moments

i found myself watching seven different movies not understanding any one of the story lines.
i got to smoke almost an entire pack just tonight.
i call these the moments. it's getting pretty easy, at least, dealing with these moments.
so, what happened was pretty petty. i was just thinking about him and it happened. i got the guts and courage to check his ex's friendster profile. yikes... they have the same status. yikes, she's as beautiful as ever. yikes, i have no edge over this woman whatsoever.
i mean, how could a man prefer me? an ordinary clod over a goddess? she is so beautiful, intelligent, with a body that could make thousands of men drool and worship her? what do i have against 3 years of bliss? what do i have against car trips and bonding sessions over beer and having the same group of friends and sharing the same interests over time? what can i ever have over this woman? how can he be so damned sure that he wants me? how can he say that he loves me? how can he be so damned positive that i am the only one he wants? he still has her pictures... he still has her name on his blog posts... he still has her... and all i have is his word, which no one has probably heard except me.
sometimes, i get so frightened. i felt myself crying in the middle of my sleep... i know that i have to trust him. and i'm willing myself to. but then sometimes, i get these moments where i know that someday, somehow, this beautiful woman he's turned his back on, will come back to haunt me and claim what is rightfully hers. and he's been marked by her. and i've been marked by him. it's a frigging continuous cycle.
but i know i love him. down to my bones, i know i do.
i've never wanted anything so badly that i was willing to let go.
i've never promised anyone that i will live through a thousand lifetimes so i can be with him.
i've never been this crazy in love before that my heart skips a beat every single time he contacts me.
i've never wanted to be better for someone else except him.
sometimes, i'm scared to find out exactly how much i love him. i think if i explore this feeling, there will be no words, no gestures enough to make him feel what i do for him. i mean, i'm pretty sure i'm smart, but there's just no way that i can explain what i really feel for him. it's as if my life, my entire being, every fiber of it, is his. and i don't know if i made the decision to love him everyday of my life, but i do... everyday, i fall deeper into him. that's why sometimes, i feel that should something happen to us... say he goes back to the woman he left behind, i might die. i'm trying to keep some for myself, and it's so effing hard to do it.
i want to be able to love him with NO restrictions, no boundaries, no limitations, just 100% of my entire soul and heart and being...but maybe, i should save just a little percent just so i won't die if he leaves me. i know that's sick to hear but it's ridiculous not to ask for anything else in this world. i'm happy with him. i hope it never ends.