sadness

i'm sad today. don't ask me why, it's just a general feeling of sadness. i am a bit depressed. i know it seems silly, feeling this way when there's nothing to feel sad about. i guess that's why journals were always there to begin with... to record and recap what happened in your life and for you to learn from it.

i forbade myself to cheer myself up today. i woke up feeling all the damned injustice done to me today, intentional or unintentional, felt or forgotten. it is just one of those days to reflect and to casually go through the motion of being me.

so, as i was casually surfing, i realized that a lot of people were depressed too. sites dedicated to singles and lonely people were all over the net. i couldn't believe how many people would choose to spend their hard-earned money only to have a moment of superficial closeness with someone they hardly even know.

it kills me to know that in the wink of an eye, i could be gone any second and i haven't done anything special with my life. death has never really bothered me before, but i remember being told by an ispiritista when i was growing up that i'll die on my 27th birthday. pretty cool guess. i'll be turning 26 this year. guess that leaves me one more year to enjoy life then. this is the same ispiritista who told me that i will get pregnant by the time i was 18. unintentional harm. he just needed some money.

i got pissed off at the cab driver that took me to eastwood. he claims his carbarn time was approaching soon, hence he can't take me to eastwood. eastwood is a 15-minute drive from cubao, where i was at that time. i immediately told him that i'll add more money, if he'd take me to eastwood. he jumped at the offer and said "P120, mam, ha? traffic eh." it was a bit true. now, my fare that is usually P80 has jumped up to P120. pretty steep huh? i was too tired, too depressed and too desperate to argue. i said fine and boarded the cab. we coursed through my shortcut, and got to eastwood in 10 minutes. he said "mam, thanks sa shortcut ha?" and sped off with my P120 and my supposedly wonderful navigating skills. intentional harm. he needed some money and some navigational know-how.

i am sitting in my desk now, mildly bored and uninterested with work. i am done with the reports and i think my students are just fascinated at how non-interactive i can be when they know that i have a comment for anything. guess my wit doesn't hold a candle to this ennui.

i know i'll be okay in a few hours or maybe days. just give me some time to change my perspective. i'm 25 now, do you think this is the quarter life crisis that people have been telling me about? maybe, but i'd like to think that i have gone through that when i left my company of 3 years. it just really feels like no one i know really and truly understands what i am about and what i am capable of doing, and that i am merely judged by results and feedback.

i am assured that in life, you play roles. let me be the whiner for now. selfish, but maybe i deserve to think of myself once in a while.

before i end, let me share with you something i saw:
"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” this is a quote from henry wadsworth longfellow.