How to Save a Life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to Save a Life - The Fray

A friend just died.
We throw that word so loosely nowadays. Here in the Philippines, it is even acceptable to say "my friend". Redundance. Probably.

I think maybe, a few conversations in a good hour or so sadly doesn't make for a friendship. It makes for an interesting and riveting mental exercise in social networking. However, you take those things for granted sometimes. It sucks because when this person is suddenly taken from you, you miss them like crazy.

They remember the very first and the very last conversation they had with this person and people, people tend to be paranoid. They're creeped out. They're scared. They become lonely. They lose touch with their own problems. They suddenly feel bad. They start asking questions. They will want answers. They realize that life is short and for a time try to be whole, not wanting to question their own mortality or fate. They start wanting to help. They choose to fight some battles that aren't theirs. They eventually forget.

This is the first time I ever had to deal with someone dying - someone I sincerely knew and never wished any ill of. Karen was one person that took a lot of life's bad things. She battled Lupus. She battled so much more than that. She battled everyday and I don't know much, I knew some things. But I know she fought so much more than she wanted to let on.

I am still in shock. I have been scared, questioning everything in my life. I keep asking myself if I was to die tomorrow, would I want people to remember me this way? I make decisions everyday. To fight for something. To care for something. To ignore something. To learn something and to unlearn. Ultimately, I ask myself if I will be missed.

I can't ask myself if I can save her life. I can't. I can't think that had I spoken with her longer, things wouldn't have happened. Tinge of guilt sometimes get to me. Maybe if I stopped her from smoking, she won't pass on. If I chose to speak with her longer during our last conversation, I would have noticed something. I remember the very last conversation we had... It was in the ITI restroom. She was slightly bloated from the steroids and she mentioned something about being bloated and ugly. I told her, look at it this way, after all this, you'll be prettier. As if you're not pretty now. I had a lesson and I needed to go. I told her that and in her classic Karen way said "sige, gurl, go lang...".

Earlier, I looked through my archives of pictures... I just realized that while we were in some parties together, I don't have a picture of her. I don't have any pictures of her in the office, or in parties, when she looked her prettiest. I don't have her number. I don't have her email address. I don't have her in my YM list. I don't have any claim that I know her. All I have were 20-30 minute conversations with her. All I have as a memory are things we shared over a glass of iced tea or coke light or coffee, and a few sticks of smokes.

But these memories, I choose to treasure, I choose to believe in. Whatever we spoke of, whatever we talked about, Karen knows I only wished her to let go of. That was a long time ago. After that, we mainly talked shop. Business if you will...learners. How we deal with lessons, bad lessons and bad learners. She's my Bitch Brew Buddy. We complain about some of our students and well, she shares her thoughts too.

I only wish that wherever she is right now... she is happy. As Noel said when he was told this unfortunate news, "Malaya na siya" (Translation: Now, she's free). It gave me goosebumps. I know that she is free. And I hope she'll be smiling on us, knowing how much she is missed and loved.

Rest in peace, Karen. Thanks for the great times.

PS: I realized that there was one picture on my Friendster where I was sitting with Jonas, Noel and Karen. It was Myles who took it. :) She looks so beautiful there. She still is. She'll always be.