Crashing Into Someone

I just spent the latter part of the day with friends, in a 24-hour spa. I was naked the whole afternoon... It's a pretty freaky and yet liberating experience. I spent some time in the jacuzzi with 5 or so other naked women and thankfully, my contacts were off, thus I wasn't able to look at others' boobs or booties, wondering if mine even hits the chart, haha! I just thought that somehow, I do still feel uneasy about being naked in front of other people whereas other women just took their towels off without any hesitation. My apprehensions about being naked will surely lessen someday, with more visits to that spa...

Spent the day with Chloe again, still worried about Jon. Crying, getting crazy about missing him. It's extremely sad, for her. She can't move on because they work together. She always has this crazy thought that she misses the guy so badly that she keeps regretting her decision to break up.

She asked me earlier how I coped with 6 break-ups and how I wormed my way back into normalcy. I told her that there's no such thing. Honestly, there is no way that you can ask for a normal, regular life right after a break-up. I was being asked questions like how I felt and what it was like with us being so apart and Jeoff breaking up with me over the phone. I told her the truth - that I felt so empty. It really tore me up inside that I kept thinking about pain and death and why God wouldn't strike me dead right where I was standing every time Jeoff would break up with me. There's this crushing pain in my heart, and then, there would be this amazingly huge gaping void in my being. I told her that anyone who has had their heart broken by the one the love the most knows what I feel. It can be likened to something dying inside you and there is nothing but a black hole that sucks out the life in you. And everyday becomes a struggle to fight the black hole so it won't take any more, but you know that everyday, something inside dies. It was so hard to explain. It doesn't really have words... I probably looked normal on the outside but it hit so hard when I get home. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and there was nothing that made me laugh... nothing made me happy. It was literally like my heart popped out and the pain was just so unbearable, my body can hardly contain it.

However, I fought for it.

I told her that if she really did love Jon, there would not be a decision to break up. There would be a decision to play it out and find the best option, like compromise or maybe even a cooling-off period if she really wanted some time to think. However, she made the ultimate decision to never fight for it thought she's weakening her resolve. 

It's crazy... I wish she'd get over that anxiety soon.

Sadness

For some reason, I can't quite convince myself to keep still. I'm jumpy, I'm weird and I have a mood swing problem the size of a dilapidated building in 5th avenue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm picking fights with Jeoff when there is no reason to. He insists that we keep pictures of us kissing in private. I deleted a whole album in serious disappointment. I wanted to delete every little picture of us. I seriously wanted to shoot him. Tsk tsk... I kept ranting about what the heck he's hiding and who he's hiding it from. I am in fact overreacting. I am unbelievably angry. I guess I do feel deprived... And I seriously don't want to analyze it.

If you have an answer for me, go ahead and try to explain it to me cos I sure as hell can't figure it out. I love the guy but sometimes, he makes me so angry. And yet I do wanna see him... I am so frigging weird! This hormone thing, so sucks. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl with a PMS issue. It's borne of being away from cola and chocolates for such a long time. And keeping away from carbs! Yeah, it's that, and only that.

What sucks more is that I am always sleep-deprived. I can't get to sleep and I can't sleep well. And not to mention the fact that Nickelodeon only shows the Nick Jr. line in the wee hours of the morning. What kind of a toddler is awake at 3AM? Can someone please tell me?! I am so confused...!

There's more to this than meets the eye I know. It must be the thousands of hours of pure commercial commute.

I am angry... no I'm not, just irritated, vexed and pissed - incredibly miffed. Oh what the heck...!

I guess what I'm saying is I'm depressed. I am getting incredibly lonely. I know I should never admit to being lonely and it sucks because right now, I am admitting to it. I feel alone. My friends are mostly married, one of them isn't but has a boyfriend she'd rather spend time with. Some other friends are incredibly toxic (yes, people...some friends can be considered toxic, you know, people who suck life out of you cos they can't suck the life out of someone else or from a bottle of alcohol). Some of my other friends are hard to contact. I have always liked myself - being alone - being in the center of something special or monumental, but now, for the first time, I find myself incredibly alone.

Jeoff is a million miles away, and no matter what he says, no matter how he claims that he's with me, he's just physically not with me. The loneliness is creepy... it's so dark and morbid. I'm not withdrawn or anything... just incredibly sad. People deal with this - and I dealt with this before. I don't understand what the hell changed between now and then that this has come to be so hard.

Maybe, it was meant to test my character.

As if I haven't been tested enough...

As of this writing, I am sleep-deprived, cigarette-free for hours now and listening to something incredibly gay (Clay Aiken)... Yes, I am being tested.

Ink Blot

I feel like I'm this huge sheet of paper with a big black ink blot. It's worthless now.

I broke someone's trust. I did something horrible. I don't know what the hell came over me. I just know that somehow, I didn't mean to... And I only have myself to blame.

For the longest time, I thought I was really good at something, and somehow, I feel so gone and lost. I feel lost at sea, and I'm drifting away so violently. Like being swept away...

How do you forgive yourself?

Maybe if I write something nice on that blank sheet of paper, the huge black ink blot will be less noticeable. And maybe, just maybe, somehow, that sheet of paper will be worth something again.

Losing Faith

Life has its limits...

Lyrics | If I Ever Lose My Faith In You lyrics

It was last March when I last saw Jeoff. It has been a good year and four months. Yesterday, we just spoke and for some reason, I've never felt more comfortable with him. He has been laughing at my jokes more, been more interested somehow in most of what I say. He has been patiently calling me despite the fact that I am just dead weight on my bed. It has been honestly, great! I mean people at work have been asking me how we make it work and all I keep saying is that you really have to work on it because the patience, the amount of trust and sense of humor should be way up there to make it work. People in the office have caught me sneaking into the pantry, just to answer a call. We haven't fought about anything for the past few months. I'm hoping it's not just a stroke of luck. I'm hoping that we're finally learning to see how everything should be.

I was pretty honest. About the proposal, the job, my fears, my pains - I guess when it all boils down to it, when you get to talk about everything, there's some hope that things will go well.

I guess when God gives you a slightly sucky job, He gives you a greater perspective in life. I've been amazingly blessed with such an understanding boyfriend. I know, mushy crap I need to write. Someday, Jeoff's going to be thankful that I mentally note all of the kindness he has been showing me. Haha...Ok, so if he's reading this, you better be thankful! :D

For some reason, he remains to be the one I run to. Friends have failed me so much that it hurts to think that I should probably give up on trusting altogether. Somehow, he is still the one I long to speak with at the end of the day. Thank God I found my center.

Lost

It's funny when you start off knowing where you are and end up in a sea of confusion...

I'm wondering if I've lost the magic touch. Back then, I'd be wonderful... Whenever I get into a new company, I'd be dazzling everyone with the touch of gold. All my ideas are valued and my skills are treasured and it makes everyone amazed. Now, for some reason, I am not getting everyone to go "Woah, she can't make water into wine, can she?!". I have been, for the past 3 days trying to understand all kinds of applications. I have been learning Active Directory, Oracle, Symphony and even Hyperion. Believe it or not, I am to support these applications in the next two weeks. I have several more applications to work on. Citrix being one of them, including VPN, and other such applications. I've never felt more lost...

It feels like I'm a fish out of water again. I am in a huge ocean of IT sharks and I'm the only guppy left behind. I am shark bait and I'm just waiting for the big bad ocean to give me that one shark that would swallow me whole. I got a 13/20 on my first assessment. Hell, it ain't even a passing mark. You know what? Hell I care, I got a good score. For someone who has never done tech support, I'm a really bad-ass candidate!

Well, the plan was really for me to go for it and in gung ho fashion...
I don't think I have the right to question my own decision. I studied the potential and took the time to research and fight my way into getting this job. I think I have the right to make mistakes and to learn from them. Well, little note to self, I'll do better the next time. I swear it!

Personality Disordered

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (78%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun. Emotional Stability (61%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Inquisitiveness (64%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

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Oh my Gosh! I am so not a martyr! I just like to help people out!

I think I agree with the Emotional Stability part. LOL!

Tests

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 58% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||| 34% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||| 18% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 46% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||| 30% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

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Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).
General Note: the validity and reliability of DSM personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community. They are determined by the American Psychiatric Association and will likely be revised in the future.
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (22.8%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (77.2%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?(word pair test)
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Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

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According to Darwinian theory, optimal evolution takes place with random variation and selective retention. The evolution savvy individual will try many different approaches when faced with a problem and select the best of those approaches. Many historical intellectuals have confessed their advantage was simply considering/exploring/trying more approaches than others. The left brain dominant type suffers from limited approaches, narrow-mindedness. The right brain dominant type suffers from too many approaches, scatterbrained. To maintain balanced hemispheres, you need to exercise both variability and selection. Just as a company will have more chance of finding a great candidate by increasing their applicant pool, an individual who considers a wider set of options is more likely to make quality decisions.

What Famous Leader Are You?
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That isn't very cool. LOL!