Fear

Fear is an emotion that makes us blind. How many things are we afraid of? We're afraid to turn off the lights when our hands are wet. We're afraid to stick a knife into the toaster to get the stuck English muffin without unpluggin it first. We're afraid of what the doctor may tell us when the physical exam is over; when the airplane suddenly takes a great unearthly lurch in midair. We're afraid that the oil may run out, that the good air will run out, the good water, the good life. When the daughter promised to be in by eleven and it's now quarter past twelve and sleet is spatting against the window like dry sand, we sit and pretend to watch Johnny Carson and look occasionally at the mute telephone and we feel the emotion that makes us blind, the emotion that makes a stealthy ruin of the thinking process.
-Stephen King, Nightshift (Published 1978, Foreword section)

I have to be honest. I am usually an orthodox scaredy cat with all sorts of fears in my mind. Sometimes, I still drive myself crazy, scared of how and why everything seems so perfect when it should be screwed up, and how and why everything seems so screwed up when it should be perfect. I am afraid of a whole lot of things. Things that might seems incredibly petty and simple. Things like being late for work, being caught in a web of lies made by supposed friends, being sucked into a relationship that might not have any meaning to the person you have loved for so long... I'm scared of losing friends, losing family members, losing loved-ones, losing my mind, losing what little intelligence I have, losing my confidence because of a stupid mishap that can't be avoided, losing a fight that I have long prepared for, losing ground, losing my edge, losing something I have.

They say that fear is an emotion that makes you go blind. It also makes you deaf, mute and unbelievably stupid.

People say that it is only fear that you should fear. Everything else must be faced with open arms. Anything unknown is an adventure. Anything new is fair game. Anything undiscovered must be explored and conquered, like a new land... a new treasure... a new opportunity.

I had a nightmare last night. How apt, I just finished watching "Nightmare Before Christmas".

I sincerely can't remember having nightmares. Apparently, I have had some before. It wasn't as one could imagine it to be. It was surreal. It wasn't monsters, or demons. It was amazingly human and distinctly very medical.

I slept at 5 in the morning earlier. Not wanting to miss a movie, and not wanting to lay off the Christmas merriment. No, I wasn't eating. I wasn't drinking. I was smoking, but only a couple of sticks. And no, I wasn't even taking anything - not even vitamins!

I remember dreaming about someone, who I can't remember. I can see myself in my couch, falling asleep. I can hear the same people partying outside our house (the community sponsors a street party every year). I distinctly remember feeling like I'm trying to wake up. Wanting to scream but can't... I can remember attempting three times and not succeeding. I remember hearing someone say "turn, goddamnit". I remember breathing hard. I remember the feeling that my chest was on fire and my whole body going clammy and cold. I could feel my veins being drained of blood. And how, I can't describe, perhaps cos I lack the words. I can even remember being air-light... like dancing on air. I remember screaming with no sound. My hands on my face, scratching like crazy that had I moved my fingers through my face that way, I would have wounded and gouged my eyes. I can never forget wanting so badly to scream and not being able to, wanting so badly to wake up and I can't.

I heard a voice saying "You'll never wake up. You'll never wake up." then I heard someone laughing.

I kept turning, i know I did! And it wasn't working. My whole body was paralyzed.

Finally, I clutched my foot on my lighter and I felt my foot turning. I gasped for air and woke up, finally. I was so scared. So frigging cold, I grabbed my jacket and just sat perplexed for a good 15 minutes. I was alone downstairs, so no one was there to see how shaken up I was. I can feel blood rushing to my whole body. Warm blood rushing to my legs, then to my tummy, then to my arms and fingers. I felt my head warming up and in a few minutes, I felt my clammy skin warm up, flushing. I ran to the restroom to look at the mirror. My face was so red. My chest was burning. I can feel my heart pounding so hard.

I ran to the kitchen and got a teaspoon of sugar. I gulped it all. This was my grandma's cure-all. Moments later, I sank into the couch again. Unable to move or so anything. It felt so supernatural and surreal. Like some force was holding me down. Also, it felt so medical because I know from school how a person with SUNDS (Sudden Unexplained Nocturnal Death Syndrome) dies. They die from cardiac arrest in their sleep. Their blood drains to a specific place, like their spleen or their pancreas and their whole body gasps for fuel. Blood needs to redistribute quickly so their hearts won't give out.

The sugar worked.

It made me feel lulled.

Minutes later, I turned the TV on.

I called my hunny. Spared him the details though. My tummy still hurts. My heart still pounding as we spoke.

I haven't slept since. I think I'm going to sleep tomorrow morning, when everyone's awake.

Now I'm scared.