Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated.