another thing in mind. I quit my job and decided to go back to school and start my very own drug distribution company. That person, in turn, decided to ask me if I would be interested in doing this job while earning my masters in Toxicology. It seems like yesterday.

October 2007

Yes... I have fallen prey to the snazzy advertising and the cheesy theme about connecting to loved-ones abroad. Aren't we all suckers for that whole crap about connecting to people you care for the most?! At one point or another, you only want to make your life easier, hence my need to have internet connection at home.

I have been a loyal consumer of this broadband company. In fact, I was one of the oldest customers of this brand. Ever since they started their campaign, I have been loyally paying my bills, lining-up to get decent customer service and yes, even commenting on their forums. I even have a friend who works for them!


November 2007

It has always been postulated that the answer to life's questions can be figured out using a mathematical equation. A highly complicated one, if you ask me. It goes beyond triangulation of quadratic equations and breaks even the Mobius Strip. I'm guessing it has all the weird snake signs (What I call the Calculus symbol for integration, the elongated S?) and the function goes beyond negative infinity (yes, people, it exists).

People somehow define infinity as a number, actually, it's a mathematical law that numbers never cease, and that anywhere in this universe, you're bound to deal with numbers. Mauk Escher (MC Escher) even made tons of money trying to depict the concept of infinity. And he uses the Mobius strip to somehow capture the idea that something is never broken, and that it all exists as one whole band that is 3 dimensional and unbreakable.

December 2007

Ok, my bad... my recent fascination of all the applications on Facebook rendered my blog almost useless. I haven't had the chance to actually get into my blog and do some major blogging. I blame my apparent lack of self-control when it comes to my affairs. Hehe...

So what has been happening. Hmn... I have the Christmas Party to worry about this weekend. I wonder what I should dress up as. I'm also thinking of totally just vegging out on a Saturday instead of partying. I'm just not in a very partying mood lately. It's supposed to be a hat day for everyone. I wonder what hat I should wear. Justin (the tall one) said he'd come as a mime. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea since no one seems notice a mime. I'd just sit down and smoke, or wait for a few hours to go by until it's time to come home.

Fear

Fear is an emotion that makes us blind. How many things are we afraid of? We're afraid to turn off the lights when our hands are wet. We're afraid to stick a knife into the toaster to get the stuck English muffin without unpluggin it first. We're afraid of what the doctor may tell us when the physical exam is over; when the airplane suddenly takes a great unearthly lurch in midair. We're afraid that the oil may run out, that the good air will run out, the good water, the good life. When the daughter promised to be in by eleven and it's now quarter past twelve and sleet is spatting against the window like dry sand, we sit and pretend to watch Johnny Carson and look occasionally at the mute telephone and we feel the emotion that makes us blind, the emotion that makes a stealthy ruin of the thinking process.
-Stephen King, Nightshift (Published 1978, Foreword section)

I have to be honest. I am usually an orthodox scaredy cat with all sorts of fears in my mind. Sometimes, I still drive myself crazy, scared of how and why everything seems so perfect when it should be screwed up, and how and why everything seems so screwed up when it should be perfect. I am afraid of a whole lot of things. Things that might seems incredibly petty and simple. Things like being late for work, being caught in a web of lies made by supposed friends, being sucked into a relationship that might not have any meaning to the person you have loved for so long... I'm scared of losing friends, losing family members, losing loved-ones, losing my mind, losing what little intelligence I have, losing my confidence because of a stupid mishap that can't be avoided, losing a fight that I have long prepared for, losing ground, losing my edge, losing something I have.

They say that fear is an emotion that makes you go blind. It also makes you deaf, mute and unbelievably stupid.

People say that it is only fear that you should fear. Everything else must be faced with open arms. Anything unknown is an adventure. Anything new is fair game. Anything undiscovered must be explored and conquered, like a new land... a new treasure... a new opportunity.

I had a nightmare last night. How apt, I just finished watching "Nightmare Before Christmas".

I sincerely can't remember having nightmares. Apparently, I have had some before. It wasn't as one could imagine it to be. It was surreal. It wasn't monsters, or demons. It was amazingly human and distinctly very medical.

I slept at 5 in the morning earlier. Not wanting to miss a movie, and not wanting to lay off the Christmas merriment. No, I wasn't eating. I wasn't drinking. I was smoking, but only a couple of sticks. And no, I wasn't even taking anything - not even vitamins!

I remember dreaming about someone, who I can't remember. I can see myself in my couch, falling asleep. I can hear the same people partying outside our house (the community sponsors a street party every year). I distinctly remember feeling like I'm trying to wake up. Wanting to scream but can't... I can remember attempting three times and not succeeding. I remember hearing someone say "turn, goddamnit". I remember breathing hard. I remember the feeling that my chest was on fire and my whole body going clammy and cold. I could feel my veins being drained of blood. And how, I can't describe, perhaps cos I lack the words. I can even remember being air-light... like dancing on air. I remember screaming with no sound. My hands on my face, scratching like crazy that had I moved my fingers through my face that way, I would have wounded and gouged my eyes. I can never forget wanting so badly to scream and not being able to, wanting so badly to wake up and I can't.

I heard a voice saying "You'll never wake up. You'll never wake up." then I heard someone laughing.

I kept turning, i know I did! And it wasn't working. My whole body was paralyzed.

Finally, I clutched my foot on my lighter and I felt my foot turning. I gasped for air and woke up, finally. I was so scared. So frigging cold, I grabbed my jacket and just sat perplexed for a good 15 minutes. I was alone downstairs, so no one was there to see how shaken up I was. I can feel blood rushing to my whole body. Warm blood rushing to my legs, then to my tummy, then to my arms and fingers. I felt my head warming up and in a few minutes, I felt my clammy skin warm up, flushing. I ran to the restroom to look at the mirror. My face was so red. My chest was burning. I can feel my heart pounding so hard.

I ran to the kitchen and got a teaspoon of sugar. I gulped it all. This was my grandma's cure-all. Moments later, I sank into the couch again. Unable to move or so anything. It felt so supernatural and surreal. Like some force was holding me down. Also, it felt so medical because I know from school how a person with SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome) dies. They die from cardiac arrest in their sleep. Their blood drains to a specific place, like their spleen or their pancreas and their whole body gasps for fuel. Blood needs to redistribute quickly so their hearts won't give out.

The sugar worked.

It made me feel lulled.

Minutes later, I turned the TV on.

I called my hunny. Spared him the details though. My tummy still hurts. My heart still pounding as we spoke.

I haven't slept since. I think I'm going to sleep tomorrow morning, when everyone's awake.

Now I'm scared.

WoW's I'm Too Sexy Vid

I love this cos it's frigging funny!!!!



Cos he's too sexy for his body, and his shirt and his car, so sexy, ti hurts, yeah! LOL!

World of Warcraft Dancing

So apparently, characters in the World of Warcraft love to dance!

Here's a vid linking classic dancing styles to WoW characters...There's The Irish Lord of the Dance, MC Hammer, the song toxic and my fave Napoleon Dynamite! It totally rocks!

Loving Drew

I absolutely love this movie! And I absolutely love Drew Barrymore! She totally rocks!

Love, Actually

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion love actually is all around.
-Prime Minister (portrayed by Hugh Grant)
Motion Picture - Love, Actually (2003)

Reflecting on this year's ups and downs, I just realized that love sort of makes the world go round. Love of money, love of family, of a man or a woman. It makes people desire more, want something other than the life they have, achieve things beyond their wildest dreams...it makes them late for work, buy sexy lingerie and do crazy things.


And love actually is...

• Just a wonderful, exciting feeling that makes you believe that the world is a swirl of orange-colored skies and pink trees with rainbow drippings in every step.
• A crazy deranged feeling that kills you as much as it sustains you.
• An excuse to be crazy.
• The be all and end all of my existence.
• Hurts big time!
• Cradles you in time of need.
• Makes you look forward to the next year, and the next, and the next...
• Gives you less reasons to fear being tied down to a single person for the rest of your life.
• Is not easy to do, especially when you've been hurt before...
• Takes so much of your time and effort.
• Does crazy things to your insides when you're about to see the man or woman of your dreams.
• Not lust.
• Not security or trust or any of those words that you thought you were looking for in a man or a woman.
• An absolute bliss to have.
• A remarkable journey that I know is worth having.

And love actually is what I intend to pursue the next year, and the next... and the next.

Be Great!

And in the true tradition of how to's...

How does one become a great girlfriend? Since the ancient times, women have asked that question...How can they please their men?!

Apparently, some geniuses came up with the answer!


VideoJug: How To Be The Perfect Girlfriend

Oh! And I didn't leave my guyfriends hanging! Since you've always known what women want, here you go...
Here you go...


VideoJug: How To Be The Perfect Boyfriend

Living away is an absolute drag but for some reason, there are ways to make it work!


VideoJug: How To Have A Long Distance Relationship

And finally, when all else fails... how can you rekindle the love?


VideoJug: How To Be Romantic

My thanks again to Gaius for this!

You're In Love!

VideoJug: How To Know You're In Love

I kind of felt bad because of something sort of stupid I did to someone I really love.

I sort of had to ask my question if I really trusted him enough and if I care enough to neevr to do it again.

My answer is definitely yes.

I got this from Gaius, one of the really great people I met at work. Thankies, my man in the iron mask...LOL!

The Wishlist (Part 1)

So it's Christmas. I have been wanting a few things this year.



A VISA and ticket to Canada
I think that's enough crying over spilt milk. I want to get to Canada. I want to be with Jeoff. I want to find a way to get there and I am not afraid to admit it. So people who can read this, this is me begging. If you know how I can get there, please let me know!


Lipgloss collection
Okay, okay, I have way too many lipglosses to be asking for a whole set of lipglosses, but hey, I love my lips and I like color on them. I love the plumpers, the slick shiny lipglosses, the baby pinks and the shocking reds. If anyone will give me one of these, or better yet, one from the Kiss and Makeup, then they will get a big wet kiss from me.


A brown trench coat
I'm a large. This trench coat is from GAP. I think it's a great way to spend money. I know it's really warm here in the Philippines, but I'm a sucker for these jackets! I would love to get my hands on this ensemble-completer! It's gonna be fabulous with my taupe bag and my shiny leopard-print stilettos! Cool!


Knee-high boots
I love these boots! The first time I laid eyes on them, my heart just skipped a beat! I can imagine outfits to go with this! I can imagine tight white tops with loose mini skirts and a wife leather belt on me. This is again, on my weekends, and therefore will never be seen by anyone in the office!

Those are all I can think of for now. I think I need to have a few more window-shopping days to find out what else I might want.

So, just wait for part 2. :)

我的一個願望

有時我祝願您的過去去並且我是唯一你愛我和再從未考慮她。

我看她詞和它傷了我的心。您仍然怎麼可以是失眠的在晚上, 考慮她? 在所有痛苦以後她導致了您。我不是重要對您? 我永遠沒有許諾您愛嗎? 我沒有許諾您我的心臟完全地將是你的? 完全地請是我的。我要整體終身花費與您。請忘記她。

我需要您愛我。並且當現在, 我獲悉您不完全地愛我, 您將, 最終。

Another Day Goes

I work at night, and I sleep all day. Such is life for a person who has earned a living feeding off another country's resources, and with good fortune, I've done my best and my part to responsibly face each challenge with much aplomb. I have carefully thumbed through materials, researched, learned and unlearned. I've crossed chasms of unsuccessful projects and pushed boundaries when it comes to my craft. But at the end of my night, when I come home, that's when it starts.

I am an alcoholic.

Right. I'm just messing with you.

It's when I realize how I have changed over time. I am more mellow now. I lose myself in a book (most recently, prolly Facebook, harhar!). I could keep silent and just have a random idea tossed in my head for hours on end. I can stay by my window and watch people busily tend to their lawns or clean their cars (I live in a place where garages are not really used as garages.). I have come to believe that I have grown. Back then, I would kick and claw and scream for a chance at something - a styling job, an article, another job, some time with a boyfriend, coffee time with friends. Now, I've learned how to back out, bow out gracefully and even admit my mistakes automatically (Well, more often than not...).

Last week, I just received some pretty bad news. I am still in shock as to how it happened. I can't imagine what I could have done, or what could I not have done to make something happen. I am, of course, devastated. For whatever reason this happened, I was told, by a very wise man, that it's just a snag and that I'll get through it. I am... Everyday. Slowly but surely. When something beyond your comprehension happens, the first thing that comes to mind is to blame someone, get hurt and start clinging on to dear life or to cling to people that matter. Thank God people I love somehow love me too. They're still around, and not going away for a long time... I hope. The doubts creep in and the fear sets in. You're boxed in. You're trapped. You're stuck. Then you drown in self-pity and think that it's the end of the world (Okay, too dramatic, but hey, don't stay in the kitchen if you can't take the heat, eh?). It could have been. I could have annoyed the hell out of people. I could have isolated myself (which I think I did for a few days). I could have burned bridges and fought and kicked and screamed and clawed for something...

Now, I'm letting go, and I'm moving on. When things screw up, somehow, you got to see a better, bigger picture to keep you going on, to get you fighting - silently, but still fighting.

For now, I only want one thing...another day loving and living, feeling and understanding...

Party Pooper

Ok, my bad... my recent fascination of all the applications on Facebook rendered my blog almost useless. I haven't had the chance to actually get into my blog and do some major blogging. I blame my apparent lack of self-control when it comes to my affairs. Hehe...

So what has been happening. Hmn... I have the Christmas Party to worry about this weekend. I wonder what I should dress up as. I'm also thinking of totally just vegging out on a Saturday instead of partying. I'm just not in a very partying mood lately. It's supposed to be a hat day for everyone. I wonder what hat I should wear. Justin (the tall one) said he'd come as a mime. I'm thinking that it would be a good idea since no one seems notice a mime. I'd just sit down and smoke, or wait for a few hours to go by until it's time to come home.

Again, please don't ask why. I'm just not a party person.

Lately, I've noticed that I only want to stay at home and just lie down. Maybe it's the whole sedentary lifestyle getting to me. Maybe it's the lack of people who truly understand what a party is to me. Maybe I prefer to have a simple cup of java with friend and chat non-stop about our lives, our perspectives and all that shit. Oh crap, it's the weird introverted freak I've been trying to hide all these years! It's rearing its ugly head.

Hopefully by the weekend, this feeling will be over and I'll get to enjoy a party with colleagues. Oh well...