Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you.