when it's over

it's over. no more hoping, no more wishing, no more dreaming of this man.

how did i realize it? how did i come to this conclusion?

i was walking in the grocery aisle sunday evening. i hate shopping in the afternoon, because there would be a lot of people there. so, i usually do my grocery shopping at night. thank god malls near my place are open til 10PM. i saw a couple. the guy was holding up a cantaloupe for his wife, who seems to be ready to give birth. the girl kind of looks like me. fair-skinned, a bit chubby, thanks to the pregnant belly. the guy looks a bit like him. a little tan, stocky... seems like someone you could run to for comfort. i just looked at them transfixed. i started shaking. before i realized it, i was tearing up. i looked away and went to the poultry section. it seems surreal, but i started noticing. every damned couple that was passing me by. someone was looking at me like they recognized me, someone seemed like they wanted to talk with me... a woman even looked at her boyfriend or husband and whispered. i think tears were starting to fall. and i was in the poultry section. that was extremely pathetic, even for me.

so, i ended up wishing all night that he'd call. just to say hi, just to ask how i was doing, and i would tell him that i just want him back, i just need him back so badly.

i was up all night, i waited and begged god to make him call me. nothing.

i tried to get some sleep and woke up around 7 in the morning. i called him up. i needed to talk with him. i needed him to see what he was missing.

and nothing.

he was not mising me in that sense.

he may not be even missing me at all.

i hate being stuck in this. i hate that i love him and can't seem to let go. every day, in the back of my mind, he'd call to tell me how much he loves me and how he wants me back.

and nothing.

when it's over, there are only three things a person can do. first, give it a rest. he has made his decision. he will make more decisions in the future not involving you at all, so please, for all that is holy and mighty, get a life and do something else other than wish for him to want you back. second, fight for it. at the sake of sounding really pathetic, you can always want him to choose you, pick you and love you for the rest of his life. you can always pray so damned hard to all the saints and even pray a long novena to the saint jude, patron saint of the hopeless. there is even a mass dedicated to those who long for love in a church somewhere in malacañang every thursday. third, and i think, the most sensible thing to do, is to stop. stand still. don't push him away, don't beg him to come to you. if he calls, great! you're still friends! if he doesn't, then just be happy you have more time to rest. if he wants you back, then reconsider. if he doesn't want you back, then just be thankful for the great and the not-so-great times.