The Triangle Theory of Love

I had a perfectly good discussion with one if my learners regarding "the perfect soulmate". I kind of gathered that something perfect doesn't really manifest itself as perfect, does it?



It kind of reminds me of a theory I once played with...



It was a theory I learned from Romi who was my former boss, three jobs ago. Wow, has it been that long?! She explained it to me briefly during one of our long and winded bitch brews.

According to The Triangle Theory of Love, love exists in different intensities, different forms and in different aspects depending on what component was satisfied.

The components were defined as the following:

1. Intimacy
2. Passion
3. Commitment

The intensities are as follows:

1. Nonlove is the absence of all three of Sternberg's components of love.

2. Liking in this case is not used in a trivial sense. Sternberg says that this intimate liking characterizes true friendships, in which a person feels a bondedness, a warmth, and a closeness with another but not intense passion or long-term commitment.

3. Infatuated love is often what is felt as "love at first sight". But without the intimacy and the commitment components of love, infatuated love may disappear suddenly.

4. Empty love: Sometimes, a stronger love deteriorates into empty love, in which the commitment remains, but the intimacy and passion have died. In cultures in which arranged marriages are common, relationships often begin as empty love and develop into one of the other forms with the passing of time.

5. Romantic love: Romantic lovers are bonded emotionally (as in liking) and physically through passionate arousal.

6. Companionate love is often found in marriages in which the passion has gone out of the relationship, but a deep affection and commitment remain. Companionate love is generally a personal relation you build with somebody you share your life with, but with no sexual or physical desire. It is stronger than friendship because of the extra element of commitment. The love ideally shared between family members is a form of companionate love, as is the love between deep friends or those who spend a lot of time together in any asexual but friendly relationship.

7. Fatuous love can be exemplified by a whirlwind courtship and marriage in which a commitment is motivated largely by passion, without the stabilizing influence of intimacy.

8. Consummate love is the complete form of love, representing the ideal relationship toward which many people strive. Sternberg cautions that maintaining a consummate love may be even harder than achieving it. He stresses the importance of translating the components of love into action. "Without expression," he warns, "even the greatest of loves can die" (1987, p.341). Consummate love may not be permanent. For example, if passion is lost over time, it may change into companionate love.

-Wikipedia

Supposedly, for friends, it's mainly intimacy, for lovers, it's intimacy and passion and for someone to strike all aspects of this, it's consummate love.

There is so much to learn from this theory. Supposedly, when you develop all three aspects of a relationship, you can expect a touch of friendship, a tinge of lust and honest commitment.

Ironically, there's not much challenge to keep love alive. If you want every part of love to be real, you need to work on liking the person, commitment should always be kept alive, but is not the only thing that you focus on, as well as make sure that your desire for each other never fade away.

When you think about it, it almost seems impossible to have this kind of relationship. It doesn't box you in but should liberate you, nurture you and feed your soul. It should make you whole and never attempt to objectify you.

I want to strive for this love. I even remember, talking to the man of my dreams, that I would have switches. I would sometimes tell him, no this is Meg, your friend, not Meg, your girlfriend, if it would let up on the stress especially if he needs to say something. Of course it's not something that can easily be switched. It's not an automatic judgment off button that stops you from feeling hurt before it even begins because something was mentioned as a "friend" and not as a significant other. I just like the fact that we both really seem to like each other and have a strong affinity towards each other. Even at present, if I hadn't met him at all before, I really feel like I'd gravitate towards him and not towards anyone else.

Well, simplified triangle theory of love...a third of the love you feel for your best friend, a third of the lust that you feel for the most amazing celebrity you've ever crushed on and a third of the feeling that you want to end up with this person for the rest of your life... That's perfect love.