letting you go

here's a post i wrote about another man long ago. it was beautiful to love him because it was one-sided. i was the only one who loved and he doesn't. now, i think i'm going to recycle this and remind myself of what he meant to me. i'm meeting up with him this weekend. no, i am not looking for another relationship... i'm just looking for something to feel.

i only exist in a frame of mind you're not ready to acknowledge because knowing me means loving me and trusting me with my decisions and principles. and no, you're not a risk-taker. and no, you won't jump to my rescue. for you, i'm the off tangential line in a cartesian plane and i am the outlying statistic in a frequency curve. i am the ugly dot that exists in the proverbial clean slate of your life. i am the nothingness that escaped your hardened filter of morals.


yes, i have to admit. i have fallen madly in love with you. your eyes sparkle with hope and your smile conveys every emotion of love and consideration. when you see me, your eyes twinkle and your lips curve in a smile, but do you dream of me too? at night when i hug my pillow close to me... when i rest my mind and pacify myself with the thought of you welcoming me every morning or me waking up next to you the next day? when i calm myself with the thought that you believe in me, eventhough the whole world hates me?

you once told me, that you loved me.
you once told me, that you missed me...
you once told me that you will welcome me with open arms in the event that the world comes crashing to my feet.
you can't be everything to me.
but you are.

i love you.

there, i have said it.

do i get a prize?


i don't want to love you. cos loving you means i am weak, and i am fragile and that i can't keep myself from feeling.

emotions i can't afford to have right now.

emotions i can't hide.

where will you be after i have said that i love you? will you still be there for me? or will i scare you off? you are too sacred to lose. and too beautiful to forget. you are the one thing i would love to take hold of and never let go. but i am to weary and too jaded to even try.

so i am letting you go.
not because i love you too much.
but because i am learning to love myself too.


and loving you has clouded my judgment and my opinion of myself. i am never going to be good enough for you. and that's ok. cos i will never be good enough for myself too.

i am letting you go. i am letting you go. i want to let you go... and i will.