when it's over

it's over. no more hoping, no more wishing, no more dreaming of this man.

how did i realize it? how did i come to this conclusion?

i was walking in the grocery aisle sunday evening. i hate shopping in the afternoon, because there would be a lot of people there. so, i usually do my grocery shopping at night. thank god malls near my place are open til 10PM. i saw a couple. the guy was holding up a cantaloupe for his wife, who seems to be ready to give birth. the girl kind of looks like me. fair-skinned, a bit chubby, thanks to the pregnant belly. the guy looks a bit like him. a little tan, stocky... seems like someone you could run to for comfort. i just looked at them transfixed. i started shaking. before i realized it, i was tearing up. i looked away and went to the poultry section. it seems surreal, but i started noticing. every damned couple that was passing me by. someone was looking at me like they recognized me, someone seemed like they wanted to talk with me... a woman even looked at her boyfriend or husband and whispered. i think tears were starting to fall. and i was in the poultry section. that was extremely pathetic, even for me.

so, i ended up wishing all night that he'd call. just to say hi, just to ask how i was doing, and i would tell him that i just want him back, i just need him back so badly.

i was up all night, i waited and begged god to make him call me. nothing.

i tried to get some sleep and woke up around 7 in the morning. i called him up. i needed to talk with him. i needed him to see what he was missing.

and nothing.

he was not mising me in that sense.

he may not be even missing me at all.

i hate being stuck in this. i hate that i love him and can't seem to let go. every day, in the back of my mind, he'd call to tell me how much he loves me and how he wants me back.

and nothing.

when it's over, there are only three things a person can do. first, give it a rest. he has made his decision. he will make more decisions in the future not involving you at all, so please, for all that is holy and mighty, get a life and do something else other than wish for him to want you back. second, fight for it. at the sake of sounding really pathetic, you can always want him to choose you, pick you and love you for the rest of his life. you can always pray so damned hard to all the saints and even pray a long novena to the saint jude, patron saint of the hopeless. there is even a mass dedicated to those who long for love in a church somewhere in malacañang every thursday. third, and i think, the most sensible thing to do, is to stop. stand still. don't push him away, don't beg him to come to you. if he calls, great! you're still friends! if he doesn't, then just be happy you have more time to rest. if he wants you back, then reconsider. if he doesn't want you back, then just be thankful for the great and the not-so-great times.

letting you go

here's a post i wrote about another man long ago. it was beautiful to love him because it was one-sided. i was the only one who loved and he doesn't. now, i think i'm going to recycle this and remind myself of what he meant to me. i'm meeting up with him this weekend. no, i am not looking for another relationship... i'm just looking for something to feel.

i only exist in a frame of mind you're not ready to acknowledge because knowing me means loving me and trusting me with my decisions and principles. and no, you're not a risk-taker. and no, you won't jump to my rescue. for you, i'm the off tangential line in a cartesian plane and i am the outlying statistic in a frequency curve. i am the ugly dot that exists in the proverbial clean slate of your life. i am the nothingness that escaped your hardened filter of morals.


yes, i have to admit. i have fallen madly in love with you. your eyes sparkle with hope and your smile conveys every emotion of love and consideration. when you see me, your eyes twinkle and your lips curve in a smile, but do you dream of me too? at night when i hug my pillow close to me... when i rest my mind and pacify myself with the thought of you welcoming me every morning or me waking up next to you the next day? when i calm myself with the thought that you believe in me, eventhough the whole world hates me?

you once told me, that you loved me.
you once told me, that you missed me...
you once told me that you will welcome me with open arms in the event that the world comes crashing to my feet.
you can't be everything to me.
but you are.

i love you.

there, i have said it.

do i get a prize?


i don't want to love you. cos loving you means i am weak, and i am fragile and that i can't keep myself from feeling.

emotions i can't afford to have right now.

emotions i can't hide.

where will you be after i have said that i love you? will you still be there for me? or will i scare you off? you are too sacred to lose. and too beautiful to forget. you are the one thing i would love to take hold of and never let go. but i am to weary and too jaded to even try.

so i am letting you go.
not because i love you too much.
but because i am learning to love myself too.


and loving you has clouded my judgment and my opinion of myself. i am never going to be good enough for you. and that's ok. cos i will never be good enough for myself too.

i am letting you go. i am letting you go. i want to let you go... and i will.

little saving graces

I hate this phase! I'm so morbidly amused by all these crazy quotes:

"You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth."

Now, here's a really freaky poem. Thanks, Ceres, for this!

Circe's Power
by Louise Glück


I never turned anyone into a pig.
Some people are pigs; I make them
look like pigs.

I'm sick of your world
that lets the outside disguise the inside. Your men weren't bad men;
undisciplined life
did that to them. As pigs,

under the care of
me and my ladies, they
sweetened right up.

Then I reversed the spell, showing you my goodness
as well as my power. I saw

we could be happy here,
as men and women are
when their needs are simple. In the same breath,

I foresaw your departure,
your men with my help braving
the crying and pounding sea. You think

a few tears upset me? My friend,
every sorceress is
a pragmatist at heart; nobody sees essence who can't
face limitation. If I wanted only to hold you
I could hold you prisoner.

I don't care about the other lines, I only care for the last line. "If I wanted only to hold you, I could hold you prisoner." Wish this was true for me.

in retrospect

This sucks. The good news is I can predict the future. The bad news is I think I'm a doomsayer. Read on. This was an entry from long before!

i'm going to sound really weird, but i don't want to submerge myself in complete bliss. why, you ask? because it's always been my experience that if i am happy in one moment, something comes crashing in the next sequence of events. i'm kind of half-expecting an ex-girlfriend that will throw a gallon of acid to my face just to disfigure my already fugly mug, a friend who's totally against me, his family warning him that they'll disown him if he continues to see me, or just a plain "i fell out of love with you when i woke up this morning". i mean, i know things like what i mentioned are only seen in the movies, but hey, it could happen to me.
-Blog Entry "happiness", March 5, 2007

Woah! I am bulimic - I can read minds. It did happen to me. Well, people actually fall out of love! And it sucks. Oh and people who might comment on this... seriously, BITE ME!

the soundtrack of a break-up

The Soundtrack of a Break Up. Ahhh.. When you go through a break up, you feel like there's nothing more painful, more morose and yes, more devastating. I realized that instead of bitching, fighting and contemplating, I better do something productive...like get a new job or toast my hair to a crisp thanks to ironing, curling and styling products. I also learned that smoking more than a pack these days can be somewhat helpful. I probably shouldn't be doing this, but hey, I am miserable. Knowing that the one you hold near and dear will never hold you near and dear sucks. And one more thing that you have to know about me right now...? Being me sucks big time!

This was actually emailed to me by a great friend. Niko, you bastard, stop giving me hope. Truthfully, hope sucks! Haha!


20 Good Reasons

They say love hurts
I wrote that book
I climbed that wall I had one look
But you just came around
To say hello

The streets were filled
With guilty hearts
And here was I right from the start
And I lost everything
When I lost you

So tell me baby why-y-y-y
Should I let you go
Give me 20 good reasons
I need to know, yeah

And at that point
There was no pain
There was no sky
There was no rain
For all there was was you
And your sweet face

But life is life
And things will change
Like scenes upon an actor's stage
Tomorrow comes today
For all we know

So tell me baby why-y-y-y
Should I let you go
Give me 20 good reasons
I need to know, yeah
Give me 20 good reasons
Give me 20 good reasons
Give me 20 good reasons
To let you go

So tell me baby why-y-y-y
Should I let you go
Give me 20 good reasons
I need to know, yeah
Tell me baby why-y-y-y
Should I let you go, yeah
Give me 20 good reasons
I need to know, yeah
Give me 20 good reasons
Give me 20 good reasons
Give me 20 good reasons

Here's something my ex sent me just a few days ago. It's not exactly a break up song but he said that it reminds him of something. Hmn...vengeance? Judgment? Or the fact that I call myself the "fallen angel". Either way, this song sounds pretty haunting and a bit crazy. I wanted to go ahead and post it anyhow.

3 Libras

threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.

This was a song given to me by hostile friend Tin, who still thinks that I need to get away and actually leave for Dubai. Tell you what, I'll think about it, okay?

Invincible

I don't have nerves of steel
I have a heart that feels
I may have cried a million
tears but I wont drown
I let myself unfold
Gave you my hand to hold
You took me beyond where
I could see
And then you let go of me. .

Chorus:
I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible

I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Insaide of me
I must be invincible. . .
I dont have X-rays eyes
Don't have a heart so wise
How could I have known
you'd let me down
If I had known that then
my eyes are wide open
I still believe I would've missed it

Ahh. . . its a blessing and a curse
Ahh. . . But you find out just
what you've worth.

I was damaged by the fall
Got the wind knocked out of me
To be standing here at all
I must be invincible

I thought that I would break
But now I have come to see
Something strong and beautiful
Insaide of me
(I must be invincible x7)


Here's my personal favorite. I really feel this song was meant to haunt me and to never let me sleep at night (or in the early morning).

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, Tell you I’m sorry, You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you, Tell you I need you, Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, And ask me your questions, Aww let’s go back to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Comin’ our tails, Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin’, At numbers and figures, Pullin’ the puzzles apart

Questions of science, Science and progress, Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, Come back to haunt me, Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin’ in circles, [sounds like] Chasin’ our tails, Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start

Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo
Ahhooooooooooooooooo


Another break-up song of all time chronicles how two people can be together and never be right for each other. I think I've sat through beer-binge sessions with friends before listening to this song over and over again. Friends have listened to it, and now I am too...

Don't Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though you're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
Well, they can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die, both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who we are...
You and me I can see us dying...are we?

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts (no, no, no)
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't tell me cause it hurts!
I know what you're saying
So please stop explaining

Don't speak,
don't speak,
don't speak,
oh I know what you're thinking
And I don't need your reasons
I know you're good,
I know you're good,
I know you're real good
Oh, la la la la la la La la la la la la
Don't, Don't, uh-huh Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush
don't tell me tell me cause it hurts
Hush, hush darlin' Hush, hush darlin'
Hush, hush don't tell me tell me cause it hurts

Here's something I learned from my old mentor Bambi. Never underestimate the power of an American Idol!

Since You've Been Gone

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah, Yeah
Since you've been gone

You're dedicated,
You took the time
Wasn't long 'till I called you mine
Yeah, Yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you ever hear me say

But since you've been gone
I can't breathe for the first time
I suffered it all
Yeah Yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it?
You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah Yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I never hear you say,
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

But since you've been gone
I can't breathe for the first time
I suffered it all
Oh Yeah Yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get... I get what I want..(Since you've been gone)

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
again and again and again and again!


Since you've been gone (Since you've been gone)
I can't breathe for the first time
I sufered it all
Yeah Yeah
Thanks to you, (thanks to you)
Now I get..
I get what I want
for the first time,
I suffered it all
Yeah Yeah
Thanks to you, Thanks to you
Now I get (I get)
You should know, You should know
That I get
I get what I want...

Since You've Been Gone
Since You've Been Gone
Since You've Been Gone

This song is something incredibly special to me. It will be passed on for more Meg heartaches to come. And somehow, despite its haunting melody and its penchance for drama, it's still the best break-up song for me.

Do What You Have To Do

What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...

and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize

that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go

a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
and I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go
I don't know how to let you go

Nothing beats seeing Chris Rock use this song on one of his movies. Chris plays a DJ at an underground club in New York, and being just dumped, he decided to play this nasty song about losing the one.

All Out of Love

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know


Chorus:
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong


I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone


Chorus
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?

Another way to enjoy a good break up song is to dance to it. Never mind the funky lyrics or how badly you wanna believe it. Here's my choice pick. Enjoy!

Irreplaceable

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it nigga please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And It's my mine name that is on that Jag
So remove your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me
How I'm such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And call up on that chick and see if she is home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby you dropped them keys hurry up before your taxi leaves
Standing in the front yard telling me
How I am such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I will have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shead a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left

To the left
To the left

Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
matter fact he'll be be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
Don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

I've never been a huge Mariah fan. But when someone made me listen to this song the other day, it felt like all I wanted to do was actually breakdown and cry! Nicely done, Mariah! We're gonna see each other in our prozac-laced trips one of these days. Didn't know Tommy had that effect on you, did you?

Breakdown

Krayzie:

Break break down,
Steady breakin me on down, break break down,
Steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down,
Break break down, steady breakin me on down.

Mariah:

You called yesterday to basicallly say
That you care for me,
But that you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended
To be feeling similarly
And led you to believe it was o.k
To just walk away from the one thing
That's unyielding and sacred to me

Chorus:

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath a disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Mariah:

So what do you do
When somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride
And sing "I will survive"
Do you lash out and say "How dare you leave this way?"
Do you hold on in vain as they just slip away

Wish:

Yeah, c' mon, yeah, c' mon, c' mon

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the disguise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

Wish:

It'll break you down
only if you let it
Everday crazy situations rocking my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But I won't let it
Forget it ( forget it)

Krayzie:

I be feelin' like you bringing me down
Taking me around
stressin' me out
I think i better go and get out
And let me release some stress ( stress )

Wish:

Don't ever wanna feel no pain ( pain )
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain ( rain, rain, rain )
Lord, I just wanna maintain

Krayzie:

Yeah, I can feel pressures ya'll
But never the less
Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here ( here )

Well I guess I'm trying to be
Nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes to prove
I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I break down and cry

This is a slightly optimistic yet unbelievable gut-wrenching and heart-breaking song. Never mind the fact that you can actually hum it and think it's a song about friendship and you imagine girl scouts around a campfire singing it. Listen to the lyrics and you're bound to get it.

You're In Love

Open the door and come in
I'm so glad to see you my friend
Don't know how long it has been
Having those feelings again.

And now I see that you're so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

[Chorus:]
Aah, my love, Aah
You're in love
That's the way
It should be
'Cause I want you to be happy
You're in love
And I know
That you're not in love with me
Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love

Sometimes it's hard to believe
That you're never coming back to me
I've had this dream that you'd always be by my side
Oh I could have died.

But now I see that you're so happy
And ooh, it just sets me free.
And I'd like to see
Us as good of friends
As we used to be

[Chorus]

I tried to find you but you were so far away
I was praying that fate would bring you back to me
Someday, someday, someday... Ooh, you're in love

Ooh it's enough
For me to know
That you're in love
Now I'll let you go
'Cause I know
That you're in love

And as the fallen goes on to twisted, here's a song to dance to, to eat to, to mull over, to be in love with and eventually, will be the theme song of my less than perfect existence as of the moment.

Life Goes On

Life goes on, life goes on
Life goes on, life goes on

You sucked me in
And played my mind
Just like a toy
You were crank and wind

Baby I would give till you wore it out
You left me lyin' in a pool of doubt
And you're still thinkin' you're the Daddy Mac
You should've known better but you didn't
And I can't go back

Oh life goes on
And it's only gonna make me strong
It's a fact, once you get on board
Say good-bye cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me
And this feelin' that I can go back
Life goes on (repeat 2X)

Wish I knew then
What I know now
You held all the cards
And sold me out

Baby shame on you, if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should've known better but I didn't
And I can't go back

Oh life goes on
And it's only gonna make me strong
It's a fact, once you get on board
Say good-bye cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me
And this feelin' that I can go back


Na, na, na, na, na
Life goes on
Na, Na, Na, Na,
It made me strong
Oh yeah, got this feeling that I can't go back
Life goes on, life goes on, and on and on

Shame on you, if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should've known better but I didn't
And I can't go back

Oh life goes on
And it's only gonna make me strong
It's a fact, once you get on board
Say good-bye cause you can't go back
Oh it's a fight, and I really wanna get it right
Where I'm at, is my life before me
And this feelin' that I can't go back

Na, na, na, na, na
Life goes on
Na, Na, Na, Na
It made me strong

Oh yeah
Gotta feelin' that I can't go back
No I can't go back
Oh yeah
I've gotta go now
I'm moving on
No turning back
Cause you made me strong
Oh yeah
Gotta feelin' that I can't go back...


Knowing all that you know about break-ups, ain't it just sick? I mean, you actually feel that this person will move on without you! Find a wife, marry some great chick and you will be left with nothing but digital pictures of you and him, supposedly in love. You know that someday, this man will be someone else's star and you will be left in black.

Black

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I'll be...
Yeah
Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine
(not sure?)
mm-hmm no yeah no
mm mmmm no nonono yeah yeah
we-
we belong
we belong together
together
oooh ooh
we-
we belong
we belong together
oh yeah


You can also try to be sappy and beg for someone to come back. I think that's what the Counting Crows had in mind when they made this song.

The Ghost in You

A man in my shoes runs a light
All the papers lie tonight
But falling over you
Is the news of the day

Angels fall like rain
And love, is all of heaven way
Inside you the time moves and she dont fade
The ghost in you she dont fade away

The race is on, Im on your side
But hearing you my engines died
Im in the mood for you
Or for running away

All the stars come down in you
But love, love, love you cant give it away
Inside you the time moves and she dont fade
The ghost in you she dont fade
Inside you the time moves and she dont fade away
Dont you know she dont fade

Dont you go it makes no sense
And all these talking supermen
Just take away the time just to get it away
Aint it just like the rain
Cause love, love, love, love is only heaven away
Inside you the time moves and she dont fade
The ghost in you she dont fade away

Inside you the time moves and she dont fade away
The ghost in you she dont fade

A man in my shoes runs a light
But all the papers lie tonight
Falling over you is the news of the day
And love will not fade away
And love love love will not fade away

Finally, when you want to let go and you just can't seem to figure out why the hell the man you love can be so mean and inconsiderate and would deliberately leave you hanging in mid-air, here's a surefire way to perk you up.

On My Own

I'm wiser now
I'm not the foolish girl you used to know
So long ago
I'm stronger now
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go
And I should know
I put myself aside to do it your way
But now I need to do it all alone

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'll keep it real you know
Time for me to do it on my own
Yeah yeah, mmm, yeah yeah

It's over now
I can't go back to living through your eyes
Too many lines
And if you don't know by now
I can't go back to being someone else
Not anymore
I never had a chance to do things my way
So now it's time for me to take control

And I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
Time for me to do it

Oh I start again go back to one
I'm running things my way
Can't stop me now, I've just begun
Don't even think about it
There ain't no way about it
I'm taking names, the ones of mine
Yes I'm gonna take my turn
It's time for me to finally stand alone, stand alone

I am not afraid to try it on my own
And I don't care if I'm right or wrong
I'll live my life the way I feel
No matter what I'm gonna keep it real you know
It's time for me to do it
See I'm not afraid


So there's my soundtrack. To everyone who's ever been heartbroken, misery loves company, but it loves a good break up song more. And to everyone who's happy right now and thinks that the world will cease to end without the people they hold near and dear to them - bite me!

things i realized today

here i am again. i'm sorry, my weblog, if i haven't been really friendly to you lately. i've been busy. i've been more than busy... i've been going through things that need to be gone through by a normal human being.

here are some of the things i realized today:
1. it's freaky to ride a cab in the middle of edsa at 4 in the morning. yes, i have been going home at around 4 in the morning. and i have been crazily affected with this shift change. the earlier shift is wreaking havoc with my shot circadian rhythm. i haven't been able to sleep for days now. the funny thing is i just got some commendations from the quality assurance department. i told my manager about my situation. she has been so willing to help. i think i'll take a stab at the 4PM - 1AM shift she has been offering me for days. i think that should take care of my inability to sleep. i think it's the heat that has been driving my ass crazy. yes, the a/c doesn't work! i've been sleeping in my a/c'd room for days, well, trying to. but haven't been able to do anything about that.
2. men do grow on trees. i just realized that there are tons of men out there. men who are desperate to get in your pants, that is! girls, if you have a good man, latch on to that dude, cos the world is full of vile, notorious men who just wanna get into your pants!
3. being single is costlier than being married or being in a relationship. i remember paying for phone bills that amount to almost 70% of my salary. but now that i am single and in need of friends to go out with and things to do, god my credit card bills have skyrocketed and my cash has been on a limited supply. things i plan to do this june: enroll in a masteral program. it's great to touch base with academia again. maybe, i'll even get a teaching job, since i now have a lot of time. i am quitting the stylilng thing altogether. it's hard to be caught in a world of beauty and fashion when you feel so unfabulous. apart from that, styling and doing make up has been taking a toll on me. it's definitely unglamorous as compared to what people think. apart from that, i hate being on call every weekend. from now on, every weekend for me is my date with a good book, a nice cup of warm earl grey tea and a great HBO movie. an occasional date with friends won't be so bad either. i may want to drive again. i am thinking of taking refresher courses. i mean, if i have to go home at one in the morning, i better be able to frigging drive myself.
4. it's going to hurt like hell for the next few months, maybe even years. but it will get better eventually. but maybe, i'll never stop asking God why.
5. you are the only one who can make it better. if no one comes along to save me, then i'll learn to save myself.
6. there's only three things in life that are great with break-ups: a friend that is strong enough to have gone through every kind of break-up possible but hostile enough to tell you how stupid you have been for expecting him to come back and sweep you off your feet, a great phone line for when the need arises to talk with your friends, and a huge bottle of vitamin C. (yes, i look like i just woke up from an 8-hour sleep!)
7. watching trash TV (think noontime entertainment shows, afternoon soaps) is actually mind-numbing! no wonder people really tune-in to them! it actually freezes your thoughts and you're left with no thoughts, no recollections and no memories, at least for the hour or hour-and-a-half duration of these shows. i say, when you have a huge problem, heartache or whatnot, go ahead and just flip those channels, baby!
8. losing sleep is not going to kill you, finding ways to sleep will! haha! kidding on this one. but seriously! call center agents have been dealing with this for years on end. i am beginning to wonder how much more of non-sleep can i handle. nonetheless, do not fret. i have been meditating. so far, i haven't collapsed or anything. in fact, i feel vaguely refreshed and warm. weird. maybe the vitamin really helps!
9. never listen to sappy songs when you are alone. it makes you feel judged, unvalued and unloved. listen to songs that are great when you are alone, something you can dance to or even songs that can help you move on. my theme song for the day: the nescafe theme from bamboo... it ends with "one good day coming up..."
10. finally, when all else fails, cry. it's ok to be sad for the rest of your life, but you never have to be bitter about anything.

happiness

so my hunny is here. i am as usual, a bit scared, a bit nervous, a bit rattled but more so, very happy that he's finally here. he's not staying for good. he's just here for a few days. i know... just a few days? well, i don't mind. as long as i can make him happy for a few days, that's all that really matters to me at this point.

last night, i closed my eyes to a bright night, with a silvery moon and some stars. nope, i wasn't camping out. i opened my window to see the moon shining so brightly. all i could do right now is wish that everything will be alright. he wouldn't think i'm a fugly biatch, or that i'm some weird psycotic looney case, or that i'm some weird she-devil brought out by the devil to torture him.


the other night, he had dinner with my parents for the first time. my parents were so funny! they made him laugh the whole night. he seemed so tense and nervous the first few minutes, well... amidst the nervous laughter, i'm glad my parents liked him. there seems to be a little connection there and i want to foster that.

i'm going to sound really weird, but i don't want to submerge myself in complete bliss. why, you ask? because it's always been my experience that if i am happy in one moment, something comes crashing in the next sequence of events. i'm kind of half-expecting an ex-girlfriend that will throw a gallon of acid to my face just to disfigure my already fugly mug, a friend who's totally against me, his family warning him that they'll disown him if he continues to see me, or just a plain "i fell out of love with you when i woke up this morning". i mean, i know things like what i mentioned are only seen in the movies, but hey, it could happen to me.

what i'm praying for is just a little bit of happiness. just a little glimmer of hope with the man i love. i'm begging all the elements of this universe to just fall into place. just this once, for me? please? i want to be completely happy. i want to experience happiness without any repercussions or consequences. i want to feel as if i deserve some happiness too. and he's the only one who can do that for me.

Why Do Men Cheat

Why Men Cheat
Blog Posted by David Zinczenko
on Thu, Nov 30, 2006, 10:34 am PST
Men's Health Magazine
Yahoo Health

Of course, we all know that while men and women are both capable of cheating, it's often the guys who have the biggest problem keeping their belts firmly buckled. And we all know that no matter who it's with, why it's done, or where the after-hours canoodling takes place, cheating is-most of the time-the ultimate relationship death sentence. But instead of dwelling on what happens after the cheating takes place, one of the ways to perhaps prevent infidelity is by knowing a little bit about why men stray. I'm not offering them as excuses, merely explanations as to what happens in that brain (and other body parts) of his-in hopes that you might be able to prevent it. Here, the top reasons why men cheat:

To Fulfill His Biology: You know the old anthropological tale. A man's main job, besides killing the saber-tooth, is to spread his seed in order to ensure the survival of his genetic legacy. It's a man's biology to want to wander. Does that mean he should, or that he can't help it? Of course not. But it does mean that a man is going to have strong-extremely strong-biological urges to knock on the doors of neighboring huts. I have had this argument/discussion/conversation with dozens of men and women: Are men predestined to cheat? My answer is no, they're not-despite their biology. But often times, they do have to fight it. Especially after a pitcher and two shots of Jack.

To Get the Attention: News flash: Sure, some guys cheat because, well, maybe the sexual frequency has slowed a bit, and maybe hot-and-heavy happens at home about as often as Rob Schneider gets nominated for an Oscar. But the truth is that plenty of men who are having regular sex with their partner are also having sex with someone else. Why? Because cheating isn't just about the sex. Just as a woman who cheats may be seeking more affection than what she's getting at home, a man often cheats because he's seeking the attention that he no longer gets at home. Part of the allure of the mysterious woman isn't just to find out what she looks like naked; it's that the woman showers the man with flirtations, with seduction, with advances that make him feel like he's worthy of more than just fixing dents in the drywall.

To Get Out: I know lots of guys who simply don't have the strength to end it. They may try ("I'm just not happy"), or they may take other tactics to drive a woman away. A lot of guys simply have trouble breaking off relationships because they don't want to be perceived as that bad guy, the jerk, the insensitive lout who ended something good. So they tiptoe around the issue in hopes that she'll get so frustrated that she'll back out first. Well, if that doesn't work, then a man knows that the only way out is to commit the relationship sin that drives a woman away for good. It's not right, but it's what happens.

To Change Up His Play List: Think about what's on your iPod. You have your favorite songs you play over and over, but every once in a while, you're in the mood to hear something you haven't played in a long time. You don't need to hear it but once every month or so, but still, you appreciate the changeup. Relationships need to be like good iPods lists. You're comfortable with your routine and you like your routine, but it's always nice to change things up. What men really want in relationships (and what I suspect women also want) is to be able to take comfort in the routine of a long-term commitment, as long as there are some surprises that make it feel like a new relationship every once in a while. In order to keep the relationship strong, you've got to change the songs every once in a while. That goes for in the bedroom and out.

Source: Yahoo

This is an article I saw. Pretty darn good one too. But if you ask me why men cheat...I think it's because they're not aware that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

rocky road.. mmmmm

You Are Rocky Road Ice Cream

Unpredictable and wild, you know how to have fun. You're also a trendsetter who takes risks with new things. You know about the latest and greatest - and may have invented it! You are most compatible with vanilla ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

so i like all kinds of music?! weird!

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence 90's Pop: Highest Influence 90's R&B: Highest Influence 90's Rock: Highest Influence R&B: Highest Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

fortunate! Ü

You Are a Fortune Cookie

You're a rather normal person, except that you have extraordinary luck in life. People want to be around you (even when they're a little sick of you), in hopes of being lucky too!

What Kind of Cookie Are You?

margarita

You Are a Strawberry Margarita

You're so sweet it's a little overwhelming, and people are a little afraid of corrupting you... It's a little difficult to imagine you with a margarita. And you're truly a different person after you've kicked back a couple!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

and i thought i was a kitten...

You Are a Boston Terrier Puppy

Aggressive, wild, and rambunctious. Deep down, you're just a cuddle monster.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

jeoff, this one's for you!!!!

Your Birthdate: August 1

You don't just believe in love at first site - you've experienced it. You develop crushes pretty easily, but keeping your interest is another matter! You are very prone to love - hate relationships. Number of True Loves You'll Have: 2 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 4 You are most compatible with people born on the 1st, 10th, 19th, and 28th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

an article I read

Here are 12 scientifically proven ways to increase your chances of finding the perfect partner. (Yes, academics actually get paid to research interpersonal attraction, as psychologists rather drearily dub this thing called love.) These findings dispel many clichés beloved of romantic fiction – from opposites attracting to absence making the heart grow fonder – while confirming others.

1 Like Seeks Like
Look for someone as much like you as possible, because chances are, he or she is looking for you too. We prefer mates with similar backgrounds, interests, values and beliefs because they validate our own. We even gravitate towards people who look like us. Eminent scientist Sir Francis Galton drew attention to this phenomenon a century ago, and since then it has been confirmed by numerous studies on the resemblances between spouses.

2 Declare Your Desire
Ditch the strong and silent act because a major turn-on, according to social psychologist Dr Arthur Aron, is the simple realisation that someone fancies you. It makes you feel good about yourself, which, in turn, overflows into feeling good about them. We warm to those who flatter and are nice to us, which is why the stereotypical Byronic hero trading barbs with his love interest (until near the end when they eventually melt into one another's arms) is a romantic cliché that does not bear close examination.

3 The Eyes Have It
On one point, however, the bodice rippers are right: there can be such a thing as love at first sight. It's been shown that the longer a pair of prospective partners lock eyes upon meeting, the more they like what they see. It helps if you have dilated pupils because these are the single most attractive physical attribute, according to research conducted by the late Eckhard Hess, who was a professor at the University of Chicago's psychology department. He found that subjects shown two pictures of a member of the opposite sex – identical save for pupil size – were twice as likely to pick the larger-pupils photo as the more attractive, even when they could not spot the difference. Enlarged pupils signal intense arousal.

4 Body Language
Run out of sweet nothings to say? Fall back on body language, a form of non-verbal communication understood by both sexes. The most obvious – and effective – overture is simply staring at the prospective partner and smiling; then there are ''preening'' gestures, such as playing with your hair.

According to Allan Pease, author of The Definitive Guide to Body Language, what really turns men on is female ''submission'' gestures, which include exposing vulnerable areas such as the wrists or neck, as well as the leg twine (the manoeuvre at which Princess Diana, that premier flirt, excelled: it involves crossing the legs and hooking the upper leg's foot behind the lower leg's ankle).

Men typically make themselves look more dominant by taking up space and engaging in ''crotch display'' – thumbs hooked in pockets, fingers ''pointing'' at the genitals (worked for Michael Jackson . . . for a while, anyway).

5 Be Beautiful
Ignore everything your mum told you about inner beauty – good-looking people are almost universally viewed as smarter, sexier and more successful than their homelier counterparts.

According to evolutionary social theorists, we value those attributes that improve the chances of successful reproduction, which is why men prefer younger women with long, shiny hair and hip measurements a third larger than their waists (all markers of youth, health and fertility), while women prefer taller, older men because they're most likely to have the most resources to invest in offspring.

6 Home Is Where It's At
Forget about long-distance romances: proximity rules. Being situated close to your potential love object – whether at the next desk or in the next street – ensures repeated exposure, beneficial because the more we see someone, the more we like them (unless we strongly disliked them at first exposure, in which case the opposite is true). That's why we so often end up with workmates or the boy/girl next door.

7 Avoid Comparisons
All that said, it seems that we gauge prospective partners against the prevailing norms, if the findings of Sara Gutierres and Douglas Kenrick of Arizona State University's psychology department are to be believed. The researchers asked men to rate their dates' looks after viewing Playboy centrefolds or watching a TV show with pretty female stars. You guessed it: the dates rated worse after the show or centrefolds than before.

This demonstrates a phenomenon called the contrast effect, whereby our perception of relative differences is distorted according to the order in which things are viewed. For example, if you look at a dark object after a light one, it will appear much darker than if you'd looked at it first or by itself.

8 Love at First Fright
In the 1994 film Speed, Sandra Bullock tells Keanu Reeves, ''I've heard relationships based upon intense experiences never work out,'' to which he replies, ''We'll have to base ours on sex, then.''
The truth lies somewhere in between. The more aroused we are in the presence of a potential partner, the more attractive we're likely to find them, as psychologists Cindy Meston and Penny Frohlich, of the University of Texas, found when they asked subjects to rate members of the opposite sex before and after riding on roller coasters. This effect – known as excitation transfer – is a misattribution of arousal; regardless of the cause of our thumping heart, if we ascribe it to the person we're with, we feel attracted to her or him.

9 Naming Game
Dr Albert Mehrabian of the University of California's psychology department has discovered that many names – such as Darcy, Roxanne or Bertha – are linked with negative attributes. And if you share a first name with a well-known person, you're considered to share their traits – bad news for people called Adolf, Homer or Saddam.

10 Beer Goggles
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker, as poet Ogden Nash once said. Studies have shown that single people seeking partners in pubs are less choosy closer to closing time, a finding dubbed ''the beer-goggles effect.''

It was identified by Professor Jamie Pennebaker of the University of Texas, who decided to test the premise of a song whose lyrics claimed ''girls get prettier at closing time.'' He asked bar patrons to rate potential partners three times over an evening (at 9 pm, 10.30 pm and midnight) and yes, both sexes looked best at midnight. This doesn't mean you're too drunk to notice someone has two heads; just that as the time available to find a mate runs out, whoever's still around starts to look good.

11 Keep Them Happy
The better we feel, the more we like whomever we're with, so if your date isn't in a good mood, cheer them up fast or you haven't a hope. This doesn't mean you must be directly responsible for engendering the desired positive emotion; simply being in the vicinity while they're experiencing it will imbue you with an associated glow. This is why you should be very selective of the venue where you meet or take your date. And avoid taking them to stressful places. The resulting anxiety will be forever associated with you.

12 Choose Your Words
The gender differences mentioned above are reflected in the wording of personal ads. Research shows that ads placed by women emphasise their appearance, those by men their resources; and that the older a woman admits to being the fewer replies she'll receive, while the opposite applies to men.

However, it should be some consolation for all those Plain Janes and
penniless men out there to know that there is one word that's always worth including in any personal ad: ''warm.'' People who are described as warm are believed to be happy, sociable, wise and popular.

Put It All Together
So here's the bottom line: If you really want to score a perfect partner, take your date bungy-jumping or sky diving to ensure they are well aroused, catch a movie featuring lots of ugly actors, then finish the evening in a dimly lit bar. Even if the beer-goggles effect doesn't kick in, the darkness should dilate your pupils and enhance your chances.


The Science of Love
Find, fall and stay in love. Your ultimate guide to relationships!
Megan Gressor February 2007
http://www.readersdigest.com.ph/rd/rdhtml/en/magazine/mag_fullcontent.jsp?cid=3317&p=4

do i matter?

in this life, sometimes you have to ask... do i matter in this universe?

god answered that for me.

i think i do.

so do you.

jeoff again...

try natin si jeoff... Ü

i'm so damned addicted to this..

let me try again...

http://www.myheritage.com

the long way to recovery

thank god for small favors.

shandy was having difficulty with her teeth last thursday, so i took it upon myself to see to it that she gets herself checked. we were dropped off by zoey at med city, in ortigas, to look for a dentist. shandy was in pain... and i accompanied her, not knowing that i would need medical assistance myself.

i was just asking about their allergy specialist when they told me that they had an emergency consultant. now, my momma told me never to go near the emergency room unless it was a real emergency--note: life and death situations. i kind of gave up and thought, oh well, there's always the weekend. and truth be told, i only had a couple of thousand bucks with me then. not enough for a consultation with a specialist.

as shandy went into the observation room, i started to panic because i was having difficulty breathing already. i kept thinking, maybe it was just because of going up the long stairway to the second floor. maybe i was tired. maybe i drank too much coffee. but none of those ever affected me before. i take the train home. i take long flights! i do drink a lot of coffee and i'm always tired. i sent an sms to shandy that i will be in the emergency room if she needed me.

the doctor had his mask on. he was thinking that i had measles. well, turns out that i was having a severe hypersensitivity reaction (read: allergy). oh man! what i wouldn't give to have an ice bath at that time. i was so darned itchy and the only relief i had was scratching intensely! he said that he needed to inject me with a serum to decrease the swelling. i agreed. after signing a few forms, the nurse injected me with something called dipenhydramine. ethanolamine-antihistaminergic. in short, i was gonna be sedated, crazy and less itchy.

i loved the idea. it was actually fun to be sedated. but not entirely cos i had to miss work. i felt really bad cos of that. the reason why i was so lethargic all along was because of the allergy attack i was having. it was great that shandy had to have her tooth pulled or else, i would have wound up short of breath in the train and no one could have helped me. i asked my mom to pick me up from the hospital. man were we drained! well, i was... she was just plain happy that she had an excuse not to go to work, i guess.

Celeb Look Alikes

just to cheer myself up, because i look horrible and lobster-like...

i am..

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

what kind of romantic are you?!

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

friendships!

You Are A Good Friend

You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"!

What Kind of Friend Are You?

yikes!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is high. You find it easy to be devoted and loyal to one person. And in return, you expect the same from who you love. Any sign of straying, and you'll end things. Experience Level: Your experience level is medium. You probably have had a couple significant loves. And you may have even had your heart broken. But you haven't really dated a wide variety of people. Dominance: Your dominance is high. It's your way or the highway when it comes to love. You like to be very involved in your sweetie's life. No question, you like to be the one calling the shots. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium. You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love... But you've definitely been burned enough to know better. You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is medium. In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time." You usually find it easy to be part of a couple. But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

female!

Your Brain is 73% Female, 27% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

i'm a girl!

You Are 20% Boyish and 80% Girlish

Even if you're not a girl, you're very feminine. You're in touch with your feelings, and your heart rules you. A bit of a emotional roller coaster, one moment you're up and the next you're down. But no matter what, you try to be as cute and perky as possible.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

bathing with calamine

i am still itchy and it sucks big time. i hate being on allergy medications because i feel really sluggish.

after bathing with calamine today, i have to slather loads of calamine all over my body again. the good thing is that my body (think trunk - chest, tummy, down there) was not affected by it. what was affected was my face, shoulders, arm, thighs and legs. the worst area are my legs. i don't know why god never gives me one perfect moment to hold on to...

god, if you're listening... i'm not asking to be beautiful. just please stop the redness and the itchiness and the crazy disgusting feeling of being bitten by a million small ants. even my hands and soles are itchy! who likes having allergies? i don't!

oh man!

i have never been this itchy before. apart from my really disgusting skin now, i feel so itchy all over. i've cut my nails to a point where i can't see them anymore due to this allergy that i got. i hate it...

let's see, what did i eat anyhow?
i ate this bread with asado and adobo on it. i tasted MSG (monosodium glatamate) and it was baaadd! how was i supposed to know that it had MSG on it? oh gawd! with only a few days until my hunny comes home, how can i face him with this fugly face? i think will be really disgusted with the way i look. i am disgusted. i am an ugly, disfigured, fat blob that lost weight only to gain it thanks to the cortisol everyone has been injecting on me.

tomorrow, i will go to an allergologist (read: allergology specialist) and beg for a cure that will take this off completely. i am so itchy and red, it might take months for this to heal... and i wish i can get someone to help me, but i have very little options for the moment.

i am thankful that i have a really understanding training manager. at least zoey has been nice. i don't know about the rest of the people. shandy's been prescribing some weird medication with antihistamines. oh boy! i wish this could really stop...

pink is the new orange!

Your Nail Polish Color is Pink

How you're unique: You're girly without being high maintenance Why your style rocks: You're the perfect blend of stylish, preppy, and cute What this color says about you: "I am secure enough not to follow every trend"

What Color Nail Polish Best Fits You?

celeb-star style

Your Celebrity Style Twin is Kirsten Dunst

More hippie chic than hippie chick.

Who's Your Celebrity Style Twin?

style-star!

You Are Most Like Liv Tyler

“I don't want to spend so much time obsessing about myself.”

What Modern Bombshell Are You Most Like?

i'm it!

You Are an "It Girl"

You're outgoing, friendly, and charismatic. You are aware of your image, and you are constantly improving yourself. You're definitely the type of girl people love to be around!

Are You An "It Girl"?

learned?

You Are a Good Student of Men

You're pretty good at knowing what men are thinking But you're not dead on 100% of the time Let your guy off the hook sometimes... because you may be reading him all wrong!

How Well Do You Understand Men?

the princess...

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

perfection...

Your Life is 85% Perfect

You truly have the perfect life. And you probably feel like the luckiest person in the world. You have a great career, family, and personal life. You have it going on!

How Perfect is Your Life?

five factors of my personality

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

sarcasm and wit

You're Totally Sarcastic

You sarcastic? Never! You're as sweet as a baby bunny. Seriously, though, you have a sharp tongue - and you aren't afraid to use it. And if people are too wimpy to deal with your attitutde, then too bad. So sad.

How Sarcastic Are You?

in 1981

In 1981 (the year you were born)

Ronald Reagan becomes president of the US Minutes after Ronald Reagan becomes president, Iran releases 52 American hostages that had been held captive for 444 days President Reagan is shot in the chest by would be assassin John Hinkley Space shuttle Columbia, the world's first reusable spacecraft, is sent into space A suspended walkway in the Kansas City Hyatt Regency Hotel collapses, killing 113 A female former lover files a "palimony" suit against tennis star Billie Jean King President Reagan appoints Sandra Day O'Connor to be the first woman on the Supreme Court The Pac-Man video game is introduced in the US Alicia Keys, Elijah Wood, Kelly Rowland, Anna Kournikova, and Britney Spears are born Los Angeles Dodgers win the World Series Oakland Raiders win Superbowl XV New York Islanders win the Stanley Cup Raiders of the Lost Ark is the top grossing film "Bette Davis Eyes" by Kim Carnes spends the most time at the top of the US charts MTV debuts on cable television, playing music videos 24 hours a day Gimme a Break premieres

What Happened the Year You Were Born?

clingy bees!

You May Be a Bit Dependent...

You're more than a little preoccupied with being abandoned. You need a lot of support in your life, at all times. It's difficult for you to survive on your own... And you don't reallly think you ever could.

What Personality Disorder Are You?

mild and not wild...?

You Are More Mild Than Wild

You're confident, and you really aren't concerned with how "hot" you are. Other people's ideas of what's sexy don't concern you. And this is exactly what makes you attractive.

Are You Hot?

my love type

Your Love Type: INFP

The Idealist In love, you crave a long term, harmonious relationship. For you, sex doesn't come quickly - it takes time for you to open up. Overall, you are supportive, nurturing, and expressive. However, you tend to be shy and protective of your personal space. Best matches: ENFJ and ESFJ

What's Your Love Type?

addicted to life...

You Are 55% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it? Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships. Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

Are You Addicted to Love?

consumed

i am still sad.
i feel so alone and shamed and all talked out that when i am asked why i'm sad, i come up with no reason good enough to tell anyone.
sunday night, i drank a bottle of light beer and got drunk. yes, i haven't been drinking lately. but i guess a good bottle of beer plus a platter full of rigatoni was just enough to keep me buzzed. i passed out on the living room... my bag lying on top of me when i awoke the next day. my head was pounding so hard...
i am about ready to consult a psychiatrist. i think this maybe the quarter life crisis. i feel insecure and disposable all the time. perhaps it is this sad, crazy existence that allows me to explore the true depth of my hidden sorrow. maybe it's the routine. maybe it's the fact that i have nothing to come home to but an empty bed and the sound of my cellphone waking me up every morning. maybe i want to have children and i hear my biological clock going haywire.
one proof that i'm consumed is that i don't even fix my hair anymore when i go to work. i run my fingers through my hair, never mind what the hell i'm wearing and just go to work as is.
it's sad, i know but i have never really let the sorrow take me down. i am cordial and i'm still as bubbly as ever.
for now, i am tired, i feel misused and left alone. no one can explain why. maybe i am organically depressed. who knows, right? nonetheless, i am still fighting everyday to keep my sanity intact. if this is ennui, it's taking longer than i think it should take me, and that doesn't sit well with me...

talentado ako!

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words. You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel. People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation. When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

and my students say i sound canadian, eh?

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

20% Yankee

10% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

i'm no kitty...

You are 80% Leo

How Leo Are You?

hmn, apparently....

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more relaxed, calm, and composed. With respect to money, you are a bit stingy. You think good luck will definitely be yours, someday. The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort. You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

i always thought i was a bit geeky...

Your Geek Profile:

Academic Geekiness: Moderate Fashion Geekiness: Moderate Music Geekiness: Moderate SciFi Geekiness: Moderate General Geekiness: Low Internet Geekiness: Low Movie Geekiness: Low Gamer Geekiness: None Geekiness in Love: None

How Geeky Are You?

sadness

i'm sad today. don't ask me why, it's just a general feeling of sadness. i am a bit depressed. i know it seems silly, feeling this way when there's nothing to feel sad about. i guess that's why journals were always there to begin with... to record and recap what happened in your life and for you to learn from it.

i forbade myself to cheer myself up today. i woke up feeling all the damned injustice done to me today, intentional or unintentional, felt or forgotten. it is just one of those days to reflect and to casually go through the motion of being me.

so, as i was casually surfing, i realized that a lot of people were depressed too. sites dedicated to singles and lonely people were all over the net. i couldn't believe how many people would choose to spend their hard-earned money only to have a moment of superficial closeness with someone they hardly even know.

it kills me to know that in the wink of an eye, i could be gone any second and i haven't done anything special with my life. death has never really bothered me before, but i remember being told by an ispiritista when i was growing up that i'll die on my 27th birthday. pretty cool guess. i'll be turning 26 this year. guess that leaves me one more year to enjoy life then. this is the same ispiritista who told me that i will get pregnant by the time i was 18. unintentional harm. he just needed some money.

i got pissed off at the cab driver that took me to eastwood. he claims his carbarn time was approaching soon, hence he can't take me to eastwood. eastwood is a 15-minute drive from cubao, where i was at that time. i immediately told him that i'll add more money, if he'd take me to eastwood. he jumped at the offer and said "P120, mam, ha? traffic eh." it was a bit true. now, my fare that is usually P80 has jumped up to P120. pretty steep huh? i was too tired, too depressed and too desperate to argue. i said fine and boarded the cab. we coursed through my shortcut, and got to eastwood in 10 minutes. he said "mam, thanks sa shortcut ha?" and sped off with my P120 and my supposedly wonderful navigating skills. intentional harm. he needed some money and some navigational know-how.

i am sitting in my desk now, mildly bored and uninterested with work. i am done with the reports and i think my students are just fascinated at how non-interactive i can be when they know that i have a comment for anything. guess my wit doesn't hold a candle to this ennui.

i know i'll be okay in a few hours or maybe days. just give me some time to change my perspective. i'm 25 now, do you think this is the quarter life crisis that people have been telling me about? maybe, but i'd like to think that i have gone through that when i left my company of 3 years. it just really feels like no one i know really and truly understands what i am about and what i am capable of doing, and that i am merely judged by results and feedback.

i am assured that in life, you play roles. let me be the whiner for now. selfish, but maybe i deserve to think of myself once in a while.

before i end, let me share with you something i saw:
"Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” this is a quote from henry wadsworth longfellow.

Meez