Myles has been on my ass lately about how Ryan has been choosing to stay out of my life. He seems mad at me for something. Supposedly losing me and his uncle all at the same week. It's pretty freaky how Myles would always say that Ryan has feelings for me when I feel nothing... Sometimes, I just ride along. Although, working with Ryan has been a little difficult after Myles told me... I wish he wasn't. If even half of it is true, I wonder how he feels about me talking about Jeoff all the time... Okay, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't...Myles is just crazy.
But wow, if he is... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it would be like if I had a relationship with him. Would it be the same? Meaning my relationship with Jeoff, would it be the same relationship I'd have. Would I be this in love? Would it be this amazing? Would it be this scary? Would it be this perfect?
The thing about love is I don't think it's a feeling. It's not a question of "what if" and "what should happen". It's a firm and honest decision. It's a decision to be with the one that matters. Lately, because I have been depressed and tired, I entertained the thought of staying away from Jeoff. It's funny cos the moment I chose to sort of "let go" was when I was completely frustrated with myself and not with him. I keep thinking that I was obsessed with him and I should learn how to love him less. I know I had this conversation with Glenna once. She told me that she makes no apologies for loving Work, her husband, and somehow, she knows someday, she might have to have to "let go" a little but she doesn't. She knows it's ok to love and to love fully and completely, with no apologies for doing so...without thinking of the pain that might have to be endured someday, God forbid, he ever leaves.
Now I'm just taking things in perspective. I know I have such a wonderful and amazing man in my life. It's amazing how he brings out the very best of who I am. Somehow, I just feel incomplete...I feel empty. I don't think it's something that Jeoff can fill though. Maybe this is why I keep branching out. I want to complete myself before he has to deal with me. I keep on taking more and more responsibilities in hopes of feeling rewarded and consoled by my work. I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it!
Every night, I lie awake thinking of what I want most in life...and I got this list.
Not a love life, nor another man, cos I already have that.
Not a car. Lord knows parking fees can kill me.
Not my own house cos honestly, I just see it as a place where I can rest.
Not friends, cos although I only have a few, I get so much from them.
Not a new mom and dad, although it won't kill if they were millionaires.
Maybe a family I can call my own. I mean, a kid and my husband... a house with a nice lawn. A routine where I can cook dinner and have to do laundry every weekend. Maybe I'm yearning for that sweet time when I can kiss my husband before he goes to work and I can give him a massage when he gets home. It's ridiculous to want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, but my gawd, I'd give my right arm to be able to do that...
Maybe getting more out of my relationship with Jeoff. I mean he gives me everything I want and sometimes, even more. But well... distance is distance. It wreaks havoc with nerves and fears and sometimes, even temper. It gets depressing when you see people getting flowers on Valentines' Day or kissing in a nice bar or restaurant. Being away from the one that you love is incredibly painful. Because you know that life is just not complete without it. I have been nursing depression for a year now. Doesn't really show, does it?
For some reason, I bet that whoever reads this will think that I am incredibly in love and I am a little crazy. I beg to differ. I know in my heart that should I be left again, I am not going to fall apart. Fall down, yes. Be depressed, HELL, yes. But I'm not obsessed. I am not pathetic. I am not going crazy.
I am just sad. Very, very sad.
And it's something that only people like me can understand.
But wow, if he is... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it would be like if I had a relationship with him. Would it be the same? Meaning my relationship with Jeoff, would it be the same relationship I'd have. Would I be this in love? Would it be this amazing? Would it be this scary? Would it be this perfect?
The thing about love is I don't think it's a feeling. It's not a question of "what if" and "what should happen". It's a firm and honest decision. It's a decision to be with the one that matters. Lately, because I have been depressed and tired, I entertained the thought of staying away from Jeoff. It's funny cos the moment I chose to sort of "let go" was when I was completely frustrated with myself and not with him. I keep thinking that I was obsessed with him and I should learn how to love him less. I know I had this conversation with Glenna once. She told me that she makes no apologies for loving Work, her husband, and somehow, she knows someday, she might have to have to "let go" a little but she doesn't. She knows it's ok to love and to love fully and completely, with no apologies for doing so...without thinking of the pain that might have to be endured someday, God forbid, he ever leaves.
Now I'm just taking things in perspective. I know I have such a wonderful and amazing man in my life. It's amazing how he brings out the very best of who I am. Somehow, I just feel incomplete...I feel empty. I don't think it's something that Jeoff can fill though. Maybe this is why I keep branching out. I want to complete myself before he has to deal with me. I keep on taking more and more responsibilities in hopes of feeling rewarded and consoled by my work. I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it!
Every night, I lie awake thinking of what I want most in life...and I got this list.
Not a love life, nor another man, cos I already have that.
Not a car. Lord knows parking fees can kill me.
Not my own house cos honestly, I just see it as a place where I can rest.
Not friends, cos although I only have a few, I get so much from them.
Not a new mom and dad, although it won't kill if they were millionaires.
Maybe a family I can call my own. I mean, a kid and my husband... a house with a nice lawn. A routine where I can cook dinner and have to do laundry every weekend. Maybe I'm yearning for that sweet time when I can kiss my husband before he goes to work and I can give him a massage when he gets home. It's ridiculous to want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, but my gawd, I'd give my right arm to be able to do that...
Maybe getting more out of my relationship with Jeoff. I mean he gives me everything I want and sometimes, even more. But well... distance is distance. It wreaks havoc with nerves and fears and sometimes, even temper. It gets depressing when you see people getting flowers on Valentines' Day or kissing in a nice bar or restaurant. Being away from the one that you love is incredibly painful. Because you know that life is just not complete without it. I have been nursing depression for a year now. Doesn't really show, does it?
For some reason, I bet that whoever reads this will think that I am incredibly in love and I am a little crazy. I beg to differ. I know in my heart that should I be left again, I am not going to fall apart. Fall down, yes. Be depressed, HELL, yes. But I'm not obsessed. I am not pathetic. I am not going crazy.
I am just sad. Very, very sad.
And it's something that only people like me can understand.
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