Against All Types of Odds

Since I'm bound to make a complete idiot of myself on this post, I might as well go all the way. This is a recorded song of what I really feel right now. It's one of those moments where I need to write what I feel. And if you don't agree, I'm sorry, but you've been forewarned. 

There's so much to figure out when you're alone. The idea is that someone is always there, someone will always love you and someone will always be there to protect you. When I recently got sick, I realized that unlike most people, I don't really have a lot going on for me. No classmates pinged me, no teacher was on the phone, figuring out what the heck was happening to me, no officemates or bosses were on the phone wondering if I needed an extra lung and yes, wait for it, no boyfriend was on the phone or at my doorstep wishing I was going to get better. 

Over the past few days I've been in bed, praying to get better, I have had one constant contact and he's someone I used to be in love with. Somehow, somewhere, it sucks cos he's truly the only one that knew me, that really understood the inner machinations of my mind and somewhat took into consideration my happiness.   No one really has tried to do that for me, and I was, still am, grateful. 

It sucks not to have him in my life, but his life has no room for me now. I'm no one to him and he should be no one to me. I should find the next guy in my life and be a good girlfriend to someone else. Maybe in time, that person will know me, will make all types of effort to understand me and be with me. 

"Take a look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here. You coming back to me is against the odds and it's a chance I have to face..." 

Heartless

My friends all believe one thing - they think I'm heartless. I'm tough as nails. People I grew up with all believe that I am a corporate magnate with only one thing in mind - progress. I have to be honest, I am very task-oriented. I am very decisive and if I put my mind to it, I am bound to do it. With or without help from anyone. 

The one thing I have stopped doing since my break-up with Jeoff was to cry publicly. I didn't meet up with anyone to cry about anything. There were two major instances though that prompted me to call someone. I literally broke down over the phone, but because it was a phone conversation, I chose to let it all out, not hold anything back. I think if I saw anyone in person, I would not have been able to really say what I wanted to say. I wouldn't have been able to cry. I wouldn't have been able to do anything except smile and pretend I'm fine. 

It's so easy to wear a mask. Why do you think I wear contact lenses? When no one sees my eyes, no one can figure out what I really feel. They'll feel a little bit of it if I'm quiet or sad or angry, but no one knows how much emotion I really feel. Everyone's life revolves around their own world and I am sick and tired of taking the spotlight away from anyone. It's their turn now. 

A friend and I went to dinner tonight. She had a rebound affair and was very bothered with what her friends enumerated as her faults during the said rebound affair. There is only one thing I know for sure...no one has the right to tell her that it's enough, or that she shouldn't hope or that she made a mistake when it comes to her love life. That's her universe, after all. No one can claim that they know the answers or that they have the final say on what should be done. There's so much to hold on to when it comes to love, so much to hope for and yet, so much to be cynical about. 

The same way no one has the right to tell me that I should date or find someone or just simply "get over it". They didn't feel my pain, they didn't feel my anguish, they didn't toss and turn and wake up in the middle of the night to beg God to change my ex' mind. They didn't think of death as the only way to stop and avoid the pain. They didn't have to make peace with each and every contractor I spent time with to plan for my wedding. They didn't see my mother and father's faces when they told me it's alright and that I'll be fine. They didn't see me cry over and over again, everyday from June until September, not sleep, not eat, not care about the way I look, not care about anything anymore. 

So am I as tough as nails when I say there's nothing for me out there? I haven't even begun to date anyone and already, I feel overwhelmed and sorry for myself. Primarily cos I think there are men out there that can be fun, amazing and great but may not be interested in someone like me. 

I have given the best years of my life to someone who chose to leave me, what makes me think someone out there will be able to look past the neuroses and take my hand and say he wants me for a lifetime? I don't have regrets because I was extremely happy with him and I learned so much from the relationship but I sincerely wish sometimes that he had told me that he doesn't think he and I would work out from the beginning. He did, but he continually kept coming back and kept asking me back. I should have known I wasn't the one from the get-go, but I am allowed innocence and ignorance at least once in my life. 

I have seen it happen a thousand times. I have seen people fall in love. I have seen people look into each others' eyes and see a semblance of a future. I don't see it. Why can't I see it for me? Why am I so scared that it won't happen when I used to not care? 

Maybe the answer is I'm not heartless. 

Still Unhappy

I just got invited to go the Reserve, in Julio Vargas tonight. I turned it down. I decided to stay home cos my life shouldn't be a myriad of parties and endless drunken nights anymore. 

6 months without a love life - yup, he broke up with me, have you been keeping up?! 

5 months without guilt - finally, after a month, I forgave myself for supposedly ruining our relationship. Hey, he chickened out! 

4 months of being 29 years old - almost 30, damned it!!! 

3 months of being a good friend to my teammates at work - I am not the lone wolf anymore! 

2 months of being in a flirtatious thing with someone... girl or guy, I'm not gonna say, hahaha! 

35 days without alcohol - the get tipsy kind. Cos I had Jager last night and a little beer earlier. 

20 days of wondering when the heck my period is gonna come - doc placed me on another medication

10 days since my HPV shot - the price of being promiscuous (according to a good friend), in my case, just needed to cos the company will pay for half of it... 

4 days without excessive coffee 

N raised to the power of X as Y approaches zero days without sex - yeah, I really should have an animalistic bump and grind soon. 

So, am I still unhappy? 

Me last night, with one of my good friends, Cee Pua. 

Me, after work... Sans the make-up 

After chatting with a friend over coffee and cigs

Yogi buying me coffee with an artistic effect via the window... 

I am not unhappy. I'm actually relieved. This has nothing to do with the ex nor does it have anything to do with anything from the past. I'm just ready to live my life. 

On Oct 16th, I saw the worst of me. I hit rock bottom and really fell into a bad depression. No one can actually say that I didn't try, I didn't do my best to fight for the best that we can do. I actually did. I did my part and I can't be blamed anymore. I fought for us and fought for him... no matter what he or his family or his friends think. I saw Joyce, and told her about my dilemma. I cried for hours and believed that there is no one that can lift me up. I realized though that no knight in shining armor would come. I had to be my own messiah, my own savior. I am not going to wait for a man nor am I going to wait for a redemption. I had to be my own best cheerleader, my own ring leader, my own everything and I found myself to be stronger. 

This is the day I reclaimed my life from him and started living again. Jeoff is dead to me, at least the Jeoff I loved. I am dead too, but I remain alive and I try to retain that life. 

In My Head

Yup, this is my life. It's a myriad of parties, crazy and amazing nights out with friends and drinking sessions after work at this Mom and Pop place called "Whistlestop". I can say, I should be the envy of everyone I know. I personally think I drink too much, apparently, I can hold my alcohol anyhow. I haven't done anything stupid or crazy or God-forbid life-altering. I think hitting the right combination of slightly sleepy enough to not cry when I get home,  happy enough to enjoy any silly dare and sober enough to get home is a skill. Good thing I always hit it at 3 drinks. At the end of 3 drinks of mojito, or premium beer, I can head home, not cry and want to get enough sleep and yet, enjoy the company of the usual suspects I drink with. 

Ivan and Iris are two of my closest pals right now, prolly cos of the August connection. I don't know. 

Because of Ivan, I've learned to let things go slowly. I feel happier somehow... I think he makes me realize that tomorrow is always better cos I've never seen anyone so carefree yet so responsible at the same time. (Is that hard to imagine?!) I see myself in him somehow. He loves to have fun, go party on the weekends, have drinks after shift, take pics, watch movies. That used to be me! I used to want to have fun and my weekends used to be filled with so much wondrous events. 

Iris is a spitfire. She has a thing for several guys in the office and she flirts with them openly. It's so funny how she can get a guy super red in the face. Last 29th, she had a dare from her best friend, Cucci to neck with Ivan. It looks like they totally enjoyed themselves. Lolz. She even kissed Ivan on the dance floor. The only dare I was willing to do after a tall glass of Strawberry martini was to dance with Ivan in a seductive way. I just unbuttoned his shirt and pretended to straddle him but other than that, I wasn't in the mood to lick, neck or kiss anyone. I kind of wanted to get home and remove my curly hair wig, lolz. 

Iris' birthday bash @The Fort Piazza

So yup, they seemed like they had fun. I'm still trying to rest from my party the other night, at Icon. It was so weird seeing the Intercon for the first time since I was almost about to get married there. I saw the pool, the cute resto that I wanted to try, where I was supposed to get a complimentary breakfast as part of the honeymoon suite that I will get for my wedding. It was so odd, and yet I felt a peace that I can't explain. This was the last step to truly getting over someone - the might have beens. The next step would be to be able to name him again on this blog and maybe to truly delete all the bad memories I have ever had, be more forgiving and be less pointed about what could be and what will be. 

Iris, Candy, Russ and Me... @Icon

I totally love my friends cos they're with me at any point. It makes me miss my married friends, but well, what are you to do? You don't like the same things anymore and well, sometimes, vices are the only things that hold you to someone. At least Ivan and Iris wouldn't reprimand me if I slept around, lolz, not that I do... 

I miss my friends. I miss Irish and Cym and Chloe, somehow, I know they miss me too. I was really tight with them when I had Jeoff, maybe because for some reason, I felt like I was going to have that kind of life... you know, young wife, about to be a mom, cooking for her hubby and I was going to totally love it. I was pretty sure of it. The sad part is, I ended up losing Jeoff over distance and time and space and while my plethora of friends and family think he's stupid to let me go, he's a much happier person now and he's bound to find the right girl soon. He made me want to be the wife... And now that I'm not going to be a wife, I think I have to keep on frequenting the clubs and going to parties to meet the one. I know that sounds like a crappy, sucky plan but maybe, when I meet the one, I can then do the couple stuff - you know, shopping for pots and pans with friends, grocery shopping, cooking on the weekends, having fun by the park... and not feel hurt or rejected at the end of the day. 

Oh well, someday, maybe when the time is right, he'll come to me and say he wants to get married. Maybe... 

Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you. 

10,000 Promises

Ok, so it's over now. What I predicted some time ago happened, swiftly, I might add. I was wearing a sassy dress, I had a great time in the office. I went online for our usual chat and lo and behold, he can't take nothing no more. I had to be let go of. 

I can say the meanest things and get away with it, and I'd probably have some people on my side. I know I did my part and I know I have done the best I could to fight for the relationship, to fight for us, to make him see that love is worth fighting for. For some reason, he chose not to love me anymore. He blamed on a variety of reasons - I was too far, I was too much, I was too assuming, too negative, too this, too that... I was too much to handle and I was the evil bitch that ruined his family.

His mother and father decided to find a retirement home rather than stay with him because they can't even stay in the same place as me. I feel like this hatred of me stems from something so little and so mundane, such as me telling them the truth about what I feel. If I had the chance to squeeze some honesty out of people I would. But as he who wouldn't be named would one day tell me, in his fit of anger and rage, that I HAD NO RIGHT TO TALK TO HIS PARENTS LIKE THAT! I saw the ghost of my past and present merge into him. I had not seen him this angry, like he was ready to kill me. And that's what cemented my decision to ask him that greatly insensitive question - when are you leaving me.

Don't get me wrong... I love him but until he can see that I am not his problem, he would never see me for who I am or what I have done for him. He won't understand that I love him and I wish for once, he would look into his heart and love me back. Again, my heart wishes for him. There is not one night that I don't long to hear his voice, to look into his eyes and feel him love me. Lately, I know things have changed. But there was a little bit left and I felt it. Now, he would literally push me away. He won't email, he won't call, oh wait, he hasn't called for a long time. I may be dead rotting in a bush somewhere and he won't have known, because we're saving money or because it was useless to have a phone line that makes international calls. Well, now, it's relatively futile to have a line that makes international calls. It's useless if he'd only get it for me, God forbid that he spends x amounts of dollars on me when I have spent x amounts of pesos on him. Just doesn't match...

When we first got back together, after he broke up with me on our 4th anniversary, April 1st of this year, it was also through the fit of anger he felt. He accused me of "accepting" the break-up. Of course, I was going to accept the break-up! I was broken. I thought we were going to get married then wham, bam, thanks for the 4 years. He gave me this whole long speech about waiting 50 years to prove to me that he loves me, that he will be with me and that he will love me... Well, 50 years turned out to be like 5 weeks. Maybe that's what it is in Meg years. Within minutes, he was changing his relationship status on Facebook. I mean, for long-distance couples, that is what it is. It's not telling your friends that cements your relationship, it's updating Facebook. Funny satirical relationship that it is, my mind was telling me that it was wrong. Wrong because he hasn't fixed everything yet in his life. Seriously,until his parents understand that he's a grown up and he's responsible for his own life, they will never let him go and everything in his life will have to go through a severe utilitarian approval process.

You know, I get that he loves his family more than he loves me. It totally makes sense. I am no one in his life. Evidently, I am no one now. I just wish he would look at me and just remember who I am. Not the person he judges and believes ruined his life.

I think the end of this relationship really signals the end. I don't have a crystal ball, but I can feel him slowly slipping away. Maybe because he's angry and he's not that into me. Well, I wish him the best. I just want to know if it's that easy to turn your back against someone nowadays. Will I find a man that can make me fall in love with them? Will I find a man that will fall in love with me, now that I feel so numb and jaded? I am not angry... maybe a little, and I want to just let it all out - the numbness, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. I just want to feel loved again. No one loves me anymore. And you know what, I'm not going to assign my peace of mind to him anymore... He can choose to live his life, be with some other woman and I'm just going to wish them well. I must learn to let go and now, I'm going to take the first step. I want to be free of him, so I can heal and be a better person. No more wishing and no more hoping. I just want to find my backbone and live again.

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Use Somebody

I am all alone on a Sunday night. It's rainy, cool, soft and depressing... I am watching the TV downstairs with my laptop on a pillow. I got so bored of playing with my pets on FB... I want to rest but I am too wired to do that. I'm waiting for HBO to show The Fast and the Furious. Watching Vin Diesel and treating him like eye candy won't hurt so badly today. 

Jeoff is in the US, visiting some relatives. He'll probably be back Monday night. I really, really wish he is in Toronto, so I can at least call him and talk to him. Honestly, I have been daydreaming that he will be knocking on my front door, white roses and all. It's a little crazy, I know. It's my dream of becoming Meg Ryan - some guy breathlessly whispering how much he loves me, rain pouring on us, and we passionately end in a fiery kiss. It's kind of crazy to sometimes want a prince to ride his white horse and sweep my off my feet. I bet no one really thinks of that. Oh but I do, sometimes. I really sometimes wish that he would actually surprise me - be home, be with me, in my house, in my arms and breathe the same air I am breathing. Fat chance - we do't have enough money and he can't just take a vacation...Oh well... Let's be realistic... 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend who lives here, in Manila. Someone who I can talk to over the phone without worrying about local call charges, someone who can very well ride a cab in the middle of the night when I feel like having ice cream at 4 in the morning, someone who can go to church with me on Sundays and can enjoy a good family meal with my folks and someone who I can make love to - physically, not just say it, but really do it... someone that can kiss me, hold my hands and really gaze into my eyes... Would we last? Would we enjoy each others' company? 

People don't really understand the machinations of a woman in a long distance relationship. People have always told me that LDRs fail. And people who come of LDRs tend to be bitter and fall into the same cycle. I have known so many women who have had their hearts broken cos they let their men go into war, work or another woman's arms a hundred miles away. I myself sometimes don't know how I stay sane and alright... It seems like my whole life (24 years, thank you very much!), I have waited for someone who will love me right, and love me truly. Now that I found him, he has to be snatched away from me by fate. It is immensely painful, almost unbearable especially on night like this when it's raining, dark and cold...

Poetry in Motion

I don't want this to be forgotten...

...

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness

What is that?
“It is the end and it is the beginning” she said
I don’t understand.
“Your bitter journey’s end is at hand. You’re free.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope?

I hear the voice, yet I can’t see you.
“Come close to the light.”
Near the light, a silhouette patiently waiting
Who are you?
“You never were alone.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I never wanted to be alone.
“Come closer.”
I need to do my time.
“Here, time has no meaning. Come closer.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

As I come closer, I feel the warmth emanating from the light.
What does it mean?
“Salvation. Life.”
“Come closer."

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I see her.
The eyes…the face…the smile…
I know you.
“Yes you do.”
A Fallen Angel
She smiles

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

A journey into the light
Salvation
Life

Love

This was a poem written on Jeoff's blog dated April 21st, 2006.


And my response was...

so, i told you i liked you.
you told me you liked me.
it was april fools' day.
it was over coffee.
it was over a pack or so of cigarettes.
i never meant for it to go this way.
i am scared of losing you, pardon the selfishness of what i am about to say.
i feel so much for you and yet, you're afraid to hurt me?
didn't you just hurt me?
when you said all those beautiful things and then took it back with a swift "i don't want to hurt you?"
i want more from this life than you.
yet, this time, i want you.
i may not love you yet, but who's to say i can't?
and who's to judge that i won't?
all i'm saying is don't close your doors on what i am about to give you.
cos believe it or not it doesn't get any better than this
you'll never find anyone better than me
and sadly, i may never find anyone better than you...

i don't want regrets
i don't want to cry over you
i don't want to cry over things that could have been
i don't want to lose you

I WISH YOU'RE MINE.
I PROMISE NOT TO HURT YOU.
JUST PLEASE BE MINE.

and yes, i can't believe that i'm saying this
maybe you're right.
maybe i am just emotional right now...
maybe i need to spend more time thinking about this...

Lateralus

This song is for the one I love...
Keep it up and take it one at a time.
I love you...

I listened to this when I saw this once in a pool of songs I have. I can't believe how powerful they are...

Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more and
beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities.
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Bucket List

I watched "The Bucket List" last Sunday evening. It was one tear-jerking, crazy funny movie that everyone has to see...

I'm so amazed with how the story was played-out. It all starts with Morgan Freeman's character, Carter, who was diagnosed with cancer and was brought into Mr. Edward Cole's (Jack Nicholson) hospital. When Edward was diagnosed with cancer as well, he was made to bunk in with Carter due to his own policies about hospital rooms having 2 patients each. What followed was a barrage of disturbing chemo-related stories and them weakening with every day. One day, Carter was scribbling his bucket list - a list of things that he wanted to do before he kicked the bucket. It's an amazing and beautiful story where Carter sees the world with a friend, his profession being an auto-mechanic with a brain that could beat Jeopardy contestants in a heartbeat while Edward finances everything that they have written on the bucket list.

Towards the latter part, Edward gets a letter from Carter

Dear Edward,

I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband; I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me, so rather than try, I'm just going to ask you to do something else for me-find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true-you're certainly not everyone, but everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.

One of my favorite scenes was the eulogy for Carter where Edward was crying and he strikes "Help a complete stranger" off the list when he realized that Carter helped him more than he could ever imagine.

Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side.

It also stars Sean Hayes as "Tom", Edward's assistant and butler who is actually named Matthew but was renamed by Edward only because Matthew seems too biblical. 5 stars from me for the funny, sad and deeply moving movie.

Take Me Away

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

I totally feel this way...

So in love and so happy. When I arrived in the office, there was a box of roses waiting for me in my cubicle. Oh wow, I must sound so incredibly mushy today because for some reason, I can't stop smiling.

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let
me stay here alone

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

Sadness

For some reason, I can't quite convince myself to keep still. I'm jumpy, I'm weird and I have a mood swing problem the size of a dilapidated building in 5th avenue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm picking fights with Jeoff when there is no reason to. He insists that we keep pictures of us kissing in private. I deleted a whole album in serious disappointment. I wanted to delete every little picture of us. I seriously wanted to shoot him. Tsk tsk... I kept ranting about what the heck he's hiding and who he's hiding it from. I am in fact overreacting. I am unbelievably angry. I guess I do feel deprived... And I seriously don't want to analyze it.

If you have an answer for me, go ahead and try to explain it to me cos I sure as hell can't figure it out. I love the guy but sometimes, he makes me so angry. And yet I do wanna see him... I am so frigging weird! This hormone thing, so sucks. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl with a PMS issue. It's borne of being away from cola and chocolates for such a long time. And keeping away from carbs! Yeah, it's that, and only that.

What sucks more is that I am always sleep-deprived. I can't get to sleep and I can't sleep well. And not to mention the fact that Nickelodeon only shows the Nick Jr. line in the wee hours of the morning. What kind of a toddler is awake at 3AM? Can someone please tell me?! I am so confused...!

There's more to this than meets the eye I know. It must be the thousands of hours of pure commercial commute.

I am angry... no I'm not, just irritated, vexed and pissed - incredibly miffed. Oh what the heck...!

I guess what I'm saying is I'm depressed. I am getting incredibly lonely. I know I should never admit to being lonely and it sucks because right now, I am admitting to it. I feel alone. My friends are mostly married, one of them isn't but has a boyfriend she'd rather spend time with. Some other friends are incredibly toxic (yes, people...some friends can be considered toxic, you know, people who suck life out of you cos they can't suck the life out of someone else or from a bottle of alcohol). Some of my other friends are hard to contact. I have always liked myself - being alone - being in the center of something special or monumental, but now, for the first time, I find myself incredibly alone.

Jeoff is a million miles away, and no matter what he says, no matter how he claims that he's with me, he's just physically not with me. The loneliness is creepy... it's so dark and morbid. I'm not withdrawn or anything... just incredibly sad. People deal with this - and I dealt with this before. I don't understand what the hell changed between now and then that this has come to be so hard.

Maybe, it was meant to test my character.

As if I haven't been tested enough...

As of this writing, I am sleep-deprived, cigarette-free for hours now and listening to something incredibly gay (Clay Aiken)... Yes, I am being tested.

Girl Meets Reality

A funny clip from Will and Grace reminded me of this song. Grace's husband Leo leaves New York for business. It's pretty amusing because she pops on her video recorder and sings a song for her hubby. Comically speaking, it's one pretty funny idea.

I can't really imagine singing a song on a video. I have done it once. And I sent it to him. I doubt that I'll have enough gumption and courage to actually post it online. Nonetheless, I'm talking about this because he's about to leave again.

Earlier, whilst waiting for a cab, I can't help but be a little misty-eyed. Why does a great day have to end? I know that I have been "hogging" him the whole time, nonetheless, I wish that he will actually stay longer. I sincerely wish that the remaining week of his visit will run incredibly slowly. If I wait for him to come back, it would be 2010.

I know this seems like word vomit, but I am feeling mixed about this. I wish he can stay and I know that he has to go. I know he has to work and take care of his business there and all I wish for is for him to be in my arms. Everyday that he was away, what kept me alive and waiting was the idea that he will be back and will be in my arms again. It seems like everyday is a battle to stay sane from missing him and from so much loneliness. When he left last time, I cried for a whole week. No one knew. I didn't want people to find out that I was that affected. Now, I vowed that I will never cry. I will not cry. I will be stronger and better and will draw from my memory everything that we did together - the trips to the mall, the making-out, the movies we've watched, the food we've shared (guess what, I think we're at that level where we can pick out food from each others' plate), and the laughter that really makes me feel that the intimacy we share is real. Laughing with each other and at each other is incredibly wonderful. I just wish it can go on like this forever.

Zen

It has been quite a whirlwind. I have to admit, I love being away from work and from the office. I love the ability to NOT check my inbox just because it's needed. I love the fact that people in the office also respect my need for some time alone and some time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I have come to realize that last year was placed in a pedestal for me. It's been one heck of a beautiful year. Being with my family, my friends, the man of my dreams, my kick-ass job and along the way... making mistakes, learning promptly what I was doing wrong and correcting things, one by one...

I have also been following a little bit of "The Secret". It's this nice school of thought that says you have to phrase things positively in order to push the laws of the universe to work for you.

So here are my positive thoughts for the year:

• I love my family... These are the people I will die for and will kill for. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents and wonderful loved-ones.
• I am a strong and intelligent person. I am capable of doing things that are beyond other people's abilities.
• I am a great trainer, a great people-person and a great employee. I am someone that people relate to and are able to respect and love.
• I am a good person and I will channel my energy to reflect the good in this universe to the people who need it.
• I am someone who doesn't need anyone to fulfill my dreams. I can work on it on my own.
• I am loving and understanding. I deserve someone equally loving and understanding as I am.
• I am forgiving. I will always see things from the other person's point of view before I start pointing fingers.
• I am true and real. I am capable of negotiating within the bounds of my reality instead of manipulating things to my advantage.

This year, my mantra is to be pure and true, with lots of zen moments in between.

I want to rediscover art, and beauty through my eyes. I want to see what else I can bring to the table. I want to challenge myself, and fight for the future more as a ready, willing and able person. I want to consistently perform at par with people whom I care for and people that I respect as individuals.

Mad Sense

How is it possible to want someone more and more everyday?
It seems awfully maddening to be away from him even for just one day. Maybe it's because distance really screws up your entire system for judgment and even a sense of propriety. I seriously want more and more and more and more of him. I want to be with him - to laugh with, to cry with, to go to the mall with, to have dinner with... I honestly wish I can be with this man for the rest of my life.

The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...