you don't say!

I looked at my old blog again today. Man, was i stoned or what?! I didn't know i could write this way...

This was an entry dated May 21st of 2006.
Title: The Emancipation of Meg

adults learn best by doing.

i learned what love was by loving.

and now i'm ready to let go.

i have moments where i wish that he will return.

i am wishing nothing but the best for him.

i hope that he considers that the love i felt was real.

but tonight...

when everything has weighed so heavily in my heart and my pride can't take any more beating...

i can not depend on him to please me.

i can not live through him

through the hope that one day he will be mine alone.

he will always wander

and i am not any better than the people he will meet.

there will always be a better me...

someone wiser

braver

more beautiful

more spiritual

his queen

who am i but a fallen angel?

contending with a charmer will not do...

i am emancipating myself from the hope that was brought to me by this love.

i am emancipating myself from the face of heaven

true love has brought me closer.. healed my wings a little

now that i have lost it

i am broken again.

i am lost again

engulfed in this darkness, i turn to power

i turn to the healing nature of the need to be in control

i may not be able to touch the face of heaven ever again

but i will find the face of God

should i not be able to fly again

i will learn to jump and aim for salvation

because heaven knows that i would love nothing than to be in paradise

rather than the infernal emptiness that surrounds me now.

At this point in my life, I was nursing a badly bruised ego and a shattered heart. I didn't realize that I really felt all these until I revisited my blog. I think there is so much to learn from these previous posts, so I'm going to dig through these posts time and again. I hate seeing a sadder part of me come to life through these posts but I think it's great that I get to reflect on them.

A Christmas Prayer

Dear God,

Thanks for blessing me with so much. Friends that I can count on, a family that have carried me through 20-odd years of my life, a career that sustains my intellectual growth and a love that allows me to be true and honest.

Do You remember when I begged You not so long ago to end my suffering? And through Dave, you showed me a sign that suffering is my choice? Do You remember when I asked You not too long ago, to allow me to recover from the pain? And through Irish, You showed me that the pain will remain forever but will make me stronger? Do You remember when I wished that You make me whole again? And through my mom, you showed me that I never really lost anything but a little part of me and that I am still whole, I am still Meg. These were in the past, and now I am contented. I am happy. I am real again. I feel and I see, but more importantly, I have learned to trust and allow myself to be vulnerable again.

This year was pretty special. You saw me through so much... I have changed jobs, lost friends, found lovers, almost died, lived to tell the tale, felt crushed, got destroyed and existed through it all. I see Your hand in all these things. It was a wake-up call for me, it was a slap in the face and gentle prodding and I thank You for showing me the direction I needed to take. I see the love that You have for me... I have constantly refused, but I thank You for never giving up on me.

I thank You for opening me to true love and real faith. Now I know that I should never question You, nor should I even try. I see the light, and in my Christmas prayer, I thank You for the warmth of this light. Happy birthday! Ü

Love,
Meg

preponderance

It's funny how you start out in a new company and you're not quite sure of what to expect. That is what is happening to me.
So far, I like the company I am working for. It has a lot of good in it, compared to the other companies I have worked for. Here, as they promised, I am less stressed and I feel like I have a life outside of work. I think I understand that phrase better now..."work-life balance". Aaah...yes, I am learning how to work and not take it home. I never even downloaded the software we use in the company for my house. Why you ask? I don't need to! I am pretty darned sure that I will be notified immediately if I have a lesson lurking around.
Yes... if I could advertise my company to those who haven't found that balance yet... man, send me an IM and I'll so tell you!
Okay, the pay is not as good as my previous jobs, but man, the peasure of logging off and logging on time is precious! It is so sweet, I think I'm gonna have to give my friend, Vicki a hug for bringing me into this sweet company.
I have no complaints thus far. I have meant so little to all my other companies, I mean, I have been taught that the machinery runs without you and all that shit, and I have been wanting so badly to prove to myself that I am indeed indispensable... Here, yah, the machine runs without you, but you're always told that it's not the same way. I have colleagues who were former teachers, trainers and architects and they chose this profession. Guess it all worked out for them.
I have asked myself time and again what I have done in this life to make things happen for me. I mean, for the first time in my life, I am enjoying my job, my family and my friends, and yes, a lovelife...! Well, it's a pretty difficult lovelife that I have to spread the love throught the phone or through the internet. My boyfriend is pretty far-about a few thousand miles away to be exact. He is in Canada, while I'm in Manila... Yeah, I know, why even bother. Well, when you love someone, it's pretty darn hard not to try. People ask me if I trust him well enough to know that he won't wander while he's there. And I confidently say yes. Not cos I'm damned sure of myself, but more because I have to. I do go half-crazy sometimes, thinking that there might be someone else. But then when we do talk, everything seems to be in order... And at least he calms my fears. Although sometimes, I still have to ask whether or not he loves me. He's not as mushy as I am. But he does make my spine tingle just a little bit. Ü
I have been in close contact with his parents and friends. Do you know how hard it is to always be nice? I mean, I am nice, but man... we're talking about IMPRESSING his parents, his family, his friends, and sometimes, it is so darn hard. I remember spending one whole day in the mall, trying to rack my brains for something nice and cute to give his mom for Christmas. Man, by the time I got the gift, I was about to gouge my eyes out of exhaustion.
Oh well, wonder if he is even thinking of the same things. Ah, probably not. Ü

think different

Here's to the crazy ones.
The misfits.
The rebels.
The troublemakers.
The round pegs in the square holes.
The ones who see things differently.
They're not fond of rules
And they have no respect for the status quo.
You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them,
disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you can't do is ignore them.
Because they change things.
They invent. They imagine. They heal.
They explore. They create. They inspire.
They push the human race forward.
Maybe they have to be crazy.
How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art?
Or sit in silence and hear a song that's never been written?
Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?
We make tools for these kinds of people.
While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think that they can
change the world, are the ones who do.

Yup, it was an APPLE commercial, but i lurve it! Ü

have you ever?

have you ever loved somebody so badly that you would do anything and everything to keep them happy?

have you ever found something so precious that it makes you cry not seeing it for just one moment?

have you ever made a wish that someday, somehow, you will see life as it was meant to be...with the one you love and the one who loves you?

have you ever?

did you ever stop to consider that life is true? and that love is a passing and fleeting thing...and the choices you make everyday of your life strengthens that?

you see love as a thought, an idealistic point of view...

but have you ever seen it in one's persons' eyes?

and have you ever felt it radiate from a person's smile?

and have you felt it exude from someone's soul?

have you ever been in love the way i am now?

have you ever taken the risk?

to hear the unheard, to see the unseen, to feel the unfelt-to trust the impossible. that is faith... that is love.

that is me.

goddess!

i so wanna be like her!

scared...

i talked with my boyfriend's good friend over the phone yesterday. too bad i had some major problems logging in to my own computer that i wasn't able to fully release some of the tension i felt

i am scared about what she said
she said that my boyfriend might have thought of coming back to his ex.
might have - you know this is a probability... an offchance, an uncompounded unreal frame of mind that has everything to do with chance
chance in french is luck... a bit of a fortune or success
success is spelled by the amount of times you've lost but never failed to get back on your feet
feet is something that you use to trample on people...
and people are usually social beings, incapable of being alone, according to socrates
socrates was a homosexual maniac who feasted on his young learner's body in exchange of wisdom
wisdom is very relative...on one hand, you're the wise man from the east, the next, you're the wise guy nobody wants to talk with
and if nobody wants to talk with you, then you are alone...
and you do not mingle with people... you are not a social animal
and being a social animal, you crave people so you tend to grovel and kiss people's asses, not to mention their feet just for some attention
and once you learn that people are mostly interested in themselves, you succeed
and suceeding in this endeavor, you earn true fortune, cos you might just end up with one good friend. odd chances, but there is still that chance nevertheless
and that chance just might happen, cos we live in a world of probabilities and never ending possibilities
and that's what drives me to be so scared...

a fallen angel

before the great fall...God made angels the most beautiful and majestic creatures. angels had wings of white gold, spectacular in width, strength immeasurable.... angels had golden fluid hair, gracefully cascading to their backs, to their waists... angels had eyes of pure light, peering straight into a mortal's soul... angels had faces of ethereal peace, pure tranquility, honesty and love, yes love...

until pride came along.

pride became the drug of choice - the power that came with so much exquisite beauty and authority took its toll. angels weren't perfect after all. angels were never perfect, though they strived so hard to be. angels had faults, formed factions, revolted against God, and they tried to overthrow the hand that fed them their grace and peace.

angels tried and failed...

angels fell...

angels were punished....

angels were sentenced to roam the earth, searching for their purpose in life. searching for the one true love that was pure, honest and noble, free of pride, void of hatred and made of honesty, gentleness, innocence and peace.

angels roamed the earth for eons... hundreds of millions of years... and some of them failed. some of them gave up and never tried to find that love. some of them chose to wait. some of them chose to hate everything that was associated with love. some of them chose the darker path. some of them chose to take a path that was so disconnected with love that they lost the humanity and assumed that everything they were doing was a part of the battle to reclaim their majesty. in each lifetime, the angels would be reborn into different personas, with different wants and needs, but with the same purpose in life-to find the one love that would break them free of the cycle that was engulfing them, to put an end to the pride, the hurt, the pain, the anguish and the torture that greed and vanity caused them.

i was born into a family that belived in love, marriage and forever. i was born into a life of satisfaction. i never understood my unbelieveable need for power. i am not a fallen angel, but i roamed the earth for 24 years seeking immeasurable power... and greed was the prime motivator. i walked the earth searching for knowledge, begging for authority and hungry for domination. until i met a wanderer that fought the biggest battle that i never can hurdle. my fear of love. my fear of being vulnerable. my fear of losing control.

i have found that true love that is void of pride and fear and anguish. i have found that true love in me. and i have found the one that i can love unconditionally.

broken wings need to heal. fallen angels need to fly again. they were expected to find the love that will give them back the majesty of being able to fly to touch the face of heaven once more. to bring them closer to the forgiveness of God.

now, my wings are starting to heal. i need to be closer to God's embrace...

i want to thank Him for the love that made my wings heal...