As Told by Meg

My 200th post on this blog. How apt. I kinda wanted to make it sound philosophical and decidedly intellectual. However, I'm choosing something different for this particular post. I think I want to state what I have learned...in case I need to remind myself in the future.

I'm turning 26 in a few days, actually, in a few hours. Age is such a random number. It is an undeniable coefficient to the fact of life. OK, enough twisted talk. I mean it. Without this number, you ain't going nowhere. You can't buy alcohol from a convenience store, you can't fight terrorists in Iraq, you can't even buy acetone from a drugstore! Funny how people look at age as a signification of maturity and logical reasoning. Truth be told, I thought I was mature enough when I was twelve. Well, look at where it got me.

The age old question of life - what am I here for? I could come up with 10,000 reasons why I'm here. I could quote thousands of philosophers and come up with hundreds of dissertations as to why I belong in this earth. I could ask a thousand questions and yet come up with no answers. I get that. Ever wonder why people come up with existential angst that never exists? It's because of two little things. Questions and answer. And no pronic number can ever give you any satisfaction. You always have to come up with some brave new reason to come up and ask... People always ask what am I here for... when they basically mean, "Is this all there is to it?".

I could philosophize over how many roll-on deodorants you can use and you still sweat. It's a natural thing. No one has ever stopped homeostasis. People can suspend it, prevent it and even try to control it but life goes on. No matter how unsatisfied your ass is with the non-swivel chair in your office or the tougher than cow's hide faux leather seat cover of your couch. It never ends. The omnipresent existential angst is not "What am I here for?". It is "Is there all there is to it?".

Maybe people come to terms with their own mortality pushing forward. Age doesn't matter, it's just an age. I consult with the wisest people on earth and they say they own the wisdom. But people own youth too! People younger than I am risk life and limb for the biggest mistakes (pregnancy, car accidents, heroin addiction, career malfunctions - READ: Nicole Richie) yet they move on. They don't move on in the grandest and bravest way, yet they call the shots. Finding music in silence. Questioning fate as they move along. If I was risky enough, is there music in silence too?

Another let's get old policy is the idea of a family, of marriage, of life as a settled married person. I am going to be honest. I assume that all girls dream of a wedding they can boast of. A floating trail of jasmines and petunias as they walk down the aisle, with Prince Charming waiting patiently in the altar. Mouthing "I love you" as he raises your veil, and he prepares to kiss you as the priest says "You may kiss the bride". Well, every girl who's had a Barbie must have dreamed of this monumental event. Especially when the bridal Barbie came to the store shelves.



Fast forward 12 or so years after I stopped playing with Barbie dolls and the idea of Ken actually sweeping me off my feet, I am still dreaming of a wedding. I am not going to lie. I wish it will be with a good person, with a kind hear and a nice smile who can laugh with me and sometimes, yes, laugh at me. But now, I see it more as a marriage rather than a wedding. I see the long nights of working, trying to save up for a future... I see hours of labor in having a baby... I see occasional fights and bouts about who's to wash the dishes and do the laundry... I see two people trying to get it together not because they're the only ones left or that no one else is out there but because they chose each other and that they can make each others' lives complete.It never depends on love, because love is always a choice. A choice to love that person no matter what. You get high and hooked on a feeling but it's the holding on that counts.

Around late 1990's, which is my teen years, I gave up my incredible need to please people and thought there is just too much pain in wanting to please people, so I'll just do what I want. I went to the school I wanted, took up the course I wanted, had the friends I wanted and did everything my heart so desired. I dabbled in journalism, chemistry, arts, make-up, fashion and eventually, I learned what I wanted to do. I only wanted to be a wife and a mother. What am I doing to move towards that? Nothing.

I also learned that doing nothing does not necessitate a vegetative state. You become collected and pacified but never complacent and arrogant. One of the things that make you who you are is your ability to push things away and say that it's OK and that you are better than your worst day. And when you start to question what you have always wanted, remember that it has always been a weird sense of confusion that brought you your sense of light.


This is life as told by Meg.

And now I end another chapter. I am still learning and teaching in the story that is my life...