He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone.
It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness.
If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me.
We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter.
I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything...
I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me.
I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight.
I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that.
But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that
Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower.
He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even more.
I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more.
