Loving

It's funny how marriage changes things. It seems to do so in my posse, my click, my circle of friends, if you will.

Irish, my bestfriend, just got married.

I treat her like a sister, like an older, wiser sister though she's not older. It seems like her experience has brought me a guide. I tell her everything - the boyfriend woes, the career challenges, the daily ups and downs of being part of an interracial family - the list goes on.

I love her wedding, I simply do. I couldn't wait until she gets back from Macau to tell me all about her honeymoon, about her great time with her husband. I surely miss her.

It seems like the wedding I saw was straight out of a dream. It felt so amazing to see two people being united in front of the people they love and the people they care for. I can't believe how much I cried during the ceremony. It was so beautiful. It was just plain great. Someday, I hope that I will have the same ceremony - not the flowers or the Tiffany chairs, or the ball gowns or the arch - I just really want to see me sharing my life with the one I love.

We're grown up now. One has a kid, one has a boyfriend that is going to be a consulate, one is in Taiwan, working as a personal trainer, and one just got married. The clique that I had in high school is now all grown up... And I don't really know what I am yet. So I decided to make a list to remind me of who I was and who I have become...

• Corporate Training Coordinator
• daughter to Mom and Pop
  
• sister to my insufferable brother
  
• girlfriend to Jeoff for 3 years and running
• bestfriend to Cym, Irish, Chloe and Mary
• friend to people whom I have worked with in PeopleSupport, HTMT, iTi Consulting and now Merlin
• SDI-Certified Trainer - the only independent trainer in the entire Philippines who can handle an SDI course
• major micromanager
  
• events planner for Merlin
  
• magazine writer for "Moms and Babies" and "Health Today"
  
• erstwhile stylist and make-up artist for magazines
  
• big fan of Blue, my 1-year old "son" who now has a 73.5 GB of memory thanks to his "toys" and is amazingly white and creamy - just the wonderful color I want my laptop to be...
  
• avid reader of all books that I can get my hands on - now reading "Sophie's Choice"
  
• lover of all movies and TV series animated - The Simpsons, The Family Guy, American Dad, Sons of Butchers, Southpark, Spongebob, Fairly Odd Parents, anything by Nickelodeon...
  
• passionate about mysteries and investigator shows on TV - The Kill Point, Burn Notice, CSI, NCIS
• artsy-fartsy teenager back then and now still appreciating art
  
• hater of all things elitist

I have come a long way. I used to be a chubby kid who only wanted out of high school because no one appreciated the way I am. My friends used to be high school girls as well whom enjoy a great McDonald's sundae cone in the middle of the afternoon heat. Time does go by fast, and sets you off for an adventure.

I'm glad we're grown up...

What I Need

Vulnerability makes you do stupid things.

Song Lyrics

I was hoping for angels to appear out of the heavens when I made a decision earlier. I was hoping for the skies to open up and actually spew out golden stardusts and fine sprinkles of silver and blue and congratulate me for a job well done.

Turns out that the world doesn't stop when you do something good.

I was approached with a weird offer the other day. Something that has to do with me being "beddable". Haha! Funny word. Funny offer. What's even funnier was I was pretty close to doing it. I was extremely close to losing my senses in bed with another man. Why? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm desperate for something to hold. Because I'm a nympho? The answer is none of the above.

It's because I can't always get what I want.

I want words exchanged between me and Jeoff to be dripping with sweetness. I want him to feel an all-consuming need for me. I want the world to stop revolving when I call him. I want the earth to shake and for him to have to catch his breath when he sees me. I want him to feel that exhausting and mind-numbingly brilliant feeling of loving me.

I want to control him.

I told him about my indecent proposal. Sans the name of the guy, not that it matters... I asked him how much he trusts me.

The thing is when I think about it... It all happened so fast... I am still a little girl - the naive girl that never thought of herself as beautiful. All my life, someone else was pretty, someone else was hot... no one ever called me hot, or beautiful... or sexy? Or anything... I was always the smart, witty, funny and analytical girl no one ever asked to go to the prom with. I guess deep inside, I always knew only beauty queens and model-types will ever find true love. And people like me become doctors and lawyers - out to defend the damsels in distress when they finally file for divorce only to be with new knights in shining armors. The people left for us to enjoy would be those scarred by the beauty queens and model-types - slightly unscathed but eternally marked for life.

I talked with Jeoff earlier. I told him about the man. I asked him why he doesn't have that all consuming need for me. I asked him why he can't feel what I'm feeling...

I told him about my disappointment about the heavens not spewing out at least a couple of angels with a golden banner saying "Well Done". He said "The world doesn't stop just because you did something good. But the world stops when you do something bad."

And there it was...

I can't always get what I want.

But I get what I need.

Bringing Sexy Back....

My Disclaimer: Have you read a Jessica Zafra essay? Well, this is one of them. Self-mockery, to my belief, is the best form of flattery. To people who are faint-hearted, easily insulted and lack the sense of humor I need for my audience may very well just stop reading from this period on. Thanks!



I can't sleep. I've been up since 4 in the morning, trying to get some shut-eye. I can't believe that I'm still not asleep... So I'm cuddling with my laptop, wondering what the heck to write about when I chanced upon a sexy picture of Rose Byrne and Brad Pitt from the movie Troy.



I just sort of realized that the media is full of sexy images. And a girl needs to do everything to sort of catch up. I guess this is the reason why Anne Hathaway had to take her clothes off, or why we make such icons out of Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton, both of which had their own homemade videos to sell online.

So, if we look up to these icons, and men worship them, how's a normal everyday 20-something clod to compare? I mean, I am definitely no Paris Hilton, nor am I near Pamela Anderson. I am most definitely not a Selma Blair, a Sienna Miller or Mandy Moore. I am an Alex Borstein in a world of Drew Barrymores and Demi Moores. Am I making any sense? I guess what I'm saying is I'm a fat bloated woman in a world of women who took the 60-day fab-abs challenge and won! Makes you want to rethink fitting into a nice dress for work tonight eh?

The thing is, I never really see myself as someone who should be worried about the way she looks. I am perfectly happy with the way I look. I am surrounded by beautiful, smart and darn right sexy women who sort of experience the same insecurity as I do. Some think that their tummy is bigger than their boobs, some think that their boobs are too small, some think that their thighs are as huge as Meralco posts. Honestly, the list goes on and on and on and on and on... and women tend to be as petty as possible. I remember a friend actually telling me that she'll sell her soul to have abs like one of the models we worked with on a photo shoot. I was an apprentice stylist then, and when I was indeed dressing Miss Patches (people who actually style other people, I think you know what I mean...), she bluntly told me "Pangit ng skin ko noh?! Buti pa yung skin mo, ang puti-puti..."

So what am I about to say... Yeah, somehow, for some oddball reason, when you look at someone else, there's always something of them you wish you had. I want to have Rose Byrne's face. I want to have Demi Moore's figure. I want to have Mandy Moore's eyes. I want to have Hayden Panettiere's skin. I want to be as cool as Avril Lavigne. And of course, when all else fails, I want to have Pamela Anderson's body. So, what am I doing to achieve any of these things? Nothing.

I think there's just an endless plethora of things to work on as a person. I can have my teeth whitened and have a tummy tuck... I can probably go for an overhaul. But you know what, no... I believe that in some weird forsaken tribes in the Amazon, women like me, bring the sexy back to the tribe and I rule... :)

i still have it

i just noticed, men still actually flirt back when i flirt with them.
weird, i thought i look really old and losyang. apparently, i still have it! haha!