River

Yes, I've cried rivers before... Don't get me wrong, sometimes, they were tears of joy. I don't always cry for sorrow or pain. I have come to the conclusion that somehow, I am always going to cry. For happiness, for pain, for suffering, for temporary peace of mind, for random acts of kindness, for frustration, for irritation, for a lost sense of direction and even for a complete sense of relief... But this ain't about crying. Rivers. It's this weird little phase in your life when you reach rock bottom and you try to climb and you try to reach little goals in your life so you can get to the big one. The phase before the big goal - it is my river.

The highest point of my life has been, to a sense, the lowest point. Believe it or not, the first time I lost everything, was the first time I realized I had everything I needed. I had thought I lost my career, my friends, my health, my sense of direction, my purpose, my money and most importantly, the love of my life. It was about a year ago... I just quit my job, because of things that still seem pretty petty now; I lost my friends, because they were related to the job...And the friends I thought would help me were the exact friends that destroyed me. I thought I was in a condition that can not be remedied at that time, so, I thought that was the end of my "normal life"; I lost all sense of direction, and purpose by not becomeing what I thought I would be... i just took a slightly dead-end consulting job that paid well and could sustain me through losing my money, my job and my condition. The love of my life was hopeless, he was miles away. I couldn't do much about it. He seemed so far away and nothing bonded me to him. Not my assumed condition, not my sense of humor which I was apparently losing as well, not much I would say. Nothing kept me grounded. Nothing kept me solid. I was a raw bundle of nerves and I didn;t know who to turn to.

I turned to the wrong people. I turned to friends who wanted to take advantage of my weakness. I turned to people who seemed interested but was interested in something I could give them, the little knowledge I had, the honesty I could give them, the one-sided friendship, money, companionship, no one really cared about how my heart was bleeding, or how my ego was destroyed. I was pretty tough outside, but on the inside, I was just a little girl. Lost and alone in a foreign place with no one to run to.

I saw my family and my friends pull me through. They have seen me through the worst. They saw me then and they probably know that it was rock bottom.

I don't know if I am out of rock bottom. I know that I'm not depressed. I am a generally happy person, even when I have problems. You're not really given much choice in this life. Either you suck it up or you blow it all off. Once I get to talk with a friend, problems seem smaller. Chasms become small steps. And the daring part? The insurmountable first climb? It becomes less of a challenge.

I lose myself everyday in conversation. I listen to people with their problems. I never judge them. I never ask for anything. Sometimes, when you have nothing to give, a little ressurance that you are there and you can be there is just enough. Sometimes, honestly, that is all I need to. When you hear people achieve more and surpass more than you have, you tend to ask yourself, why not me?

My mom had a long talk. It left me in the river again. So little goals like a pretty good job, a somewhat good saving scheme and slightly losing weight and regaining confidence has helped me. These little goals are to reach a bigger one. Oh well... It seems calm. Everything seems smooth-sailing. Everything seems cool and collected, almost placid. I love the calm. But it could be stormy thereafter.

I hope the river is placid throughout, I really do...