Moments

There are certain things that do not belong to you yet you intend to enjoy anyhow.

A good song. A nice 2 AM wake-me-up call from a friend. A good early morning cartoon rush with a nice latte and a few smokes. A nice cushion that protects your back. A wonderful ability to move past things that shouldn't be...

These are my "moments". I haven't had them for a long time. The incredible "itch" to write, to reflect and to submerge myself in the tub of my languorous haze. While this is mainly word vomit, I assume, I am not going to apologize for whatever comes out of my thoughts. I'm in a trance today... I shouldn't be sorry at all...

I've been nursing a very bad cold. I've been sickly lately. I haven't been getting enough rest. I've been incredibly tired working for the company. This is new because I just took a certification exam. It's from the Service Desk Institute in the UK. It's slightly expensive but the company paid for it. I guess to impress my colleagues, I really did my best to perfect the exam. I memorized so many things that I was dazed at the end of my exam. I was literally talking with myself after. It covered a lot of service processes, like Business Continuity Management and Outsourcing for IT Companies. It was pretty good. I just did my part. I walked away with 100%. Sounds like I'm being arrogant but I really had to do that. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't just a girl who speaks English. I wanted everyone to know that while I can't configure Java to propel rockets, I can be excellent when it comes to information. I guess I proved something to myself too... I'm a pretty good guesser. Hehe...

I just noticed that lately, my main priority has been my career. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because somehow I've been neglecting friends and Jeoff. Somehow, it's hard to talk with anyone outside of the office. I know, I know... Actually, it's my high school reunion tomorrow. And for some reason, I don't want to be there. High school was never fun. It was never something that I loved. I hated high school. My teachers all thought I wasn't "applying" myself because I was always doing well enough in academics, but never to a point where I got perfect scores. My classmates were all grade-conscious freaks who would call me at 9PM (while I was watching "The X Files", dreaming about David Duchovny) and ask me about what the assignment was. My friends were not from the section I was from. I was in like some form of honors class. And I swear to God, I hated everyone of my classmates. My classmates were cutthroat, vile people that would say something evil behind your back, and smile at you when you're in front of them. I remember when I was in senior year... It was about 10 years ago. Our school paper adviser was asking about who to give the editorial position to for the features page. Everyone voted for this guy who had no experience and zero talent for writing, just because he was popular. I was given the sports page. It was pretty embarrassing. I had to be in every game - volleyball, basketball, cheering, track and swimming. Later on, I realized that I could write stories even with just knowing the score... I never had to watch another ball being tossed from one court to another again. Whoever said that democracy is fair must have been an idiot. (Back off please, my blog, my opinions... ) There was also this girl who "semi-stalked" me. Her name is Jocelyn. She still kind of stalks me every now and then. She would be in EVERYTHING I do. As in literally, in my face kind of involvement in everything. I was part of a lot of geeky clubs - like the Book Lovers' Club and the Science Club and she joined them. I was part of the choir, and she joined as well. I was also part of the school paper. She joined that too. When I started wearing my hair down, she did that as well... She started giving me the "evil eye" when she learned that my family was close with her ultimate crush, Lester's family. It was funny, because Lester's dad is my dad's really close friend. So once, Lester and I were discussing some stuff in school and she would look at me really badly, like she wanted me to burn on the spot. I ran for student council and she shot my chances by telling everyone that I was so cocky that I told her that I'd win hands down. Oh well... She told my friends, my party, my advisers, my teachers and everyone else. I had a fight with my best friends because they believed her. On our senior year, she became the associate editor for the school paper's features page. I quit on our sophomore year because I was busy with something else but I was the next in line for associate editorship. When I finally came back come junior year, she said and I quote, "Why would I step down for something she never deserved?". This is the advantage of being close to her ex-best friend. She is pretty bad. She added me to her friends in Friendster, I have been ignoring her invites until I finally felt bad and decided to add her anyhow. Facebook as well. Nothing is sacred. It's like she constantly finds me and decides to mark her territory. What she doesn't know is that she has scarred me for life. I don't trust people that much anymore. Fast forward ten years, I still hate her guts. Oh and I don't care if she invented a cure for cancer. She will always be mean and hateful.

I had a pretty long talk with Jeoff earlier. As I said. I felt pretty bad. I feel bad because I keep saying that he hasn't been sweet and wonderful as I expect him to be. As if I can blame the guy for being too tired as he comes home. I am a trainer too. I should understand how talking for 8 straight hours and standing and pointing to Powerpoint slides will affect your talking skills. I cried for a few minutes. Telling him that maybe I shouldn't expect anything from him. Sometimes, I really hope he'd be able to open up to me. He keeps saying that in person, it won't be so bad and that he would be sweeter. I just wish that even though we're apart right now, it's still going to be the same. He should still be able to talk with me. He should still be able to tell me what's going on. Oh well... I should stop thinking about it I think that I have a good man and an honest man. I should stop wanting the perfect man. I should love him for what he does, even though I prefer him to do something else. He should be grateful that I love him so much... But I'm pretty grateful that he loves me too. Perhaps what gets to me is the fact that I feel so lonely. It's starting to really get to me. While it's true that career is the primary driving force right now, I sometimes just want to hold someone when I get home. Coming home to an empty bed at night is getting to be incredibly numbing...

Didn't I just say this was word vomit?