There are some days when you can't really figure out why the hell won't the universe shut up about your past. It's like things come back to haunt you, fight you and claw its way back to the present.
Yeah, yeah it's over, nothing happened, you didn't get married, ain't nothing to cry about. It's spilt milk, he's not worth it. I have heard it a million times over. He and I got married virtually over the net. It's a stupid thing, like a game. But I didn't realize it would stay online.
Earlier, Ivan told me that he feels sorry for me cos I seem desperate. I talk to my ex, I'm hoping for a new relationship and he asked me, point blank if I don't think that my ex treated me like trash.
That really got to me. I don't know if I cried and if I did, it didn't feel like I did... but I know he's coming from a very good place, with the purest of intentions but anguish just came out of nowhere cos I think it's true, but part of me refuses to believe that he never loved me. I loved him and I want to know that somehow, someway, he loved me too. That I wasn't just trash, I wasn't just something to be used.
I know it's pointless but my heart is broken enough as it is, and I don't know why it's breaking more now. Maybe because my heart says he loved me, but my mind says no. How does one go from a place of contentment to a place of questioning in a matter of minutes. He's gone and it's useless to ponder whether he loved me or not, but it would make a world of difference to know he did.
