I just did nothing, chose to be idle for today. I just woke up. I haven't taken a shower and this feeling comes over... Like I have to be online.
It was my last day in ITI. Being part of this company, I chose to stay invisible. It wasn't easy. I'm not gonna launch into a whole gamut of nostalgic goodbye quotes, nor am I gonna say anything about being alone. I am alone. Always. All I have is myself to deal with my feelings. All I have is myself to depend on when I'm not feeling well.
I have never been a fan of the word "opening up", yet lately, I've been doing a lot of that. To Cara, to Mylene, to Gaius, heck even to Jerome and Paolo. Justin, I have asked to take care of me when I need a drink so badly. I guess it goes without saying, I have made friends and I don't understand this feeling that I'm trying to protect myself from.
I didn't cry yesterday. Leaving my station felt like I was gonna be back. I chose not to get any of the materials I made for my students. It's theirs. It's the company's property. I felt very composed, as I always do.
There's always so much punishment in crying. Your body clams up, your face heats up and you lose so much water just letting tears flow. There's always too much emotion involved... Your heart valves constrict a bit and so does your throat. The whole process is a drag. It doesn't allow you to speak or to reason. Someone once told me that crying is a sign that you are human. That you are real... You see things for what and who they are. Then after, you can expect a feeling of relief. A real and honest-to-goodness feeling of relief.
I am still not feeling that relief. I'm gonna miss them all. I'm gonna miss them all...
