I Couldn't Ask for More

What did I ever do to deserve someone like you? For four years, I took someone so beautiful for my own. Everyday, I ask God back then how could He give me such a wonderful man, to make me happy, to make me whole, to make me love so much... How could I have gotten someone so amazing that it made me so ecstatic to be with you.

More and more each day, I learned about myself and I learned more about you. While distance threatened us, we pushed forward, and decided to get married. We tried and fought hard but as always, good things come to an end and we just couldn't take anymore. I wanted to so badly to fight for more because I think in a lifetime, you only see one true love. Too bad, I wasn't yours... You told me it was time to quit, so you won't hate me, so you won't completely forget what we had. I begged you to stay, I begged you so hard, even knelt and cried. I would have cried tears of blood if that is what it took to make you stay.  But it was time to go... it was time for you to go.

I will miss everything. Believe it or not, I will miss even the fights, the constant bickering, the pressure of being with you, the rushing home to catch you on gmail, and to run to you when you come home. I will miss holding your hand, and kissing you. I will miss touching your face every time I lean forward for a kiss. I will miss you - all of you. I will miss your heart, your love, your sweet and corny poems and most of all, I miss the conversations I had with you. You treated me as your equal and took me under your wing, taught me a lot of what I know about life and love. I love you because of that.

Slowly, I peeled away at the resistance I felt at the beginning. I opened myself to you. I was vulnerable and loving and never again will anyone ever feel that with me. You're the only one that I will allow myself to be this vulnerable and loving to. You will always have my heart. You will always, always have me.


Thanks so much for the love, for the 4 years. I love you still and I love you more and more every day, despite the anger I feel. You were my life, my peace of mind and now, I'm going to go without any more. I don't want to burden you with me anymore. I don't want to be your obligation. Someday, you'll fall in love and love truly. I pray that you stand up for her, believe in the love you feel for her, and find the truth in every little moment and let those little truths lead you to a life well-lived and a life well-rewarded. I love you, Jeoff, now and forever.. 

10,000 Promises

Ok, so it's over now. What I predicted some time ago happened, swiftly, I might add. I was wearing a sassy dress, I had a great time in the office. I went online for our usual chat and lo and behold, he can't take nothing no more. I had to be let go of. 

I can say the meanest things and get away with it, and I'd probably have some people on my side. I know I did my part and I know I have done the best I could to fight for the relationship, to fight for us, to make him see that love is worth fighting for. For some reason, he chose not to love me anymore. He blamed on a variety of reasons - I was too far, I was too much, I was too assuming, too negative, too this, too that... I was too much to handle and I was the evil bitch that ruined his family.

His mother and father decided to find a retirement home rather than stay with him because they can't even stay in the same place as me. I feel like this hatred of me stems from something so little and so mundane, such as me telling them the truth about what I feel. If I had the chance to squeeze some honesty out of people I would. But as he who wouldn't be named would one day tell me, in his fit of anger and rage, that I HAD NO RIGHT TO TALK TO HIS PARENTS LIKE THAT! I saw the ghost of my past and present merge into him. I had not seen him this angry, like he was ready to kill me. And that's what cemented my decision to ask him that greatly insensitive question - when are you leaving me.

Don't get me wrong... I love him but until he can see that I am not his problem, he would never see me for who I am or what I have done for him. He won't understand that I love him and I wish for once, he would look into his heart and love me back. Again, my heart wishes for him. There is not one night that I don't long to hear his voice, to look into his eyes and feel him love me. Lately, I know things have changed. But there was a little bit left and I felt it. Now, he would literally push me away. He won't email, he won't call, oh wait, he hasn't called for a long time. I may be dead rotting in a bush somewhere and he won't have known, because we're saving money or because it was useless to have a phone line that makes international calls. Well, now, it's relatively futile to have a line that makes international calls. It's useless if he'd only get it for me, God forbid that he spends x amounts of dollars on me when I have spent x amounts of pesos on him. Just doesn't match...

When we first got back together, after he broke up with me on our 4th anniversary, April 1st of this year, it was also through the fit of anger he felt. He accused me of "accepting" the break-up. Of course, I was going to accept the break-up! I was broken. I thought we were going to get married then wham, bam, thanks for the 4 years. He gave me this whole long speech about waiting 50 years to prove to me that he loves me, that he will be with me and that he will love me... Well, 50 years turned out to be like 5 weeks. Maybe that's what it is in Meg years. Within minutes, he was changing his relationship status on Facebook. I mean, for long-distance couples, that is what it is. It's not telling your friends that cements your relationship, it's updating Facebook. Funny satirical relationship that it is, my mind was telling me that it was wrong. Wrong because he hasn't fixed everything yet in his life. Seriously,until his parents understand that he's a grown up and he's responsible for his own life, they will never let him go and everything in his life will have to go through a severe utilitarian approval process.

You know, I get that he loves his family more than he loves me. It totally makes sense. I am no one in his life. Evidently, I am no one now. I just wish he would look at me and just remember who I am. Not the person he judges and believes ruined his life.

I think the end of this relationship really signals the end. I don't have a crystal ball, but I can feel him slowly slipping away. Maybe because he's angry and he's not that into me. Well, I wish him the best. I just want to know if it's that easy to turn your back against someone nowadays. Will I find a man that can make me fall in love with them? Will I find a man that will fall in love with me, now that I feel so numb and jaded? I am not angry... maybe a little, and I want to just let it all out - the numbness, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. I just want to feel loved again. No one loves me anymore. And you know what, I'm not going to assign my peace of mind to him anymore... He can choose to live his life, be with some other woman and I'm just going to wish them well. I must learn to let go and now, I'm going to take the first step. I want to be free of him, so I can heal and be a better person. No more wishing and no more hoping. I just want to find my backbone and live again.