In My Head

Yup, this is my life. It's a myriad of parties, crazy and amazing nights out with friends and drinking sessions after work at this Mom and Pop place called "Whistlestop". I can say, I should be the envy of everyone I know. I personally think I drink too much, apparently, I can hold my alcohol anyhow. I haven't done anything stupid or crazy or God-forbid life-altering. I think hitting the right combination of slightly sleepy enough to not cry when I get home,  happy enough to enjoy any silly dare and sober enough to get home is a skill. Good thing I always hit it at 3 drinks. At the end of 3 drinks of mojito, or premium beer, I can head home, not cry and want to get enough sleep and yet, enjoy the company of the usual suspects I drink with. 

Ivan and Iris are two of my closest pals right now, prolly cos of the August connection. I don't know. 

Because of Ivan, I've learned to let things go slowly. I feel happier somehow... I think he makes me realize that tomorrow is always better cos I've never seen anyone so carefree yet so responsible at the same time. (Is that hard to imagine?!) I see myself in him somehow. He loves to have fun, go party on the weekends, have drinks after shift, take pics, watch movies. That used to be me! I used to want to have fun and my weekends used to be filled with so much wondrous events. 

Iris is a spitfire. She has a thing for several guys in the office and she flirts with them openly. It's so funny how she can get a guy super red in the face. Last 29th, she had a dare from her best friend, Cucci to neck with Ivan. It looks like they totally enjoyed themselves. Lolz. She even kissed Ivan on the dance floor. The only dare I was willing to do after a tall glass of Strawberry martini was to dance with Ivan in a seductive way. I just unbuttoned his shirt and pretended to straddle him but other than that, I wasn't in the mood to lick, neck or kiss anyone. I kind of wanted to get home and remove my curly hair wig, lolz. 

Iris' birthday bash @The Fort Piazza

So yup, they seemed like they had fun. I'm still trying to rest from my party the other night, at Icon. It was so weird seeing the Intercon for the first time since I was almost about to get married there. I saw the pool, the cute resto that I wanted to try, where I was supposed to get a complimentary breakfast as part of the honeymoon suite that I will get for my wedding. It was so odd, and yet I felt a peace that I can't explain. This was the last step to truly getting over someone - the might have beens. The next step would be to be able to name him again on this blog and maybe to truly delete all the bad memories I have ever had, be more forgiving and be less pointed about what could be and what will be. 

Iris, Candy, Russ and Me... @Icon

I totally love my friends cos they're with me at any point. It makes me miss my married friends, but well, what are you to do? You don't like the same things anymore and well, sometimes, vices are the only things that hold you to someone. At least Ivan and Iris wouldn't reprimand me if I slept around, lolz, not that I do... 

I miss my friends. I miss Irish and Cym and Chloe, somehow, I know they miss me too. I was really tight with them when I had Jeoff, maybe because for some reason, I felt like I was going to have that kind of life... you know, young wife, about to be a mom, cooking for her hubby and I was going to totally love it. I was pretty sure of it. The sad part is, I ended up losing Jeoff over distance and time and space and while my plethora of friends and family think he's stupid to let me go, he's a much happier person now and he's bound to find the right girl soon. He made me want to be the wife... And now that I'm not going to be a wife, I think I have to keep on frequenting the clubs and going to parties to meet the one. I know that sounds like a crappy, sucky plan but maybe, when I meet the one, I can then do the couple stuff - you know, shopping for pots and pans with friends, grocery shopping, cooking on the weekends, having fun by the park... and not feel hurt or rejected at the end of the day. 

Oh well, someday, maybe when the time is right, he'll come to me and say he wants to get married. Maybe... 

Life After You

I have been working so hard that I have neglected eating or even grooming. I feel so tired all the time. It's weird, but at least I love what I do and that's what matters. 

I posted this song because someday, somehow, I wish someone will tell me the exact same words. I checked my email at work the other day... It's so sad. The Knot sent me and him another email. I suppose you're going to tell me "So what...?" It is just sad. No one expected my wedding to fall apart. No one expected that he'd fall out of love so fast. I met up with Irish the other week and she honestly told me that she wasn't fed up with me, she was fed up with what my ex kept pulling. That she had been on his side for all these years but she can't condone what he has done the last time. I felt sick talking about him but I know she's right. Talking about the pain will not only be healthy but will help me cope with the anguish I feel. 

It's so hard to explain to people why I hide. It's so hard to make people believe that I am okay. But while I never get any better inside, I get better at doing it. I am a facade of happiness and strength. No one knows every day I face the world with a broken heart and crushed spirit. No one cares anyhow... 

I do... I try to care. I try to care about me... I don't have any ill feelings towards him. It's just that, I believed even to the very last minute that we will work it out and we will fight until the end. The love that I felt for him is something I thought could carry me through every little trial in my life with him. I sincerely thought love was going to be enough. It turns out that life gives you a rough punch when all you wished for was a hand to help you up. The universe really kicks you when you're down. At that certain point in my life, I felt so low and then, I thought, just thought that he would slowly come to, slowly see that I'm worth something, anything - just a little drop of affection and all he had for me was hatred and anger. Until now, sometimes, when we talk, I feel the apathy. I don't know if he'll ever love me again. He probably never will. He probably never did... I was an idea of perfection and when I fell short of that, I was let go of. 

Ivan thought I was angry with him on his birthday. I don't know why and what for. Maybe because I presented our project alone. This is me... I am the lone wolf. I couldn't even trust my senior ISD to help me out. I think sometimes, I feel like I am the only one that can save something. Not because I'm cocky and arrogant, but because I have not had the chance to enjoy something so effortless and true. I thought I had and whatever I have done still fell short. Now, I slowly see myself working harder and harder at being happy, or at least trying to be. I'm getting better at hiding every damned emotion I feel, including anger and disappointment. I'm not jaded or angry. I am just getting amazingly excellent at shielding my emotions from public view. Even Irish got slightly fooled, I'm sure. Why did I let myself only open up to him? Now it's harder to show someone who cares what I really feel. When we started drinking, Ivan and Jessie were singing this song, called "Break Your Heart"... I think that's what I'll do to the next person that ever showed me that he cares - I'm going to break him hard. I don't want that... 

Life after you... and you're not going to read this but life after you sucks... Someday you'll know I'm worth it. Someday, you'll know that I am worth everything that you had to go through... I just hope that someday isn't too late for you. 

Could Have Been's

I haven't blogged for some time. I mean, it's been one serious event after another. All the drinking and booze-y nights I've had with team mates and friends and even family has made the transition to singlehood easy yet painstaking. I don't really like alcohol cos it has this superbly disturbing effect on me. I tend to be more awake than sleepy when I drink. Lolz. I know, I know, I'm just one of those people that don't digest it as nicely as other people do. But my limit has gone up. I can now drink 7 bottles of light beer without passing out. Hahaha!

I feel like I've let a lot of people down. It's not like I have fans or anything but every time my mom and/or dad decides to give me something silly, like a tub of ice cream or  either one allows me not to get out of bed for one whole day, it makes me feel like I've let them down. They seem so comfortable in knowing that I'm depressed, that I'm in a rut, that I'm lovelorn and hopeless... Hahaha! No one has given me the fuck it, get out of your freakin' bed and stop eating that ice cream speech. Well, my friends are all really busy. My best friend, Cymmie just gave birth. Jack and Chloe are moving to Australia. Irish is busy with church. Winch is going through his own depression. Aileen and Arnel are getting ready for their baby. Yogi is well, himself... I guess I am starting to think that my depression is only mine. No one is going to sit down with me and tell me to move on or yell at me or say things like "you can do it, Meg, you're great...". It's all mine. But it doesn't help that some people did believe that I will get married, that he and I will be the exception - that long distance relationships all falter and die.

So to people who don't know... I just ended a 4-year relationship with a man whose name will never be mentioned. He took my heart and broke it into pieces, not that it's entirely his fault. I have to say that I had a hand, well, I had a huge hand in it. I didn't cheat or anything, but it was grave and I insulted his family, I made such a huge issue of certain things following his mother's comments about me and my family over the phone. I don't know, somehow, people gave me their theories about what happened. They keep telling me that he has another woman, that he's gay, that he has no balls, that he just lacked the drive, that he's afraid of commitment but my favorite is that he fell out of love, cos I think that is the most possible one. He woke up one day and he chose not to love me anymore. Nothing to it, it happens. It makes sense. It fits. Everything that mattered one day didn't matter anymore. I guess he realized that I wasn't going to make him happy, I was not worth the fight, I wasn't the one. I just wish he didn't waste my time. Hahaha... I could have slept around in my twenties. Now, I'm a 30-year old washed-up hasbeen and the only guys that want to sleep with me are those that I rejected in my early twenties. Hahaha. Okay,so I write this with all the dripping sarcasm and disdain of a scorned woman but I know myself well enough to know that somehow, I wouldn't have slept with any of them even then. Well, who am I kidding? Even now. Hahaha! 

So, over the weekend, I keep hearing this damned song. Via Videoke, the television, Youtube, I mean God knows, it was all over the place and I just thought, you know what, indulge... What could have been? I could have been a wife, a mother, a lover, a sweet addition to a family. I could have been the one... I could have made him breakfast every day, wearing my robe after a wonderful sleep, making pancakes and brewing coffee. I could have made Coddled Eggs with Jerusalem Artichokes for breakfast, or even Eggs Benedict, maybe some bacon on the side. I'd then get ready for work... shower with him, maybe to save water. Then have a quick make-up routine while he dresses up in his shirt and slacks. I'd put on my slacks and soccer-mom sweater set. We'd call each other for lunch cos he'd be working on one side of the Toronto area and I'd probably be somewhere in the middle so I can pick up groceries and pay for the bills after work. Somewhere near the post office, so we don't get late payment fees on the mortgage and my car payments. I'd be home before him, cooking some minestrone I learned from Giada or Nigella the other day. I'd have some store-bought cornbread so we can have a hearty meal. When he comes home, I'd be fresh off the shower, his slippers would be on the couch and I'd have done some light laundry. He'll be sitting on his Lazy Boy, flipping channels.I'd be giving him a light kiss and a nice back rub. Then I'd sit beside him for some TV and some soup...  His sister may be joining us for dinner, or I would have picked her up after grocery-shopping. She'd be joining us for some crazy conversation about her silly colleagues. His parents would call at night. I'd have a quick pow-wow with them and then they would talk to him. On weekends, we'd be jogging around in the park, near the mall... We'd have brunch then go to church. Then maybe go to the mall or just veg out. I like vegging out on weekends. Sleep through out the afternoon and maybe have a nice romantic dinner at night. 

There are so many things that could have been. 

I'm not angry. I'm not sad. I'm not disappointed. I'm not regretful. Every single thing that lead me up to this, I would do again. Not because I don't know any better or because I know any worse, but because I am accountable for myself. I feel terrible for ruining my chances of what could-have-been's but you know what, if I was really loved, if I was someone worth fighting for, I would been fought for. If I was really the one, I would not have could-have-been's. I would be living them now. 

I'm not the one. I was let go of. In this world, that happens. I keep playing it in my head. I wasn't the one who let go, I kept on and I showed courage. I showed love in the most unbelievable stages of our lives together, unconditional, true, unfailing. Even when insults came at me, I stood up and vowed that I will love him forever. I am not sorry for loving him. I'm sorry for the consequences of my actions. I wish somehow, his parents will see that they push people away. I felt torn down every time I came across their path. I felt sad every time I met them cos they really make me feel like I was going to do something wrong, like I wasn't going to do right by their son. I hope the next woman that comes into his life will have more support from his parents. Maybe that's all I'm good for. I'm the woman that will be their yardstick for life - you know, if some Debbie, Angela or Rosemary enters his life, at least she's much better than Meg, and quite honestly, if that is what would make him happy, then I'm all for it. 

I have not given up on love. I'm just giving up on this one. I loved truly and unconditionally. I love him still. I don't care if you frown upon it or if you feel like you should slap me silly. I know I do and it's useless to lie to myself about it. The one thing I do know for sure is he doesn't anymore. He couldn't care less anymore about what goes on in my life. The tone of his emails have gone from slightly accusatory "I thought you lined your weekends up with men" to one-liners like "Ok" in a span of a week. I think he's meeting people and having fun, which should be the case. I always hoped he'd be back and he'd sweep me off my feet and say he loves me. That's not going to happen... 

The sweet words you whispered didn't mean a thing...I guess our song is over as we began to sing...

I Couldn't Ask for More

What did I ever do to deserve someone like you? For four years, I took someone so beautiful for my own. Everyday, I ask God back then how could He give me such a wonderful man, to make me happy, to make me whole, to make me love so much... How could I have gotten someone so amazing that it made me so ecstatic to be with you.

More and more each day, I learned about myself and I learned more about you. While distance threatened us, we pushed forward, and decided to get married. We tried and fought hard but as always, good things come to an end and we just couldn't take anymore. I wanted to so badly to fight for more because I think in a lifetime, you only see one true love. Too bad, I wasn't yours... You told me it was time to quit, so you won't hate me, so you won't completely forget what we had. I begged you to stay, I begged you so hard, even knelt and cried. I would have cried tears of blood if that is what it took to make you stay.  But it was time to go... it was time for you to go.

I will miss everything. Believe it or not, I will miss even the fights, the constant bickering, the pressure of being with you, the rushing home to catch you on gmail, and to run to you when you come home. I will miss holding your hand, and kissing you. I will miss touching your face every time I lean forward for a kiss. I will miss you - all of you. I will miss your heart, your love, your sweet and corny poems and most of all, I miss the conversations I had with you. You treated me as your equal and took me under your wing, taught me a lot of what I know about life and love. I love you because of that.

Slowly, I peeled away at the resistance I felt at the beginning. I opened myself to you. I was vulnerable and loving and never again will anyone ever feel that with me. You're the only one that I will allow myself to be this vulnerable and loving to. You will always have my heart. You will always, always have me.


Thanks so much for the love, for the 4 years. I love you still and I love you more and more every day, despite the anger I feel. You were my life, my peace of mind and now, I'm going to go without any more. I don't want to burden you with me anymore. I don't want to be your obligation. Someday, you'll fall in love and love truly. I pray that you stand up for her, believe in the love you feel for her, and find the truth in every little moment and let those little truths lead you to a life well-lived and a life well-rewarded. I love you, Jeoff, now and forever.. 

10,000 Promises

Ok, so it's over now. What I predicted some time ago happened, swiftly, I might add. I was wearing a sassy dress, I had a great time in the office. I went online for our usual chat and lo and behold, he can't take nothing no more. I had to be let go of. 

I can say the meanest things and get away with it, and I'd probably have some people on my side. I know I did my part and I know I have done the best I could to fight for the relationship, to fight for us, to make him see that love is worth fighting for. For some reason, he chose not to love me anymore. He blamed on a variety of reasons - I was too far, I was too much, I was too assuming, too negative, too this, too that... I was too much to handle and I was the evil bitch that ruined his family.

His mother and father decided to find a retirement home rather than stay with him because they can't even stay in the same place as me. I feel like this hatred of me stems from something so little and so mundane, such as me telling them the truth about what I feel. If I had the chance to squeeze some honesty out of people I would. But as he who wouldn't be named would one day tell me, in his fit of anger and rage, that I HAD NO RIGHT TO TALK TO HIS PARENTS LIKE THAT! I saw the ghost of my past and present merge into him. I had not seen him this angry, like he was ready to kill me. And that's what cemented my decision to ask him that greatly insensitive question - when are you leaving me.

Don't get me wrong... I love him but until he can see that I am not his problem, he would never see me for who I am or what I have done for him. He won't understand that I love him and I wish for once, he would look into his heart and love me back. Again, my heart wishes for him. There is not one night that I don't long to hear his voice, to look into his eyes and feel him love me. Lately, I know things have changed. But there was a little bit left and I felt it. Now, he would literally push me away. He won't email, he won't call, oh wait, he hasn't called for a long time. I may be dead rotting in a bush somewhere and he won't have known, because we're saving money or because it was useless to have a phone line that makes international calls. Well, now, it's relatively futile to have a line that makes international calls. It's useless if he'd only get it for me, God forbid that he spends x amounts of dollars on me when I have spent x amounts of pesos on him. Just doesn't match...

When we first got back together, after he broke up with me on our 4th anniversary, April 1st of this year, it was also through the fit of anger he felt. He accused me of "accepting" the break-up. Of course, I was going to accept the break-up! I was broken. I thought we were going to get married then wham, bam, thanks for the 4 years. He gave me this whole long speech about waiting 50 years to prove to me that he loves me, that he will be with me and that he will love me... Well, 50 years turned out to be like 5 weeks. Maybe that's what it is in Meg years. Within minutes, he was changing his relationship status on Facebook. I mean, for long-distance couples, that is what it is. It's not telling your friends that cements your relationship, it's updating Facebook. Funny satirical relationship that it is, my mind was telling me that it was wrong. Wrong because he hasn't fixed everything yet in his life. Seriously,until his parents understand that he's a grown up and he's responsible for his own life, they will never let him go and everything in his life will have to go through a severe utilitarian approval process.

You know, I get that he loves his family more than he loves me. It totally makes sense. I am no one in his life. Evidently, I am no one now. I just wish he would look at me and just remember who I am. Not the person he judges and believes ruined his life.

I think the end of this relationship really signals the end. I don't have a crystal ball, but I can feel him slowly slipping away. Maybe because he's angry and he's not that into me. Well, I wish him the best. I just want to know if it's that easy to turn your back against someone nowadays. Will I find a man that can make me fall in love with them? Will I find a man that will fall in love with me, now that I feel so numb and jaded? I am not angry... maybe a little, and I want to just let it all out - the numbness, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. I just want to feel loved again. No one loves me anymore. And you know what, I'm not going to assign my peace of mind to him anymore... He can choose to live his life, be with some other woman and I'm just going to wish them well. I must learn to let go and now, I'm going to take the first step. I want to be free of him, so I can heal and be a better person. No more wishing and no more hoping. I just want to find my backbone and live again.

The Lost Video

The song "You Ought to Know" comes to mind. Especially the line about "You told me you'll hold me until you die, til you die, but you're still alive..." Sometimes you can't do anything anymore about people and their wishes. They choose to love you or they choose not to. In this case, with me and him, he chose not to anymore. I actually applaud him for that, because there's not a lot of people who can decide to end something that feels like an obligation. People actually commit to something and believe that it's going to last forever. Now I know it's being naive on my part and not really being true to myself. 

I wish him the best. He deserves someone in his life that would make him  think that he wants to live his life instead of living a life decided for him. He deserves someone that he loves enough to fight for. I was sadly less in comparison... Oh well, sometimes, people fall short of what is expected of them. I can't do much about that. I can only hope that he finds love. 

Very few people know about this blog so I tend to really post like crazy. It's almost impossible for me to not to, what with the heartaches I've been having over the past. I have been told time and again that this is not something fun to read and I always say that if you don't feel like reading it, you can always close the window. 

This is sadly, part of my life. I am coming to realize that a person who chooses not to love you will not love you. Much as I shudder to think that he will never love me again, it's really his choice now. I'm like a sitting duck, waiting to be boiled alive, waiting for him to really say, "I don't love you anymore." Honestly, this is the most depressed I've ever been in my life. Think of it this way... you're about to be left, but you're staying to either make the person transition better, because you don't want him to feel guilty or you're staying cos you have this 1% chance of saving the relationship or you're staying just so he won't get lonely when he visits in January. Ok, I lied, none of those are my reasons. I am staying cos I love him. I am staying cos maybe, at the back of my mind, I know there's no saving this, but I know I don't want him to feel guilty about leaving me. I am staying cos for some odd, maniacal reason, I believe somehow that two people who love each other don't give up. 

You know, I don't know where this is going. I terribly miss those moments when I know he can't live without me, and really looks forward to my emails. I think now, he just wants to not see or hear anything from me. I can't really relate what has happened before about his parents to what is happening right now, because for some reason, I really think it's his issue with his folks and not with me. If he loves me, as he claimed he did, when he asked me back, well, this shouldn't be happening. If this is what's happening right now, then maybe it wasn't love. I was a security blanket. I was just rebound... 

Oh, those times when he told me he can't believe that I said that we were just friends, that he can't take it. He promised me that he would spend 50 years if it takes that long to prove to me that he loves me, and to prove to the rest of the world that he does. Where is that now? What happened to us? Why do we lose our way so many times and no one apologizes for it? Why does fate allow this to happen? Do I really deserve this? Am I being punished for everything that I have done? I take back the words that I said before about a long-distance relationship. I claimed before that no one should suffer through it. I know now, that no one should suffer through a one-way road, waiting and suffering for someone to meet him/her halfway. 

I really think that somehow, someway, he really doesn't love me anymore. I feel so crestfallen right now. My confidence is at an all-time low. I sometimes wake up, fumed at what he's doing to me. If this is punishment for what I did, then I have suffered enough. If this is some way to be selfish, like having his cake and eating it too, then I probably could expect it from such an angry man. Sometimes, I really just want to tell him to leave me alone if he really doesn't want to make any effort to be with me. Sometimes, I feel like I should suffer through this and wait and believe in him as I did before. 

Earlier, I asked him, is it pathetic to keep hearing he loves me. The only thing he said was that he understands. 

No matter what I say, I still love him. I know I don't have any place in his heart right now. He always chooses something else over me as a matter of priority. I understand this fully. He has every right to do that, but I just wish somehow, he would learn to look into his heart and see that I'm worth loving...I am worth fighting for... 

Drama Queen

He sent me an email. Should I just pretend that nothing happened? No amazing epiphany occurred? I don't want the drama but every time I think I'm losing him, the tears fall down and I can't stop it. The fear is to lose him and yet, I push him away. In every moment when I try to love someone, something happens and yanks it all away. This is why I never could be happy. I think I'm cursed to live a life like this - always in pain and suffering and in constant fear that I'll lose someone. 

It's not fair to have this life. It's not fair to want something so badly that you can almost taste it, but it's isn't yours and may never be yours. The universe dangles it in front of you. But while the best things in life are free, you have to work for your own happiness. 

If you're wondering why I'm writing this down, it's for reference. Maybe because I need just one person to know and I know he doesn't even know I'm posting anymore. Maybe, just maybe, I could get through that one person to understand somehow where I'm coming from. He will never be named again in this blog for fear that somehow, in the next few weeks or months, he will not be someone that should be named. He may choose to be with someone else, or choose to be alone. Either way, it won't be with me. 

We just had a fight that lasted for two days. It outlined how he is angry that I ruined our chance at being married. Because his parents hate me now, there's no way they'll want to live under the same roof. They asked him to drive them to a retirement home. He talked about this old man who kept complaining that he was left there by his daughter. 

I know he feels guilty and so do I. But what am I to do? His parents accused me of insulting them without even talking to me about an email, about anything... 

I think that's when I saw the gleam of anger in his eyes. The same eyes that used to smile at me when we are talking and cuddling. Same beautiful brown eyes that showed me so much love now shows me this glazed facade that doesn't make sense to me. 

I prodded him to talk to me about it. Over the span of the few weeks we got back together, he has started losing interest in what I say or do. He emails but he's not like he was before - when we were happier. He is now morose, almost stand-offish. He would sometimes say things that are meaner than usual directed at me or things about our relationship. He would spend less and less time with me, until what is left is a Sunday evening talk and would sometimes even end in a fight. 

I told him I will absolutely face the wrath of his mother. If that's the only way to win him back, then yeah, I will do it. If I had to live under the same roof with them, day in and day out - cue music and really bad telenovela writing, with all the drama, I will live through that. 

But also yesterday, he wanted to see other people. Don't take it against him, it was my idea. Thikning that if he really loves me, he'll come back. No we didn't break up. He just wanted to see if he could really live without me. He's starting to doubt me, doubt if I can marry him and live a life that 

Sometimes, in some moments of your life, you wish that you were not there. That your brain would check out and never come back? Sometimes, you wish you were insane and that nothing anyone says could hurt you. Sometimes, you wish you had all the strength in the world to fight all the injustice that happened and somehow, shield yourself from so much pain. My spirit is so broken. I love him to bits but my spirit is so low right now, I could actually be in hell, or rock bottom whichever is lower. 

He now has every right and maybe, every intention to say goodbye. That fact alone is so palpable, I can't even begin to describe how much that really, really hurts. If my heart was a direct manifestation of what I'm feeling, I'm due for a double bypass surgery now, with a 50-50 chance of survival. My heart is bleeding out of its own crevices and there's nothing I can do to tourniquet the broken parts long enough to make it stop breaking even  more. 

I've been crying since I got home. I know that doesn't sound so healthy. That actually sounds pretty bad. In any case, this is what made me cry more. 

Live Like I'm Dying

Sometimes we fall down, can't get back up. We're hiding behind skin that's too tough. How come we don't say "I love you" enough, til it's too late... 

I just attended a beautiful wedding. It was superb. It was a classic theme, with gold as the motif. It was spectacular seeing people celebrating love. It was as if love was the free-flowing drink in the party and everyone was drinking out of it. I held tears that were meant for the bride and groom as they walked down the aisle and proclaimed their vows.

Attending the wedding made me realize a lot of the things that I want. Not in my wedding but in my life. And they say if you proclaim it and believe that you will get it, you will. I'm sorry if this will be one of those emotional posts. I'm still crying for the bad things that happened in my life. Whomever you are, a divorced mom, a funny friend, a loving daughter, a single man, a married husband, a dedicated wife - know that this is my perspective - my take on my life. 

I want a love that's true. Something that can't be taken away by time or distance or space or other people. I want a love that stands the test of life - a journey on its own, with no destination but with a clear goal in mind - that the journey is enjoyable, that it's full of affection down the road and nurturing experiences. I want a love that transcends through everything - people, places, lives... I want a love that consumes, not only me but the other person too. I want someone to be there for me - not because of obligation but because of real love, something that isn't forced and acknowledged but it should be something that reverberates within that person's soul. 

I want a love that has no exceptions. I want a love that grows and functions on its own - something that doesn't need to be directed but has its own way to guide itself. 

Yesterday, he mentioned that he doesn't want this to be an obligation. Yesterday he said that we need some time away from each other, because he wants to find out if he can't live without me. 

I want a love that lets me see bright, fresh colors. Something happy that really makes both of you happy... 

I'm sorry if this is becoming more of what is than what it is supposed to be. I just hope to see something other than the gray I see. Nothing breaks my spirit more than knowing that the love I seek is the love that I'll lose. He's slipping slowly into the night. Yesterday, we even thought of seeing other people just to make it work. But how do you make things work? Is it possible to make someone angry less angry? Is it possible to make someone who's hurt less hurt? Is it possible that two people in love can't find the words or the actions to say that they love each other? 

All I know is I love him. This is why this breaks me more than anything. This is why I am so hurt and sad and really depressed. This is why I can't see colors and I'm plunged into a dark, gloomy night. 

I wish we could see the dawn - just a glimpse of it. 

The iPod Game

I tend to torture myself with weird and vague questions about my life using my iPod. Today, I just uploaded a new playlist - the Sissy playlist. It's a collection of songs from boy bands - good, sad, painful and even funny ones.

Earlier today, Jeoff and I had the most painful fight ever. I just feel like he doesn't want to treat me fairly. He's an angry man. He believes to some extent that I ruined a possibly good wedding. That's beside the point though. In case you haven't been following what my life is about, that's okay. I don't really expect anyone to, considering half of my friends have probably given up on me.

Anyhow, this is going to be one huge word vomit so it better be at least over the top, cos it seems to be the running theme in my life. I think God is one mean DJ.

Yes, I play some stupid iPod game. Just now, I was relaxing in my room and decided to press shuffle on iTunes and asked God one random question. "What's gonna happen next?". It's so freakin' weird. Let me tell you what kind of songs I have on the Sissy playlist, alright?

1. On Bended Knee - It's from Boyz II Men which specialize in songs of regret...

Can we go back to the days our love was strong.Can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong? 

2. Four Seasons of Loneliness - Again some weird song from Boyz II Men that sings of four seasons of loneliness.

This loneliness has crushed my heart. Please let me love again. Cause I need your love to comfort me and ease my pain. Or four seasons will bring the loneliness again... 

3. Total Eclipse of the Heart (by Glee) - Not that I had anything against the original version, I kind of needed a sissy playlist, remember? I had to go super ShowTunes by invoking the powers of Rachel Berry and the Kurt.

Once upon a time, I was falling in love. Now I'm only falling apart, nothing I can do... The total eclipse of the heart.

4. Everytime - From the Rhythm Nation diva, Janet Jackson. I badly wanted this song on my Sissy playlist cos it reminds me of High School and everything that was strange about it.

But everytime your love is near and everytime I'm filled with fear... cause everytime I see your face, my heart just begins to race everytime... 

5. Never Ever - This soulful song is from All Saints which may have been the basis for Val Kilmer's movie some odd years ago.

Never ever have I had to find, I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind. I've never had my conscience to fight. The way I'm feeling it just don't feel right. I'll keep searching deep within my soul, for all the answers. I don't want to hurt no more. 

6. Tearin' Up My Heart - Ok, this I don't have memorized. I remember it to be one of those break up songs too  from N'Sync.
7. Invisible Man from 98 Degrees - Yup, someone taken for granted.
8. All Rise - From Blue, which talked about universal love.
9. It's Gonna Be Me - From N'Sync again. Really freaky song about trying to win someone over and that the next time that girl will love again, it's gonna be them - sounds like a restraining order.
10. Other boy band and Glee songs that are bound to hurt you - Bad Romance, True Colors, My Confessions, Somebody to Love, You Can't Always Get What You Want.

Amazingly, what I got was I Do, despite the fact that I was talking to God and asking for a sign as to what I need to do.

In case you've been living in a cave, this is the video for that damned song...

 

God is an unfair DJ. He kind of makes you hope for something you've always wanted. 

Caught in a Bad Romance

So here I am again. Nursing a slightly broken heart. I have held off blogging about what had happened the past week, drowning myself in work, friends and more importantly, television. I've told the world what had happened to me and Jeoff's parents and well, sadly, it has not bore me anything new. It is the same problem and I have come to accept that it is not going to change. 

Jeoff broke up with me last week, Saturday, at 10.30 in the morning. Officially, we have called it quits. No wedding, no relationship, no nothing. I was again, pretty predictive in my last post. 

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

Amazingly, I guess I know him well enough that he would always choose his family, a trait that sadly diminishes my priority in the hierarchy of things to do in his list and yet, made me fall for him even more. 

What is worse is that his father has fallen even more ill than before and now, he has slipped into a state where he has been repeating what he has been saying. It's a little nervous breakdown, brought on by the thought that their only son is leaving them to be with me. In case you're wondering why it's so bad to be with me, I can't give you the answer to that. But as my good friend Raika, has mentioned before. perhaps it's because every mother chooses herself to be template of her son's wife. I am not his mother. 

Surprisingly, I am calmer than most people would expect me to be. At work, no one knows what ordeal I faced and am facing except for a select few. Only one knows the story. I had told all my friends though, because I didn't want people to expect a wedding in October only to be disappointed that neither bride nor groom will show up. Superficially, I look fine. I know I look great, because make-up does amazing things that you body will not do for you. So do clothes. And finally, the posture, stance and grace should be there, beyond belief. I am an expert at covering up my true emotions, no matter how overwhelming they are - in the office and everywhere else. I think I learned that because I didn't want to people to feel obligated to care for me. Also, I don't want pity. I wanted genuine concern. In my process of coping with this so-called rejection, I timed my breakdowns. I wanted it everyday for 30 minutes. After 30 minutes, I would lie back, wipe my tears off and head down to wash my face and then, sleep on the couch. Why in the couch? My room was too painful a place to stay in. Pictures of us, stuffed toys, jewelry - everything he had ever given me lied in the 4 corners of the room. Every talk we enjoyed happened in that room. It was surreal. 

In the process of "decluttering" my feelings, I am most certain that I love him. I really do... In the back of my mind, I know it may not work, and I feel so powerless about it but I know I love him too much. So many questions, so much resentment and anger and regret poured into me. Discovering yourself in a frame of 30 minutes doesn't allow you much branching out into the psyche but I'm glad that I didn't push myself for more. I just think that maybe, if I allow myself an hour to cry hard, I won't be able to hide the fact that I cried.  

I am now at a standstill. I am caught in a bad romance... a very bad one. I don't want to be a friend but I can't be a lover. I love him too much but I know he has every issue in the world with me. I love him too much to give up but I love him too much to not give up. 

Life is fucking complicated. 

Gone

I hear the ticking of the clock... I'm lying here, the room is pitch dark. I wonder where you are tonight... No answer on your telephone. And the night goes by so very slow... I hope that it won't end though - alone.

I  just had the worst day of my life. How do you make things better when there's no point to it? Jeoff's parents hate me. They will never forgive me and I can't live a life knowing they will never ever understand the way I am and they way I was raised.

Saturday afternoon was his Lola Lydia's birthday and I was invited along with my parents. I was stupid enough not to note exactly what time it was and what time I was supposed to be there. At around 10:30AM, I got home from a long day a work. I had to work on projects left and right, publishing and getting things ready for my Monday deadline. 

I was worried about the deadline. I was worried about our Business Unit Plans. I was trying to think like a manager would. I was really utilizing everything my brain would allow me to put out there.

I was also worried about my wedding, the cost and the venue and the little time I had with his parents, since they have to look through the contracts.

I was worried about which cake to get Lola Lydia. Would I get Marshmallow cake from Red Ribbon which I know would be a big hit to the younger guys, or would I get the Mousse cake which tastes like ice cream. I know she would like that cos I brought some to her then and she liked it. 

I was excited to see Tita Ellen, who was the only relative they had that made me feel safe and secure and made me feel like she understood my fears in being part of being a big family. I know I miss hanging out with Sheelah and our stolen yosi break in a small sari-sari store in a street adjacent to the Bulusan house. I miss seeing Elaine, who's Ivan's girl, who makes me feel good about being the only non-family there. I miss seeing Trixy who I think is just incredibly adorable, and showed maturity at being 7 when she handed me a bunch of mint candies when I gave her a Mentos pouch, who loved the box and colored pencils I got her for her birthday. 

I was going to go... but I lacked some semblance of time when I got home. I talked to Jeoff and we were discussing something important he went through today at work. I was pretty confident that I could leave by 2 and come to the party with the two cakes I was mulling over most of the evening. I wanted everyone to enjoy... Maybe I'll get a smaller mousse cake for Lola cos she might be the only one who enjoys it. Maybe everyone else preferred the marshmallow one cos they all raved about last Christmas. I just kind of wished I got them more then, cos I only brought one... But their desserts were nice. I wasn't too fond of the cake but they all liked it. It's overkill to bring three. It would be nice to have a cake for the guests and a smaller one for the celebrant. Made me look proper and thoughtful too instead of lugging around 3 cakes from a bakeshop. I don't know, that was my biggest worry and I really thought that they highlight of my day before the party was which mousse cake to get - chocolate or mango, cos I know they do that now... and guess what. Bad cakes crumble... 

I sent an sms to Tito Doy, Jeoff's dad, asking for directions cos it's been a while since I went there. The last time was right after Ondoy. After which, businesses came to lose money, Merlin kept me tied up and I can't even drop by there for the occasional hello. I wasn't really invited to their Christmas get-together and I didn't want to show up there without any formal invite. That would be just rude and assuming right? Tito Doy replied and said that I won't see anyone there and that this was supposed to be a welcome lunch for me and my family. 

A week before this happened, I had lunch with their family, my dad and mom tagging along. It was awkward for me, cos the groom is supposed to be the one doing this, not the bride, but what the heck, we had a special situation.. What makes me think that no bride-to-be has ever had to endure sweaty palms and severe hair loss to sit through a 2-course meal in a Chinese resto? They said about the lunch that it was "optional" for us, after realizing that my parents aren't used to socializing and we're simple kinfolks. It's like I'm from Iowa and sadly, we're not used to their ways - clannish, huge family reunions... the kind we're not really used to as a family. 

I called, based on Tito Doy's recommendation. I talked to Tita Baby, Jeoff's mom, and what happened was something out of a movie where the lead actress tends to run away from the phone, crying. I was told that I've insulted the family, because this was a lunch specifically for my family to be welcomed to her family. I was told that the fact that I was late to go home wasn't an excuse and that I should have attended no matter what the reason is. I was told that my family has no "urbanidad", which roughly translates to social graces or manners. That although we were told as a family that it's optional, I should have gone still, and that it was a test and I failed, along with my family. Why is that they have to adjust to me and I can't adjust to them... that it shows how I will treat their son someday... What was it that we're ashamed of... is there something I need to be ashamed of and I just can't say what it is... The conversation ended badly cos she hung up after I said "okay... sorry...". I doubt she even heard the last line I said. 

I didn't know what got to me first, the fact that I misunderstood "optional" or that I was insulted along with the people I love the most or that I was being questioned AGAIN that I love their son more than I love my life. 

Sometimes, I badly wish I can just check out of this life, and be someone else, someone devoid of emotions and someone who doesn't feel like crap when being told that I'm not good enough. Do I envision the future being the wife of a man whose mother is repulsed by me? That's a wonderful question... I love Jeoff and the pain is somewhat a snag, but I love him dearly. 

But the question is how do you do this? How do you endure pain in for love? It's this intense emotionally cripling feeling that certainly drowns your heart and makes you feel that you wish you were dead. That maybe he would be better off being with someone who is loved by his parents and his relatives. I wasn't good enough then, and I will never be good enough now - especially now when his mother has stated that she will never participate in our wedding. How horrible is that?! His mother - the only woman whom he has loved for the rest of his life, will not come to his own wedding. I couldn't bear it. I can't stand that I will be the cause of the break-up of their family.

Jeoff emailed me and told me that he loves me and he will not be leaving me. He said though that he needs to colect his thoughts and will speak to me tomorrow. I think wait for a couple of weeks when your mother decides to never speak to you again for the rest of my life and let's see you pine for me still. Should I just do the right thing and let him go? I know how much he loves them. I just need to do the right thing and let him go and have him find some other woman whom his parents will love and I hope will love him more than I do.

The song above is really how I feel... How do I get him alone? How do I make things work for him and me and him and me alone? I don't know how else to get him, without his family being behind us 100% of the time. His parents wanted the big white wedding which I didn't like, his parents were also the ones who wanted to view every one of the contract of every supplier we ever have. I am drained but I'm doing it anyhow and I say yes to everything they say though that means losing sleep, losing my identity and everything else. I hope to get Jeoff and Jeoff alone and I am marrying his family who now hates me and wants to probably forget that I ever existed. Sometimes, I just want to give up and just let go. There's not much difference anyhow. I do have almost no say in this relationship except for the fact that I love him and I badly want to fight for him til my dying breath. But at the expense of his family? That's just not right. 

I vowed to God and to Jeoff that I will fight for him til my dying breath. I badly want to... 

Maya Angelou's Still I Rise

Just needed some form of inspiration for today. I look to Maya Angelou for such inspiration and courage...

Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries?
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own backyard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Beautiful Nightmare

Ok, so the tests were normal. I'm so thankful. The ultrasound turned out to be a good test after all. It showed a section of my breasts - axilla, lobules, almost everything that I was worried about. It's good that:

1. There were no lumps/bumps or bruises in them.

2. It showed me how much fat I had in my breasts

Haha! Ok, not exactly medical in my sense. I am trying to cut back on lots of fat. Less sodium, less carbs as well. I had a great awakening. It's scary to be fat nowadays, lots of pain in my back and I really wish my HMO would cover breast reduction surgery. I just saw a woman in TheDoctors episode crying cos she can't open the pantry cupboards cos her breasts get in the way. I don't want to be like that...

I think sometimes, people can obsess so much about death when they haven't really started living. I was so scared I was gonna die that I was convinced that I was indeed, about to. The pain was sort of a manisfestation of what I was feeling inside. I was in a tremendous amount of stress. Everything was such a pain. It was a pain getting up in the morning and a pain to go home at night. I was always pretty casual with my time, giving it freely to whomever needs it. Now, I need to relax and really prioritize things that matter to me. I know it sounds crazy to admit this, but as a manager - I suck at prioritizing. People do feel, probably, that I'm there all the time, but in all honesty, sometimes, I am just a shell of who I am.

I can't keep on taking on people who assign me their peace of mind. Sometimes, it becomes overwhelming that it has gotten to the point that it can cause severe breast pain.

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Disclaimer: Pardon my rants and I couldn't really think of anything to say. I just needed to get this off my chest primarily because I've been crying all night and I don't know how to handle myself anymore. I've not been diagnosed with Breast Cancer, and I've not been diagnosed at all. I will be diagnosed tomorrow. 

 

I just came back from the doctor today. And here I am, frantic about tomorrow... I don't even know where to draw strength or how to find grace in a moment like this. I'm scared.

I woke up Thursday afternoon last week, feeling pain in my right breast. Upon checking myself, I found a small lump on the right side of my breast. As you can imagine, this is something almost unbearable for a woman - to come face to face with the shocking truth. That primarily, I have been lazy to do my self-examination weekly. Now I should. Secondly, that I can feel so much pain in my breast that I would go to a doctor about it.

I've been awake for hours, wondering if I could go on like this. Questions started popping in my head, like what am I going to do...? Am I gonna be able to fight this...? Will I be alright...? All I could think of is the worst case scenario. Call me a pessimist but I believe that life isn't a fairy tale. And good people do die of horrifying diseases. I don't know if I've been good or bad, but I know one thing - I don't want to die of a horrifying disease.

I was watching that video in Youtube and I can't believe how much of it is exactly what I'm thinking. Why, what am I here for, what should I do... Mine is somewhat more selfish, I would have to admit but it makes me think of things like should I break away from people I know...? Should I still get married if this turns out to be serious...? Should I just disappear if it is...?

I know I'm jumping the gun but I feel so exposed. I feel so vulnerable. No one is even here with me. I don't want to tell my folks because I don't want to alarm them. I don't really want to involve my friends because they have their own lives to live. My fiance keeps telling me "It's nothing, it's nothing..." and it really frustrates me sometimes that he thinks it's nothing. It's my fight to keep sane and to keep healthy but on one hand, I really wish someone could provide me some comfort in telling me that they're going to be with me no matter what. Or someone could go with me to the doctor and give me a hug afterwards, or an effin' Prozac.

I've been crying since earlier. I don't really know how to stop. There's still pain on my right breast. I didn't ask for anything that would stop the pain, so I can feel exactly what it is tomorrow for the final check-up. They keep asking me what kind of pain it is and now, it's graduated from a dull, throbbing headache to something that seems like muscle burn. I don't even know why I'm crying. Maybe it's the pain AND the idea of losing a breast or worse...

SO what do I do if I have Breast Cancer? It's the Big C... The one that could take my life away... I know, I'm jumping the gun but if I do, what do I do? The world is stopping ever so slowly for me. It feels like I'm trapped in a time warp. Being in a hospital, facing your own misgivings in life (not being healthy enough, smoking, eating unhealthy food, staying up late), it is slapping me in the face... And what do I do if I was given another chance at this life? I don't want to die... I don't want to die...

Meeting Joe Black Again

Ooohhh... swoon!

Yup, I spent the evening playing with Jeoff's Resto City and Cafe World. I miss him so badly and watching the movie on a local movie channel just made me miss him even more... :(

He's on a family trip in Niagara. Supposedly someplace really romantic. I wonder if other long-distance couples ever feel this way. In fact, I wonder if Jeoff even feels this way. I really feel so bad whenever I see a romantic movie on my own. The kissing and heavy petting on screen makes me the kissing and heavy petting with him! Haha! I know, I know, too much info, but sadly, I would really love it if I can spend a whole month just being with someone I love.

We've been in a long distance relationship for almost 4 years now. It's crazy.

I am still swooning...

Flooded

Storms have come in and the last one was Ondoy - it's this terrorizing and traumatizing super storm that swept the whole of Manila in rains, winds, and flood. Hundreds have died and millions had to deal with damaged properties. It's a heartbreaking scene, looking at pictures of people whose homes have been ravaged and whose family members have left them due to this tragedy.

Let's not forget...

Use Somebody

I am all alone on a Sunday night. It's rainy, cool, soft and depressing... I am watching the TV downstairs with my laptop on a pillow. I got so bored of playing with my pets on FB... I want to rest but I am too wired to do that. I'm waiting for HBO to show The Fast and the Furious. Watching Vin Diesel and treating him like eye candy won't hurt so badly today. 

Jeoff is in the US, visiting some relatives. He'll probably be back Monday night. I really, really wish he is in Toronto, so I can at least call him and talk to him. Honestly, I have been daydreaming that he will be knocking on my front door, white roses and all. It's a little crazy, I know. It's my dream of becoming Meg Ryan - some guy breathlessly whispering how much he loves me, rain pouring on us, and we passionately end in a fiery kiss. It's kind of crazy to sometimes want a prince to ride his white horse and sweep my off my feet. I bet no one really thinks of that. Oh but I do, sometimes. I really sometimes wish that he would actually surprise me - be home, be with me, in my house, in my arms and breathe the same air I am breathing. Fat chance - we do't have enough money and he can't just take a vacation...Oh well... Let's be realistic... 

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend who lives here, in Manila. Someone who I can talk to over the phone without worrying about local call charges, someone who can very well ride a cab in the middle of the night when I feel like having ice cream at 4 in the morning, someone who can go to church with me on Sundays and can enjoy a good family meal with my folks and someone who I can make love to - physically, not just say it, but really do it... someone that can kiss me, hold my hands and really gaze into my eyes... Would we last? Would we enjoy each others' company? 

People don't really understand the machinations of a woman in a long distance relationship. People have always told me that LDRs fail. And people who come of LDRs tend to be bitter and fall into the same cycle. I have known so many women who have had their hearts broken cos they let their men go into war, work or another woman's arms a hundred miles away. I myself sometimes don't know how I stay sane and alright... It seems like my whole life (24 years, thank you very much!), I have waited for someone who will love me right, and love me truly. Now that I found him, he has to be snatched away from me by fate. It is immensely painful, almost unbearable especially on night like this when it's raining, dark and cold...

Crashing Into Someone

I just spent the latter part of the day with friends, in a 24-hour spa. I was naked the whole afternoon... It's a pretty freaky and yet liberating experience. I spent some time in the jacuzzi with 5 or so other naked women and thankfully, my contacts were off, thus I wasn't able to look at others' boobs or booties, wondering if mine even hits the chart, haha! I just thought that somehow, I do still feel uneasy about being naked in front of other people whereas other women just took their towels off without any hesitation. My apprehensions about being naked will surely lessen someday, with more visits to that spa...

Spent the day with Chloe again, still worried about Jon. Crying, getting crazy about missing him. It's extremely sad, for her. She can't move on because they work together. She always has this crazy thought that she misses the guy so badly that she keeps regretting her decision to break up.

She asked me earlier how I coped with 6 break-ups and how I wormed my way back into normalcy. I told her that there's no such thing. Honestly, there is no way that you can ask for a normal, regular life right after a break-up. I was being asked questions like how I felt and what it was like with us being so apart and Jeoff breaking up with me over the phone. I told her the truth - that I felt so empty. It really tore me up inside that I kept thinking about pain and death and why God wouldn't strike me dead right where I was standing every time Jeoff would break up with me. There's this crushing pain in my heart, and then, there would be this amazingly huge gaping void in my being. I told her that anyone who has had their heart broken by the one the love the most knows what I feel. It can be likened to something dying inside you and there is nothing but a black hole that sucks out the life in you. And everyday becomes a struggle to fight the black hole so it won't take any more, but you know that everyday, something inside dies. It was so hard to explain. It doesn't really have words... I probably looked normal on the outside but it hit so hard when I get home. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and there was nothing that made me laugh... nothing made me happy. It was literally like my heart popped out and the pain was just so unbearable, my body can hardly contain it.

However, I fought for it.

I told her that if she really did love Jon, there would not be a decision to break up. There would be a decision to play it out and find the best option, like compromise or maybe even a cooling-off period if she really wanted some time to think. However, she made the ultimate decision to never fight for it thought she's weakening her resolve. 

It's crazy... I wish she'd get over that anxiety soon.

Good Girls Go Gaga

I don't really know why for some reason, I am loving this song. I don't intend to go bad anytime... nor do i have thoughtless friends. Just that it's stuck in my head for some reason...

I have come to a few realizations for my birthday and funny thing is, I don't really want to share them verbally. Better do it through my blog. Crazy...

   1. I don't process raw food...
   2. For some reason, I have come have aches and pains all over - I now use a bottle of wintergreen oil to get rid of back pains. Weird.
   3. I am crazy in love with nerds - Jeoff, Chuck and well, Superman - ultimate geek right? Lolz...
   4. I like Ube-flavored ice cream... Pretty crazy but I like it.
   5. I listen to Lady Gaga and I am not ashamed of it. Haha!
   6. I play Facebook games to escape reality - reality being deadlines, admin work and tons of crazy shit in the office.
   7. I am not meant to be in the political arena.
   8. I hate conniving and manipulative bitches who think they can get away with anything by raising their voices, flirting, showing cleavage and pretending they know all about Six Sigma Management Principles.
   9. Someday, justice will fall swift on people who owe me big time...
  10. I really want to get married, have kids and become a good wife and mother. I know no one sees me as that, considering how cutthroat I am but dear gawd, I'd bawl over for an opportunity to become Mrs. Jeoff Francisco now. I miss him.

Considering my top 10 list, I have to ask how people perceive me. I really have come to a point where I don't care. There are a lot of idiots out there and the only thing that matters to me is my family, who really should know me and who really should understand me. No one else needs to know who I am and what I am about except the people that matter. This is my bad phase I guess. I have been such a good girl for so long. People always need to be pleased but honestly, I don't care anymore. I'm turning 28. It's now or never...