Could Have Been's

I haven't blogged for some time. I mean, it's been one serious event after another. All the drinking and booze-y nights I've had with team mates and friends and even family has made the transition to singlehood easy yet painstaking. I don't really like alcohol cos it has this superbly disturbing effect on me. I tend to be more awake than sleepy when I drink. Lolz. I know, I know, I'm just one of those people that don't digest it as nicely as other people do. But my limit has gone up. I can now drink 7 bottles of light beer without passing out. Hahaha!

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It's not like I have fans or anything but every time my mom and/or dad decides to give me something silly, like a tub of ice cream or  either one allows me not to get out of bed for one whole day, it makes me feel like I've let them down. They seem so comfortable in knowing that I'm depressed, that I'm in a rut, that I'm lovelorn and hopeless... Hahaha! No one has given me the fuck it, get out of your freakin' bed and stop eating that ice cream speech. Well, my friends are all really busy. My best friend, Cymmie just gave birth. Jack and Chloe are moving to Australia. Irish is busy with church. Winch is going through his own depression. Aileen and Arnel are getting ready for their baby. Yogi is well, himself... I guess I am starting to think that my depression is only mine. No one is going to sit down with me and tell me to move on or yell at me or say things like "you can do it, Meg, you're great...". It's all mine. But it doesn't help that some people did believe that I will get married, that he and I will be the exception - that long distance relationships all falter and die.

So to people who don't know... I just ended a 4-year relationship with a man whose name will never be mentioned. He took my heart and broke it into pieces, not that it's entirely his fault. I have to say that I had a hand, well, I had a huge hand in it. I didn't cheat or anything, but it was grave and I insulted his family, I made such a huge issue of certain things following his mother's comments about me and my family over the phone. I don't know, somehow, people gave me their theories about what happened. They keep telling me that he has another woman, that he's gay, that he has no balls, that he just lacked the drive, that he's afraid of commitment but my favorite is that he fell out of love, cos I think that is the most possible one. He woke up one day and he chose not to love me anymore. Nothing to it, it happens. It makes sense. It fits. Everything that mattered one day didn't matter anymore. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to make him happy, I was not worth the fight, I wasn't the one. I just wish he didn't waste my time. Hahaha... I could have slept around in my twenties. Now, I'm a 30-year old washed-up hasbeen and the only guys that want to sleep with me are those that I rejected in my early twenties. Hahaha. Okay,so I write this with all the dripping sarcasm and disdain of a scorned woman but I know myself well enough to know that somehow, I wouldn't have slept with any of them even then. Well, who am I kidding? Even now. Hahaha! 

So, over the weekend, I keep hearing this damned song. Via Videoke, the television, Youtube, I mean God knows, it was all over the place and I just thought, you know what, indulge... What could have been? I could have been a wife, a mother, a lover, a sweet addition to a family. I could have been the one... I could have made him breakfast every day, wearing my robe after a wonderful sleep, making pancakes and brewing coffee. I could have made Coddled Eggs with Jerusalem Artichokes for breakfast, or even Eggs Benedict, maybe some bacon on the side. I'd then get ready for work... shower with him, maybe to save water. Then have a quick make-up routine while he dresses up in his shirt and slacks. I'd put on my slacks and soccer-mom sweater set. We'd call each other for lunch cos he'd be working on one side of the Toronto area and I'd probably be somewhere in the middle so I can pick up groceries and pay for the bills after work. Somewhere near the post office, so we don't get late payment fees on the mortgage and my car payments. I'd be home before him, cooking some minestrone I learned from Giada or Nigella the other day. I'd have some store-bought cornbread so we can have a hearty meal. When he comes home, I'd be fresh off the shower, his slippers would be on the couch and I'd have done some light laundry. He'll be sitting on his Lazy Boy, flipping channels.I'd be giving him a light kiss and a nice back rub. Then I'd sit beside him for some TV and some soup...  His sister may be joining us for dinner, or I would have picked her up after grocery-shopping. She'd be joining us for some crazy conversation about her silly colleagues. His parents would call at night. I'd have a quick pow-wow with them and then they would talk to him. On weekends, we'd be jogging around in the park, near the mall... We'd have brunch then go to church. Then maybe go to the mall or just veg out. I like vegging out on weekends. Sleep through out the afternoon and maybe have a nice romantic dinner at night. 

There are so many things that could have been. 

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not regretful. Every single thing that lead me up to this, I would do again. Not because I don't know any better or because I know any worse, but because I am accountable for myself. I feel terrible for ruining my chances of what could-have-been's but you know what, if I was really loved, if I was someone worth fighting for, I would been fought for. If I was really the one, I would not have could-have-been's. I would be living them now. 

I'm not the one. I was let go of. In this world, that happens. I keep playing it in my head. I wasn't the one who let go, I kept on and I showed courage. I showed love in the most unbelievable stages of our lives together, unconditional, true, unfailing. Even when insults came at me, I stood up and vowed that I will love him forever. I am not sorry for loving him. I'm sorry for the consequences of my actions. I wish somehow, his parents will see that they push people away. I felt torn down every time I came across their path. I felt sad every time I met them cos they really make me feel like I was going to do something wrong, like I wasn't going to do right by their son. I hope the next woman that comes into his life will have more support from his parents. Maybe that's all I'm good for. I'm the woman that will be their yardstick for life - you know, if some Debbie, Angela or Rosemary enters his life, at least she's much better than Meg, and quite honestly, if that is what would make him happy, then I'm all for it. 

I have not given up on love. I'm just giving up on this one. I loved truly and unconditionally. I love him still. I don't care if you frown upon it or if you feel like you should slap me silly. I know I do and it's useless to lie to myself about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he doesn't anymore. He couldn't care less anymore about what goes on in my life. The tone of his emails have gone from slightly accusatory "I thought you lined your weekends up with men" to one-liners like "Ok" in a span of a week. I think he's meeting people and having fun, which should be the case. I always hoped he'd be back and he'd sweep me off my feet and say he loves me. That's not going to happen... 

The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing...I guess our song is over as we began to sing...

Good Girls Go Gaga

I don't really know why for some reason, I am loving this song. I don't intend to go bad anytime... nor do i have thoughtless friends. Just that it's stuck in my head for some reason...

I have come to a few realizations for my birthday and funny thing is, I don't really want to share them verbally. Better do it through my blog. Crazy...

   1. I don't process raw food...
   2. For some reason, I have come have aches and pains all over - I now use a bottle of wintergreen oil to get rid of back pains. Weird.
   3. I am crazy in love with nerds - Jeoff, Chuck and well, Superman - ultimate geek right? Lolz...
   4. I like Ube-flavored ice cream... Pretty crazy but I like it.
   5. I listen to Lady Gaga and I am not ashamed of it. Haha!
   6. I play Facebook games to escape reality - reality being deadlines, admin work and tons of crazy shit in the office.
   7. I am not meant to be in the political arena.
   8. I hate conniving and manipulative bitches who think they can get away with anything by raising their voices, flirting, showing cleavage and pretending they know all about Six Sigma Management Principles.
   9. Someday, justice will fall swift on people who owe me big time...
  10. I really want to get married, have kids and become a good wife and mother. I know no one sees me as that, considering how cutthroat I am but dear gawd, I'd bawl over for an opportunity to become Mrs. Jeoff Francisco now. I miss him.

Considering my top 10 list, I have to ask how people perceive me. I really have come to a point where I don't care. There are a lot of idiots out there and the only thing that matters to me is my family, who really should know me and who really should understand me. No one else needs to know who I am and what I am about except the people that matter. This is my bad phase I guess. I have been such a good girl for so long. People always need to be pleased but honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm turning 28. It's now or never...

Bucket List

I watched "The Bucket List" last Sunday evening. It was one tear-jerking, crazy funny movie that everyone has to see...

I'm so amazed with how the story was played-out. It all starts with Morgan Freeman's character, Carter, who was diagnosed with cancer and was brought into Mr. Edward Cole's (Jack Nicholson) hospital. When Edward was diagnosed with cancer as well, he was made to bunk in with Carter due to his own policies about hospital rooms having 2 patients each. What followed was a barrage of disturbing chemo-related stories and them weakening with every day. One day, Carter was scribbling his bucket list - a list of things that he wanted to do before he kicked the bucket. It's an amazing and beautiful story where Carter sees the world with a friend, his profession being an auto-mechanic with a brain that could beat Jeopardy contestants in a heartbeat while Edward finances everything that they have written on the bucket list.

Towards the latter part, Edward gets a letter from Carter

Dear Edward,

I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband; I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me, so rather than try, I'm just going to ask you to do something else for me-find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true-you're certainly not everyone, but everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.

One of my favorite scenes was the eulogy for Carter where Edward was crying and he strikes "Help a complete stranger" off the list when he realized that Carter helped him more than he could ever imagine.

Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side.

It also stars Sean Hayes as "Tom", Edward's assistant and butler who is actually named Matthew but was renamed by Edward only because Matthew seems too biblical. 5 stars from me for the funny, sad and deeply moving movie.

Taxi Cab

I was waiting for a cab earlier today after getting down from the MRT. My head was throbbing really hard because it was incredibly hot and I really shouldn't have worn my blue dress shirt. I was in the corner of Ortigas Avenue and ADB when this elderly woman approached me and asked me where Medical City was...

"Alam ko po, sa may Ugong pa yun eh. Pwede po kayong sumakay ng jeep papunta dun." (From what I know, it's near Ugong. You can ride a jeep to get there)
The elderly woman just nodded. She looked old and frail. It seems like walking to Robinson's could be a problem.
"Ay miss, sakay na lang po kayo ng Taxi." (Miss, you can ride a cab) And I offered her my one and only ride to Ortigas Building. I know it was going to be at least 15 minutes until I get another cab.

I walked from where I was to ADB, and felt really sore. My feet were hurting cos of the heeled shoes I was wearing and for some weird reason, my tummy felt incredibly full. (Yes, yes, I have forgone all types of diet and ate some bagels earlier, and I really should have taken the Imodium my brother kept asking me to take.)

When I got to the office, I was sweating and puffing. But man, that really felt good. Maybe I was meant to be a doormat. Take that, Myles! Haha!

honest

I went to the laundry house earlier. It does have a clever name - Laundry Matt. Talking with Tito Mateo, the owner and his helper, Ate Ana, it was as funny as hell.

"Tito, magpapalaba po ako ng blanket, magkano na po ba un?" (Uncle - typical Pinoy way of greeting an elderly man, I'm going to ask you to wash some blankets, how much would that be?) I asked.
"Ah okay lang, 55 pesos per kilo yung blanket, comforters namin 75 pesos."(That's okay, 55 pesos per kilo for blankets, 75 pesos for comforters", replied the elderly old man who wanted to be called "Matt".
I placed the huge plastic bag I had with two comforters. The scale read 5.75 or 5 and three-fourths.
Ate Ana was standing behind me, and was looking at the reading. "Ah sakto, 5 and a halves..." she quipped...
"Ate hindi po, 5 and three-fourths po..." I said as quickly as I can.
Tito Mateo, standing over the reading, beamed proudly... "Yan si Michelle, LAGING nagsasabi ng totoo...". (That's Michelle, ALWAYS telling the truth.)

I wanted to die right then and there.

Ink Blot

I feel like I'm this huge sheet of paper with a big black ink blot. It's worthless now.

I broke someone's trust. I did something horrible. I don't know what the hell came over me. I just know that somehow, I didn't mean to... And I only have myself to blame.

For the longest time, I thought I was really good at something, and somehow, I feel so gone and lost. I feel lost at sea, and I'm drifting away so violently. Like being swept away...

How do you forgive yourself?

Maybe if I write something nice on that blank sheet of paper, the huge black ink blot will be less noticeable. And maybe, just maybe, somehow, that sheet of paper will be worth something again.

Impossibility

I was being idle in the office when I decided to view my old emails.
I read the really really old ones. The ones where I was apologizing to a man I love sweetly and dearly. The ones where he wrote that he needs to be alone to find out who he is.



After he moved back to North York, I remember him calling me one day, when I was busy watching TV show on the Lifestyle Network with my mom, which we do often, although we both can't bake... It was ridiculous because all my senses came to life. It's as if everything I was hiding was awakened. He broke up with me and we kept in touch through email. I sort of started it, because I just "disappeared" from his life. I chose not to update my Friendster and deleted all blogs he might be able to find. I chose to be ungooglable (Read: No link on Google would ever be traced to me). So I sent him an email...saying hi generally. Back then, I was resigned that he would never be with me again. That he was in love with his ex and he would never choose me over her.

Well... 3 years later. Here we are. Sometimes, God gives you a miracle. I know He also can take it away. Now more than ever, I am reminded that people live such short lives. I only wish I can live a full one, being with him. I only wish he won't lose that love.

Fear

Fear is an emotion that makes us blind. How many things are we afraid of? We're afraid to turn off the lights when our hands are wet. We're afraid to stick a knife into the toaster to get the stuck English muffin without unpluggin it first. We're afraid of what the doctor may tell us when the physical exam is over; when the airplane suddenly takes a great unearthly lurch in midair. We're afraid that the oil may run out, that the good air will run out, the good water, the good life. When the daughter promised to be in by eleven and it's now quarter past twelve and sleet is spatting against the window like dry sand, we sit and pretend to watch Johnny Carson and look occasionally at the mute telephone and we feel the emotion that makes us blind, the emotion that makes a stealthy ruin of the thinking process.
-Stephen King, Nightshift (Published 1978, Foreword section)

I have to be honest. I am usually an orthodox scaredy cat with all sorts of fears in my mind. Sometimes, I still drive myself crazy, scared of how and why everything seems so perfect when it should be screwed up, and how and why everything seems so screwed up when it should be perfect. I am afraid of a whole lot of things. Things that might seems incredibly petty and simple. Things like being late for work, being caught in a web of lies made by supposed friends, being sucked into a relationship that might not have any meaning to the person you have loved for so long... I'm scared of losing friends, losing family members, losing loved-ones, losing my mind, losing what little intelligence I have, losing my confidence because of a stupid mishap that can't be avoided, losing a fight that I have long prepared for, losing ground, losing my edge, losing something I have.

They say that fear is an emotion that makes you go blind. It also makes you deaf, mute and unbelievably stupid.

People say that it is only fear that you should fear. Everything else must be faced with open arms. Anything unknown is an adventure. Anything new is fair game. Anything undiscovered must be explored and conquered, like a new land... a new treasure... a new opportunity.

I had a nightmare last night. How apt, I just finished watching "Nightmare Before Christmas".

I sincerely can't remember having nightmares. Apparently, I have had some before. It wasn't as one could imagine it to be. It was surreal. It wasn't monsters, or demons. It was amazingly human and distinctly very medical.

I slept at 5 in the morning earlier. Not wanting to miss a movie, and not wanting to lay off the Christmas merriment. No, I wasn't eating. I wasn't drinking. I was smoking, but only a couple of sticks. And no, I wasn't even taking anything - not even vitamins!

I remember dreaming about someone, who I can't remember. I can see myself in my couch, falling asleep. I can hear the same people partying outside our house (the community sponsors a street party every year). I distinctly remember feeling like I'm trying to wake up. Wanting to scream but can't... I can remember attempting three times and not succeeding. I remember hearing someone say "turn, goddamnit". I remember breathing hard. I remember the feeling that my chest was on fire and my whole body going clammy and cold. I could feel my veins being drained of blood. And how, I can't describe, perhaps cos I lack the words. I can even remember being air-light... like dancing on air. I remember screaming with no sound. My hands on my face, scratching like crazy that had I moved my fingers through my face that way, I would have wounded and gouged my eyes. I can never forget wanting so badly to scream and not being able to, wanting so badly to wake up and I can't.

I heard a voice saying "You'll never wake up. You'll never wake up." then I heard someone laughing.

I kept turning, i know I did! And it wasn't working. My whole body was paralyzed.

Finally, I clutched my foot on my lighter and I felt my foot turning. I gasped for air and woke up, finally. I was so scared. So frigging cold, I grabbed my jacket and just sat perplexed for a good 15 minutes. I was alone downstairs, so no one was there to see how shaken up I was. I can feel blood rushing to my whole body. Warm blood rushing to my legs, then to my tummy, then to my arms and fingers. I felt my head warming up and in a few minutes, I felt my clammy skin warm up, flushing. I ran to the restroom to look at the mirror. My face was so red. My chest was burning. I can feel my heart pounding so hard.

I ran to the kitchen and got a teaspoon of sugar. I gulped it all. This was my grandma's cure-all. Moments later, I sank into the couch again. Unable to move or so anything. It felt so supernatural and surreal. Like some force was holding me down. Also, it felt so medical because I know from school how a person with SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome) dies. They die from cardiac arrest in their sleep. Their blood drains to a specific place, like their spleen or their pancreas and their whole body gasps for fuel. Blood needs to redistribute quickly so their hearts won't give out.

The sugar worked.

It made me feel lulled.

Minutes later, I turned the TV on.

I called my hunny. Spared him the details though. My tummy still hurts. My heart still pounding as we spoke.

I haven't slept since. I think I'm going to sleep tomorrow morning, when everyone's awake.

Now I'm scared.