Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it.