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Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Meeting Joe Black Again

Ooohhh... swoon!

Yup, I spent the evening playing with Jeoff's Resto City and Cafe World. I miss him so badly and watching the movie on a local movie channel just made me miss him even more... :(

He's on a family trip in Niagara. Supposedly someplace really romantic. I wonder if other long-distance couples ever feel this way. In fact, I wonder if Jeoff even feels this way. I really feel so bad whenever I see a romantic movie on my own. The kissing and heavy petting on screen makes me the kissing and heavy petting with him! Haha! I know, I know, too much info, but sadly, I would really love it if I can spend a whole month just being with someone I love.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years now. It's crazy.

I am still swooning...

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...

Use Somebody

I am all alone on a Sunday night. It's rainy, cool, soft and depressing... I am watching the TV downstairs with my laptop on a pillow. I got so bored of playing with my pets on FB... I want to rest but I am too wired to do that. I'm waiting for HBO to show The Fast and the Furious. Watching Vin Diesel and treating him like eye candy won't hurt so badly today. 

Jeoff is in the US, visiting some relatives. He'll probably be back Monday night. I really, really wish he is in Toronto, so I can at least call him and talk to him. Honestly, I have been daydreaming that he will be knocking on my front door, white roses and all. It's a little crazy, I know. It's my dream of becoming Meg Ryan - some guy breathlessly whispering how much he loves me, rain pouring on us, and we passionately end in a fiery kiss. It's kind of crazy to sometimes want a prince to ride his white horse and sweep my off my feet. I bet no one really thinks of that. Oh but I do, sometimes. I really sometimes wish that he would actually surprise me - be home, be with me, in my house, in my arms and breathe the same air I am breathing. Fat chance - we do't have enough money and he can't just take a vacation...Oh well... Let's be realistic... 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend who lives here, in Manila. Someone who I can talk to over the phone without worrying about local call charges, someone who can very well ride a cab in the middle of the night when I feel like having ice cream at 4 in the morning, someone who can go to church with me on Sundays and can enjoy a good family meal with my folks and someone who I can make love to - physically, not just say it, but really do it... someone that can kiss me, hold my hands and really gaze into my eyes... Would we last? Would we enjoy each others' company? 

People don't really understand the machinations of a woman in a long distance relationship. People have always told me that LDRs fail. And people who come of LDRs tend to be bitter and fall into the same cycle. I have known so many women who have had their hearts broken cos they let their men go into war, work or another woman's arms a hundred miles away. I myself sometimes don't know how I stay sane and alright... It seems like my whole life (24 years, thank you very much!), I have waited for someone who will love me right, and love me truly. Now that I found him, he has to be snatched away from me by fate. It is immensely painful, almost unbearable especially on night like this when it's raining, dark and cold...

Crashing Into Someone

I just spent the latter part of the day with friends, in a 24-hour spa. I was naked the whole afternoon... It's a pretty freaky and yet liberating experience. I spent some time in the jacuzzi with 5 or so other naked women and thankfully, my contacts were off, thus I wasn't able to look at others' boobs or booties, wondering if mine even hits the chart, haha! I just thought that somehow, I do still feel uneasy about being naked in front of other people whereas other women just took their towels off without any hesitation. My apprehensions about being naked will surely lessen someday, with more visits to that spa...

Spent the day with Chloe again, still worried about Jon. Crying, getting crazy about missing him. It's extremely sad, for her. She can't move on because they work together. She always has this crazy thought that she misses the guy so badly that she keeps regretting her decision to break up.

She asked me earlier how I coped with 6 break-ups and how I wormed my way back into normalcy. I told her that there's no such thing. Honestly, there is no way that you can ask for a normal, regular life right after a break-up. I was being asked questions like how I felt and what it was like with us being so apart and Jeoff breaking up with me over the phone. I told her the truth - that I felt so empty. It really tore me up inside that I kept thinking about pain and death and why God wouldn't strike me dead right where I was standing every time Jeoff would break up with me. There's this crushing pain in my heart, and then, there would be this amazingly huge gaping void in my being. I told her that anyone who has had their heart broken by the one the love the most knows what I feel. It can be likened to something dying inside you and there is nothing but a black hole that sucks out the life in you. And everyday becomes a struggle to fight the black hole so it won't take any more, but you know that everyday, something inside dies. It was so hard to explain. It doesn't really have words... I probably looked normal on the outside but it hit so hard when I get home. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and there was nothing that made me laugh... nothing made me happy. It was literally like my heart popped out and the pain was just so unbearable, my body can hardly contain it.

However, I fought for it.

I told her that if she really did love Jon, there would not be a decision to break up. There would be a decision to play it out and find the best option, like compromise or maybe even a cooling-off period if she really wanted some time to think. However, she made the ultimate decision to never fight for it thought she's weakening her resolve. 

It's crazy... I wish she'd get over that anxiety soon.

Good Girls Go Gaga

I don't really know why for some reason, I am loving this song. I don't intend to go bad anytime... nor do i have thoughtless friends. Just that it's stuck in my head for some reason...

I have come to a few realizations for my birthday and funny thing is, I don't really want to share them verbally. Better do it through my blog. Crazy...

   1. I don't process raw food...
   2. For some reason, I have come have aches and pains all over - I now use a bottle of wintergreen oil to get rid of back pains. Weird.
   3. I am crazy in love with nerds - Jeoff, Chuck and well, Superman - ultimate geek right? Lolz...
   4. I like Ube-flavored ice cream... Pretty crazy but I like it.
   5. I listen to Lady Gaga and I am not ashamed of it. Haha!
   6. I play Facebook games to escape reality - reality being deadlines, admin work and tons of crazy shit in the office.
   7. I am not meant to be in the political arena.
   8. I hate conniving and manipulative bitches who think they can get away with anything by raising their voices, flirting, showing cleavage and pretending they know all about Six Sigma Management Principles.
   9. Someday, justice will fall swift on people who owe me big time...
  10. I really want to get married, have kids and become a good wife and mother. I know no one sees me as that, considering how cutthroat I am but dear gawd, I'd bawl over for an opportunity to become Mrs. Jeoff Francisco now. I miss him.

Considering my top 10 list, I have to ask how people perceive me. I really have come to a point where I don't care. There are a lot of idiots out there and the only thing that matters to me is my family, who really should know me and who really should understand me. No one else needs to know who I am and what I am about except the people that matter. This is my bad phase I guess. I have been such a good girl for so long. People always need to be pleased but honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm turning 28. It's now or never...

Yellow Ribbon

It's one of the saddest, most affecting news of our time. Former President Cory Aquino, democracy fighter, mother of Noynoy, Kris, Pinky and Ballsy, advocate of peace, yellow lady, died a few days due to colon cancer. I grew up with Tita Cory being the president of the Philippines. I grew up watching documentary after documentary of every coup attempt there was to oust a woman president. I grew up believing, because this frail-looking woman became president, that I too, can become someone powerful and influential someday.

The theme I posted here was the proverbial them song of her regime - the yellow ribbon that became the symbol of EDSA, the culmination of the power of the masses that rose against the military rule, the tie that bound the Catholic Church, the new government and the ordinary people, under the foot of an Immaculate Conception statue in the long, winding road of EDSA.

This news has totally overshadowed the GMA state visit to the Obamas'. When GMA delivered her self-serving SONA, GMA primarily boasted of her invitation to the White House - being the first ASEAN leader to be invited to the White House. Tsk tsk... And while she claims that her need to sympathize with the Aquino family is not driven by her political motives, it seems to be so. It always is, and it always will be.

A few hours ago, I watched a long and winded TV telecast featuring Gen. Biazon and his cohorts De Villa and a few other military men who have stood with Tita Cory at the time of the 9 coup attempts. Tina Monzon-Palma who, once being with the TV network GMA-7, came to be a bit too harsh in dealing with Biazon - and interrogated him regarding the take-over of the media stations n the country. Other coup attempts include RAM and the other militant groups. Rehashing the past won't bring Tita Cory back. However, memories tend to haunt us and make us realize that today was not any different from yesterday. We still have coup attempts, we still have mass disorder and anarchy among the masses and even the military. We have never learned our lesson as a country. Sadly, the death of one person does not a chapter conclude. We need to believe in ourselves as a country and fight for what is right.

It goes back to the yellow ribbon. Do we as a country really understand the significance of a yellow ribbon? It's not to be used to mourn Tita Cory's death or to celebrate her life. It's not an FB profile picture to show the world that you are well-versed with the new...It is the bond that ties every Filipino to each other--rich or poor, old or young, educated or otherwise.. we fight for democracy, for goodwill, for peace, for great intentions, for equality, for human rights, for order and for the life that each and everyone has right now...

In an Octopus' Garden

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves
Resting our head on the sea bed
In an octopus' garden near a cave

It's been quite some time since I updated this blog. Several things have happened.

Michael Jackson, King of Pop, is dead. I grew up listening to MJ. I was 9 0r 10 when I first saw MJ in his Thriller video, and I was terrified. I then saw so much more from MJ - Bad, Billie Jean and I was enthralled by how he sang and danced. I remember thinking that he looks like Erika Eleniak from Baywatch when he did the Black and White video. I also remember wanting to get tickets for a concert he had here in the Philippines. I also stayed up late to watch his documentary as done by Martin Bashir (who has recanted, what a d-bag!). A lot of people still look up to this dude despite the eccentricity. Oh well, we love the music, we love the icon, and we all love the stories... MJ will be missed - I will miss him.

Perez Hilton has claimed that Will I Am from The Black Eyed Peas has hit him. One gay dude calling a black guy a "fag" hence the retaliation from Will I Am's posse. Tsk tsk... Gays discriminating against their own... what has the world come to?!

Cory Aquino has been bed-ridden for days in the hospital. I just saw some ads about people joining a mass in the Sts Peter and Paul Chapel in Makati with satellite churches all over the Philippines holding a mass for her healing. I remember Kris tearfully (in her colegiala accent) thanking the masses for their support for her "mum". For some reason, because of Kris I guess, I feel very little sympathy for Cory. True, she supposedly changed the history of the Philippines but as of late, she has been like a pendulum, swinging from one side to another in terms of politics. I do hate people suffering, but for some reason I don't feel the urge to light a candle to wish for Cory's health. Maybe if I know for a fact that my future kids don't have to suffer paying hiked up taxes that her family and their cronies enjoy so much of.

Well, on to me...

I am dead tired. SDM hired a Korean guy that isn't technical AT ALL so I have to train him on the basics - even saving files or like shortcust like Ctrl-A or Ctrl-C and Ctrl-V. Ohhhh dear! I am feeling the stress, and the pain and yes, the need to make the Korean dude ready for the floor but OMG! I doubt that he will be.

I am scheduled to go back to school tomorrow. Back to SSHS (yes, HS was a bit of hell for me...) but this time for a really great cause - I am Ela's godmother. I got her a wonderful watch (the one for kids) from Blueberry which is a local brand for watches. I also got her a 100% cotton quilt and bolster. I got her a blue set though. I wanted her to appreciate all colors, I think I never see that kid in any other color but pink. LOL!

I woke up crying earlier. I feel so bad. I can't even begin to tell people about it. I'm so depressed - just ridiculously depressed. I am beyond words - beyond sadness. I wish I had more time to explore my feelings but I really don't. I had to get up and just put on my shirt and jeans to get something from the mall before it closes. I'm so alone. I do feel alone. This is something no one probably wants to think of, but when it comes down to what I do, where I go, I do feel ridiculously alone. I shop alone, cook alone, eat dinner alone, I primarily sit down only with my thoughts. Wish I can just release all these feelings.

I miss being part of a couple. I really miss holding someone's hand and looking into someone's eyes. I miss him.

Contented

I've been crazy for Kris Allen for sometime now, since watching the American Idol Season Finale. This is one of his songs - Ain't No Sunshine. It's a really beautiful song about not having sunshine til the one you love comes to you.

Lately, it's been a weird and crazy ride. I have to admit that there are times when I feel like everything is still surreal. In retrospect, nothing really prepares you in terms of love and loss and even committing. The funny part is that there is no freakin' manual for falling so deeply in love. It strikes you at the most inopportune time and grips at you so tightly, it won't matter where it drags you to.

I realized that in this life, you have a thousand choices. You can choose your own ambitions, your own inhibitions, you can even choose your own deviations. In my case, I chose my emotions. I remember being so driven by power and needing so much more and now, I can honestly say that I am finding love to be an equally potent drive for me. It becomes your day-to-day fix.

Why am I blogging about something I claim to be true a few months ago? Because I feel myself slipping. A few weeks ago, Jeoff and I would have terrible fights - leaving me depressed, angry and wanting to get back at him. I can't really say what's wrong. It was probably the fact that everything seems out of my control. I hate my job because I can't have full control over it. I hate my life cos I can't even freakin' control what time I would wake up. I was constantly late in waking up (thank goodness for having a flexible schedule!) and I would always wake up angry and depressed and wanting to kick myself for a bad night or a bad sleep or having a bad dream that I can't remember. I felt like I needed an exorcist last week. I'm sure if Jeoff was to be asked, he wanted to drag me to a psychiatric ward. My addiction to control. I forgot how to be Zen and how to be relaxed about what I wanted and what I needed.

I had a heated confrontation with my new boss, her name is Lucy. I have been losing interest in my job for over a few months now. And if you follow my tweets (Yup, I have joined the Twitterverse), it always talks about how I hate my job, how my job discourages me and demotivates me to high heavens. And so on...

The problem is that Lucy is managing our team while moonlighting as an SDM (Service Delivery Manager). That or she's an SDM moonlighting as a Service Implementation Manager. Since I head training, I was naturally the choice to work on that particular campaign (the one she works for as an SDM). Problem is it's remote, it's too far away, I can't just pop in and out of the country just because I have to work on it. Furthermore, the company doesn't intend to lose money. Also, the client for that campaign has these impossibly strict rules of confidentiality that our company seems to want to uphold without putting their foot down on the way our company operates. Anyhow, I'm actually going to let it go because my life shouldn't revolve around a freakin' job. It should be about something I really want to do. I should start doing something I like, find a cause or work on something artistic.

Work should just be work. I should be contented with what I have. :)

Why Blog?

Got a tag from Ceemee about this...

Because it's a reminder - the pain, the torture, the anguish, the hurt and yup, some of the good stuff too. I want my blog to be a reminder for me - not for anyone else- that I lived my life fighting and hoping that certain injustices in the world can be corrected, that certain things can be changed. It's a way for me to remember that once in my life, I held ideals and beliefs that somehow, shaped me to be who I am now.

So, why blog? So I can remind myself of who I am.

Maddening World

Lately, I've been feeling incredibly sad. I don't really know why or what for, just have been deeply sad. Like a deep, hollow feeling that I can't shake off. I don't really understand what I am going through, maybe this is what they call "organic depression", I don't really know for sure.

Don't get me wrong, I know how to laugh. Just that, it's kinda hard to pretend that nothing's wrong..

Poetry in Motion

I don't want this to be forgotten...

...

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness

What is that?
“It is the end and it is the beginning” she said
I don’t understand.
“Your bitter journey’s end is at hand. You’re free.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope?

I hear the voice, yet I can’t see you.
“Come close to the light.”
Near the light, a silhouette patiently waiting
Who are you?
“You never were alone.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I never wanted to be alone.
“Come closer.”
I need to do my time.
“Here, time has no meaning. Come closer.”

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

As I come closer, I feel the warmth emanating from the light.
What does it mean?
“Salvation. Life.”
“Come closer."

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

I see her.
The eyes…the face…the smile…
I know you.
“Yes you do.”
A Fallen Angel
She smiles

A sliver of light shimmering in the expanse of darkness
Hope.

A journey into the light
Salvation
Life

Love

This was a poem written on Jeoff's blog dated April 21st, 2006.


And my response was...

so, i told you i liked you.
you told me you liked me.
it was april fools' day.
it was over coffee.
it was over a pack or so of cigarettes.
i never meant for it to go this way.
i am scared of losing you, pardon the selfishness of what i am about to say.
i feel so much for you and yet, you're afraid to hurt me?
didn't you just hurt me?
when you said all those beautiful things and then took it back with a swift "i don't want to hurt you?"
i want more from this life than you.
yet, this time, i want you.
i may not love you yet, but who's to say i can't?
and who's to judge that i won't?
all i'm saying is don't close your doors on what i am about to give you.
cos believe it or not it doesn't get any better than this
you'll never find anyone better than me
and sadly, i may never find anyone better than you...

i don't want regrets
i don't want to cry over you
i don't want to cry over things that could have been
i don't want to lose you

I WISH YOU'RE MINE.
I PROMISE NOT TO HURT YOU.
JUST PLEASE BE MINE.

and yes, i can't believe that i'm saying this
maybe you're right.
maybe i am just emotional right now...
maybe i need to spend more time thinking about this...

Further

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want, but how long can you wait?
Every moment last forever.
When you feel you've lost your way.

What if my chances were already gone?
I started believing that I could be wrong.
But you give me one good reason.
To fight and never walk away.

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing.

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

I fought to the limit, to stand on the edge
What if today is as good as it gets?
Don't know where the future's heading
But nothing's gonna bring me down
I've jumped every bridge and I've run every line
I risked being safe but I always knew why
I always knew why

So here I am, still holding on

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes
To get to that one thing

Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can

You can go higher, you can go deeper
There are no boundaries above and beneath you
Break every rule 'cause there's nothing between you
And your dreams

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe

Yeah, there are no boundaries
There are no boundaries

With every step, you climb another mountain
Every breath, it's harder to believe
You'll make it through the pain, weather the hurricanes

There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.
There are no boundaries.

So here I am, blogging again. For some weird reason, I have come to be very lazy at updating this blog. Only because I can Twitter to my heart' content. LOL! And it's not like this blog gets read anyhow. Not that it matters too. I might as well remember things that I have to note anyhow.

The American Idol Season Finale
I just watched the finale of American Idol and Kris Allen couldn't deserve it anymore than he does. He has such a wonderful voice and has done an amazing job at preserving who he is throughout the whole competition. He has talent and he does an amazing job at being on stage and performing. He has the makings of a new Daughtry or be the next David Cook - wait, he is the next David Cook! LOL!

The Katrina Halili-Hayden Kho Videos
Meg's Note: I wish I can provide the video here, but I think that's just really unfair to me and to people who read my blog. I know where to find it and I guess it would just be unfair to even provide a link.
So I have been in and out of my mind about this whole Katrina-Hayden thing. See what staying at home does to a person? I think I watched every damned interview she had and every damned comment he had to say. I am kinda scared now. I mean, I have had a pretty weird life and I have to admit that I am a little scared. I am no celebrity but I must have done something crazy in my life once or twice. What if someone took a video of it and posted it on a site somewhere? I am freaked out -a little. I think that every woman has a right to be protected against being treated like a porn star. Servers for uploading videos should have a fail-safe method of protecting themselves and women against videos that are not done with consent. (As if any woman would want her video being played over and over again for some horny, crazy maniac out there, but you never really know...) Digital signatures can be run for sites that run services for uploading vids like that. Or they can mimic what Facebook has been doing. They can police certain videos that would be caught with nudity or maybe even a check as to how legit the "star" of the video is. Either way, cyberspace laws in the Philippines have been weak. I think someone should start protecting women from this kind of abuse.
I'm not really sympathizing with Katrina, nor I am tolerating Hayden's actions, but I think they're both consenting adults. Even without being told, Katrina should have known that what she was doing could leak to the public. Another point is she knew she was being videotaped when she was dancing. I think it's weird that she didn't know that she was being videotaped when she was banging her head off. So, there's that element of doubt for me as to her actual knowledge of being videotaped while having sex. It's just sad that people got their hands on that video, and I'm guessing these are the wrong people. (Yes, it's me being sarcastic...) I like the fact that she has amazing boobs though. Haha, I gotta pay a visit to Belo sometime!

Viral Gastroenteritis
Yup, I was an unfortunate stay-at-home patient for four straight days this week. I was too weak and too sick to actually do anything at home. I didn't even log in to check my mails. Anyone who needed to get in touvh with me had to do it through phone. And my poor Jeoff had to suffer through my mood swings and my apparent lack of sense.
I was diagnosed with having yeast in my stomach. Ewww, right? What the hell?! Supposedly, your gastric flora consists of everything - from bacteria to a little fungi. Mine was through the roof. This was because I kept taking medications - so everything from vitamins to pain killers could actually mess up one's normal gastrointestinal flora. I guess the soda, the coffee wasn't really helping me. I was out sick for four straight days. By Friday, I was rearing to go to work but being back to work last Friday was pretty darned tiring. Thus, I am at home now instead of being with friends.
I also look forward to the day that my stomach will return to normal and not turn at the sight of food. Well, normal food. I miss being able to eat something with grease - think Double Cheeseburger. And yes, some fries. Oh, what I would give for a good seafood ravioli too.

Pain
I am currently going through something that I think I won't be able to talk about in detail here. It involves my incumbent family (haha!). I hope that things work out well. I feel that by far, I've done my best and I can only wish for a little bit of restitution and a bit of resilience from my end. I feel that all my life, I've tried my very best to fight off people who always tell me that I can't do something. I guess that it's been a constant battle for me. Until the day I die, people will always want me to prove something to them. And it's been a little bit unfair, I would say. I hope that this dies its natural death.
The problem with me is that I tend to care too much. Sometimes, a little too much. I have told Jeoff that everyone else can go to hell but I will keep on doing what I need to do and all that matters is him and myself. I believe that firmly. I hope that someday, people can see through what wall they have created of me and for me. People tend to be cautious with me, and very judgmental. I hope that someday, somehow, I can be accepted for what I am and what I represent, rather than being kept away at an arm's length because of what I am and what I represent. I know this seems fuzzy, but I surely hope that whatever storm I'm feeling, there will be a calmer weather in the future.

Lateralus

This song is for the one I love...
Keep it up and take it one at a time.
I love you...

I listened to this when I saw this once in a pool of songs I have. I can't believe how powerful they are...

Black then white are all i see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me.
lets me see there is so much more and
beckons me to look thru to these infinite possibilities.
as below, so above and beyond, I imagine
drawn outside the lines of reason.
Push the envelope. Watch it bend.

Missing...

I know I've placed this on my blog... But I really miss Jeoff so much...

Family Traps

Family Portrait - P!nk

I don't even know why the hell I'm blogging about it. I guess I don't really have anywhere else where I can actually say what the hell I feel, so I better just go ahead and state what I need to state.

I'm friggin' tired of being an older sister.

Funny, you say...

Yup, I dunno if anyone has ever treated being part of a family as a job but I am on this job 24/7. I actually want to give up on it. The more I think about it, the more it allows me to rationalize and justify what I am feeling.

I am from a family of very-together parents, and a brother that is not so together in his brain. I actually have the complex of a middle child brought on by the fact that I am the middle kid. Yes folks... I had a elder brother, who died while he was a fetus inside my momma's tummy. I exhibit the classic symptoms of the middle child syndrome...

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.

Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, there fore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however very artistic and creative. If forced to use abilities they will work well, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a writing or journalism career, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

Source: http://www.essortment.com/all/whatismiddlec_rsoe.htm

I have always wondered why the hell I always feel that my parents never really loved me the same way my brother was loved. He gets off scot-free, while I suffer asking for penance for everything I have done, good or bad.

Case in point, last Sunday, the belligerent brat decided to bring his highly pretentious GF to the house for an overnight stay. With Mama being away for the weekend to go back to the province and visit her kin, I was in charge. He threw a fit when I simply asked "You're not sleeping in the same room, are you?". What ensued was a heated exchange of words. Followed by pretentious GF saying calmly "I think I'll just go home...". (Obviously, she wouldn't be caught in the middle of a family drama which she herself caused, let alone be subjected to the darts of fury I have to lash out against her.) He slammed the door shut, almost locking me in the house. Upon trying to pry our ancient metal door open, I kept thinking to myself if I was wrong, if I was too strict... I sent an SMS to my mom, who after 2 hours later confirmed that she did approve of the overnight stay of the pretentious GF in the house, but had assumed that it was for Saturday and not Sunday night. That really got to me.

If I was actually to bring a strange man into my home, into my room, when I was 21... would my mom have gotten

a. a shotgun
b. dinner for the man
c. happy that her daughter will finally get laid

That is a question that will haunt my mind forever.

What happened next was also detrimental to my mental health as Mama got back home and spoke nothing of the incident. Like it was something normal.

Tuesday night, I come home with my belligerent brat of a brother (Yes, I love alliterations!) with his friends on the couch, watching TV and smoking. This was at 2AM... Do I react? Nope. I march straight up to my room. I told my dad the next morning to please tell my friggin' brother that I would really love some quiet time to myself, stress and all from the office. My Mama then tells my brother to lay off the late night couch sessions. My brother then texts me very hurtful messages like "Stay out of my fucking business" and "You're such a bitch...". Maybe I am. I forward the messages to my Mama, thinking she'd castigate the little freak to which she says "Just ignore him..."

Ok...I totally get it. The little repugnant brat was just venting. I want to vent to by calling him names no respectable newspaper would be caught dead printing. But nope, I just have to ignore it. I am trying to but it just cuts right to you. You know, back then, I was thinking, I want to raise my kids the same way my parents raised me but come to think of it... nope.

Sure I never did drugs. I didn't sleep around. I couldn't f*cking kill a bird, let alone another human being, but damn, I couldn't love myself for what I am cos I feel like I am never good enough. I was never given much discipline so I tried to be rigid and disciplined for my sake. I always was honest because I thought that the only way people can be honest with me is if I actually pushed myself to be a good person, good enough to never lie. I became a recluse, fighting for a friggin' chance to be a director, engulfing myself with so much eff*ng work, it ain't funny no more so I can prove to myself that I still got it... Even in my relationship with my fiance, I need to hear that I am loved for me to know that I am loved. I need to be valued and appreciated cos I never felt appreciated. How's that for f*cking twisted?!

Last night, when I got into a cab, I whipped out my phone and started typing the plate number of the cab I was riding. It was 1:30AM... and I just realized, oh right, Jeoff's dad is en route to Toronto... His dad asked me to ALWAYS send him the cab info everytime I go home. (Pretty preposterous, right, since I'm a 27 year-old woman who has always been taking cabs... ) I sent the message to Jeoff instead. He replied, "...you should send it to your folks. " The thing is my folks never asked me to actually text them any kind of information as to where I am. Could it be that for some malignant reason, his dad actually loves me more than my own folks do?

Bucket List

I watched "The Bucket List" last Sunday evening. It was one tear-jerking, crazy funny movie that everyone has to see...

I'm so amazed with how the story was played-out. It all starts with Morgan Freeman's character, Carter, who was diagnosed with cancer and was brought into Mr. Edward Cole's (Jack Nicholson) hospital. When Edward was diagnosed with cancer as well, he was made to bunk in with Carter due to his own policies about hospital rooms having 2 patients each. What followed was a barrage of disturbing chemo-related stories and them weakening with every day. One day, Carter was scribbling his bucket list - a list of things that he wanted to do before he kicked the bucket. It's an amazing and beautiful story where Carter sees the world with a friend, his profession being an auto-mechanic with a brain that could beat Jeopardy contestants in a heartbeat while Edward finances everything that they have written on the bucket list.

Towards the latter part, Edward gets a letter from Carter

Dear Edward,

I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband; I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me, so rather than try, I'm just going to ask you to do something else for me-find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true-you're certainly not everyone, but everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.

One of my favorite scenes was the eulogy for Carter where Edward was crying and he strikes "Help a complete stranger" off the list when he realized that Carter helped him more than he could ever imagine.

Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side.

It also stars Sean Hayes as "Tom", Edward's assistant and butler who is actually named Matthew but was renamed by Edward only because Matthew seems too biblical. 5 stars from me for the funny, sad and deeply moving movie.

Numerology and Names

Funny, I got this off Cara's site. Kinda accurate though... This link is where you can check it out...

You entered: Michelle

There are 8 letters in your name.
Those 8 letters total to 40
There are 3 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Hebrew Female Close to God. Feminine form of Michael: Who is like God? Gift from God.
French Female Feminine of Michael: gift from God.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

This is Jeoff's...

You entered: Jeoffrey

There are 8 letters in your name.
Those 8 letters total to 45
There are 3 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

That seems accurate too. Weird...

Month of March

Hey Now Now - Swirl 360

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog for the past few months. I still can't believe that for some reason, I've been overwhelmed and swamped with work. My weekends are now sacred, thanks to a healthy dose of overtime work being rendered so I can finish all my deliverables.

I am quite exhausted.

For some reason, I think highly of myself when I'm able to finish a lot of the tasks assigned to me. I love stretching myself to the limit primarily because it makes me feel that at the end of the day, I did something miraculous and I was able to erect the Tower of Babel on my own. Currently, I am at a lost because I am THE only training and development coordinator in Merlin with two sites under her belt. I am the only project manager with no team... and I am the lone wolf in the firm belief that training can have a feasibly good return on investment. Yes, I didn't need Six Sigma Training to prove that.

When Brit Boy comes back, I am sure to tell him how horrible it has been without him. I know I could actually lose my job but man, I am pretty sure they've seen how cost-effective I have been. For some reason, I kinda make it effortless, except that, my boss the current VP did this to me...

From: VP
Sent: 20 March 2009 00:34
To: Meg
Subject: FW: Meg's schedule

Here it is…
________________________________________
From: Brit Boy
Sent: 16 March 2009 17:22
To: VP; Boss1
Subject: RE: Meg's schedule

Hi VP,

I think this was a misunderstanding caused because Brenda is on holiday and Viktoria is standing in for her. I don’t think Meg was really needed on Friday as they were just doing the assessment but Viktoria didn’t know this.

We’ll make sure to be strict with trainees on their attendance in future. This had not been raised with me previously. I want to make sure that Meg knows that her work is valued. Things are pretty hectic in Campaign2 and no-one blames Meg for any confusion last week.

Thanks,
Brit Boy

________________________________________
From: VP
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:08 PM
To: Boss 1; Brit Boy
Subject: Meg's schedule

Hi Bosses,

I just want to raise a concern from Meg about her training schedule. She confirmed with me last night that she has no schedule for Campaign2 today so she can handle the newhire training in Campaign1 but since she finished late yesterday she requested to come in at a late schedule.

This afternoon though or around 8am UK time, we received a call from Victoria of Campaign2 looking for Meg as there is a scheduled training which will start in an hour. I advised her that I’ll get in touch with Meg to confirm as she may not be aware of it but Victoria emphasized that there is a training and that’s basically the reason why they’ve asked those employees to come to work that time. She asked for an immediate return call from Meg and if she can do an assessment instead or ask questions from each of them.

I’ve talked to Meg about it and she has raised some concerns. First she wasn’t informed about the training today since the schedule she knows is for her to conduct the training within 3 days and she has completed that for the week. She actually expressed her disappointment on the schedule and was concerned that there might be an impression on her that she’s not doing her job but I told her that I’ll be explaining it to you as well to clarify the situation. Second, if there’s any urgent request for training or changes in schedule, it would help if an email will be sent in advance so she can prepare and ensure that she won’t miss out the schedule. Third, she has also given me feedback that sometimes the attendees are late and not prepared for their meeting despite her advance notice or email reminder, perhaps we can remind the Campaign2 team about it. Let me know as well if I can directly advise SDM of Campaign2 about it. Lastly, if there is an available timeline for Meg's task in Campaign2, would appreciate if we can have it so she can manage her time effectively. I have been getting feedback from other people that Meg is getting tired and burned out so I’d like her to take some time off on those dates that she won’t have training schedules with Campaign2.

Pls. let me know as well if there’s any assistance you need from me or if you have any feedback for Meg, Process Analyst and Bitchy QA so I can discuss it with them.

Many thanks,
VP

Ok, if that doesn't state that I don't know how to handle my time, I don't know what else to make of it. Furthermore, I did raise a concern but I didn't complain! Also, notice how she conveniently left me out of the email trail. Tsk tsk... Such is a manager...

Repost from FB

This was a tag from Yanka... Loved it cos at least there was something I did that was fun.

1. I am someone who is passionate about work, food, drinks, cigarettes, TV shows and love...

2. I hate shopping. I hate shopping cos of the crowd, the overpriced goods and the fact that most of the dresses I like don't fit me...

3. Before going to work, I love having a zen moment - I have a cup of coffee, I watch some TV and even read some magazines. This is prior to riding two commuter trains to get to work.

4. My very first kiss was in a cab and we were at the backseat. After the kiss, I sighed and I caught the sight of the cab driver smirking at us. Tsk tsk...

5. I practice self-mockery and extreme sarcasm well. I always tell people that the reason I don't wear pink is because I look like Miss Piggy. I actually like the way I look-that seems so narcissistic but seriously, I like the fact that I have a pair of eyes, a nose and lips.

6. When I commute, I like listening to extremely fast dance songs - think Britney, Fergie, Beyonce and N'Sync. This actually allows me to block out everything else. When I am working though, I'd go with the classics (Beatles, Metallica) or alternative (Incubus, Hoobastank, Switchfoot).

7. I am constantly haunted by dreams of falling down. It's weird. Sometimes I wake up because it seems like I'm struggling and I'd have forgotten the dream sequence when I wake up.

8. I can't sleep without a pillow next to me. I'm not lying on it, nor am I supposed to be hugging it, I just need a pillow next to me. I think my parents just covered the fact that I fell from my high crib when I was a child, hence no. 7. Hehe...

9. I am bothered by the sound of old jazz - as in the 1920's type of jazz... Don't ask me to explain why. I think in my past life, I was tortured to the tune of a ragtime favorite.

10. My favorite thing ever? A nicely brewed cup of slightly bitter coffee, sans the cream and syrup and everything else that makes it so fashionably elite ala Starbucks or Coffee Bean. And I never drink hot coffee or hot tea. It has to be served cold and iced.

11. Museums used to frighten me as a child. When I was 10, we had a field trip to the National Museum and part of the tour was to see displays of old Sagada coffins and petrified (mummified) bodies. I wasn't able to sleep for a whole week as I kept thinking of those mummies every night when my mom switches the lights off. I don't remember stepping into another museum until my junior year in college, when there was a research paper that had to be submitted for my Phil Institution class.

12. I don't consider myself an intellectually adept girl but most people consider me a nerd because I know how some chemicals are supposed to react with each other. I actually loved Chemistry (well, Inorganic Chemistry at least) but I chose not to pursue it.

13. My college days were full of zits, failing marks, boy-crazy moments and yes, a lot of classes that I didn't attend because I chose to watch a movie instead. I would come to class unprepared more often than not and that's when I learned that I had the talent to cram stuff into my head a few minutes before the exam, but just enough to pass the exam and not to excel. I used to have a study buddy and we'd go to Starbucks every time to review. The problem was I didn't really pay attention and I was always distracted with the people.

14. Following fact no. 14, I don't look at people because I find them interesting or cute, especially when I people-watch with friends. It's because I'm secretly trying to read their minds.

15. Following fact no. 15, because can't read minds, I read gestures instead. Hehe...

16. I think the best job ever exists in an alternate universe. While people still consider me to be young, (wow,in some tribes, yes...), I've had a total of 10 jobs in 5 companies (promotions included). I think I get bored and restless easily. I don't like doing the same thing over and over again. This fact makes me seem like the poster child for ADD but seriously, if it gets boring, you'll see me put myself less and less out there.

17. I am a big fan of spy drama and action flicks. I know, it makes me sound like a total tomboy but I don't really like anything that would make me cry (think Million Dollar Baby, A Walk to Remember and Blood Diamond which I attempted to watch and stopped midway...I got bored...)

18. I am a non-practicing Chinese. People usually assume that I come from a strict Chinese background because of the unchanged and non-Westernized last name. Truth be told, I wouldn't know when the hell the lunar year starts and what kind of animal supposedly owns the year in the Chinese zodiac. The most Chinese thing I can do is carry a conversation with someone and pick out Yang Chow fried rice in either North Park or Hap Chang.

19. I maintain only one type of hairdo... The layered shoulder-length and slightly colored hair do you see on me is inspired by Jen Aniston's famous hairdo from Friends. Thank goodness it's still alright nowadays because I don't think I'd look good with short hair, or curly hair or with a goddess cut.

20. I believe that life is better with no preferences but I do insist in having my way over a lot of things.

21. The best advice I got was from a silly mug that I got from a white elephant gift exchange. It said "Own your destiny". Nice and deep but it was written in gold metallic glue over a black mug...

22. The one thing that attracted me most to Jeoff is his sense of humor. A friend once said that with the way I worked and at the rate I was going, I needed someone who would laugh AT me. I think I found him. Haha!

23. I don't think it's considered cheating when I think about Dean Cain every now and then or when I go out of my way to watch a movie on HBO or Hallmark that has him on it. I had the biggest crush on him back then when he was still in Lois and Clark with Teri Hatcher. I still kind of do, but I have a bigger crush on someone else. Hehe... =)

24. My real eye color will never be revealed. Haha! Seriously, people think that I wear colored contacts because I like to change the way I look. It's actually because I've ripped, lost and misplaced clear contact lenses while cleaning them. The darker the color of the lenses, the better I see them.

25. I am a big fan of vegging out. I work like crazy for 5 days a week, I deserve to veg out on a Sunday or a Saturday, not worry about food, or bills or emails to be answered. I just prop my feet up and watch countless hours of TV - from HBO to the Cartoon Channel until the wee hours of the morning.