Saturned

This is a painting of Saturn, devouring one of his sons. It was when he learned his future. It was destined by the Fates... he will die when one of his sons eventually kill him. Supposedly, to prevent from his son killing him, he ate each one at the time of their birth. Goya painted this horrific abstract of Saturn devouring his child. Head and arm torn off, blood spewing. It was an extremely graphic imagery of how Saturn was driven to the point of insanity out of the fear of being killed. He chose to prevent it. He chose to destroy that which he initially held dear.

Saturn is the one in the astrological charts that keeps on bumping into your lucky stars on bad horoscope days. It gives you depression, isolation. It governs the house of emotions by repressing happiness and increasing intense negativity.

I have been living, governed by Saturn for a long time.

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming the damned star for whatever I'm going through. I just thought I'd start out with some weird icon that tends to define the state of mind I am in.

Just this week, I kind of learned exactly how much of a control freak I am. This is incredibly depressing, considering that I should have given up being the micromanaging bitch I am. Somehow, I can consider myself lucky because the man I gave my heart to didn't think I was too much of a scared control-freak to stick with me.

Like Saturn, fearing the future and imposing an incredibly horrible prevention plan became a cannibalistic and arduous task. It wreaked havoc with my mind and completely threw my relationship off with the man I hold dearly in my life. Metaphorically, I do tend to bite off and destroy something that seems to be working.

I guess it's something that people are so accustomed to doing.

Paranoia sets people off. It ticks them off and rubs them in the wrong places. It destroys the basic ability to trust in the goodness of a person's heart and intentions. And if you lose that hope, in humanity, in people, in the ones that you love, it's better to start living in a cave cos it's hard to get it back.

Pain damages your ability to feel. Supposedly, minor pain numbs you and desensitizes you. Your cells have a memory center somewhere in its mitochondrion (the powerhouse which houses the RNA and DNA centers of your cells). Your cells remember the pain and allows you to feel the pain prior to you actually feeling it. Somehow, allowing you to anticipate. For bigger and much major cuts and wounds, the theory is that the anticipation gets bigger. It is wider. The memory of the cells will be switching to maximum overdrive even prior to getting a stimulus.

Pain makes you do crazy things. But the fear of pain...? It makes you do something crazier.

It's almost impossible to live without fear but it's impossible to love in fear.