找 不 到

Ah, three little words... All in Chinese. All in a language I haven't spoken since I had a learner that spoke only Mandarin and can't learn English without the help of the triumvirate of ESL learners - native language, foreign language and a translator.

I just realized something as I was trying to access a person's blog... Automatically, the page registered as this... 找 不 到 - it means indiscoverable, or can not be found. It seems funny because this person seems to be everywhere. Oh well, one last blog to frequent. Her blog address is now deleted from my list of frequented sites...

I just realized that as of late, that is what I have been... Indiscoverable...
Someone that used to be a shell of who I was. I have come to think of myself as undefined, unwritten, like a blank page that needs someone to write all over me, so I can learn and be better.

I have been craving for a mentor for a very long time. It seems like everywhere I go, it's a chance, a risk... knocking on people's doors and hoping that someone would let me in.

I haven't found that person. No one has touched me so much that I know it will be okay to stand on my own two feet.

But I also haven't found me.

I haven't really seen me for a very long time. Sometimes, it feels like I'm just an empty shell of what I used to be. I wanted to be a writer... a poet... a doctor... and now? All I want is a good job, a nice family and a good husband - someone who won't hurt me nor flake out on me...

I'm not saying I've lost my touch. I think if anything, I've actually matured. I have given myself enough years to live daydream by daydream and finally, now, I know what would complete me...
But I still yearn for something...

And I can't put my finger on it...