Propinquity

I spent the other day with a guy I haven't seen for two years. His name is Jerome. He used to work with me in GoFluent and is so much younger than I am. It was spontaneous, have coffee and just hang cos he's studying for a client meeting. But of course, along the lines of talking, venting and bitch brewing about working, we had to talk about love, and life and breaking up and other things... 

He taught me the meaning of this word without so much as batting an eyelash. Propinquity. An age-old social science concept that makes me cringe because I hate subjectivity but nevertheless, astounds me. How many people in the world can you actually say you have propinquity with? 

There's just much to ponder. Why is it that people fall for someone whom they have something in common with? At the beginning of the relationship, you always tend to look for something in common, something that bonds you, something that unravels the person in front of you... 

Just yesterday, I spent time with Drei and Yogi. Drei himself being a victim of a long-term relationship break-up. That was propinquity. He loves documentaries, likes the Discovery shows, watches How I Met Your Mother religiously, drinks, smokes, born in August, intellectual, close to his immediate family, loves his friends and has common friends with me - PROPINQUITY. So what makes me not want to jump him? PROPINQUITY. Common friends, common issues, common baggage = more stress. 

The thought alone makes me want to question what the science of attraction is from the get-go. What is it that makes someone so irresistible that he/she/it would be the one? 

What exactly makes you want to fall for someone? And fight for it? 

The other day, the random man that I was in a flirtation (yeah, let's call it that, cos what the hell was it, right?!) with for 2 months has called it quits. He decided to date someone. He wants something serious which I can never (not now, maybe next year?) provide. I can give him all the coffee, ciggies, support, talking and even sexy times he wants but not what he may really want.  I decided to think that it's good for him because he is a good man, a very responsible and honest and wonderful (and oh my God, very sexy - damn!!) man. But my ego can't help but be offended by what happened. I was pretty close. Propinquity was there. Same thing - same baggage (his GF left him), same things we like (coffee and talk), same concerns (we haven't had sex for a while) and well, common fears (being the rebound person, among others). But he chose someone else, I guess someone with a clean slate with no onerous and ominous past. Should I have lied and said I was not in pain? Should I have lied and said I can be his everything? Should I have told him I loved him and made love to him even when I can't and couldn't? What is the basis of my propinquity with this man? If heartaches and break-ups were the only things we had in common (yeah, I think it was...in hindsight), why and how did we get pulled to each other? Was it just for physical reasons? (Yes, yes, in my mind, I am sexy too! PROPINQUITY!!! Damn it!). I think yeah... and along the lines, I misread and chose to ignore subtle signs that could make it work. 

I'm going to admit to only one thing and one thing alone... no matter what people say. I miss him, damned it. Fuck propinquity. 

Still Unhappy

I just got invited to go the Reserve, in Julio Vargas tonight. I turned it down. I decided to stay home cos my life shouldn't be a myriad of parties and endless drunken nights anymore. 

6 months without a love life - yup, he broke up with me, have you been keeping up?! 

5 months without guilt - finally, after a month, I forgave myself for supposedly ruining our relationship. Hey, he chickened out! 

4 months of being 29 years old - almost 30, damned it!!! 

3 months of being a good friend to my teammates at work - I am not the lone wolf anymore! 

2 months of being in a flirtatious thing with someone... girl or guy, I'm not gonna say, hahaha! 

35 days without alcohol - the get tipsy kind. Cos I had Jager last night and a little beer earlier. 

20 days of wondering when the heck my period is gonna come - doc placed me on another medication

10 days since my HPV shot - the price of being promiscuous (according to a good friend), in my case, just needed to cos the company will pay for half of it... 

4 days without excessive coffee 

N raised to the power of X as Y approaches zero days without sex - yeah, I really should have an animalistic bump and grind soon. 

So, am I still unhappy? 

Me last night, with one of my good friends, Cee Pua. 

Me, after work... Sans the make-up 

After chatting with a friend over coffee and cigs

Yogi buying me coffee with an artistic effect via the window... 

I am not unhappy. I'm actually relieved. This has nothing to do with the ex nor does it have anything to do with anything from the past. I'm just ready to live my life. 

On Oct 16th, I saw the worst of me. I hit rock bottom and really fell into a bad depression. No one can actually say that I didn't try, I didn't do my best to fight for the best that we can do. I actually did. I did my part and I can't be blamed anymore. I fought for us and fought for him... no matter what he or his family or his friends think. I saw Joyce, and told her about my dilemma. I cried for hours and believed that there is no one that can lift me up. I realized though that no knight in shining armor would come. I had to be my own messiah, my own savior. I am not going to wait for a man nor am I going to wait for a redemption. I had to be my own best cheerleader, my own ring leader, my own everything and I found myself to be stronger. 

This is the day I reclaimed my life from him and started living again. Jeoff is dead to me, at least the Jeoff I loved. I am dead too, but I remain alive and I try to retain that life.