Could Have Been's

I haven't blogged for some time. I mean, it's been one serious event after another. All the drinking and booze-y nights I've had with team mates and friends and even family has made the transition to singlehood easy yet painstaking. I don't really like alcohol cos it has this superbly disturbing effect on me. I tend to be more awake than sleepy when I drink. Lolz. I know, I know, I'm just one of those people that don't digest it as nicely as other people do. But my limit has gone up. I can now drink 7 bottles of light beer without passing out. Hahaha!

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It's not like I have fans or anything but every time my mom and/or dad decides to give me something silly, like a tub of ice cream or  either one allows me not to get out of bed for one whole day, it makes me feel like I've let them down. They seem so comfortable in knowing that I'm depressed, that I'm in a rut, that I'm lovelorn and hopeless... Hahaha! No one has given me the fuck it, get out of your freakin' bed and stop eating that ice cream speech. Well, my friends are all really busy. My best friend, Cymmie just gave birth. Jack and Chloe are moving to Australia. Irish is busy with church. Winch is going through his own depression. Aileen and Arnel are getting ready for their baby. Yogi is well, himself... I guess I am starting to think that my depression is only mine. No one is going to sit down with me and tell me to move on or yell at me or say things like "you can do it, Meg, you're great...". It's all mine. But it doesn't help that some people did believe that I will get married, that he and I will be the exception - that long distance relationships all falter and die.

So to people who don't know... I just ended a 4-year relationship with a man whose name will never be mentioned. He took my heart and broke it into pieces, not that it's entirely his fault. I have to say that I had a hand, well, I had a huge hand in it. I didn't cheat or anything, but it was grave and I insulted his family, I made such a huge issue of certain things following his mother's comments about me and my family over the phone. I don't know, somehow, people gave me their theories about what happened. They keep telling me that he has another woman, that he's gay, that he has no balls, that he just lacked the drive, that he's afraid of commitment but my favorite is that he fell out of love, cos I think that is the most possible one. He woke up one day and he chose not to love me anymore. Nothing to it, it happens. It makes sense. It fits. Everything that mattered one day didn't matter anymore. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to make him happy, I was not worth the fight, I wasn't the one. I just wish he didn't waste my time. Hahaha... I could have slept around in my twenties. Now, I'm a 30-year old washed-up hasbeen and the only guys that want to sleep with me are those that I rejected in my early twenties. Hahaha. Okay,so I write this with all the dripping sarcasm and disdain of a scorned woman but I know myself well enough to know that somehow, I wouldn't have slept with any of them even then. Well, who am I kidding? Even now. Hahaha! 

So, over the weekend, I keep hearing this damned song. Via Videoke, the television, Youtube, I mean God knows, it was all over the place and I just thought, you know what, indulge... What could have been? I could have been a wife, a mother, a lover, a sweet addition to a family. I could have been the one... I could have made him breakfast every day, wearing my robe after a wonderful sleep, making pancakes and brewing coffee. I could have made Coddled Eggs with Jerusalem Artichokes for breakfast, or even Eggs Benedict, maybe some bacon on the side. I'd then get ready for work... shower with him, maybe to save water. Then have a quick make-up routine while he dresses up in his shirt and slacks. I'd put on my slacks and soccer-mom sweater set. We'd call each other for lunch cos he'd be working on one side of the Toronto area and I'd probably be somewhere in the middle so I can pick up groceries and pay for the bills after work. Somewhere near the post office, so we don't get late payment fees on the mortgage and my car payments. I'd be home before him, cooking some minestrone I learned from Giada or Nigella the other day. I'd have some store-bought cornbread so we can have a hearty meal. When he comes home, I'd be fresh off the shower, his slippers would be on the couch and I'd have done some light laundry. He'll be sitting on his Lazy Boy, flipping channels.I'd be giving him a light kiss and a nice back rub. Then I'd sit beside him for some TV and some soup...  His sister may be joining us for dinner, or I would have picked her up after grocery-shopping. She'd be joining us for some crazy conversation about her silly colleagues. His parents would call at night. I'd have a quick pow-wow with them and then they would talk to him. On weekends, we'd be jogging around in the park, near the mall... We'd have brunch then go to church. Then maybe go to the mall or just veg out. I like vegging out on weekends. Sleep through out the afternoon and maybe have a nice romantic dinner at night. 

There are so many things that could have been. 

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not regretful. Every single thing that lead me up to this, I would do again. Not because I don't know any better or because I know any worse, but because I am accountable for myself. I feel terrible for ruining my chances of what could-have-been's but you know what, if I was really loved, if I was someone worth fighting for, I would been fought for. If I was really the one, I would not have could-have-been's. I would be living them now. 

I'm not the one. I was let go of. In this world, that happens. I keep playing it in my head. I wasn't the one who let go, I kept on and I showed courage. I showed love in the most unbelievable stages of our lives together, unconditional, true, unfailing. Even when insults came at me, I stood up and vowed that I will love him forever. I am not sorry for loving him. I'm sorry for the consequences of my actions. I wish somehow, his parents will see that they push people away. I felt torn down every time I came across their path. I felt sad every time I met them cos they really make me feel like I was going to do something wrong, like I wasn't going to do right by their son. I hope the next woman that comes into his life will have more support from his parents. Maybe that's all I'm good for. I'm the woman that will be their yardstick for life - you know, if some Debbie, Angela or Rosemary enters his life, at least she's much better than Meg, and quite honestly, if that is what would make him happy, then I'm all for it. 

I have not given up on love. I'm just giving up on this one. I loved truly and unconditionally. I love him still. I don't care if you frown upon it or if you feel like you should slap me silly. I know I do and it's useless to lie to myself about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he doesn't anymore. He couldn't care less anymore about what goes on in my life. The tone of his emails have gone from slightly accusatory "I thought you lined your weekends up with men" to one-liners like "Ok" in a span of a week. I think he's meeting people and having fun, which should be the case. I always hoped he'd be back and he'd sweep me off my feet and say he loves me. That's not going to happen... 

The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing...I guess our song is over as we began to sing...

Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Sadness

For some reason, I can't quite convince myself to keep still. I'm jumpy, I'm weird and I have a mood swing problem the size of a dilapidated building in 5th avenue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm picking fights with Jeoff when there is no reason to. He insists that we keep pictures of us kissing in private. I deleted a whole album in serious disappointment. I wanted to delete every little picture of us. I seriously wanted to shoot him. Tsk tsk... I kept ranting about what the heck he's hiding and who he's hiding it from. I am in fact overreacting. I am unbelievably angry. I guess I do feel deprived... And I seriously don't want to analyze it.

If you have an answer for me, go ahead and try to explain it to me cos I sure as hell can't figure it out. I love the guy but sometimes, he makes me so angry. And yet I do wanna see him... I am so frigging weird! This hormone thing, so sucks. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl with a PMS issue. It's borne of being away from cola and chocolates for such a long time. And keeping away from carbs! Yeah, it's that, and only that.

What sucks more is that I am always sleep-deprived. I can't get to sleep and I can't sleep well. And not to mention the fact that Nickelodeon only shows the Nick Jr. line in the wee hours of the morning. What kind of a toddler is awake at 3AM? Can someone please tell me?! I am so confused...!

There's more to this than meets the eye I know. It must be the thousands of hours of pure commercial commute.

I am angry... no I'm not, just irritated, vexed and pissed - incredibly miffed. Oh what the heck...!

I guess what I'm saying is I'm depressed. I am getting incredibly lonely. I know I should never admit to being lonely and it sucks because right now, I am admitting to it. I feel alone. My friends are mostly married, one of them isn't but has a boyfriend she'd rather spend time with. Some other friends are incredibly toxic (yes, people...some friends can be considered toxic, you know, people who suck life out of you cos they can't suck the life out of someone else or from a bottle of alcohol). Some of my other friends are hard to contact. I have always liked myself - being alone - being in the center of something special or monumental, but now, for the first time, I find myself incredibly alone.

Jeoff is a million miles away, and no matter what he says, no matter how he claims that he's with me, he's just physically not with me. The loneliness is creepy... it's so dark and morbid. I'm not withdrawn or anything... just incredibly sad. People deal with this - and I dealt with this before. I don't understand what the hell changed between now and then that this has come to be so hard.

Maybe, it was meant to test my character.

As if I haven't been tested enough...

As of this writing, I am sleep-deprived, cigarette-free for hours now and listening to something incredibly gay (Clay Aiken)... Yes, I am being tested.

Unfaithful

What is it about women and excitement and sparks flying in mid-air?

I got a splash of cold water when my friend confessed she was slightly having an affair with a guy she met in on of her business trips. Apparently, the man is well-educated, schooled internationally with a degree to back him up and an amazing connection with her. I was pretty thankful that I got to chat with her over a cup of coffee and smokes.

She understood that it was wrong. And she was begging me to stop it for her.
What was I to do? Shoot the guy? Rough him up? Pay him a million dollars to never see her again? I played the therapist part. I love asking questions about people and what the heck is going on in their minds. So, I stuck with the Meg routine and decided to just ask the really important question.
Why?!
And I got the most proverbial and cliched answer ever...

"No spark..."
Oh well, if you put it that way...
I was thinking that the guy had been irresponsible and horrifying, or maybe he had been an unfaithful slob who'd beat her up... but when he's a bore, well...
That's not really enough reason...

I think that sometimes, women have this tendency to become insatiable and discontented with what they have. They always see movies that remind them of how men can be so amazing and sweep them off their feet. No one tells women that after they've been swept off their feet, they'd have to fight for their love with every breath they take until the day they decide to throw in the towel. Every day is a struggle and a conscious choice to fight for the love you feel. Whether it be an ember lightly lit, a smoldering fireplace hearth or a smoking 3-point alarm fire. Passion fuels the love but you can't run on passion alone.

I think people equate love with lust, with fervent and wanton desire. I think it definitely brings something to the table but is not the essence of finding someone. I gave her an analogy...

Relationships are like newly-painted Faberge eggs. The sparks should be just what's outside - that enamel coating that just makes it look all shiny and cute. But what should be inside - the gemstones, those are worth so much more. It could be anything - your love, your affection, your trust, your commitment... whatever it is, it's good to want the enamel cos it's what somewhat envelopes all those gemstones, but when the whole thing is broken, it's senseless to pick up the enamel. Go for the gemstones.

I'm one to talk eh? I wasn't preachy... I tried to be away from the whole thing. It's just that it's necessary to set her straight. She begged for it. I wasn't gonna let her go until she saw it my way.
She promised me she's talk to him.
Well, we'll see...

The Sorry Song

For all I am worth, no matter how worthless it all seems...I am sorry. If I only had the power to hit rewind or erase the past, I would. But I can't. This is what happened and I am willing to take responsibility for all that is, and all that will be...

If only I could turn back time...

Wasteland

Who Lyrics

After a long good look at what I have done, I think I did well. 60% of my people got to earn the right to be part of my company. Whew, not bad. Well, I don't think I was doing bad, despite the last post. Seriously... I think I was doing well despite the circumstances.

Now, I'm looking forward to a meeting with The Boss next week. He'll be back from his beloved Budapest and I'm his only ticket to getting those Hungarians to speak better and communicate with customers in a much better way. We'll have to talk about HDI soon as well. Mental note to self: Must be in complete anguish so he increases my salary as I bitch about the lack of tools the organization is giving me.

Yes, yes... I am in some sort of rebellion. I have had it with his knee-jerk reactions. I was hired for a process, not to change it. I ain't raising a finger to push his buttons. Make me a director, and I'll do everything needed. Hmn, sounds threatening enough. In the humor me department, this is something that I should do... Bargain for something greater and something that gives me supreme power over something I can not control.

I simply want the bond to end.

I know, I know, how stupid of me to agree to something I haven't checked out yet. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE everything in this company. I love the people, I've made great friends. Like JD, the sup for the European shift...Yong, their L2 - more like the human lifeline for all things technical... Roy, the reports analyst....Yogi, the lovable fashionista...Rye, the incredulous boy who looks like Nicole Richie...Ela, the process-analyst who looks like a fashion model... and Aileen, aka Boss Ma'am. Lots of names, mostly men. Have I mentioned I work for an IT company? They are mostly men. The last two hires were me and a lady manager whom we will further on call Cuddly (not because she is in real life, but because I can't call her a micromanaging dominatrix without actually feeling guilty about it).

Cuddly has been ratting me out to Pretty Boy, aka The Boss. I would cry about it, except that for some reason, I stopped caring a whole three weeks ago.

Funny, if I care not, why dost thou tryst thy ideals unto the screen, you ask...
Well, surprise surprise... I intend to write memoirs in the future. A male and female boss ganging up on me would completely make for excellent book sales, don't you think? I can embellish the truth and say that they intended to have an orgy with me but I stood my ground and actually said no, hence the pain they cause my head everyday of the work week. Kidding aside, of course, I am but human. I still somewhat carry the all powerful axiom of working-class laborers. You attack my work, you attack my humanity...you attack me.

For some reason, as I awoke earlier this morning, I really wanted to work and I thought about the reason. What drives me to work? Is it cause I get a two-thumbs up from The Boss? What about Cuddly? I don't really get any external validation from any of them. Nor do I get any satisfaction in expelling and chewing up trainees for dinner. I am simply someone who is ferocious enough to stare a lion in the face. Come chow time, I know I just intend to stand really still. Hence the song... I don't really need to fight to prove that I am right. I need to stand still. I just want to stand still.

I know I am never going to fully be immersed in this process. I know I only count to three when it comes to my principles. Give me three headaches and I'm gone. Somehow, I think Merlin is going to stretch my patience. Wait, I think Cuddly and Pretty Boy will be stretching my patience.

Age

Boxed in and caved in...
I just realized what I would be had I caved in to my previous plans.
I was just talking with a friend. Her wedding was just put to a halt. She was supposed to be married this December. Seems like everything was planned, but somehow, she broke up with her man. I don't know why she did it. She must have had a good reason. But now, she has been wondering what to do. She splurged on clothes and pumps and bags, using her supposed wedding money. She will be going to Subic this weekend and wondering who to bring along.
She is 34. Successful. Amazing communication skills. Pretty. Amusing even.
Why is it that her relationships never last?
Would I have been like her had I chosen to follow the path I was following a few years back?

We intend to have coffee in a few days' time.

Faith

What is faith?

faith
[feyth]
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
—Idiom
9. in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

[Origin: 1200–50; ME feith <>fed, OF feid, feit <>fidem, acc. of fidés trust, akin to fīdere to trust. See confide]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Looking back at my own definition, I always thought that it was to see the unseen, hear the unheard, feel the unfelt...

to see the unseen
to hear the unheard
to feel the unfelt

yes, you asked me to wait.
and gladly i will...
i am relinquishing all control
so i can gain the moment i lost
i am giving up power
so i can change the future

fight for me
want me so badly that you will head onto the war without qualms or fears
look for me
in your life
in the now
in the future
resist your demons
so you can hold me close

i choose to be
now choose for me

such is my faith

i am blind
i am deaf
i am heartless

but now, i see
now i hear
now i feel
and yes, eventually, i want to live
i want to love

only you

Fallen Angel Alterni

Well, now I know... I think I understand what faith is...
It's the ability to understand without asking.

Imposition

Meg's disclaimer:
I am very mad right now, so people who intend to comment, post anything that would just be all about fluffy honesty and friendship rules shit, please back off this site. And about commenting, it has been disabled, so don't even try!

im·po·si·tion /ˌɪmpəˈzɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[im-puh-zish-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	the laying on of something as a burden or obligation.

2.	something imposed, as a burden or duty; an unusual or extraordinarily burdensome requirement or task.

3.	the act of imposing by or as if by authority.

4.	an instance of imposing upon a person: He did the favor but considered the request an imposition.

5.	the act of imposing fraudulently or deceptively on others; imposture.

Dictionary.com

Do you have friends that drag you along every little damned thing in their life hat the only relief you have is if you shoot yourself in front of him/her with a .38 pistol? Does it often happen to you that this friend would make you wait for hours on end just to stay a bit longer with people you care very little about? Does it also happen that this person would make any event in your life (say, you're getting married or getting a promotion) a problem for her?

I am quite honestly shocked and disappointed. People tend to be very selfish... When I told a few people that I was leaving the company, they were pretty okay with it. When I told the one person who would understand, or so I thought, because she has seen how miserable I have been the past few months, she just kept repeating, over and over again that I am leaving her alone.

I let it go and waiting for her to be back from vacation, I assumed she'd be okay about it now.

Lo and behold, she still thinks it's her problem.

I mean, come on! Does it seem like I am leaving you to launch a personal attack on you?! Does it seem like I'm really abandoning you? And IF I am abandoning you, it is my choice and my personal commitment to do so and it doesn't revolve around you.

Sometimes, paranoia can be seen as extreme confidence and arrogance. Think that the whole world hates you, and know that the whole world will...eventually. You always think that I am at your beck and call and will be there for you no matter what happens, as you claim to be there for me? All you did was tell me to stay away from the one I love and to make me late for all my appointments. I missed a few opportunities just to help you out with your issues and until the very end of my stay here, you still assume this to be YOUR issue?

The world doesn't revolve around you.

the princess speaks again...

we dream of fairytale endings with our prince fighting the dragon and the evil witch. but in reality, sometimes, the prince simply makes the princess fall in love and then the princess will do all the fighting.

I got this quote from Ate Citas. I think this makes a lot of sense.